The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.1 'Father and Son' Part 1. featuring @GODthegoodone and @SwearyJesus

*The camera opens on a steamy shower room scene. As the camera pans across the room the top of a wombles head can be seen scurrying out of shot before the camera comes to rest on a shower stall where a naked elderly man is soaping himself down. The soapy suds running down his hairy back into the cleft of his bottom, the man then turns to camera, "Hello! it's me Boff! Do you know what? The entire first series of the Moatman Interviews were a dream, how weird is that, let me grab a towel and then I'll tell you all about it"

Boff then promptly steps on a bar of soap, slips and cracks his head on the shower room wall. Things fade to black and open on airy skies and fluffy white clouds, in the midst of this view is an elderly man wearing a white towel flapping his arms like mad while off in the distance a harp can be heard playing the Nancy Sinatra classic 'you only live twice' from the Bond film of the same name.

Hello!! yes, here we are at the start of an exciting new series of the Moatman Interviews and already I'm dead, what a bummer, but don't worry, I've climbed Led Zeppelin's stairway, I've driven down that highway and picked up a disheveled Michael Landon, and now I'm finally here just like the Fresh Prince to meet my makers, yes, God (the god one) and his son (the sweary one) have kindly agreed to answer man's greatest questions, and some ones that I made up. I must admit dear friends it's a peculiar feeling meeting your maker, and then you get to meet his son too, the deity who made the crucifix trendy 2000 years before it had become a fashion accessory. God is more muscular than you'd expect, sporting a white vest ala John McClane with his 'guns' on show, a full beard and gold chain, while Jesus is wearing his more classical ensemble as depicted from the photos in the Bible.

First of all, thank you both letting me into beautiful home, it's very spacious and the views are terrific. God, I'd like to start our interview with you. As our creator, alpha and omega, the dude who made the earth in 7 days, are you happy with your creation? are there any modifications you're thinking of adding?

First of all I'd like to welcome you to heaven. Overall I'm pretty happy with what I did back then, the only disappointments really are that I allowed other cults to be formed and I made a terrible mistake when I created France.

Ahhhh of cause the French with their slippery romantic ways and fine wine, I see, and what do you make of the popular celebrity culture? are you not tempted to show up on a red carpet and outshine all the other celebs?

no! I really don't get this celebrity shit, but the saddest part is all the sad, stupid sheep that follow them and buy wank magazines with these pretend celebs in them. Who the fuck knows what Kim kardashian does? X-factor! What a massive load of bollocks! Name one memorable thing that Gareth Gates ever did other than shagging Jordan?

Boff nods and notes that Bungo did for a spell sport the same spikey hair as Gareth Gates, but changed it after an unfortunate incident involving chewing gum and sweet wrappers.  anyway moving on, your bust up with Lucifer has been well documented in the Bible? are you two back on speaking terms now or does the feud still continue?

me and @satanic_still meet up for a drink or to take the kids to dragons den (some big kids play area in keighley ) it gets on my tits because he always organises it with Mary for when Liverpool are playing. He's not that much of bellend now he's a bit older. 

Well I think that's an exclusive, God is a Liverpool FC fan, now coming to you Jesus, as the son of a showbiz icon it must have been tough growing up, but you've joined the family business now. what's it like working alongside your dad?

Fucking awful, I'm over 2,000 years old and he still tries to tell me when it's time for me to go to bed. He has crumbs in his beard that are so old they've started to develop their own personalities and his squad* are really annoying. On the plus side, he does make a lovely cup of tea and some nice mountains. *The God squad are not my favourite people....

...and of cause you came down to Earth which must have been like going to college for a mere mortal. Did you cut lose? any wild tales of your teen years on Earth?

Well I came to England obviously but spent the whole time walking on my hands so the song is wrong. I practiced the water/wine trick until I was sick every night and I fucked around on Holy Island when it was still just called Island but they added Holy to stop it being confused with Ireland.

... that's very amusing and of cause you too had trouble in the work place when Judas dobbed you in to the authorities, how did you feel when that happened?

I kinda knew he was dodgy, he was called Judas after all, what kind of parents call their kid that for fucks sake? It's like calling your child 'two-faced wanker'. I was pretty gutted tho, I could have dobbed myself in and spent the money on No More Nails, that would have made my life,death,life thing a lot less painful.

*Boff nods sagely*...and of cause God you must be happy to have your son back with you in heaven, but I know my readers will want to know are there any future Mrs Gods lined up? a possible step-mum for Jesus?

well I've been shagging Mary ever since Joseph first married her, so it made sense for me to get with her when she entered heaven, also it means that I don't have to pay child maintenance any more. She looks a bit saggy but she's got the right holes in the right places!

...Interesting and disgusting, Coming back to you now Jesus you've rocked out the beard and sandals look for 2000 years, clearly showing that classic fashions don't age. How do you feel about the crucifix being such a trendy fashion accessory? after all it was your idea all that time ago.

The idea of hanging out in a nice cleavage sounds appealing but the novelty wears off after a while. I'm not convinced using the object of my death is the best idea, I'd have preferred an old loin cloth as the symbol of eternal life, death and life again and also to show how fucking smelly I got in that cave.

... hmmmm that sounds very fair to me if a little smelly, and do you still keep in touch with the old gang? I heard that after you ascended to heaven Mark and Luke tried to do a spin off show but it got cancelled after one series?

The boys? Yeah, we still hang out, get pissed, have last suppers etc They like to go swimming but I can't fucking swim and they take the piss "oh look at Jesus, walking on the shallow end" and "go for the high board you wimp, it's only water" when they know it would break my neck but it's all good fun really, I mean what's the worst that can happen? I die, get stuck in a cupboard and 3 days later I'm better again....

.....*laughs out loud* okay, and coming back to you now God, I hear you're something of a technology fan, We'd like to know whether heaven has wifi and what kind of download speeds do you get? more importantly what is God downloading these days?

we have 10g now and it's fast as lightening, you can play Xbox, watch Netflix and download hardcore nun porn while streaming napalm death all at the same time and still have a bit left for Jesus to watch mr tumble on cbeebies. As far as gadgets go, you just can't beat those pens that give an electric shock.

*Boff turns to the camera okay folks we need to commercial break, but join us after the ads (next week) when we'll be finding out more about the holy goat, Jesus' ill fated rock career and God's winter hair care tips*