The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.5 'The one with the funny' Featuring @AhhgeeProd Part 2

>>RECAP>> Last week on the Moatman Interviews.... Boff realised that he'd taped over an OU Geography lecture from the early 1980s when making the AhhGee Interview tape....*sound of news at 10 bongs* ....Andy Harland admitted that he gives women blokes names, but for non-sexy reasons...*more bongs*...Michael Bell once got asked if he had the time on his cock... *Sound of church bells*...and Grax realised that he was supposed to be writing a comedy show for the Edinburgh Fringe! *sound of sirens*

Yes, hello my darlings we're back in my underground lair to watch the second half of the Moatman Interviews with the lovely lads at AhhGee productions who were back stage after a warm up Podcast for their impending stint at the Edinburgh Fringe. Now, has everyone been for a wee? and are you all sitting comfortable, yes you Gibbs at the back I'm talking to you too. Then let us begin. *Wellington wheels in a big CRT television on a trolley still paused at the point we left off last week with Andy trying to take a slurp of his UmBungo drink. 

*Boff closes the curtains and then presses play on the tape* Again for the purposes of today's interview Mr Andy will be replying in red, Grax will be replying in green and in a cool blue, much like himself, Mr Michael Bell's replies will be in blue.

*The television flickers momentarily and then springs back to life, opening on a backstage dressing room where Grax and Andy are sitting on a two seater sofa and Michael has got up to make himself a cup of hot bovril from the small kettle next to a large mirror* 

Well now guys, it's great to see that things are going swimmingly and that you're just about set for the Edinburgh Fringe, but of cause you also manage to find time to fit a regular podcast show (see http://ahhgeeproductions.com/) with its own army of fans and listeners. So I would like to ask how are things going with the AhhGee nation? you seem to have quite a roster of job titles racked up for your followers already?

I know, I find it hard to believe myself. It’s been 6 weeks and people are still sending in applications to be part of the nation. I’ve lost track of who exactly is in the nation! I think we’re gonna have to create some kind of web page or online group or something to keep an eye on everyone.

Well first of all as King I would like to be addressed in the correct manner, not thrown in with the rest of my flunkies. The Nation is going strong, we need a map and a flag then we can start to invade our rivals. Grax is right I think we need a facebook page for the nation so folk can request and see if we promote them for services to the nation.

As official ambassador of the #AhhGeeNation I take it upon myself to engage with our royal subjects, mainly because King Bell point blank refuses. I'm not sure of the numbers but I would say we are nearly up to 25 royal subjects. That's a population four times larger than bude Cornwall. We now have a shop, a tuck shop (in the castle), a bar, a karaoke queen, a witch, a Lady Quip, an urban gymnast but no wombles... Strange. 

*Boff ponders a moment what an AhhGee nation might be like with the wombles in it, at first idyllic with the wombles ensuring all public areas are neat and tidy, but slowly it dawns upon Boff the horror that would unfold. Within their kleptomanic tendencies and Bungo's insistence on being chief Drum n Bass DJ, so that it could be played around the clock 24 hours a day.* *Boff Shudders* no, I think the AhhGee nation is just fine being free of Wombles. 

After last week's solo questions for Andy and Michael it is now time to turn our attention to the remaining member of the gang and probe a little more deeply into the mind of Grax. You've recently returned from adventures down under, after the failed 'C-food diet' incident, I'd like to ask you what culinary adventures you've discovered in Oz?

I think the most adventurous thing that I ate over there was kangaroo meat. I set out to eat some local wildlife and I succeeded. Turns out ‘roo meat is tougher and less flavoursome compared to beef. Maybe that’s why cow is often the preferred meat to eat. The next meat for me to eat would be koala.

Interesting stuff, I always thought that non-descript meats tasted like chicken, I've also noticed that you quite like a spot of the old clown make-up, that'll make former guest @webbpaganfinger (see Series 1 episode 3) pleased. Have you ever turned up at a social occasion in clown guise and how did it go??

Funny you should say that. I went to work one day (my day-job) dressed up like a clown for the UK national charity event Comic Relief. From clown face to red nose to big wig. I found out that one of my work colleagues has a small fear of clowns. I had fun creeping next to him and then he would creep away. The thing is I really tried my hardest to look not-scary! 

Here’s a video of my clown-face on: http://youtu.be/5XOUk2a0b5k

Indeed, and talking of Grax's adventures down-under the recent podcasts has featured the rather dulcet tones of Teresa Coyne, do you have any plans to lady-fy your future podcasts? and does Grax fill left out after missing her guest slot?

You damn right I feel left out! I love doing the show and I love talking to lovely ladies. I really should stop going away.

ARE WE NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU????? Sir I am insulted. There are some brilliant friends that are woomins that I would have to have on the show but the problem is I am inclined to fall in love with them, and Andy will just be awkward or tweet at them until there is court action so it is best all round we don’t.

So we really aren’t allowed women on the show, Teresa was the safe option, her repulsive looks and personality meant we could do a show for a couple of weeks with her without fear….I have been great friends with her for ages now, if I complimented her she would think I have done something wrong.

We are working with the wonderful Adele Cliff, or to give her full name Adele ‘ARRRGGGH THERE’S A CLIFF’ Cliff, who is a great friend of mine and stupidly talented lady for the Fringe show and I am sure we will chuck her on the show before hand.  She is also the one that came up with the DING whenever I say my name at the fringe last year. 

I just want to make it clear that I have not driven any woman to a court appearance yet. (Mainly because I don't drive into town much), however we as an equal opportunities podcast shall be bringing lady voices to your ears soon.. Especially as the King stated in the form of the lovely Adele Cliff. In fact you have had three other lady voices on the show already in Adele (@adelesramblings) , Katie Lady Quip Ruane (@swearing_queen) and a former interviewee in the wonderful Emma (@emmapashmina) (see Series 1 episode 9).

Let's also not forget the fantastic new #AhhGeeInterviews which has already seen two very talented ladies interviewed in their own bonus editions. 
www.ahhgeeproductions.com/category/interviews

*laughs* Brilliant, and what does the future hold for AhhGee? we've not even touched upon your comedy clips yet like mundane reporter and wolfman, what's in store next?

I would say that our plan right now is to do more of what we’re currently doing. Not just more podcasts but do more videos, do more interviews, do some more shows. We’re aiming to be HUGE!

Cough Cough, watch DingandJones as well please, a youtoobe double act i’m in.  There will be more ahhgee videos, plans are afoot and the crayons are out for writing sketches.

It's an exciting time time for AhhGee, we're just over a year old with plenty of sketches on our YouTube and a "quite good" podcast series plus the live show in the mix, I'm certain of plenty more to come in the coming months and beyond, plus a few surprises along the way I'm sure. That's the best thing about the show, it's dynamic and consistently introduces us to lots of new people. 

well gentlemen I can hear the sound of your tour bus pulling up (sounds scarily like an ice cream van), so that must mean that our interview is just about at an end. it's been brilliant visiting you and as I'm away from home territory it also means you've managed to survive without a womble infestation so I would like to end with a quick fire question on who are your comedy gods and why?

Oh you sod, we could be here some time with this question.

Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer - because it is Vic sodding Reeves, I remember watching shooting stars when I was about 8 and without wanting to sound like a complete wanker it utterly changed my life and way of thinking.  The Randall and Hopkirk deceased came out when I was maybe 11 and blew my mind, obsession started from there really.

I managed to go to most recordings of House of Fools and finally met Bob last year, which genuinely was a life ambition achieved. I have met Vic once at a book signing but I couldn’t actually talk to him, I became a statue so my girlfriend at the time did all the talking, then when we broke up she took the bloody book the bastard or whatever a lady bastard is called.

I also think Vic is just an amazing actor, look at him in Eric and Ernie as Eric’s dad or in Hebburn he is wonderful, even in Brainiac or his kids show Ministry of Curious Stuff he was chuffing brilliant , he is also an incredible artist...what a guy.

Morecombe and Wise and Eddie Braben- I did used to watch as a kid at christmas because that is the law, but in my 20s was when my full appreciation and addiction started really.  What more needs to be said about them really, the best double act of all time and some of the best comedy writing ever from the man Eddie.

Lee and Herring- Now this is a borderline obsession.  It started back in the 90s and never stopped.  I couldn’t even begin to tell you how much love I have for these two idiots.  I have followed Herring around the country and probably paid for a good few months of his rent in ticket sales and merch.

Eddie Izzard- Because dressed to kill show made me realise that comedy was a thing you could do.  It made me understand how you could take ideas, run with them and they would be funny.  Until then I just thought comedians were magic.

I wore out 3 copies of the vhs of that show and I am onto my second dvd of it, changed my life.

Billy Connolly- Very similar reasons, Billy Bites your bum and a few other of his early shows again I wore the tapes out,  it made me realise you could tell stories about life and folk would laugh.

Red Dwarf - Just obsessed with it, as a child...and still now but don’t tell anyone will make me sound like a nerd.

Actually to any ladies reading, I work with kids, I am a good guitar player and love long walks on the beach.

Men Behaving Badly- Yes, Yes I know it has dated and the whole ladism of the 90s is played to death but it is a sodding great show and Simon Nye was at the peak of his powers for it.

Comic Strip - I picked up on it again at a foolishly early age, what a show, what a cast, just wonderful.  You can pick up the box set for like £20 just buy it (other boxsets are available)

I also adored Linda Smith.  Peacock and Gamble I fail to find words how much I love them as with Pappys, as a group they are brilliant, Tom Parry’s hour at the Mach fest in 2013 was and is one of the best hours of my life, just brilliant.  Tom Basden is amazing as well.  Have to include Python but I still haven’t forgiven them for not getting a seat to see them at the o2.

I won’t go on...but I could, I really bloody could.

Erm, bell... It's not all you mate...

Firstly, mr Moatman, thank you for the opportunity to chat today...

I grew up on some wonderful comedy, my first ever comedy idol was the very great, late Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson in Bottom. Around that time I also loved shows like men behaving badly, alas smith and jones, fist of fun (Lee and Herring), Harry Enfield and chums, the fast show, the day today, Alan partridge, the young ones, the office, Phoenix nights,

My favourite stand up comedians include Bill Bailey, Tim Minchin, Billy Connelly, Nina Conti, Tony Law, Alex Horne (both soon to appear in interviews), Peter Kay (sorry mike), Arthur Smith, Bill Cosby, Jimmy Carr, Harry Hill, Stewart Lee, Richard Herring, Bob Slayer, Tiff Stevenson, Alan Davies, Al Murray, Kevin Eldon, Jo Brand, Eddie Izzard, Milton jones, Frank Skinner, Lucy Porter, Jack Dee, Johnny Vegas, Mark Watson, Pippa Evans, Dave Gorman, David Baddiel.... It really is a difficult question, but I think that is a pretty reasonable list to start with. 

I tell you who I don’t like, Michael McIntyre. I think he is a hack who relies too much on over the top gesture to sell observational humour, he just doesn’t make me laugh. However I have a selection of comedians that I like and respect for different reasons. I like the comedy stylings of Doug Standhope and George Carlin because they reflect upon how rubbish people and life is in a funny way. I deeply respect early Bill Cosby standup because he made me laugh out loud during one of his stand up shows while using only one swear word (which is quite a mild word nowadays). I like Bill Bailey because of the random subject matters that pop up during his comedy set. My list goes on.

and with that the trio are being ushered out the door and onto the next exciting adventure, at the same time the recording comes to an end and flips into the previous footage of a presenter who looks suspiciously like Boff Moatman in a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches talking about tectonic shift. *the lights come back on and we're back in the room again, the CRT TV doing the weird snow effect* Ah there you are, well another interview at an end and exciting times indeed for the AhhGee Production crew, good luck at the Fringe lads! you can find out more about AhhGee at their website http://ahhgeeproductions.com/ or trawling around twitter @AhhgeeProd

The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.4 - 'The one with the funny' Featuring @AhhgeeProd Part 1

*Camera opens on Boff Moatman, sitting in an armchair gently puffing on his pipe while stroking a womble* Hello! my dear hearts and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews. In what is another first for the Interviews this week we have a pre-recorded interview with none other than the lads at @Ahhgee productions. I caught up with Andy, Michael and Grax a few weeks ago backstage at an unnamed location after another hectic Ahhgee podcast as the lads warm up for the first leg of their world tour, which commences at the Edinburgh Fringe in August.

*Wellington wheels in an old fashion CRT television on a trolley, fiddles about with a TV remote the size of a cereal packet before retrieving a VHS casette from under his jacket and popping it in the video player* Lets see what they had to say for themselves at this exciting stage in their comedy careers. Also for the purpose of today's interview Mr Andy's replies will be in red, Mr Michael Bell's replies will be in blue and in a lovely sea green, matching his eyes, Grax's replies will be in Green. 

*The television flickers for a moment and then opens on a backstage dressing room, strewn with clothes and scantily clad women who keep coming in and out to collect various items. There in one corner squashed onto a two seater sofa are the three AhhGee Productions lads cooling down after a hectic live performance for the Ahhgee Podcast.*

Hello! and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews this week featuring the rather witty, rather whimsical and rather brilliant AhhGee Productions!! So lets start with some introductions, on the left is Micheal Bell *sound of Wellington pressing the front door bell* on the right the rather tanned Grax (back from Oz) and squashed in the middle is Andy. (left to right in the picture below: Andy, Grax and Michael). Thank you for inviting me backstage to one of your warm up gigs it's very exciting, and I'm honoured to be here, in what is a pivotal moment in AhhGee's comedy ensemble. 

So lets start with some questions then...I'd like to begin by asking about your impending trip to the Edinburgh Fringe, are you excited? and more importantly are you prepared?

Absolutely, we are super excited for the Edinburgh Fringe in what…. 6 weeks time?? Oh poo, we had better get started in writing something.

I was feeling totally fine about it in the planning stage, now it is actually real I am in full panic mode, I am hoping to get that out of the way, maybe have a couple more breakdowns so I am calm, ready and most importantly medically sedated throughout the fringe run so I don’t get ‘the fear’ again…..

There's a show? Plus...Why am I in the middle of these two? But I joke of course. I would say the Edinburgh show is at least several percent written. The main issue being that we get into so many funny funny scrapes that we can't write it all before arriving...

....that's wonderful, I think one of the things I've enjoyed most about the Ahhgee pod casts is the chemistry between you, so perhaps I could ask how you all met?

Andy and I are old school chums from back in the 90s. I don’t remember how we met exactly but clearly it was a good move because we’re still friends to this day and we are working on a really good thing. Michael Bell however we’ve only known for about 6 months. Andy found him abandoned on the Twitterverse like a starving puppy. Well it’s hard to say no to those puppy-dog eyes.

I think they had been grooming me for some time, my tweets (@michaelbell86) are rather brilliant who wouldn’t want that on a weekly show? It has been great and I think the chemistry is getting stronger every week like some kind of funny adhesive. Also all good shows need someone to wear band t-shirts and make niche references to unremembered 90s sitcoms.

I actually own Grax. But don't tell him that. I've got a spare too, I'm happy to sell to the highest bidder. (Gbay) Grax was one of those guys at school that you just had to know, because I was quite lonely and short sighted, he was just within squinting distance on my 3rd day, sometime in November 1993 if my memory serves me right.As for the internet's own Michael Bell, he was the third person to ever tweet the podcast, which actually was a secret competition. I just haven't told him until now. Sorry Michael. 

At this point a younger version of Debbie McGee comes in dressed like something out of a Brazilian carnival to serve the lads their rider on a silver tray. A carton of Um-Bungo each and a big bag of onion rings (based on a flavoured maize recipe). As the lads tuck into their lunch Boff decides now is perhaps a good time to get the solo interviews part of the show done.

 ...Okay, moving on I'd like to do some individual questions now. Andy starting with you, we've heard about your adventures on the 'lots of chips' dating site and the home delivery prawn cocktail flavour condoms, what do you look for in your ideal woman?

Now sir, this is no easy question. You are asking me to play god a bit and design a lovely lady of my own. Firstly, I think I would have to have an apprentice style competition to whittle it down to the final two, but with a twist. Combine it with gladiators (the TV show, not the death match up, I'm not totally brutal).You see the whole abjectrejection.com / plentyofchips.com thing is a bit of a problem in itself. After #KevinGate (episode 6), I'm a bit wary of meeting lovely ladies from the internet, firstly because I have a tendency to rename them with men's names (yes, for the protection of their honour, not sexy reasons). The other Issue is that although I've been casting the proverbial net of love, the passion sack if you will, I've had not that many bites.. Maybe I'm using the wrong bait? Perhaps I should take that photo of Bell off of my profile?!?!

I'm basically looking for a lovely fun lady with a twitter feed as a minimum, a love for comedy, some legs and someone that must enjoy breathing. I'm also keen on ladies. I like my women like my podcasts (disorganised, full of admin and based on 80% original material). 

.... that sounds fair, and in the last podcast you accidentally walked in on a BNP meeting, how was your trip here today? and have you met Weird Eric yet up on Wimbledon Common?

Yes, that was quite the eye opener. I didn't know the BNP employed a tea lady for their refreshment requirements. Also, at which point did they advertise for the role? Did they use the Job Centre? Wanted: a tea lady (or man) for one meeting a week of a secret society, must be narrow minded but with a great stirring technique?

So, how weird is weird Eric? I would say approximately as weird as that time Grax, the King and I went out for chips and came back with sixteen candles, four lions (on a shirt - must have been a cheap knock off), a penguin book (who knew they could write) and a melon. To be fair the melon came free with the chips. 

Now it's the turn of Michael Bell *Wellington pops up and bashs a triangle with his donger* or as the kids on the street are calling you Micky B. As a proud Lichfield lad can you tell us about any unusual north midlands customs?

Hang on…. Who the hell calls you “Micky B”????      Erm, that might be me... Ding?

And why the hell can’t I talk about my ideal woman???  everyone knows my best woomin is Brody Dalle but if she is not available then find someone similar please and thanks.

As for midlands phrases, I am a Burton on Trent (the land of marmite and ale) lad at heart, Lichfield is just where I accidentally bought a house after uni.  In Burton they have a wonderful tone of phrase, they also use cock as a positive expression.  Shortly after moving back to midlands, I was shocked, panicked and in a state of hilarity when I overheard a man ask several chaps ‘you got the time on you cock?’.  Duck, baps, mardy and reet are also words you will need to know if you are to survive. 

The North/Middle isn’t all that scary for you southern types honestly.  Birmingham even has a waggamamas now, course it is hilarious listening to Brummies trying to order owt but even so, I have also heard rumors of a John Lewis in Tamworth but they can’t be trusted those Tamworth lot, we are a progressive place the midlands Now if you excuse me i'm off for a cup of bovril.

...fascinating, I'd also like to ask you as a fellow beard wearer are there any specific grooming tips you could share with us? or perhaps things to avoid (I can't eat any messy food for beard hygiene reasons).

My main tip for any aspiring beard owners is wake up in the mornings and when you go to shave, don’t.  That really is the key,We could get into all kinds of beard related chatter, styles, trimming techniques, keeping it soft for ladies but we would be here for sometime and your non beard owner readers would surely commit some kind of dirty protest in rage of their lack of hairs where it counts.

*At this point the television screen pauses in that reassuring way that VHS tapes pause between frames so it looks like Andy is forever more taking the straw of his Umbungo in and out of his mouth* Well my darlings it's time for us to take a little break so that Barry Scott can flog us some more surface cleaner and half a dozen car manufacturers can try and make their automobiles look sexy by tying them into football and glamour models. Join us after the break (in roughly a weeks time) to hear more about the lads comedy aspirations and also what Grax thinks about down-under....

*Boff turns to Wellington to talk about nothing in particularly like they do at the end of the six O'clock news and screen fades to black*
 

The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.3 'A brush with the law'. featuring @Mavisupton / @GinaGeeJay

*The camera opens on what looks like an 80s teenagers bedroom with the sounds of Sting during his 'Police' days wafting across the room. In one corner sat on an armchair is what looks like Prince after a particularly heavy night* out (*20 years), on the other side of the room in a pair of bright pink leg-warmers and leotard is what looks like Olivia Newton-John.

Hello dear readers, knowing that this week's guest is a light-hearted soul up for a laugh I decided to spice things up by making it an 80s fancy dress themed interview for no other good reason than I look a bit like Prince's dad in a certain light. Yes, this week's guest is an all round lovely light-hearted madam, former policewoman and now author, it's our Gina in 'Mavis Upton' guise...

Hello Mavis, and thank you for joining me. First of all I must apologise, this fancy dress thing sounded like a good idea at the time. But all of the wombles decided they wanted to come as ewoks and it's caused a massive argument. Perhaps then, a good first question would be, did your police training come in handy for managing rowdy and sometimes naughty (*looks at Bungo - who's now dressed as Chesney Hawkes) children?

Good morning (afternoon/evening) my lovely Boff.  Please don't apologise for the fancy dress, it's a fabulous idea - although I was delayed a little on the train when my ears got caught in the sliding doors, (*adjusting her ample front bumper section).....somehow I don't remember Jessica Rabbit having that problem!

Mmmmm, naughty children....well my Mum used to give two verbal warnings and then a slap on the back of the legs with a wet hand.  Nothing as gentle as those Fairy Washing-up Liquid adverts of the 1950's though - it stung like hell and left a 'four-finger-one-thumb-and-a-palm' imprint on my skinny legs minus the dreamy song in the background.

I did realise very early on in my career that this sort of chastisement wasn't really allowed but found a waggy finger and a headmistressy style stare worked a treat.....but if that failed I could always resort to basic handcuffing techniques. 

.....Good answer! Well I've got an awful lot of questions I'd like to ask and we'll come to your police career in just a moment, but first of all I'd like to ask you about your childhood. Abandoned outside woollies, twice! forgot your pants to Sunday church!? It does sound like you had a fun childhood, so I'd like to ask what kind of child you were? were you a good girl/bad girl? girlie girl/tom boy? and importantly did you have a favourite toy?!

I had an amazing childhood, full of accidents, mishaps, abandonment and wonder.   

I was a very girlie girl and dreamt of becoming a famous ballet dancer one day...that's how I came to lose a shoe on the school roof.  I executed a beautiful arabesque, much to the delight of my little friends, but my shoe flew off and landed in the gutter.  I felt dreadful when the Caretaker fell off the ladder retrieving it, landing between numbers 3 and 6 on the chalked hopscotch chart fracturing his arm - but at least he still had hold of my shoe so I didn't have the inconvenience of having to hop home.

I'd like to think I was a good girl, but I can distinctly remember my Mum frequently shouting 'I'm warning you, don't do that, if you do and you fall and it kills you, don't come crying to me afterwards'.....   I never could understand how that worked! My favourite toy....now that's a blast from the past.  I think I'd have to say it was my Tiny Tears doll.  I adored her until my brother ran over her with his 3 wheel trike and stoved her face in.  That was a sad day.

that's very amusing and also sad, poor tiny tears doll, and cause you were married and a mum and then divorced, all before the call of the thin blue line. So I'd like to ask you about your time before you joined the police, what other careers did you try first? and do you have any amusing stories to tell us about that part of your life?

I did train as a dancer and had a few gigs around the Country but didn't quite make the grade as the second coming of Margot Fonteyn. My Mum was convinced that if I went to London to find fame without another skill to my name, I would be sucked into a life of debauchery and end up pictured in The News of The World, straddling a plastic chair wearing a basque.  

So, secretarial course completed, I found I could type 86 words per minute and drifted into the life of Personal Assistant to the MD of a Brassfoundry Company.   How ironic, I wanted to dance on a London stage, fling myself around lampposts and stamp in puddles waving an umbrella but instead of tap dancing I found myself counting and pricing up bath & basin taps for shipping manifestos from Portugal. 

*Boff nods in agreement and has often danced about in the rain, jumping in puddles..although this usually takes place shortly after closing time, ahem* anyway...coming now to your career in the force, what do you remember of your early days? it must have been a daunting experience? and did you get to meet Sting on the first day, or is that only after you pass probation? On a more serious note was it hard juggling police work alongside raising a young daughter too?

It was hugely daunting but incredibly exciting to be starting a new chapter in my life.  I missed my daughter terribly on the initial training, which was 15 weeks residential.  It was the first time I had been away from her but I knew that this was not only to fulfil my dream, but to give her a better life as we were really struggling financially.   It was also a huge relief to my friends and family as my levels of flatulence had reached an all time high due to the amount of baked beans I had to eat whilst eking out my pennies on housekeeping.

I was a 'mature entrant' into the Police, so whereas my colleagues had fab sounding nicknames like 'The Bear', 'Wookie', 'Popeye', 'Iron Maiden'........I was given 'Mother' or 'Private Benjamin' which sort of ruined my streetcred before I'd even got out there...! 

I spent most of my career as a single crewed uniform response officer, very exciting and challenging, sometimes scary, sometimes heartbreaking, most of the time exhausting and yet frequently incredibly funny. I had to develop a thick skin and my own way of 'working' in order to survive. Sadly I missed seeing Sting.......he was there the week before I arrived - or at least that's what Damien Froggett from Lancs Constabulary told me..!   (*winks)

....bless you that sounds like quite a challenge, but seriously as a lady officer and self-confessed 'blonde' how did the force change over the time you were there? and what was it like for a woman walking the thin blue line?

I was lucky to have joined just at a time when women were coming to the forefront of policing.  We were treated as equals with our male colleagues, our training and expectations were identical but it was also recognised that for a lot of women, our physical size and strength may not be the same, but we had our own attributes that contributed towards a modern, developing and diverse Force.

I worked a large housing estate for many years and although I am actually quite physically strong and can pack a good punch, if I had my hand on my heart, at 5'3" tall, even with all the training and new techniques, I would struggle to restrain a fully grown male on my own.  Yes we had CS and Taser, but they were not something I would automatically reach for as a first defence, for me they were an escalation defence if I felt I was physically in danger.

So, being vertically challenged and single crewed, I had to develop a sense of humour and a 'gift of the gab' .....most of the time I think I bored them into submission..!!

.....*Boff laughs* I can imagine you were quite the policewoman, I would have certainly been glad of your assistance if I'd got into trouble with one of my wombles, and did you get to go fast in cars? I do love a bit of the old 'nee-naws' myself, but as an older gentleman I had to give all that up.

Not only did I get to go in them.....they actually let me drive them..!!  My very first Fast Response vehicle was a rather battered old Ford, 0 to 30 in 8 minutes, blue light, no klaxons so you had to shout 'nee naw' out of the window, a shiatsu beaded cover for the drivers seat as the springs were buggered, a snooker cue ball drilled out for the gear stick knob and chewing gum keeping the rear view mirror in place!  I have very fond memories of Florence the Fiesta.

Over the years I did get to progress from Vauxhall Cavaliers through to a rather smart Vauxhall Insignia though! 

Now I must ask you, because I know my readers will want to know. Truncheons, do they come as a standard thing, or can you get a variety of sizes and colours? and did you write your name on yours to save it getting lost or muddled with someone elses?

(*Laughs out loud) There was a huge disparity in the size of male and female truncheons in the early days, so to speak! .  Women had much shorter ones so they could fit in their police issue handbags or the small side pocket in their skirts.  I only had one of the small wooden style ones for a few months before the side handled batons were brought in as standard for all officers.

I struggled with this style of baton when it was in the side holder because of my height.  The top used to get caught in the short sleeve of my shirt so every time I moved my left arm...I ripped the seam....which meant I always had to make sure I didn't have hairy armpits on duty!   

I eventually settled on the extendable Casco baton which was number coded eliminating the need to etch my name with a drawing pin or Tippex....

*Wellington wanders into the room dressed as zammo from GrangeHill to serve half-time oranges* *Mavis gives Wellington a playful wink and ruffles his hair*

Okay, now I'd like to ask you about your post Police Career life, firstly was it a bit of a shock being back on civvy street?

It was at first.  My body was in shock trying to get over 24 years of shift work, I missed my job dreadfully,  but most of all I missed my work-mates.  It is a very special relationship that you build up over the years. 

I was very sad to retire, but I had reached that age where although I could still climb the walls after naughty boys......I just couldn't get down on the other side.  There is simply nothing attractive in a woman in her mid fifties hanging by her  combat pants and SWAT boots from a set of railings.....so it was time to hang them up and start enjoying a normal life.

...but of cause you're not someone to rest for long and you turned to writing (Mavis' tales are captured in 'Handcuffs, Truncheon and a Primark thong'), now Gina, I wanted to ask did you find the writing easy? you certainly have a flair and ease to your character

My second granddaughter was born shortly after I retired which kept me beautifully busy, but I was itching to have some sort of direction and order in the remaining hours of the day.  I was lucky that my sense of humour was always greeted warmly at work and some of the scrapes I found myself in would often cause uproar and hilarity and they would tell me 'you should write a book when you retire'.....so I did.

I found writing about Mavis very easy and fun, I had a wealth of stories and incidents I could draw on.  The edits were difficult as the first draft is from the heart, an edit is with quite a critical eye and then the self-doubt creeps in until you get to the finished draft and you fall in love with it all over again.  The danger is to keep re-reading it because the critical eye returns so very easily.

The hardest part is getting represented.  If you set your heart on traditional Publishing, you will need Agent representation in the main, as the majority of Publishing houses will not accept unsolicited manuscripts.  

I've started my submissions to Literary Agents with my heart in the pit of my stomach.  I trawl my emails fifty times a day and have been known to seriously accost the postman on a regular basis waiting for any responses. I try and keep myself buoyant by reminding myself that some of the most amazing authors have received at least one rejection.......!  I'll start panicking when I reach twenty..!  (*Grimaces, rolls eyes and smiles)

Well our interview is almost at an end and I haven't even mentioned your outfit, I do love the pink leg warmers, and a little birdy tells me that you're something of a belly dancer too. So I'd like to ask are you whether you're a good dancer? and will we see you on strictly some time soon?

(*roars with laughter) I was ballet dancer Boff......pliés, arabesques and jetes not wobbly midriffs and thighs!   I'd like to think I was good in my heyday...I was never booed off stage, well not that I could hear over the orchestra anyway!   Somehow I don't think Strictly would appreciate a pair of SWAT boots marking their dance floor whilst I cavorted to a bit of burlesque swinging my Primark Thong  (*winks).

...and on that bomb shell that brings our interview to our close, we'll be indulging in some 80s sweeties, bagsy the fizzy cola bottles, just time for one more quick question. You've taken to the social media like a duck to water, so I wanted to ask what you've made of twitter? and do you have any amusing anecdotes to close the show.

Twitter has been amazing for helping me to promote Mavis and my book, but above all it's given me the opportunity to 'meet' some fabulous people I wouldn't normally have had the chance to know - it opens up a whole new world of socialising.  If I can, I love to follow back on both my own account and Mavis' as it a gesture that you really appreciate people taking the time to follow you.  I don't like the ones that only follow and unfollow just to make up numbers, to me, that's not what Twitter is about.

I love interacting as Mavis with her followers, it makes for a happy day and hopefully a smile, so I try to keep her lighthearted. 

When I first started on Twitter I had a serious predictive text malfunction when I sent a tweet about Mavis wheeling her testicles through a pile of autumnal leaves.....now we all know that as a child Mavis had a tricycle...!! 

...and with that our interview is at an end. Gina, the Wombles and I are off to dance the evening away to the sultry sounds of Kajagoogoo, Bronski Beat and Alison Moyet, but if you'd like to know more about Gina and the exciting tales of Mavis Upton you can find her on the web at http://ginakirkham.wordpress.com/

The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.2 'Father and Son' Part 2. featuring @GODthegoodone and @SwearyJesus

*The camera opens on a heavenly scene where two deities and the ghost of an old man are drinking beer amongst the clouds and watching the world cup on a small portable television. Realising the cameras are back on they hastily turn back to face the camera*

Hello! and welcome back to the Moatman Interviews, to recap from last week, I suffered a rather unfortunate bathroom accident and died. Which at the time seemed some what drastic, especially given that it was episode 1 in a new series of the Interviews. Fortunately for me though it did give me the opportunity to float up here and meet with two of histories more popular deities. Yes, none other than God (the good one) and Jesus! (the sweary one). Thus far we've already covered some of the more weighty questions that any mere mortal might have for their maker, like why God created the Earth and Jesus' college years, but this week I want to probe more into their personal lives. 


Gentlemen, there's one person in this relationship we haven't yet touched upon yet, the Holy Goat!

Jesus, obviously that Goat was kind of a big deal for you, but you were estranged for 30+ years while you were on Earth, what's your relationship with the Holy Goat like now? do you take it out for Ice cream and stuff?

That fucking goat eats me out of house, home and jumpers. He likes cardigans for breakfast, tank tops for lunch and thick knitted sweaters for tea. He stinks, isn't house trained and won't keep off the furniture. I love him... and I have a special message from him for Mooey (@MMinniemoo ), he says "do you still have his hat, the one with the stains on?" apparently that will make sense to somebody...not me though I never know what the fuck he's on about...

 ... indeed! and God, what did Mary say when you explained that she would be visited by three goats, and that one of them (the Goat of Christmas future) was Holy and would get her up the duff? was she shocked?

 to be honest Boff, I just left her a note on the fridge in fridge magnets, it said something like "goats are coming today, expect a shag" we never spoke about it since, I forgot all about it.

*Boff nods his head* wow, that's quite a casual approach to saving humanity, I wonder if Al Gore ever did anything like that, in fact the mental image of it is very troubling. Staying with you God if I may, I'd also like to ask you a question about creationism and modern science fiction, what's your take on the big space debate and have you let Stephen Hawkins in on the joke yet?

haha you fell for that, Hawkins is just a dead body in a wheelchair, I operate him with a joystick and the voice is me or Jesus, whoever can be arsed really. We use him to sell books and stuff. When people started to turn their backs on Christianity, me Jesus invented this Hawkins character and science! Best of both worlds! It always amazes me that the people who don't believe in God (who created everything) will believe a dribbling mute in a wheelchair.

*Boff just stares into the camera shocked while Michael Landon gently pats his head and rubs his tummy at the same time* Bloody hell! ...I see, and what's your take on the other Gods? I'm specifically thinking about Greek Mythology here, do you and Zeus meet up and go bowling from time to time?

I don't really mingle with any of the other Gods, I only made them for a bit of company. Allah bobs around to our pub a bit, he's not really a God though, he's more of a dictator, you've got have certain mindset to believe his nonsense.

... Okay, coming back to you now Jesus, obviously you're most well known for your time on Earth as the son of God, but you have since tried your hands at a variety of other careers, a string of TV and movie appearances, the ill fated big hair 80s rock band, and obviously as a small businessman putting your face into a variety of objects, even a dog's bottom. Do you still have a keen urge to make your mark on the world?

I mostly hated people so everything I tried to was my attempts to make the human race suffer, the hair-metal era was, let's face it, an awful period in history and Mesus Me SuperStar was a fucking terrible musical that I think proved how much I wanted everyone to suffer but I've mellowed recently an now mostly just swear at idiots on Twitter. I don't really want to make a fuss anymore, religion is very old-fashioned and I think it's had its day.

...I see and coming back to your ill fated career in an 80s big hair arena rock band, do you have happy memories of being on the road? any major regrets?

Regrets? I've had a few....the clothes, boots, hair and make up actually really suited me but the music, I fucking hated it. I'm really a 3 minute, blast it out, punk type (ask any girl I've ever been with...) so all the guitar-wank twiddly diddly bullshit really got on my nerves. My happy memories of the time all involve not being on stage. The groupies (nuns mostly but what the hell) were fun if a little clingy, claiming to be my 'bride' for fucks sake. And the drugs obviously, we did a lot of drugs....tix-y-lix, cal pol, sherbet dib dabs and vics vapour rub were my favourites.

Boff confides with Jesus that he's also quite partial to vics vapour rub, but his personal favourite is Irn Bru and night nurse. anyway, coming back to you God you must be very proud of your son becoming a world famous celebrity with people often shouting his name, usually after hitting their thumb with a hammer or receiving bad news. Do you ever get the urge to have more children?

*God stares blankly into the camera before answering* No.

The three of us sit in a somewhat uncomfortable silence before Jesus reassures me that he is own man and that 'Dad' has never really taken much interest in his comings or goings, preferring instead to working on his own projects like creating new worlds with upside gravity or helping sponsor day time tv quizz shows. The rumour about about God being the banker on deal or no deal is still unconfirmed and God won't be drawn on the matter. Seeing that God is starting to become tired with the interview Boff returns to Jesus.

Coming back to you now Jesus, obviously your dad has an army of angels working for him, but are there any particular favourites? and what are the Christmas office parties like?

I like 37, 14 and 156 degrees are the best....what? Oh angels, sorry I thought you said something else....angels...hmmm...nope sorry, never like any of them, all to cherubby and flappy for me.
Christmas is OK but all I ever hear at the parties is "Come on Jesus do the wine trick" which is fucking annoying as, due to the amount of wine I drank in my teens, I'm now sort of allergic to it. It makes me dizzy and I throw up after only 7 or 8 bottles. I've started mixing in with redbull now too, I'm fucking class really...

...well I didn't expect that. Finally God I'd like to say after millennia in charge of 'up stairs', you're looking as fresh and vital as ever while the Pope, bless him, is looking a bit 17th Century. How do you maintain fashionable and ahead of the modern trends?

some things just never go out of fashion, sheets are pretty cheap too and Mary uses persil which keeps them looking nice are new. A good beard and a wash always helps. 

...and coming back to you Jesus for the final final question, as someone who has lived the ultimate near death experience, i.e. having been dead for three days, are you technically a zombie? and have you ever been tempted to play any practical jokes on other near death people, like standing in the tunnel of light in a clown mask?

Yes, I'm a zombie, I can't go out in the light and I have sleep hanging upside down in a coffin. That's not as easy as it sounds. It's also got nothing to do with the fact I'm a zombie either but I digress, I am technically a zombie but only in the biblical sense, I don't eat brains and I can walk without my arms sticking out in front of me so I don't think most people notice...apart from the smell but most folk are too polite to say anything.

I'm always playing jokes on the newly departed, it keeps me sane and sends them mental, it's a tough job but somebody's got to do it. I was saying to Sid Vicious just the other day that we should pretend he's Jesus to the Newds (that's our word for newly deads) and get them to try playing the bass as some sort of initiation into heaven but he wasn't happy, even the ones that had lost fingers, hands or whole arms could play better than him. Anyway, I'll shut up or it'll put people of dying and we can't have that...

Well gentlemen it's wonderful to hang out with you and I'm really looking forward to settling into heaven but for now our interview has come to an end. Just at that moment as Boff is getting prepared to kiss goodbye to the mortal world God gets out his Harry Potter glow stick. He explains that it's not Boff's time and that he's sending Boff back to Earth for another go, mainly because he doesn't want Boff wandering around Heaven talking to girls and cramping his style. With that and a big puff of smoke Boff wakes up on the shower room floor where Bungo is busy taking photos to stick online....

The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.1 'Father and Son' Part 1. featuring @GODthegoodone and @SwearyJesus

*The camera opens on a steamy shower room scene. As the camera pans across the room the top of a wombles head can be seen scurrying out of shot before the camera comes to rest on a shower stall where a naked elderly man is soaping himself down. The soapy suds running down his hairy back into the cleft of his bottom, the man then turns to camera, "Hello! it's me Boff! Do you know what? The entire first series of the Moatman Interviews were a dream, how weird is that, let me grab a towel and then I'll tell you all about it"

Boff then promptly steps on a bar of soap, slips and cracks his head on the shower room wall. Things fade to black and open on airy skies and fluffy white clouds, in the midst of this view is an elderly man wearing a white towel flapping his arms like mad while off in the distance a harp can be heard playing the Nancy Sinatra classic 'you only live twice' from the Bond film of the same name.

Hello!! yes, here we are at the start of an exciting new series of the Moatman Interviews and already I'm dead, what a bummer, but don't worry, I've climbed Led Zeppelin's stairway, I've driven down that highway and picked up a disheveled Michael Landon, and now I'm finally here just like the Fresh Prince to meet my makers, yes, God (the god one) and his son (the sweary one) have kindly agreed to answer man's greatest questions, and some ones that I made up. I must admit dear friends it's a peculiar feeling meeting your maker, and then you get to meet his son too, the deity who made the crucifix trendy 2000 years before it had become a fashion accessory. God is more muscular than you'd expect, sporting a white vest ala John McClane with his 'guns' on show, a full beard and gold chain, while Jesus is wearing his more classical ensemble as depicted from the photos in the Bible.

First of all, thank you both letting me into beautiful home, it's very spacious and the views are terrific. God, I'd like to start our interview with you. As our creator, alpha and omega, the dude who made the earth in 7 days, are you happy with your creation? are there any modifications you're thinking of adding?

First of all I'd like to welcome you to heaven. Overall I'm pretty happy with what I did back then, the only disappointments really are that I allowed other cults to be formed and I made a terrible mistake when I created France.

Ahhhh of cause the French with their slippery romantic ways and fine wine, I see, and what do you make of the popular celebrity culture? are you not tempted to show up on a red carpet and outshine all the other celebs?

no! I really don't get this celebrity shit, but the saddest part is all the sad, stupid sheep that follow them and buy wank magazines with these pretend celebs in them. Who the fuck knows what Kim kardashian does? X-factor! What a massive load of bollocks! Name one memorable thing that Gareth Gates ever did other than shagging Jordan?

Boff nods and notes that Bungo did for a spell sport the same spikey hair as Gareth Gates, but changed it after an unfortunate incident involving chewing gum and sweet wrappers.  anyway moving on, your bust up with Lucifer has been well documented in the Bible? are you two back on speaking terms now or does the feud still continue?

me and @satanic_still meet up for a drink or to take the kids to dragons den (some big kids play area in keighley ) it gets on my tits because he always organises it with Mary for when Liverpool are playing. He's not that much of bellend now he's a bit older. 

Well I think that's an exclusive, God is a Liverpool FC fan, now coming to you Jesus, as the son of a showbiz icon it must have been tough growing up, but you've joined the family business now. what's it like working alongside your dad?

Fucking awful, I'm over 2,000 years old and he still tries to tell me when it's time for me to go to bed. He has crumbs in his beard that are so old they've started to develop their own personalities and his squad* are really annoying. On the plus side, he does make a lovely cup of tea and some nice mountains. *The God squad are not my favourite people....

...and of cause you came down to Earth which must have been like going to college for a mere mortal. Did you cut lose? any wild tales of your teen years on Earth?

Well I came to England obviously but spent the whole time walking on my hands so the song is wrong. I practiced the water/wine trick until I was sick every night and I fucked around on Holy Island when it was still just called Island but they added Holy to stop it being confused with Ireland.

... that's very amusing and of cause you too had trouble in the work place when Judas dobbed you in to the authorities, how did you feel when that happened?

I kinda knew he was dodgy, he was called Judas after all, what kind of parents call their kid that for fucks sake? It's like calling your child 'two-faced wanker'. I was pretty gutted tho, I could have dobbed myself in and spent the money on No More Nails, that would have made my life,death,life thing a lot less painful.

*Boff nods sagely*...and of cause God you must be happy to have your son back with you in heaven, but I know my readers will want to know are there any future Mrs Gods lined up? a possible step-mum for Jesus?

well I've been shagging Mary ever since Joseph first married her, so it made sense for me to get with her when she entered heaven, also it means that I don't have to pay child maintenance any more. She looks a bit saggy but she's got the right holes in the right places!

...Interesting and disgusting, Coming back to you now Jesus you've rocked out the beard and sandals look for 2000 years, clearly showing that classic fashions don't age. How do you feel about the crucifix being such a trendy fashion accessory? after all it was your idea all that time ago.

The idea of hanging out in a nice cleavage sounds appealing but the novelty wears off after a while. I'm not convinced using the object of my death is the best idea, I'd have preferred an old loin cloth as the symbol of eternal life, death and life again and also to show how fucking smelly I got in that cave.

... hmmmm that sounds very fair to me if a little smelly, and do you still keep in touch with the old gang? I heard that after you ascended to heaven Mark and Luke tried to do a spin off show but it got cancelled after one series?

The boys? Yeah, we still hang out, get pissed, have last suppers etc They like to go swimming but I can't fucking swim and they take the piss "oh look at Jesus, walking on the shallow end" and "go for the high board you wimp, it's only water" when they know it would break my neck but it's all good fun really, I mean what's the worst that can happen? I die, get stuck in a cupboard and 3 days later I'm better again....

.....*laughs out loud* okay, and coming back to you now God, I hear you're something of a technology fan, We'd like to know whether heaven has wifi and what kind of download speeds do you get? more importantly what is God downloading these days?

we have 10g now and it's fast as lightening, you can play Xbox, watch Netflix and download hardcore nun porn while streaming napalm death all at the same time and still have a bit left for Jesus to watch mr tumble on cbeebies. As far as gadgets go, you just can't beat those pens that give an electric shock.

*Boff turns to the camera okay folks we need to commercial break, but join us after the ads (next week) when we'll be finding out more about the holy goat, Jesus' ill fated rock career and God's winter hair care tips*