An evening with Boff Moatman - Part 2 (of 2)

The cameras open on a glitzy TV studio as the audience are slowly returning to their seats holding glasses of beer and wine. Down by the Floor manager @SwearyJesus can be seen complaining about the cigar smoke up in the executive boxes. While up in executive seats Commissar Ralph (@imcousinralph) can be seen laughing heartedly and slapping @_KirkSutherland on the back about some private joke. On the centre stage, Boff and Sweaty are deep in conversation, sipping cocktails and making hand gestures about some past transgression which without explanation doesn’t give much away. As the crowd hushes down and gets settled, Sweary rises from his seat walking to the centre with a microphone in paw to welcome the audience back.


Hello! Hello! And welcome back, no your eyes don’t deceive you, I am a dog in a dinner suit sat next to what looks like Santa in his tweed civvies, on a maroon leather couch that looks like it was stolen from the set of Twin peaks. This is what light entertain has come down to people, and I ask you *adopts Russel Crowe voice* are you not entertained!! Welcome back to an evening with Boff Moatman, I’m honoured to be your host as we gently probe through the moist parts of Boff’s cerebral cortex. Before the break we heard about how Boff and I met, and got to the meaty topics like what would Boff name a pigeon, and how he likes to impose himself on French people. So If you’re reading this you’ve clearly come back for more of the same. Good.

Now before the break we heard from Auntie Em who wanted to know what a Womble actually is, but you haven’t heard yet about when I first met them. I remember the first time I came to Maison de Moatman and I was met by the suspicious noses of Great Uncle Bulgaria and Bungo, maybe it was my Lynx Java or the remains of bolognese matted into my chest hair but they were not happy of my presence at all, as we quietly sipped sherry I noticed Bungo's record collection and was instantly drawn to a mint 12" remix of The Locomotion by Kylie, his eyes lit up at my approval and he placed it eagerly on the Matsui and whacked it up to ten. That night we danced and drank till sunrise, they both still greet me with the same suspicion all these years later but once Boff puts his gold Spinning Around hot pants on and the twister comes out we know we've got another party.

Oh Jesus! (Sweary Jesus looks up from his phone in the executive box), sorry Sweary, that must be an occupational hazard for you. I’d forgotten all about Bungo’s “Kylie Phase”, he’s usually a drum n bass kind of guy, which drives me up the wall, literally, he has the bedroom next to me. But I remember the first time he saw Kylie on neighbours and a little bit of drool ran down his chin. When the music video for ‘locomotion’ came out, he taped it and watched it so many times that he broke the VCR. The others were not happy. But even now, if I need him to mellow out all I have to do is don a pair of gold hot pants and wiggle about to some Kylie and he goes off to dreamy land. It’s quite hypnotic really. *Boff laughs as he remembers the moment*, cause I also remember those silver hot pants you got so you could join…. *Sweaty nervously laughs* “Ahhh what a great time we had Boff, Club Tropicana, and 2lt bottles of Lilt for 80p”.

Okay, anyway, enough of us, as you know we’re big on audience participation here, so now it’s time for a few more questions from our guest audience, Kachela (@KachelaMurray) has been patiently waiting to ask you a hypothetical question”

The camera cuts to the third row in the centre block where Mr and Mrs Murray are enjoying a few cheeky alcohol beverages. Hello Boff! It’s lovely to be here, I hope you’re enjoying this too, so I have a hypothetical question for you, ahem, ‘Linda, the chief fish fryer from the local chippy has been giving you the glad eye for months, she’s just swiped right on your tinder profile, so where will you be taking her and what would you do to cement her affections?

Hello my darling! So lovely to see you and Mr Murray, well, that’s quite a question. I could of cause quote Swiss Tony from the Fast Show and tell you that making love to a beautiful woman is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, *laughs* I’m only kidding my dear. No, I think if you’re getting to know someone new, particularly if it’s the opposite sex in a dating situation it’s important to ensure that’s it’s fun, with a hint of danger, the opportunity for close encounters and also the opportunity for space to relax and get to know your new beau. So I think I would probably take ‘Linda’ on a date to the local indoor kids’ playhouse, so we could have a go on all the equipment, that would be pretty fun, and after we’d exhausted ourselves, I’d take her for a romantic dinner at somewhere special like Harvester or a Beef-eater, I think after that things would go pretty well I expect.

The camera now moves down the row where in an end seat Tabitha Stirling (@Volequeen) is waiting, dressed glamorously in her best clobber, a glass of chilled wine in her hand. “Hello Boff! I must admit I wasn’t sure whether to get an executive box, but I can see you so much better from here, you’re looking very slim this evening if you don’t mind me saying”, says the Vole Queen. “Now, you already know of my somewhat dangerous background, a girl’s always got to be prepared in my line of work, so I wanted to ask, ‘If you were an assassin tasked to protect me, what would be your weapon of choice and why?’ 

Hello my darling! You look gorgeous as always, and thank you for your kind words *Boff and Sweaty compare girdles* - Sweaty comments that his came endorsed by William Shatner, if it’s good enough for the Shat, it’s good enough for me says Sweaty. Boff replies that he gets all of his girdles from Miss Selfridge, price competitive and pretty in pink. Anyway! Coming back to your question, I would have to say a French baguette, but not just any French baguette, it would have to be one covered in pre-sharpened sesame seeds, attached with a free range egg yolk. I don’t know if you’ve ever got bread crumbs from a French baguette in your eyes, but I can tell you it’s extremely sore. This is not the kind of weapon you would entrust to an amateur I can tell you my dear. *Sweaty nods, adding that bread is dangerous stuff, especially if you have wheat allergies”.

The camera now swings down to the front left segment, where Janine (@ThewriteSF) is sat holding a signed photo of one specific Womble. “Hello Boff! I hope you’re enjoying your time on stage, I wanted to say since our interview (it has almost been 2 years), I keep receiving these gifts in the post, I’m very flattered but I don’t think a human ~ womble relationship would work, could you let him down gently for me, oh and if you were an icecream flavour, what would you be and why?

Hello my darling! May I just say you’re looking radiant this evening and I can easily see why my young chap was so enamoured, but bless you, I’ll talk to him. As for your question, wow, I think if I were a flavour of ice cream I’d probably be marmite. I’m definitely a marmite kind of guy, some people love me and desperately want to smear me over everything, including themselves. Others can’t stand me, and lets be fair marmite flavoured ice cream would definitely be on the special menu, I could argue like other rogues of my generation, that I’m a product of my society, but that sounds like a load of old balls, I prefer to say I am Boff. Love me, hate me, but you’ll never forget me!

*Janine blushes* You are certainly that! And thank you!

The camera now swing back into the right-hand side of the audience where in the middle is sat our dear Reverend (@Ironhip1), “Hello Boff, it’s good to see you again my old mate, you’re looking well under the hot studio lights. I’m going to follow Kachela’s style and ask you a hypothetical question if that’s okay. So, it’s said that if you gave a hundred chimpanzees a hundred typewriters, that in enough time they would write the full works of Shakespear, so I wanted to ask if you had a 100 chimps, what would you like them to write and why?”

“Ah Reverend! Come and get some bro love” exclaims Boff, beckoning the Rev down to the stage. The Reverend comes up on stage hugging Sweaty and Boff, before joining Boff on the Maroon couch. “It’s quite soft this couch, I’m slowly sinking into the thing” explains Boff. Well, in terms of your question, I think there’s so many good books out there that could be given a Simian twist. Although I’d love to see what would happen if you asked the 100 chimps to re-write the script for the ‘Rise of the planet of the apes’, would they have a better insight to the chimp mindset, I bet you they would. But you were asking about books weren’t you, so if we’re sticking to literature, I’d have to go with ‘Dracula’, I would love to see how the 100 chimps would re-write Dracula with a Chimp-based vampire novel, I bet you it would be brilliant. Hahahha

Sweaty, Ironhip and Boff, laugh and exchange comments, before Ironhip hugs Sweaty and Boff and leaves the stage to return to his seat in the audience. “Oh, this is quite emotionally really, isn’t it Sweaty, such a lovely bunch of people’ says Boff. “Okay mate, now, lets get back to our story, there’s one topic yet that we haven’t broached….

A question Boff gets asked a lot is what does he do for a living, I'm sworn to secrecy but what I can say is his name is Moatman...Boff Moatman, I can't say any more than that but let's just say he likes his Lambrini shaken not stirred. I swore I'd never talk about his ejector seat on his moped or his luxurious canoe docked at Cannes, as one of his closest friends I can't talk about his Nissan Almera that turns into a boat or about the fat Chinese bloke who keeps trying to kill him with his hat. Let's just leave it at that eh!

Oh Sweaty! You promised you wouldn’t tell *laughs Boff*, well as a man approaching the winter of my life, much like the Game of Thrones, I’m more semi-retired these days. When I was a younger man with the energy of say a young Austin Powers or possibly David Bellamy, I could whizz round town on my motorbike complete with side car, like some kind of Cockney Rebel. I’d give that young Roger Moore a run for his money. I’ve not got where I am today without wrestling with a few under world crime bosses in seedy backstreet kitchens, and I don’t mean coming face to face with Mr Oliver’s turkey twizzler either.

*Sweaty Laughs* “For Queen and Country eh Boff, So, with that out of the bag, how about a last few questions from our audience members who haven’t had a chance to speak yet”. “Lets begin with Your demon (@yourdemon1). The Camera pans upwards towards the back of the centre block were surrounded by empty seats sits our femme fatale, a bloody axe resting in the seat next to her. “How did you get that axe past security?” asks Sweaty. Your Demon just smiles wryly, and almost at a whisper replies “what security?”. “Ahhh Mr.Moatman, I’ve been watching you closely, much more closely than you know, you look cute when you’re sleeping” continues Your Demon, before breaking wind. “I love the dark side of life Boff, tell me one of your nightmares, what makes the Moatman blood run cold, what scares you the most of all?”

Ahhh, you are a scamp my darling, in terms of what scares me, spiders obviously, confined spaces, heights, being trapped in a glass-bottomed lift with spiders over a cliff wouldn’t be great. But I think if we’re going to analyse fear, and I think that’s what you’re asking, we need to really dig deep into the psychology of things. So I have all your Wilde-an fears about not being loved and respected by my peers, the Freudian fears that I’ll wake up one morning to find my penis has been replaced by a rubber chicken; but I think if you want to get to the really bone chilling stuff, then the knowledge that all existence and human civilisation is merely a product of chaotic evolution, and that we are utterly alone in the Universe. Moreover, that because we are a product of that chaotic evolution, everything we say and do is utterly meaningless and without merit, that will be quickly forgotten when our human bodies are consigned to empty nothingness. In effect, that we are merely a blip in an endless empty eternity, but of cause we all know that’s completely ridiculous, right?

*Your Demon shrieks with laughter, cupping herself and winking at Boff, before doing a ‘call me’ sign with her hands*, the camera then jerkly moves diagonally down to the left, where several rows nearer the front the boys from ‘visit wakefield’ (@visit_wakefield) are sat proudly with their ‘Visit_wakefield’ badges on their lapels. “bloody hell Boff, what was that all about, Helen Worth would have shat her pants if she’d seen that”, they say, “Okay, our question was simply, If you had one day left on the planet and you had unlimited money, what would you do?”

Wow, you saved all the deep philosophical questions to the end. That’s a really tough one to answer actually. The noble and sentimental part of me wants to say that I would probably spend it with my immediate family and friends, somewhere beautiful, with good food and live music. If travel time wasn’t the issue, maybe I would spend it in Tibet with the monks trying to find inner enlightenment in my last few hours, so that I was ready to meet my maker. But then again, you know me, all too well actually. If I had 24 hours left to live and unlimited funds, I fear my last day on earth would probably not be unlike the music video for the Prodigy song ‘smack my bitch up’, ahem. That probably says more about me than it does you doesn’t it? *Sweaty interjects* Is that the one where at the end it turns out to be a girl? “yes, mate” replies Boff. “That video is mental, that would be a heck of a night out though Boff”, says Sweaty.

The camera now pans to the back part of the left-hand side block of seats, where a clown is sat trying to stretch up to reach the sound-boom. JB (@JB1971_) waves to camera “hey guys, don’t worry Boff, I’ve got my toe under control today” says JB cryptically. “I wanted to ask Boff whether he has ever had birds nesting in his beard? Did that really happen?”

Ah JB, I’m glad to hear that your cheeky little toe is back underwraps, it must be a bind having talking body parts. Still, it never held Cyndi Lauper back, ahem. So anyway to your question, I’m sorry to say that’s an urban myth, much as I’m sure my beard would make a lovely home for any prospective birdy couple, it simply has never happened. I think the rumour originates from a day out at the seaside I had. I was enjoying a day out on Brighton beach, a cone of chips in hand, and while eating, a chip missed my mouth and got stuck in my beard. For beard wearers this is unfortunately a common problem, which is why cleanliness really is next to godliness. In this case I didn’t notice the mistake, but a seagull did, and I ended up with the feathery bastard wedged in my beard, wings flapping all over the place. It was quite distressing for all concerned, but it did make the evening news in Brighton, and that’s where I think the myth started.

The camera now comes back to Sweaty on his armchair. Thank you to all guests who have asked a question, and apologies for those that didn’t get the opportunity. What a wonderful evening we've had, I hope you all feel that bit closer to the Boffster, he's one of twitters true gentleman and a national treasure like Vanessa Feltz or Barry from Eastenders. I wanted to conclude with one last anecdote, We once got stuck in a lift in Marks and Spencer, the temperature reached over 19 degrees and I was a bit thirsty, he reached into his satchel and handed me a half full bottle of Irn Bru, I offered him a mouthful but he pressed the bottle against my slightly parched lips, we were rescued seven minutes later but I truly believe he saved my life that day. I told him I owed him my life but he just said I could buy him a Panini in the food court. Ladies and gentleman please be upstanding for the man that is Boff Moatman, *audience rises to their feet clapping and wolf whistling*

*Sweaty gets up from his armchair and walks back to centre stage* “Okay, and with that this evenings events are drawing to a close, the band have kindly agreed to play us out with one of their classic tunes. We’d like to invite our audience to come down and join us on stage as we shake our funky thangs. So with that, here’s Duran Duran again with their hit ‘Wild Boys’”. *The camera zooms out as people flood down from the audience to enjoy the music and congratulate Boffy and Sweaty on a job welldone.*

An evening with Boff Moatman - Part 1 (of 2)

The camera opens on a busy TV studio floor, delightfully decked out in 80s style Parkinson colours with partition screening. As the camera pans across a packed and noisy audience, many familiar faces can be seen chatting to one another and trying to open bags of popcorn without spilling the contents on the audience member in front of them. The camera then pans to the stage, where the hip young boy band of the moment (Duran Duran) are sat up in the bandstand sipping Campari and relaxing. The camera finally comes to settle on centre stage where a garishly clad elderly gent with a big grey beard is sat reclining on a grey cloth couch. Then from the back of the stage an even more garishly dressed dog emerges to rapturous applause from the audience.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to an Evening with Boff Moatman, it's a huge honour to co-host this historic televisual extravaganza celebrating the man, the myth, the bearded behemoth that is Boff Moatman. We have some of Boff's closest friends in the audience tonight poised and ready to fire questions to the big man, fingering his massive brain for tales of past escapades, separating the fact from the fiction. We also have four sexy young things going by the name of Duran Duran who are premiering their new single ‘Ordinary World’ for the first time ever on TV, I've been backstage and they've made a right mess, it's stinks of cider, Wotsits and mischief in there. So without further ado let's welcome the man of the moment, the big kahuna, the chosen one, the Spanish call him El Boffo but we know him as Boff Moatman.

The Camera cuts away back to Boff on the Couch, as Sweaty walks across to a matching grey cloth armchair nicked from Pebble Mill's storage room.

"I’m so glad it’s you that hosting this evening dearest Sweaty, you’re such a dear friend, who already knows all of my deepest darkest secrets, but also because you know, that I know, about that thing with you and the Duchess of Kent and that other thing that won’t be mentioned *slyly winks*. *Sweaty laughs, placing a paw on Boff’s knee* “ohh you are a mischievous bugger, don’t worry mate, we’ll be gentle, and ixnay on the Duchess thing, she might be watching”.

“So, where shall we start, what stories can we tell to help uncover a little more about the man that is Boff Moatman, well maybe I can begin by telling you all about the time me and Boff first met, I was in Snappy Snaps getting my holiday photos developed when I heard a massive kerfuffle going on in the passport photo booth, I pulled the curtain aside and there sat a silvery bearded wonder that took my breath away, he had an air of something special about him, I think it was Kestrel Super as the booth smelled very boozy. He explained that he couldn't get his car started and someone kept flashing him, after a short struggle I managed to drag him outside and buy him a burrito to sober him up, we sat there for hours sharing tales of high seas and low cut hipster jeans, we laughed, cried and vomited stale Kestrel. I knew that day I'd met a special friend, we often get drunk and try to drive home despite being barred from Snappy Snaps. As a friend and drinking buddy I'd love to know what your best night out was that didn't result in a custodial sentence? 

Ah Sweaty, I wish I could tell you that I remember it like it was only yesterday, but needless to say, I was very very drunk. I had to knock the Kestrel beer on the head, it did terrible things to my bowels, or at least every time I got hammered on Kestrel I would get a yearning for one of Dirty Sid’s (@Dirtysid) special curries. I was never sure which did the more damage, but thankfully that’s all behind me. I think my best night out (that I can remember) was that time you and I popped down to the dog and ferret for a swift half at lunchtime. Five hours later, we were sat on a merri-go-round trying to race some 10 year olds, who swore more than we did. Then that nice lady with the false eye took pity on us and bought us each a candy floss. That was a great evening out, it’s always good when you return home wearing both shoes and don’t have vomit down the front of you.

The audience applauds with raucous laughter as Sweaty interjects. “Okay, as you know all of these shows are big on audience participation, and as you’ll be able to see many of your former interview guests are itching to get in on the act and ask their own questions, so lets begin…”

The camera cuts away to the second row where Willow (@paperhegemony) and her partner Quentin are sat patiently waiting to ask their question. A sound-boom comes down as Willow looks waiting to see if it’ll stop in time, clearing her throat, she says, ”Hello Boff, you lovely old rogue, I wanted to ask when you were at school as a young boy, what sort of things did you do to impress the ones you fancied?”

Hello my darling, so lovely to see you tonight, and a pleasure to meet you also Quentin. As far as your question goes, well, I had a full beard by the age of 6, so I did stand out somewhat from the other boys. But I must admit as a young lad I was terribly shy and bashful, so I didn’t discover the fairer sex until after school had finished. Other than a passing crush on the school librarian (even now horn-rimmed glasses on a gold chain get me going) which didn’t end well after I returned a book late, I didn’t have much to do with girls. I have of cause made up for lost time since you understand.

The sound-boom then moves to the middle of the audience where @Neillyfabi is waiting, having recently returned from visiting his in-laws in Argentina. “Hi Boff, it’s good to see you mate, you’re looking a little warm under these camera lights, I hope they’re keeping you boys well-watered, I wanted to ask a question about travel, I wondered if you could share with us the most embarrassing holiday experience you’ve had with us?”

*Boff reaches down behind the arm of the sofa and raises a fancy cocktail before chuckling* I must admit I do have a story, one that I haven’t told in many many years. When I was a young boy at school they encouraged us to have a pen-pal in France, and so I wrote to Jean-Pierre for an entire year, exchanged swear words, smutty jokes, the usual. Well, the school organised a student exchange for us, but back in those days’ photographs were expensive, so I had no idea what Jean-Pierre or his family looked like. So they sent me across on the Ferry, and then when I arrived, as I later found out, Jean-Pierre is quite a common name for French boys. At first his family seemed quite confused, especially when I handed them my bag and climbed into their car. They protested for the first few days, presumably because of cultural differences, but by the end of the second week we were firm friends, it was only when we got back to the ferry port and I met ‘my’ Jean-Pierre who was on his way to stay with my family that I realised the mistake. To this day, I still have no idea who I stayed with for two weeks.

The camera boom now moves to an executive box in the gallery where Commissar Ralph (@ImcousinRalph) is busy plotting world domination. “Good evening Mr.Moatman, I was not happy about being dragged away from my country, but the Cuban Cigars and 80 year old brandy is very much welcome. For me I like a particular movie quote, ‘There are three things I like; Kylie Minogue; small dimples just above a woman’s buttocks; and the fear in a man’s eyes who knows I’m about to hurt him’, what quote do you like?

Hahahah as ever my dear Ralph, you’re presence is easily felt across the whole studio, magnanimous as always. Well, as I’m sure you’ll know I love my comic book movies, so I think my favourite quote comes from the original Batman movie, because we all know that Jack Nicolson was the best Joker, so tell me dear fellow ‘Have you ever danced with the Devil by the pale moonlight? I just like to ask that question of all my prey’, *Boff bursts out laughing while Ralph nodes approvingly*

Sweaty now takes over again, “some excellent questions, we’ll come back to the audience again in a little bit, but I think you'll agree we're really getting to know our favourite former aristocrat. Now it’s time for another of my stories, and then a surprise for you Boff. So as well as being hell raisers Boff and I have shared the good and bad times together, the poignant and the erotic. As voted the winner of ‘Britain's best beard 1997’ by Hairy Studz magazine Boff was asked to do centre spread for the Christmas edition, he asked me to give him a lift to the shoot and carry his beard grooming kit. Having not read Hairy Studz before we hadn't realised there was more than just the pages being spread that day, however Boff was ever the professional and that issue broke all records for that magazine selling in excess of 40 copies. That beard opens a lot of doors for you mate, which is why we got you a little gift.

*From the stage right an assistant comes on carrying a bag of hair care accessories* We wanted to get you something from the Nicky Clark range but the Floor manager said we couldn’t afford it, so instead, we got you the complete Vanilla Ice hair care professional kit, now every day can be a ‘high top’ day. But before we let you get your mitts on the goodies, we wanted to ask how you maintain such a magnificent soup strainer?

Oh! Bless you, this really is too kind, I feel really embarrassed now because I didn’t get you a gift. As for hair, well I don’t have much up top, so it really is the beard. I tried various shampoos and potions, but often find that they leave it too light and fly-away. That’s why I now use my secret ingredient, irn-bru, it gives my beard a lovely weight, soft curls, and an ever so slight orange tint, which drives the dinner ladies at the care home up the road wild. I’m often mistaken for ZZ-Top you know, both of them, the old dears don’t see so well, but it does wonders for my pride. You’re coat is lovely and glossy too Sweaty, I can see you take good care of yourself.

Sweaty smiles, I brush my hair every day to avoid knots and tangles you know Boff, you’ve got to have a routine, anyway, enough of man-care tips, time to go back to our audience for a few more questions. I can see Tim (@TimGooderham) is itching to ask you a question. The camera cuts away to the front row where Tim is sat next to Lady Anne (@SensuaMuppet), sharing a box of popcorn “Hello Boff, I hope you’re enjoying your time in the lime-light, I wanted to ask what made you get into this Parkinson style interview business in the first place?

Hello dear boy! I must confess the interview thing was largely by accident. I mean, I was a fan of Parky growing up as a boy, but I also enjoy the contemporary interview shows like Alan Carr, and that young whipper-snapper Jonathon Ross. I think for me, I’ve met so many people down the road, and they all have fascinating insights to life and the human condition. On Twitter you are limited to the requisite 140 characters, but there’s such a rich tapestry of life, and people from all over the world that have had different experiences and upbringings. I wanted to shine a light and go beyond the 140 characters to help bring some of those things to the surface and really give people the opportunity to get to know their peers a little more. My only regret is that we’re limited to the English language, I’m sure there are others from far flung places that would be fascinating guests, but alas, as Jean-Pierre found out, my French is crap.

The camera and sound-boom now swing off to the far right, where in the third row the Elfish Witch (@elfishbitch) is waiting to ask a question. “Hello darling Boff! We’ve turned the tables *laughs* it was about time that we got to ask a few questions ourselves, oh bearded enigma. Talking of beards, what’s your beardspiration?

Ahhh my darling, you’ve been so wonderfully supportive of the Moatman Interviews, I’m so glad you were able to attend this evening. In terms of your question, obviously the ‘Blessed’ was a big impact on me, as a young boy with a full beard, seeing him shout ‘Gordon’s Alive’, has stayed with me for many years. Personally I prefer a full natural beard, that is well kept and washed regularly. This recent trend with over stylised beards leaves me cold, who needs designer stubble and tram lines on their chin? I must admit I steer clear of beard wax also, horrible smelly stuff. No, give me a proper Santa’s beard over a hipster twiddly number any day.

The camera then swings back to the middle where Trish Finley (@WTF_MYOB) is waiting. “Hello, you grizzly old love demon, *laughs Trish*, I’m really torn, I wanted to ask you a normal question like ‘tell us something you do, that we should all do/shouldn’t do’, but I’m really temped to ask you something sassy like ‘which famous lady (dead/or alive) would you like shtup’ ? I just don’t know.

Hahahah two for the price of one! Well in terms of things I do, I must confess I talk to myself, A LOT, to the point where friends and family enquire after ‘Philip’, I’m not sure whether I would recommend that, but you certainly get the right answers if you talk to yourself, and a better class of company, at least on occasion. As for your second question, goodness, so much choice hahaha, well, I do have a soft spot for Amy Adams, who’s delicate and gorgeous, with bags of sass and energy. But if we’re talking historical characters, Queen Elizabeth the first sounds fun, she’s got the body of a weak and feeble woman but with the heart and stomach of a king. Although I may insist that Miranda Richardson fills in for her, depending on the state of her teeth and pox. Ahem.

The camera now swings up to another of the executive boxes where @swearyJesus is waving away the cigar smoke from Commissar Ralph “You do know it’s no smoking in here don’t you?” says Sweary, as Ralph just shrugs and takes another toke on his cigar, “even as the son of God I get no respect *sighs* hello Boff, I wanted to ask you an important deeply biblical question, here goes, *takes a deep breath*, If you had a pigeon what would you call it and why?

Ahhhh that is a deeply philosophical question indeed. Obviously the name ‘Jon’ is taken, but I’m quite partial to the name Keith; Keith the pigeon. I just fear that he would get tarred with a Keith Lemon brush and be forced to wear garish suits and chair dodgy game shows for other pigeons. So lets go for something more noble. How about Michael. Michael the pigeon, he’s running for office in the local council elections. He’ll sort out the bird poo problem in the town centre.

The camera now comes to rest on the left-hand side of the audience where our dear Auntie Em (@AskAuntieEm1) has flown in especially from the United States. “Hello Boff, I’m so glad that you invited me to come along to this, it’s been a hoot! So I wanted to ask for those of us who are unfamiliar, what is a Womble?

Oh my God! I’m so pleased to see you, this is a wonderful surprise, I can’t believe you came all the way from the States to be here. I must admit Sweaty, I feel wonderfully spoiled with all the lovely people in the audience this really has touched me. In terms of your question, well, Wombles are native to the British Isles, but were cruelly hunted because they taste abit like chicken, so they are far rarer these days, with Wimbledon Common being sanctuary for their protection. In terms of how I would describe them, well, small, hairy, smell a bit odd, have a fascination with trash and tidying, but so lovable and funny too. So in that respect very much like Danny De Vito really.


The Camera now comes back to Sweaty. “N’awww see Boff, I’m feeling the love in the room, not least because of the idea of an Amy Adams / Miranda Richardson threesome, you sly old dog” says Sweaty. “We could listen to you and Philip ramble on all evening, but for those people in our wider audience reading our blog, it’s time for a break, I don’t want anyone wetting themselves because we deprived them of rest room breaks”, continues Sweaty. Besides to sing us into the break, we have a musical interlude, we are incredibly lucky to have this hot young band in the studio to sing us their new single, ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Duran Duran with ‘Ordinary World’, I’m sure you’ll like it. Join us next time for the second half of an evening with Boff Moatman.