The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.1 @Dawneywawney

*The camera slowly pans around a busy looking sitting room to rest on an elderly man in a flouncy dressing gown necking what looks like a bottle of Irn-brew from a brown paper bag* "Hello! my dear fellows, I'm Boff Moatman, and welcome to this, the first in an exciting new series of interviews with twitter celebrities. For those of you that don't know me I'm like a cross between Bruce Forsyth and Beryl Reid, shacked up with the Wombles. The Wombles have very kindly lent me their living room and given me all the bells and whistles, this lovely new smoking jacket, and tiger onesie I'm wearing underneath. Even these books down by my side are on temporary loan from Merton Library (not that they know that). I feel proper spoiled, but anyway I digress, on to our first twitter guest, a Northern belle who first found fame bogling to Aswad at the school talent show before reaching the dizzy heights of the national ker-plunk championships, a mother, a veritable lady of the lamp, with a talented bottom to boot. Yes my first exciting guest for amusement is none other than twitter's @Dawneywawney.

Our interview is due to start at 3pm sharp but Dawney arrives fashionably late at 3:10 having caught the wrong bus. Dawney comes in wearing a powder blue full ball-gown complete with elbow length gloves and grasping an acceptance speech. Already you can tell she's delightfully down to earth as she gushes that she's never done one of these before and asks me if it's okay to use my loo before the cameras roll. Once we've got Dawney settled, complete with babysham in hand, we begin by chatting about some of the formative moments of her life, Dawney is a proud northern lass who hugs each of the wombles in turn, in fact Wellington keeps sticking his head around the door to sneak a look at her in her finery. So I begin the interview by asking:

"As a Northern lass raised on gravy and pies what are your earliest childhood memories?"

Hi Boff, ooh, good question! I think my earliest memory, has to be of me, hurtling down my Mums birthing canal, at top speed. I was a fat baby, but i had a pointed head, thus making me quite streamlined. I later went on to compete in the Luge, at the Sochi winter olympics.

That must have been quite a surprise for your mum! but of cause you first found fame Bogling to Aswad at the school play, and that was the touch paper to even greater things, you had your brush with fame, being regional and then national Ker-plunk champion did you find the sweet taste of success difficult to handle?
Well, after I became champion, i had the world at my feet. Mainly because i wore globes as slippers, but thats not important right now. Anyway, the adoration became too much, and i became addicted to heron. Thats not a typo, i was getting through up to 4-5 of the fish eating, long necked fuckers a day. The turning point came, when i started getting death threats off bearded twitcher, Bill Oddie.

Then you gave it all up for Nursing; tell us what is the oddest item you've removed from a human being?
The oddest item I've removed from a human being, was when i assisted in an operation on a Russian man. He had smaller versions of himself, one inside the other, inside the other, and so on.... within his abdominal cavity.

I never knew you could even get that kind of surgery on the NHS, of cause you still have your own talents, being able to make your farts sound like Sylvester Stallone reading the works of Shakespear, where did you first learn that talent?
Good question, Boff. I first discovered my sphincter had talents, following a visit to my local Berni Inn, when i made a sound like Rocky saying "ADRIANNNNNNN" In that film that one time...

*knowing look to camera* Well, I think we can all agree that we've had dinner dates like that at some point or other. I personally had this one time in Nandos when, well, I digress, this is your night my dear. Now that I can see that Dawney is really settling down in to things I decide to explore some of the more personal aspects of Dawney's life that are close to her heart. Obviously you're well known around the wards for your whacky ways, but what do you love most about your job?

Awwww. Serious answer time now. I love everything about it. Apart from the obvious.

I see and cause you and the other ladies like to live it large, what alcohol do you recommend is best to use in a cake? and who would you give it to?
I'd probably make a cake full of bottles of cider, and i'd give it to @Busyblonde19. Cos she's a massive lush. i mean, she's lush...

At this point our interview is interrupted as Bungo comes bounding into the room to excitedly tell us about his new smash-hits cd. Bungo is the most rebellious of the Wombles and often torments me late at night with his Drum n' Bass, but Dawney lets her maternal side show by enthusing with Bungo with her own musical tastes and the day she met Dr Alban in a KFC on the way back from Leeds. She playfully tweaks his face and boots him up the bum revealing her orthopaedic shoes. Seeing me raise an eyebrow she explains that the wards are murder on her feet and she loves a good pair of comfy shoes. As our interview has been de-railed by a mischievous Womble I decide to start again with a quick fire round:

Mary Seacole or Florence Nightingale
Mary Seacole


PVC or Vulvanised rubber
vulcanised rubber
ENT or Obstetrics
obstetrics
Roger Moore or Sean Connery
Sean connery
Durran Durran or Spandau Ballet
Duran Duran
standing up or lying down
Lying down.

Mmmm some revealing answers there I'm sure you'll agree, how about a question now about one of your heroes. Because your love of Nic Cage knows no bounds, can you remember when you first set eyes upon him?
I first clapped eyes on Nic Cage in Face Off. What really stood out, was his multiple facial expressions, and his sublime acting skills. My love for him grew, when he finally got to put the bunny, back in the box, on the realistic convict thriller, Con Air.

Nods sagely, I see and what do you look for in a man?
What do i look for in a man? Well, a pulse, a fully functioning lower intestine, and no awareness of the word 'no'. Oh, and lips. Gotta have lips.

and of cause you're also a working mum, having forced another human being out of err you, do you have any words of encouragement for any expectant mums that might be reading this?
Thats a tough one.. i think, if you think your baby is ugly, JUST PUT A FUCKING HAT ON IT, IF IT BOTHERS YOU.

As our interview draws to a close I pose one more toughie: Dawney, you've already achieved so much in a rich and varied career, what are your future hopes and dreams?
My hopes? To not have anything go wrong with my arse. My dreams? Well, I'm sure we know what they are. NIC CAGE!

...and with that our interview is at an end, Dawney gives me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek before collecting her things to meet friends in the high-street. She's off to watch the Oscars with Keith Chegwin and @Wighead1. Dawney it's been an absolute pleasure. Dawney can be found on twitter where she's practicing getting her farts to sound like Willem Dafoe chanting the Magna Carta and throwing triffle at Twitter trolls.