The Cameras open on an elderly gentleman sat on a park bench, wearing rather spectacular Lolita sunglasses, who appears to be checking his pockets on a rather frequent basis. "Hello! my lovelies, it's me Boff Moatman, here to welcome you to another of my showbiz twitter interviews". "Today we've gone all alfresco for a very special interviewee who should be flying in shortly". "As I know today's special guest is rather partial to biscuits I've made sure I've stocked up on hobnobs *pats pockets* no mean feat as I also know wombles are partial to bickies".
Today's guest is a cheeky chappy, lad about town, doing the face, yes today's guest is none other than Pigeon Jon! I must admit as soon as Jon agreed to do the interview I've been on tenterhooks, not only because of his celebrity status, but also because biscuits are not the only thing wombles are partial to. Bungo has already shown me a recipe for deep fried pigeon this morning. Thankfully after a look down the back of the sofa I've managed to get together enough change to send him to the cinema, and the other wombles are much better behaved.
After sitting patiently in the damp park for a short spell, there's a flutter of wings and I feel a light weight on my head, looking up it's none other than Jon's mate, Feral Pete, a few seconds later Jon peers around the corner of the park bench, pecks the floor, shakes his head in dismay at Feral Pete and then hops up on the bench next to me. As this is the first of my interviews that I've done without the wombles I'm glad I remembered the biscuits. I share a couple of hobnobs with Jon and Pete before we can turn our attention to the all important interview.
Hello Jon, and thank you for joining us today. As a boy about town,
showbiz icon, and voice for the people, I think we should begin by asking what
do you attribute to your meteoric rise to fame?
I am not Famous. Famous People are Famous. Like Batman. He invented
Bats. Yep. Or The Queen. She was in a Band in the 1980's. I'm just a Fucking
Pigeon.
...I see, and of cause as a London boy yourself, are there any
particularly good aerial views of London you could recommend to us?
The best Aerials in London are on the BT Tower. Yep. Those Aerials are
Fucking Massive. Most of the other aerials in London are not Aerials. They're
Sky Dishes.
... Coming now on to the topic of politics, you famously did a poo
on Boris Johnson, was that a political statement or were you just caught short?
Who are you? My fucking Stalker? I've Never Shat on Boris Johnson. I've
never even been anywhere near Russia, where all the Boris's live.
At this point Boff notices a rustle in the bushes and what looks like the top of Uncle Bulgaria's hat, undeterred, Boff continues the interview with another question about London, Indeed, to be fair I'm not sure who Boris Johnson is either....I wanted to ask you what's your take on the celebrity circus of London?
Circuses are Shit, and Celebrity Circuses would probably be Even more
Shit. Is it on ITV2? ITV2 is also Shit.
*Boff makes a note in a small pad of paper "ITV2 is also shit* I see, and of cause you're quite the bird about town yourself, what's your most
prized fashion accessory?
Made a Hat out of a Prawn Cracker once. Yep. It was Fucking amazing.
Until it rained. My hat Melted in the Rain. Fucking devastated
Boff has also suffered the pain of melting clothing when a jumper made of pasta went a similar way during the recently wet winter weather, Boff and Jon share a sympathy hob nob before continuing. Just before Boff's about to ask his next question there's yet more rustling in the bushes and this time what looks like Wellington's scarf into between some leaves.
....and is it also true that you sported some funky headgear for a week
because Feral Pete said it made you look proper peng?
I. AM. SORRY. I. DO. NOT. SPEAK. FOREIGN
*Boff makes another note in a small pad of paper, "lose the jive talk Boff you're losing him"* Perhaps now is a good time to ask you a few questions about your pigeon friends, in particularly I think our readers would be interested, to know a little more about your friend Feral Pete. I'd like
to ask you some questions now about him, where did you meet him and is he
really as mad as he sounds?
He's not Mad, he's just Fucking Stupid. He lives with the Plastic Owl at
Wembley Tube Station and they eat quite a lot of Polystyrene balls
*Boff nods sagely* I too know only too well what it's like to have a friend like that. Bungo often does that sort of silly thing, not to mention the constant Drum n Bass all night long. He swears it's coming back into fashion you know. Anyway, ... I'd like to ask is it true you and Pete got into a fight with a bouncer
outside Spearmint Rhino?
All I Said was that Spearmint was the Shittest of All the Mints, and
that he looked Fuck all like a Rhino, and then things got a bit out of Hand.
Oh dear, sounds firece. At this point a womble nose (likely Orinoco) can be seen sticking out of a hedge behind Boff....what about the rumours that you've been implicated in an underground
biscuit smuggling ring working out of Trafalgar square?
That is just fucking bollocks. It is not an Underground ring, it is the Circle Line.
.... of cause biscuits are something close to your heart, but which is
best a bourbon, custard cream or the humble hob-nob?
That depends on which one you were giving me. If you gave me a Hobnob, a
Hobnob would be the best. Or if you gave me a Bourbon, a Bourbon would be the
best. Or if you gave me a Custard Cream, a Custard Cream would be the best.
Which one are you giving me? Can you make sure it is a Hobnob?
I can indeed! Boff pulls out a second packet of hobnobs from one of the many pockets on his rain coat. At this point a timid looking Orinoco emerges out of the bushes. "Please Mr Boff can I have a biscuit too, I promise to be quiet and not eat pigeon Jon". Orinoco takes a biscuit and hops up on the park bench next to Feral Pete to share his biscuit and listen to Jon's next question.
Perhaps now is a good time for a change of direction, I'm keen to know more about the pigeon kingdom and the social etiquette of pigeons, how can I put it, hmmm, well in the Bloodhound Gang song 'the Bad Touch', they talk about
doing it like mammals, I wanted to ask what is the average bird seduction
technique?
I'm Completely Shit at Maths. Always have been. Is Seduction like Long
Division? Never Fucking used that either.
...that's very interesting as something of a leader and spokesmen for
your people, do you plan on settling down at some point and starting a little
clutch of your own?
I have fucking Hundreds of Offspring. Yep. They are Everywhere. Like
Rats, only with wings.
*Boff nods impressed* As Wellington and Uncle Bulgaria now also come out of the bushes, also in search of biscuits it seems. Good job I came packing! Boff unzips a long pocket on his sleeve and takes out a packet of custard creams for the pigeons and wombles to share between them. ...that's very interesting too, I think a lot of our female viewers will
be glad to hear that you are particularly virile , which I suppose leads to my next question, how do Pigeons
interact with other species of animal? do you have any mates who are budgies
for example?
Budgies are Wankers. Never listen to a Budgie. They're like Dwarf Parrots.
Angry Dwarf Parrots.
By time I reach my last question we have been joined by Tobermory, Madame Cholet and another three pigeons who just happened to be passing this way in what is fast becoming a biscuit rave up, I'm down to my last packet of bourbons, so now is probably a good time to ask my last question before we wrap up today's interview. Jon you are well know for strutting your funky stuff so I would like to conclude our interview by saying it's been a pleasure having you with us, (not least because
we've managed to finish the interview without a womble trying to eat you), but finally I would like to ask what's your Oreo style?
Is that like Gangnam Style? Ever seen a goat do Gangnam Style? I have. Fucking amazing it was.
...and with that our interview is at a close, with no room left on the park bench for me and the pigeons and wombles discussing their favourite biscuits. In a strange way it's a beautiful sight seeing two opposed species 'breaking bread' over a humble hob nob. I decide to leave them to it and sneak back home to enjoy the peace and quiet before Bungo gets back from the cinema. Jon can be found on twitter doing the do and taking selfies of himself from street level.
