Tuesday 29 August 2017

The Moatman Interviews -S6- No.4 "High society" ft @CountessWessex

The camera opens on a refined stately home, with high picture windows, richly embroidered chairs and a large portrait of the former Count of Essex in the background. Sat at a little round oak table is a well dressed lady in pail blue Georgian dress playing gin rummy with an elderly gentleman in a fine grey morning suit. Every now and again the lady can be seen kicking the gent in the shins to distract him from her fiddling with the cards and taking a little slurp from a glass of gin and tonic sat on a doily next to the main deck. The game of cards is then interrupted by the 'butler' entering the room. The butler, a young, blond man, with a tan and rippling muscles is wearing nothing but a flimsy apron and carrying a silver trail with cake and tea on it. As he bends over to serve, his buttocks are in plain view, the lady pausing to admire them appreciatively and nodding in approval. The butler then places the items on the table and leaves.

Boff waits a full ten seconds before asking "Is that entirely normal", "No" replies the lady, "but I do like it" she then lays her cards on the table "gin!" she cries in a happy voice rocking from side to side at her victory. "shall we have another game, Boff? and do you play for money?" says the lady with a wicked grin. "Ah, dear friends, I fear I've been set up by a card shark" says Boff, "well, here we are in the rather beautiful home of the Countess of Essex, a mother to six wonderful children, who look nothing like their father, an entrepreneur and former glamour model". "Don't forget prize winning pugilist Boff, I showed that Madonna a thing or two" chimes in the Countess. "Indeed, she'll know better than to go rambling on country estates without a chaperone in future" concedes Boff, "You're a wonderful character with an amazing back story, shall we delve?"

*The Countess shuffles the cards, while nodding in the affirmative* Great, so I wanted to begin by asking about your formative years, what were your parents like? and do you have happy memories of your youth?

Both of my parents were American but in 1940 my father was convinced that Hitler had his sights on Lincoln Park, Michigan so to avoid the impending bombing he uprooted the family and moved to the East End of London where my eldest brother was born three months later in an air raid shelter. I was born several years later and have nothing but fond memories of my childhood.

"Ah I see, that may not have been the shrewdest of moves to be fair", notes Boff. The Countess shrugs, placing a new hard of cards on the table. "Daddy did love his air raid shelter so, the war time songs, the poster of 'dig for victory', and underneath it another poster of a blond with pointy bra" says the Countess fondly reminiscing. Indeed and like all young ladies of your breeding, you were soon packed off to boarding school. What kind of experience was that? did you get on with the other girls?

At that stage I wasn’t classed as a ‘lady of breeding’ and attended a regular Secondary Modern School in Dartford, Kent where our family had moved to in the mid 50’s.Sorry Boff, your wicked fantasies of me and Yvonne Browning in the dormitory practicing kissing are just that.

*Boff blushes* Clearly my research team have made a mistake, I do apologise, explains Boff. The Countess simply waves the mistake away with a hand as if no further explanation is needed. *ahem* Indeed and I'm told that you were something of a hell-raiser, do you have any good stories of getting one over on the matrons and head-mistress?

Yes, I suppose you could say I was a bit of a hell raiser. In the dinner hour Sally Grimshaw, Lilly Lovebite and I would slip out of school to sit on the swings in the park and if the all clear was given and we were really up for devilment then sometimes we would go on the slide too.

Goodness!! Then after finishing school, you went out into the big wide world? how did that feel? were you prepared for the world and what plans did you have?

I left school at sixteen and found myself working for a small publishing company in London where they churned out various periodicals but being young and naïve titles like ‘In Your Face’, ‘Lick This’ and ‘Big Boobed Babes in 3D’ meant nothing to me as I was tucked away making tea and cleaning the sofas (which now I come to think of it did require cleaning on quite a regular basis).

*Boff spits tea everywhere*, "Oh good grief man!" Cries The Countess, "a pair of norks is no reason to soil the Axminster" continues the Countess, before ringing a little bell and summoning the same tanned, muscled, semi-naked butler to begin scrubbing the carpet. The Countess positions herself for a good view while the butler cleans up, "odd really, reminds me of Freddy before he had the snip" says the Countess. Seeing a confused look on Boff's face, the Countess explains that Freddy is the family dog. "Okay, ahem, sorry about that, you caught me by surprise", says Boff, "so if we can continue. At this point you became a glamour model, can you tell us how that came about?"

One rainy day as I was preparing the editor's morning Darjeeling and slice of Battenberg he popped his head round the door and said he fancied a cream horn. Our eyes met and I don’t know if it was because of he way I had brushed my hair that day or simply because my dress was draped drying over a chair and I was standing there semi naked but he made the instant decision that I should be gracing the pages….not the kitchen.

I see ...and I dare say you had a few casting couch moments, did you use the tricks you learnt to protect you from their grabby hands?

My modeling career really took off from that moment and I could often be seen tits out and legs akimbo in various mens magazines (including ‘Tits Out & Legs Akimbo’ ). It wasn’t long before Hugh Heffner came calling and the Playboy Mansion beckoned. Those were the hessian days when we looked like we had sat on Davy Crocketts hat and I was responsible for many a bite mark on Hugh's well worn pipe.

hahahah you said 'pipe' as a metaphor for his manhood, good one, says Boff. "No" corrects the Countess, it really was a pipe, he had to have something to bite down on when I, you know, oh good grief, you're a grown up work it out Boff. Yes, well, perhaps changing the subject, what about the Count? how did you come to meet him? were your parents happy you found a suitable match?

Well as you can imagine having reached top shelf stardom I was invited to many celebrity and diplomatic functions and it was during one of these that I was introduced to the Count. He was over from Germany and had a name which I still can’t pronounce without sounding like I am choking on gravel. I simply called him Bobo and what he lacked in the wedding tackle department he certainly made up for in the wallet section.

Indeed, so you married for love then? "naturally, what are you implying Boff?" responds the Countess. Oh nothing, anyway, you're the talk of high society, your summer soiree's being a particularly highlight, what's the secret to throwing on a good bash?

Well Boff, the secret to ‘throwing a good bash’ is to let somebody else arrange and more importantly pay for it. I find that's usually the best way.

Ha! So anyway six children later here you are? what are your memories of child-birth?

My memories of childbirth are being surrounded by lovely flowers in a smashing private ward in an exclusive private hospital trying to remember who the father was. To be honest Boff, I'm not really inclined to listen to other expectant mothers screaming, it really puts you off your crossword.

I never knew you were into crosswords? says Boff. "I'm not" replies the Countess taking another generous slurp of her gin and tonic. Indeed, but you are a feisty mother. Aside from the Madonna unpleasantness, which we can't talk about for legal reasons. You also had something of a public spat with Pam Ayres? what's that all about?

Pam Ayres wrote a poem on Twitter to which I responded also in rhyme. She congratulated me in a clever manner to which I once again responded in a poetic mode. She then replied and with rapier wit I topped her response which then led to her blocking me. The whole thing, was a frightful shame. I really thought we were making progress.

I'm very sorry to hear that m'lady. As a member of the upper classes I also couldn't do this interview without asking what's your opinion of the Queen and the monarchy?

Well with regards to the Monarchy I can abide Liz and Pip but if it wasn’t for the Daily Mail and such I am sure the others would soon be forgotten about which is why I think they should adopt a rotation system on our postage stamps and coinage to remind people what they look like and who they are paying vast sums of money to support.

That sounds like a very astute suggestion. But as Countess of Essex you see both sides of the spectrum, is it true you were invited to go on 'The only way is Essex', to help give the show a bit of class?

Yes, I was invited to partake in ‘The Only Way is Essex’ but firstly I don’t think it is and secondly I refuse to be tanned, bleached, bejazzled and have a butterfly inked onto my buttocks whilst sounding like I have a mouth full of cockles. That's why one has staff Boff.

hahah oh dear....and what are your plans for the future now that your children are all rapidly reaching grown-up-hood. Will you be re-inventing yourself again? and growing old disgracefully?

My future plans are to continue writing a diary which will elaborate further on my intricate life and let the reader delve and probe into my inner secrets. Hopefully it will be finished soon and available online. 

That sounds a marvellous idea, I'm sure there's plenty of people who would love to learn more about what goes on behind your closed doors, smiles Boff. "You don't have to look quite so pleased with yourself Boff, it's nothing rude. well, it is a bit rude, but that's hardly a crime. Now I suggest we get back to Gin Rummy, Open hand is £50, and it's £75 to call my bluff. On that note Boff pulls out a copy of Snakes and Ladders from beneath his seat and suggests a real high stakes game.

Tuesday 22 August 2017

The Moatman Interviews -S6- No.3 "Feline fine" ft @Tiysch

The camera's open on an underground bunker; wide stone steps spiraling downward to be supplanted by a smooth concrete floor. Then as the camera pans up a wall of TV monitors flickering with various news and CCTV feeds being piped in. In one corner of the room a large man sized table with a laser pointing at its centre, the scorch marks still clearly visible. Then there sat at the console with his back to the camera is the evil genius of this lair, one mechanical arm visible over the arm rest, as an angry feline tail twitches, clearly unhappy at being petted.

What follows next is a loud scuffle and crashing as an elderly gent with a bag over his head his brought down the stairs and thrown very woughly to the floor. Two menacing looking henchmen remove the bag to reveal a hot and flustered looking Boff. "Now, look here!" exclaims Boff, "I've done a lot of these interviews and I've never been so roughly treated, it's not on do you here?", "You're not even going to do me the common courtesy of turning around when I'm talking to you, are you?" continues Boff getting more grumpy. At which point a cat pokes its head around the side of the chair "Oh, Hi Boff" says the cat. "Tisch?" says Boff looking shocked. The cat then jumps down from the chair walks calmly across the floor to a small chez lounge not previously spotted, licks a paw, and then hops up. "You're bigger in real life" she replies.

"Wait? what? who's that in the chair? I thought I was interviewing an evil genius today?" says Boff. "Oh, that's just a mannequin, I use him as a scratch toy mainly, I mean who's going to believe a talking cat right? But he does come in handy for ordering pizza, yes, cats can like pizza too, it's a crazy modern world, Boffykins". "But what was with the bag and the henchmen and throwing me on the floor?" Says Boff looking a little hurt. "Oh, I just like the drama really, Trevor and Toby are nice boys, but they do get a bit over exaggerated, I'll claw their legs for you later" says Tisch, before licking a paw and cleaning her cheek. "So ask me your questions Boff, and don't hold back, I want you to probe my every corner".

*Boff straightens his clothing and retrieves a piece of paper from his pocket* Okay, right, well indeed, we should crack on. I wanted to start with a nice gentle ice breaker to help my readers get to know you. So lets start by asking what does a typical day look like for a talking cat?

Well Boffykins, says Tisch (looking at her retractable claws), like Jimi Hendrix I try and get up every day. Obviously there are times when napping takes priority over world domination but I do try and make a little time each day to subjugating my minions. After rising I will usually have a snack then I may run around the lair all batshit crazy. Then I'll nap again. Then maybe a spot of subjugation and another nap. [Being a supervillian is rather exhausting.] Then supper, then bed. 

"I see, sounds hectic", says Boff...."and when did you actually realise that you could talk? Is it just you or do other cats talk too?"

I've always been able to talk Boff. All cats can, but not all humans can understand us of course and this can lead to all sorts of upsets. Like being given whiskers chicken in jelly when you specifically asked for lamb in gravy. Most upsetting. It's this kind of thing that drives us to climb up curtains, that and the lure of catnip. Why do people hide catnip on the top of curtains Boff?


I'm not entirely sure Tisch, I guess it seemed logical at the time, and how did you get into this mad-cap world of crime and underworld catty plans for world domination?

Well, that's an interesting story. I was out doing my rounds, when I came across this strange little door in the side of a hill. I did some digging around and noticed a spare cat-flap, which was handy. I was suspicious at first, cats are always suspicious of stray cat-flaps. But then I thought what the hey, and I wandered in here one day when the previous occupant was still alive and never bothered to leave. He got hauled off by some chap called Bond and I thought it would be a shame to let the place go to waste and there were a few henchmen still kicking around [ nods at Trevor and Toby and waves a dismissive paw] so I thought I might as well take over the operation. With a few tweaks here and there obviously.

I see, that was lucky. But you mainly use your powers for good right? what's the best use of your feline prowess?

I've put a lot of effort in the development of high grade catnip, and toys as well, the two rather go together. Currently I have people working on a self emptying litter tray. Being a supervillian is sometimes about giving back to the community. I mean think of the possibilities dearest Boff, all those cats up and down the country having to suffer the indignity of having their poop inspected. Personally I don't mind, but it does bother others.

Personally, I think a self-emptying cat tray has its merits, for humans as well as cats. But lets keep going so, what does your owner make of this? are they aware of your shenanigans? or are they still talking to the mannequin?

Ah Boff, my darling, I can see you've learnt nothing. Cats don't have owners, well, not really, I mean we like to let humans think they own us. I do have a human who I'm particularly fond of, mainly for food, catnip, tummy rubs. But I'm an independent woman Boff, I can order my own pizza, and even scratch myself when I need to. To be honest though, why have henchmen and scratch yourself if you know what I mean. *Tisch purrs loudly to herself at that one*.

*Boff blushes* That's charming, why are you making big eyes at me? *Tisch shrugs and carries on staring*, SO....I'm sure you've also had some close shaves, how many of the nine lives are left? and can you tell us any good stories about the hot water you've found yourself?


Oh the nine lives questions always a tricky one. You see it's not always wise to advertise how many you've got left. Some people can be a bit funny about things like that. I can tell you that the setup when I first got here was more than a little tricky. There was that whole thing with the crocodile pit. And the sharks. Way too many things involving water. That had to be put a stop to. I'm afraid water of any temperature is a rather touchy subject. Although Mr Bond certainly seemed to enjoy a dip

Ah, was that the one with the sharks that had lasers on their head? ahem, anyway, I can't interview a talking cat without asking the question. So what's the deal with cats bringing in dead mice as treats?

Well us cats are terrific hunters, and love preying on the small rodent population, although mice are more rare these days than you'd think. I have to get mine from the pet shop on the precinct. The important part is 'why', you did ask that didn't you Boffykins? Well you see, good humans are hard to come by. So we like to make sure any other cats in the area know you're taken. What better way to scare off the competition than to recreate the village of the damned in your livingroom. There's always a reason we do things you know.  

I see, that's very informative, and what do the local Tom cats make of you? any juicy gossip you can share with us?

There's a rather lovely Bengal that lives just down the road. He's been quite keen but he can be a bit of a handful.. you know what orientals are like. [ sniggers ] and the people next door used to have a black panther. Probably best I don't go into details, he's on the loose you see and values his privacy. 

Wow, you prefer your cats big and powerful by the sounds of it then. Now earlier you mentioned humans and the cat - human relationship. So I wanted to ask what do cats really make of humans? are we really just your slaves?

I'm afraid so. We don't mind you doing your own thing from time to time as long as you're there for chin scratches, meals, entertainment and litter tray duties. I think I mentioned I was having a self emptying litter tray developed so you see I'm not always unreasonable. 

True, True, you are a feline with a big heart. I know you like to teach the youth of today some good strong morale values too. What's the best advice you could give them?

I would tell the kittens of today to avoid vole spleens at all costs and to point out the benefits of my new strain of nip which is available at all good pet stores now. It has all the hallucinatory goodness of nip without any of the yucky comedowns.

Indeed, I'll keep that in mind. I also know that you have strong views on politics, you're something of a politi-cat. If you could get into 10 Downing street what would you do first?

I have a list of things for Downing street. Crap in shoes, barf in handbag, leave very very dead rat in dispatch case. Larry does some sterling work on the whole shredding papers thing, which is why they keep losing their manifesto. *evil laughter*

Well, my darling Tisch, it's certainly been an experience. I'm going to end the interview in my usual silly style, so Garfield, Tom (of Tom and Jerry), and Sylvester - Snog, Marry, Avoid? and why?!


Snog Tom, he's a bit of a live wire but not too restful. Marry Garfield because you don't always want to be rushing around like a crazy cat. As for Sylvester well.. that whole thing with the bird - can't be doing with that. 

ahahah well it's been a pleasure, now, will I be leaving through the window or the door? asks Boff. Tiysch stretches her retractable claws, preens an ear and gives Boff a wink before gesturing to her henchmen to see Mr Moatman out.

Tuesday 15 August 2017

The Moatman Interviews -S6- No.2 "Welsh dragons" ft @LouJaneWalsh1

The camera opens on the beautiful scenes of Cardiff Bay, the bright sunlight glistening off the water as a stiff breeze coming in off the Bristol Channel creates choppy flowing waves that lap up against the harbour walls. Today's guest, a resident and first daughter of Cardiff has been taking a gentle walk around the harbour area to show Boff the main sights and attractions. Although this has already led to some excitement when passing the Dr Who experience where a group of excited holidaymakers mistook Boff for one of the characters. Poor Boff was mobbed with requests for selfies and signing T-shirts while today's guest could do nothing but stand on and watch bemused as a young lad wearing a cyberman mask repeatedly clubbed Boff with a ray-gun.

After the "Dr Who unpleasantness" today's guest shrewdly suggested that they take shelter in a near by pub where they could find something to eat and drink. So here we find ourselves sat at a table on a balcony area next the harbour itself, the yachts sailing in and out as the waitress brings across a plate of freshly baked Welsh cakes, a pint of beer and a strong coffee. Waiting for the waitress to leave our guest promptly swaps the pint in front of Boff for the coffee in front of herself. "Are you feeling any better yet Boff" asks Louise (our guest). Boff sipping coffee replies "These Dr Who people are fanatics, I look nothing like Theodore Maxtible!" "He wasn't even a big character", continues Boff shaking his head. "Don't trouble yourself, here have a Welsh cake, the sugar will help settle your nerves" continues Louise.

Nibbling on a Welsh cake, Boff does feel a bit better. "Hail fellows!, so here we are once again, this time in the majestic city of Cardiff, and what better setting to conduct our interview today." "Today's guest, is a writer and former boxer, born within these city limits, the Welsh valleys flowing through her veins and a strong song to sing in her heart, yes, today I'm sat in this pub with Louise Walsh". "That's very poetic, Boff, but I have no idea what that means" chuckles Louise. "well, I wanted to thank you for letting us dragged you out here to talk to us today" continues Boff, "It's a pleasure" replies Louise, "so you have some questions for me?"      

Indeed I do, so I usually like to begin an interview with an ice-breaker question to help ease you into it and help our readers get to know you a little bit. So I wanted to ask you, if you had to pen a description for yourself in a lonely hearts column, how would it read?


Hmm. Good one, Boff. How about:

Person of opposites is looking for her opposite number! I’m creative but logical, emotional but rational, introverted and extroverted all at the same time. I’m complicated – but who doesn’t like complicated, right? That just means I’ll keep you on your toes. 

Now, Boff – I have to confess that much of that lonely hearts answer might have been inspired by a Facebook personality test I did recently, which summed me up as ‘a person of many angles’. I’m not sure of the credentials of the psychologist behind this pronouncement, but I am sure they are eminently qualified. 

Ooooh I love Facebook quizzes, have you done the one which tells you which fruit you are?I came out as a pineapple *Boff beams proudly* "I must have missed that one" chuckles Louise. well, I think that's helped set the scene, so lets start from the beginning. As I mentioned you're Cardiff born and raised. What was it like growing up in Cardiff? I know you've mentioned before you were close to your granddad.


Growing up, I didn’t like Cardiff as much as I do now. There have been a lot of changes in 40 odd...cough...30 something years. Cardiff Bay wasn’t anything like the panoramic paradise you see today. Cardiff Docks and Bute Street wasn’t the kind of place you’d take a tourist. But look at it now! I loves the ‘Diff, as we say. 

Yes, my grandfather was larger than life. He’d lived in an Irish area near Cardiff Docks and had many colourful stories. He always wanted to write a novel but, while he never got around to that, he did write poems, some of which were very popular. He was a real people person. You would have liked him a lot, Boff!

He sounds like a true gentleman my darling, I do love a bit of prose and what about School? was that where you first found a love for writing? were you a model student or a bit of a rebel?


Ah, I knew there was a time when this interview would get serious. Eugh! School. I was a bit too creative for it, I think. I was always daydreaming, and yes, I was always praised for my writing and creativity but nobody ever suggested what specific careers I should be looking at and how to plot a course to one of them. There was a real disconnect. 

I was a quiet student until about 15 and then I rebelled, started smoking and drinking and refused to wear clothes or listen to music which wasn’t either from the 1960s or inspired by that decade. Yeah, man! I got switched on and dropped out. 

ha ha ha I wish I could have seen that, I was quite inspired by the 60s myself, although more by accident. When I was growing up we had all the hand-me-downs, I used to have a pair of flairs out to here *Boff motions with his arm about three foot from the table", "ah, distress flairs" says Louise. "Indeed, you could see me coming from a mile away, that and the fact you couldn't go out in high winds" *Boff sighs* anyway my love, then we come to boxing, what age did you get involved in that? and how for that matter?


I went to the Cardiff University gym in my early 20s and tried boxercise only to find out I naturally had a good punch and discovered that punching things hard is satisfying indeed.

I was curious to see how far I could take it and there were not many girls around so there was a lot of encouragement as the gyms looked for new opponents.

It was a miracle I got into the Welsh squad when it was created because I was too old. Right time, right place. That’s when I felt my purpose there was to write about it and document it all in a novel.  

I stopped sparring years ago because I was making more time for writing and if you don’t spar it all the time you’re more likely to get hurt. That said, I still go to a local gym and attend Mui Thai classes to keep fit. 

"You're quite good at punching things?!" *gulp* "I better stay on the right side of you" says Boff taking a big slurp of coffee, *Louise laughs out loud, before doing a boxing pose and theatrical wink* "Don't worry Boff, you're quite safe, like I said I don't spar much anymore", *this makes Boff laugh too*....and of course Boxing is a nobel sport governed by the Queensbury rules, but what was like on the inside? was it very competitive and did you find other female boxers supportive in a male dominated sport?


Amateur boxing is a great place. I found everyone very supportive. In the Welsh squad, all the female boxers were respectful of each other and fun to be around. It’s a hard sport in as much as it demands dedication and hard work to get to a decent level, so you always had a level of respect for anyone who steps in the ring.

In terms of being a noble sport, I can testify to that. Boxing gyms also are often in deprived communities and the trainers keep a paternal eye on their fighters. It’s very touching.

I met a man recently who used to run a boxing gym in the local area. He said he used to be in communication with the local schools. If there was a problem with one of his young boxers, he would do his best to sort it out. Before the gym closed, none of his boxers had been in prison. After his gym closed, three of his boxers ended up there within a matter of months.

In terms of being competitive, I knew I was a bit old and therefore I didn’t have a lot of future in the sport. I could just turn up to squad and enjoy it.  It was more competitive for the female boxers who were fighting internationally.

The Welsh squad trains at Sophia Gardens and a number of other sporting squads train there too, including the Women’s Welsh rugby team. I would not have liked to fight any of them. I’ll just say that!

Hahaha I bet and you also represented Wales as part of the Welsh female boxing team, what was that like? how did it make you feel? how did it come about?


Ah, not quite. My character in my first novel goes on to represent Wales but I didn’t. Being honest, keeping up the boxing training, the squad training, working full time and writing the book all got too much and I dropped out of the squad. I felt I had enough background on their international trips to make the story credible. 

ah yes, I can imagine it must have been very challenging juggling it all, which leads us neatly on to your first novel 'Fighting Pretty', how did that come about? and as a first time writer switching from one craft to another, was it an easy transition?


The writing actually came first. I’d always loved reading and writing but I’d put it on the backburner. However, having got into the Welsh Squad, I realised it would make a great story. I finally had something significant to write about. I had been mulling over the idea of writing a non-fiction book or a novel about boxing when one of my trainers unfortunately had a terrible accident. That was the catalyst. I said: “I’m writing it for him” but I wrote it for all the trainers at the gym too.

That was the first time I really took writing more seriously than just a hobby. I joined Cardiff Writers’ Circle and they gave some wonderful advice. I learned a lot from them. Boxing, I find Boff, is much easier and more forgiving than writing! Haha! 

It is certainly a labour of love, especially when you're terrible at spelling like me, thank god for Bill Gates and his wriggling red lines *Louise nearly chokes on her beer*. "Sorry Boff, that was quite a powerful image, warn me next time" laughs Louise. Hahaha, Okay, having read your second novel (Black River), which we'll come to in a moment, one thing that I was struck by was how rich and well developed the characters were. Do you have a particular process for how you go about selecting your characters? do you take from real people you've met along the way?


That’s really good to hear, Boff. They were purely imaginary, but by the time I’d written the book they were as real to me as you are. When it got rejected by the first couple of publishers I sent it to, I felt as though I were letting down my main character Harry, which is bonkers because he doesn’t exist.

A lot of writers fill out character sheets to develop character. I’ve done that a few times. And there are writing tasks such as writing a three page letter to yourself in the voice of your character. You always get something out of these exercises

Indeed, my main character is an older gentleman, large bushy beard and lolita specs, it's purely fictional you understand. So now we come to your second novel, Black River, based around the events of the Aberfan disaster. Was there a strong motivation for picking that particular story to tell?


This is where my character comes in. He was my main character from another novel about an area of Cardiff being demolished in the 1960s. However, Harry was not the kind of journalist who would have covered such stories or been interested in them. My character just wasn’t fitting the story. It wasn’t working at all.

However, Harry was exactly the kind of journalist who would have been writing about Aberfan. 

My writing about Aberfan was the result of a few random things coming together. Leveson was on the news a lot, my journalist character had nothing to write about and I came across a reference to press intrusion at Aberfan. I sent off for the Welsh Office papers at the National Archives and was amazed. My character Harry suddenly had plenty to write about.

I can imagine, it's not an issue that many of us think about from the outside, but I can imagine when something like that happens how the press handle it is critical. In terms of researching the story, I know you and have spoken about this before, but how was it for you as a personal journey from talking to the survivors, families, and those involved at the time through to publication of the book?


I interviewed every journalist who had been at Aberfan that I could find (getting drunk a lot in the process – these folk are old school). However, I didn’t interview the survivors at the time. I knew many were sick of being interviewed and found it intrusive. I kept a respectful distance.

However, after Black River was published I met some of the survivors at a conference on reporting tragedy at Cardiff School of Journalism and then it did take a real emotional toll on me. I was profoundly affected by their stories.

Indeed *both Boff and Louise pause for a moment at this point, the silence falling between them as they reflect on things. Louise looks out over the sun dancing on the water of Cardiff Bay, before politely smiling at Boff to go on*. *Boff lets out a nervous laugh* okay, we've gone quite heavy, perhaps we could break the mood with a different question. I know you're extremely proud of your roots and heritage. So perhaps I could ask, what's the most Welsh thing you've ever seen?


Ooh, I can’t think of one specific incident off the top of my head, but the most Welsh things (according to WalesOnline who regularly feature listicals letting us know) are (in order of importance) sheep high on cannabis, police chases on tractors and horses in supermarkets. However, being in central Cardiff I can’t say I’ve seen any of the pothead sheep myself. I don’t even know how you would tell. They always look a bit stoned anyway, don’t they? They’re not known for their IQ and lightning reactions. Sorry sheep. You are docile in a nice way.

hahah, pothead sheep oh dear, and what does the future hold for you? do you already have plans for the follow-up to Black River?


Maybe one day, but at the moment I’m working on a book set against the 1984 miners’ strikes. After that, I’m writing a book set in Hollywood and Wales – just to lighten the subject matter a tad. 

Hahaha keeping busy then, Okay, our interview is almost done, and just as I like to start with an ice-breaker I like to conclude with something daft, to leave you bemused and confused as is my way. So finally, if I could give you one super power what and why?


Considering I have a penchant for punching things, I think it would be very 1960s Batman if, when I hit something, a cartoony ‘BOFF’ could result as a tribute to your interviewing skills! 

"Oh gracious, now that would come in handy if those Dr Who fanatics come back", laughs Boff. "well it's been lovely spending the afternoon with you and getting to see the sights and sounds of this wonderful city" "You're very welcome, Boff" replies Louise waving to the waitress for the bill. Well my dear friends our interview is at close, I wonder where I'll end up next time...

Tuesday 8 August 2017

The Moatman Interviews -S6- No.1 "Bargain of the week" ft @Olafzwyzt

The cameras open on a cluttered office with a low polystyrene tiled ceiling. At one side of the room are large boxes stacked all the way to the ceiling with strange European names printed on them. Across the back of the room are a row of horizontal windows at shoulder height, letting in an artificial yellow light which streaks across the whole room; dust particles dancing in the air to the yellowy glow. Panning right from the boxes we first pass a water cooler with a picture of a duck on it, coming next to a desk covered in folders, pen holders, and other stationary. The camera pauses momentarily on a plastic duck-like creature which is perpetually bobbing back and forward to drink from a small clear bucket. The cameras continue their pan right coming to a faux mahogany veneered door with a large window in the upper half and what looks like a hole kicked into one corner at the bottom.

Sat bolt upright at the desk is today's guest. Our host has yet to arrive, but this doesn't deter our guest who's poised ready to respond, stopping momentarily to adjust his name badge and straighten his glasses. He looks over his shoulder out of the same set of horizontal windows, which reveals that the office is situated above a large supermarket, the tops of the aisles clearly visible, happy shoppers going up and down. He pauses a moment to enjoy the scene and then returns to face forward, tapping the duck-like creature on the head to make it bob faster, and drumming his fingers on the desk.

Finally at last our host comes blustering into the office, apologising for being late and complaining that the cryogenics haven't worn off yet. Yes, here he is, Boff Moatman. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he exclaims, "do you know it's been over a year since the last set of Moatman Interviews? when a series ends people think I go off on holiday sunning myself, but they can't take the risk at my age, I've spent the last 12 months in a freezer in Dagenham, I thought I might never see daylight again". "Ahem, sorry dear readers, so here we are a brand new series of the Moatman Interviews, new me, and new guest, and what better place to start. I'm here in Romford today, at the home of the UK's fastest rising premier supermarket chain. Yes, today's guest is none other than super-market manager and entrepreneur Olaf Zwyzt. *Olaf rises from the desk to give Boff a firm 'Macron' style handshake and welcome him to home of shopping at UK BIBL*. "oooh you're a strong one, do you work out?" "That doesn't count as an interview question, I haven't started yet".

Okay, so I like to start an interview by giving our readers a chance to get to know our guest. So I'd like to begin by asking you what your dreams were when you were a little boy? what did you want to be when you grew up?


As a little boy, I dreamed of being a superhero. My childhood hero was WonderMan, and my uncle, Typhus, would send me video tapes of WonderMan that he recorded from the TV in Estonia. I could just about work out what was going on from the little Estonian language that my mother taught me but his heroic adventures were an inspiration and I would act them out in our back garden wearing the trademark orange and green outfit that my mother made for me. I knew I could never actually BE WonderMan but I dreamed of being a role model that the younger generation could look up to and aspire to. I hope that in some small way, I have reached that goal and for some of my staff, I am a mentor and, dare I say? A hero.

"oh my dear friend" says Boff, "I'm sure that they do, the Herculean rise of BIBL has largely been by your own fair hands." It's been a fantastic and dramatic rise to fame but of course you're still a young man even now. So I'm sure my readers will be interested to know how did you manage to find yourself on these fair shores, staring up at the mighty shop front of UK BIBL?

I may not look it, but I am almost 23 years old. Many do not realise it but I was born and raised here in Romford, only a half mile from this very store. Did you see Specsavers as you turned into the car park? The road opposite there, number 58. My parents still live there. My mother is from Estonia and my father from Belarus. Neither of them has very good English. As my name and face are somewhat unusual, I was bullied a great deal at school, so my parents chose to home school me. The result of this was that I had very poor English and few job prospects. Fortunately, my uncle Typhus, is Head of International Expansion for BIBL and he gave me the opportunity to head up the team of the first BIBL store in the UK, right on my own doorstep. That was back when I was 20, and it seems like a lifetime ago now.

Ahhh yes, the heady summer days of 2014, when the clean bandits were blasting out their hit 'rather be', and Freddo frogs still cost just 20p. It seems so long ago now. You know a pint of beer back then only cost £3.50, I know, it's extortionate these days, how much does some hops and water cost for goodness sake. So perhaps if we could wind the clock back all the way to when it started on an early spring morning in 2014. Can you tell us what were those early days like? you've had a big hand in helping the store grow, did they listen to your shrewd business advice?


When we opened this store in 2014, BIBL was far from the household name that it is in several UK households today. In the early days, many of our customers were people who were killing time waiting for Halfords to open. But those people told their friends and family about us and many returned to show their friends, pointing at all of our great deals with such fantastic smiles on their faces. It gives me great pleasure to see people so enthused by our range of products. I think that’s the secret to our success: you simply can’t get the things we sell anywhere else. It is this uniqueness about BIBL that has allowed us to expand into the garden centre business in Trowbridge, opposite the biggest garden centre in the United Kingdom, and to open a second thriving BIBL store in Wakefield, next to Topps Tiles. I have been responsible for scouting out the locations here in the UK and I believe I have chosen locations within thriving towns and cities that people flock to from miles around. I enjoy a lot of autonomy though every decision is closely monitored by the senior management at BIBL HQ. 

I can well imagine, how do you go about explaining the majesty of a town like Wakefield to a tycoon exec sat in his shiny office gazing over his decaff at the mighty Pirita river as it empties into the bay at Tallinn. Now of course you didn't become store-manager overnight, I presume you had to work your way up? What's the worst job you've done while working for UK BIBL?

No, I actually did become store manager overnight, but in those early days I had to do all of the hard work myself, as my staff were as new as I was. So, I would regularly be found in the in-store bakery making bacon bread in our ovens. I am not afraid of hard work. I think the worst job at BIBL, which I had to do several times after Kevin left us and before we hired Dean, is collecting the trolleys. Some customers bring their own but those that don’t often take ours home with them and tracking them down can be a challenge, especially if you have to bring the trolley back on the bus.

Ah yes, I can sympathise there. There's a special kind of shame trying to take a shopping trolley on the bus, particularly if it's loaded with a week's shopping. Not that I have ever taken one of BIBL's trolleys home with me. I wouldn't do that sort of thing, but I, err, do have friends who have done something like that. I can also imagine rescuing the trolleys from the various rivers around Romford was a challenge. The handy BIBL sticky-back waders must have come in handy. But those days are behind you now, so as store manager, do you get to interact with the customers much? what do they make of the store?

While I do still spend many of my days in store, either here in Romford or at one of the other two sites, I am now the General Manager of BIBL, so I actually get more time to wander the shopfloor and thanks to my near celebrity status, I am often approached by customers who want to say hi or have their picture taken. I am always happy to help to so if someone is looking for sugar-free toilet descaler or a frisbee hook, I will always show them precisely where to find them. Our customers are very loyal and I am very loyal to my customers. People love the personal touch and I love to touch them personally.

Indeed, I have heard that actually. I think it's the main reason my friend big Bess shops at BIBL. She's not so clever on her legs anymore, but come rain or shine, every Thursday she gathers up her bags and heads directly for your place. Ahem, anyway, talking of Bess what's the strangest request you've had from a customer since you've become store manager?


When we launched the Bath Captain upright bathtub, I did a promotional stunt where I donned the Bath Captain hat and some swimming trunks and demonstrated the product in-store. One lady mistakenly thought that I was the Bath Captain and that I would be accompanying her home. She was not an unattractive lady but, as a professional retail manager, I could not satisfy her that day. 

Ah. That may have been Big Bess actually, I'm sorry about that Olaf, she lacks self-control. But what she lacks in self-restraint she makes up for with her range of cooking apparel. it's a long story, trust me. Ahem so of course BIBL is know for its many innovations. My personal favourite is Chinwank, which helps keep me fresh all day. But do you have a personal favourite?

I have seen hundreds of deals come through our doors and I am proud to have been able to bring a whole host of WonderMan films and merchandise to the UK market but I think my personal favourite product would have to be the karaoke rotisserie. It is the ultimate summer party accessory. Who doesn’t love kebabs and singing? 

I know for one that I do, so long as you keep my little companions away from the mike. They are known for the filthy language you know, even if you wouldn't expect it to look at them. Suffice to say that my Rick Astley CD is ruined. I can never listen to the Astley ever again, awful, just awful. Lets move on to another topic. BIBL is a rising star in the UK supermarket business but with your array of wonderful innovations the competition must be tough, how do you keep finding these wonderful items to stay ahead of the competition?

Trying to compete with other supermarkets is indeed a struggle and as I said earlier, it is our unique range of products that sets us apart. BIBL has a very large range of products in its catalogue and around 90% of them can be legally sold and imported into the UK. It is down to me to choose the products that I believe will sell well to the UK market. I also invite customers to suggest products that they would like to see on the shelf, and if I can source it, I will get it for them. Not many of our competitors would go to such lengths to please their customers.

Absolutely, I think its those personal touches that really set BIBL apart from the competition, but all the same that's a lot of work. It must be very stressful? How do you unwind after a day's work?

BIBL’s opening hours are 2am until midnight which can be a very long working day if you are on a full time contract. On the occasions that I get some time to myself, I like to put my feet up and watch the QVC channel. Some of the products they have on there are ludicrous!

Hahahaha well it does help to keep an eye on the competition I suppose. QVC aren't really in the same league, but it's good to know that you're always thinking about these things. So, then another point, as store manager, i'm sure your staff must look up to you as a (very young) father figure. How do you maintain morale with the staff? do you do much team building


Staff morale at BIBL is something I put a great deal of effort into. I like to think of us as one big family. Our Romford store manager, Felix, is the cousin of Birta on checkout 4 and my nephew, Sigmund, is married to Birta’s sister, Len, so in a way we are already one big family. It is still important to maintain a strong team spirit and to this end we hold an annual BIBL Survival week in the New Forest, where we are each given a compass, a map and a copy of the Jürgen Gurllz survival handbook (£4.64 with free antibacterial tongs) and have to make our way to the nearest hospital to meet with the rest of the team. Last year I was given a map of the Dordogne and still managed to make it to the hospital first. Dean was found two weeks later living with a tinker in Staines. It’s a really challenging time but it makes us really value the time we spend working with eachother. Dean is still in touch with the tinker, so it helps with our networking skills too.

Ah, the New Forest can be a treacherous place. When you find yourself stood outside Sandy Balls with only a sausage roll to your name, it can get pretty real, pretty fast, I can tell you sir!

So, Romford was just the start, BIBL stores are popping up all over the UK. what career advancement plans do you have? where will Olaf be in 5 years time?

I have dreams of expanding BIBL across the whole of the UK by 2025 and BIBL HQ are keen to see that happen too. They have some major concerns about import/export after Brexit but Dean’s dad says he knows a guy with a bread van and a friend on the customs team at Dover, so we might be okay. I would hope that in five years time, I will be in the role of BIBL European Local Liaison and Enhanced Network Developer overseeing the expansion of BIBL throughout European and the UK markets.

Wait, that acronym spells out, actually nevermind, well, our interview is almost at an end, but I couldn't come all this way without sampling the local culture. What are the best things to see and do in Romford while I'm here?

Obviously, you need to shop at BIBL but when you’re done there, maybe a trip to Rollerbowl. It’s a bowling and laserquest venue but they don’t allow rollerskates which is pretty confusing. Nice chips though.

Boff thanks Olaf for a wonderful interview and asks him if he can guide Boff to where the menthol variety of Chinwank is stored. As ever, our gentle host is more than happy to oblige and gets up from his desk. "Well dear friends, that's the first one over and done, but plenty more to come yet. stay tuned for more this time next week."