The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.5 Janine (@ThewriteSF)

*The cameras open on what looks like a home-made budget Blue Peter version of Doctor Who's Tardis fitted inside someone's living room. Wombles run this way and that trying to hastily assemble the remaining components while an elderly man in a red T-shirt wearing a Spock wig barks orders at them* "Hello! and welcome to the Sci-fi edition of the Moatman Interviews, this week coming to you from inside the very Tardis itself! This week's very special interviewee is a Sci-fi aficionado, writer and all-round Science honey, non other than Janine! from @TheWriteSF. When Janine arrives she's a little wary of the Wombles, peering around the doorway and looking into the Tardis. "Hello? is this safe" she asks before Uncle Bulgaria ushers her to a special seat opposite the main console. Putting down her bag and inspecting the Wombles handy work Janine asks "is that the back of a Weetabix packet", but before I can answer Orinoco arrives with a tray holding a glass of white wine, and after some further brief introductions we begin our interview. 

Thank you for joining us Janine, we already know you're a huge fan of science-fiction and reading, and we'll come to that shortly, but first of all, science is a big part of your life (Janine works in the biomedical sciences). Can you tell us what led you to a career in the sciences?
Well Boff, Like most things in life, I seem to just fall into them by accident and a career in science was no exception.

...and what words of advice would you offer any youngsters toying with an idea of following the science path? perhaps young students playing with a bunsen burner even as we speak?
I would say 'go for it' but avoid the biomedical sciences at all cost, unless you want a thankless career that you can disappear into (literally) and get forgotten about in the back end of a hospital somewhere.

At this point Boff reminisces about the time that he literally got lost at the back of a hospital and spent three hours wandering about trying to find the loo. In the finish he had to bribe a janitor with some hubba bubba and lewd magazine in order to be escorted back to the main concourse and by then he'd forgotten why he'd gone to the hospital in the first place.

anyway, that love of science translates into your love of science-fiction and particularly space, can you tell us which authors in particular have been an inspiration for you?
I got into reading sci-fi after I saw the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey and the very first book I picked up was Isaac Asimov's Foundation. There are so many great sci-fi authors out there but I think one of the most ground breaking was Philip K Dick.

I see and if you were to host a showbiz dinner party for five guests, who would you invite and why?
I would invite Prof. Brian Cox for his science chat, Bill Bailey to keep things light, Derren Brown to mess with their minds a bit, Sarah Millican to keep it all down to earth and of course Robert Downey Jnr for flirting with obviously.

That sounds like quite a shindig! Perhaps a daft question now, but who do you think would win in a fight between Gandalf the wizard, James T.Kirk and Darth Vader? and why?
Although it could be a fairly close run thing between Gandalf and Vader, I don't believe that either Kirk or Vader could bring down a Balrog of Morgoth. Gandalf is the true Victor.Perhaps a little off-topic now, do you think these green tights really suit me?
To be fair,red suits you better and they are a little on the small side.

*Boff goes bright red* while Uncle Bulgaria hastily hands him a cushion to place on his lap. In the confusion Orinoco who has been hiding down by Janine's side, climbs up onto her lap and snuggles in. Janine gives Orinoco a playful stroke of his ears and wraps her arms around him like holding a small child. Once the wardrobe has been adjusted Boff is able to continue with the interview.

Perhaps now we can probe a little deeper into your own writing aspirations; juggling work and family life with writing must be tough, do you have any particular preparations or techniques to help you settle into the writing?
Once I've finished banging my head against the wall a few times I manage to snatch a few minutes here and there between making a cup of coffee and making another cup of of coffee. Sometimes it's a cup of tea, just for variety.

Boff confesses that he likes a good cuppa himself, although once the sun is past the yardarm a nice glass of something cold is always very welcome. indeed, but it can't all be work, work, work, how do you like to unwind?
Well, I do enjoy a glass or six of a good medium dry white and if I can still focus on the words I get lost in a good book.

I can see Orinoco has taken something of a shine to you, would adopting a womble ever appeal to you?
*Janine pats Orinoco's tummy* I could never adopt a womble, as sweet as they are, my house would be too tidy and I'd be forever looking for the things that they'd find and put away.

*piano wheels into sight* Myself and the Wombles will be closing today's interview by serenading you with our own version of "star-trekking across the universe" and we hope you'll join in, but before that can you tell us about your own musical tastes? is there a particular song that's important to you? and if so why?
I have a wide preference in all types of music from classical to rock. It very much depends on my mood. At the moment I love The Imagine Dragons, especially their track Radioactive. I have no idea why, but I suspect it's something to do with the word 'apocalypse'. Definitely my word of the year.

Well Janine, it's been a lot of fun having you here today, I'd like to ask you one more question before we close if I may. In a galaxy far far away from our own Douglas Adam's is drinking cocktails with Alec Guinness and Isaac Asimov, if you could join them, what cocktail would you have and why?
What great company that would be to have cocktails with. I would probably make my own cocktail named 'The 42' containing 42 shots - because it would be the answer to everything and you definitely wouldn't give a toss what the question was after drinking it.

It's been great chatting to you Boff and I hope you invite me back soon but next time can I just sit in a chair? The homemade Tardis was a nice touch but it was certainly not bigger on the inside.
All the best, Janine

...and with that Bungo begins to play the piano while the Wombles and I perform our own version of the hit star trekking across the Universe with all the stage actions. Pebble Mill, eat your heart out!

The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.4 @Kaitlyn_Parr1

This week Boff has got himself dressed up in his best togs and looks akin to something you'd expect to find in a car insurance advert. As the camera pans in, Boff puts down his toby jug filled with a nice port and lemonade, "Hail! fellows! and welcome again to that corner of Wimbledon where the Wombles run free and the pensioners dress up fancy", "well I have at least". This week's showbiz twitter interviewee is a reality TV star and youtube hit sensation, just as her youtube channel says 'she's a star to be', yes this week is non-other than celeb TV babe Kaithlyn Parr. Before she arrives no one is quite sure what to expect and then with a whoosh this twirling whirlwind of hair and perfume is upon us. The first thing she asks is where 'make-up and wardrobe' are, which embarrassingly we have to admit we don't have. Fortunately Kaitlyn has brought a big bag of things with her and disappears into Orinoco's bedroom. After 3 hours she emerges looking just as glamorous as  when she went in. In fact she looks exactly the same as when she went in, it's not until I notice the first womble, and then the second that the penny drops. Kaitlyn explains that she likes to make the things around her beautiful to help channel her own inner beauty. She's even persuaded Bungo to put on blusher because men on telly wear make-up?!?

Once she's told me all of her most exciting gossip, we get her settled down and miked up so the interview can begin. It's clear that Kaitlyn is a whirling tornado of energy and noise, often breaking into song and telling me how excited and awesome the latest thing she's seen is. Thank you for joining us Kaitlyn and taking time out from your busy showbiz schedule, I'd like to begin by asking you what it's like to be part of the celebrity whirlwind, do you find the press intrusion difficult to balance?
To be honest, the press intrusion does get a bit much at times and it's almost impossible to go about my daily activity without someone attempting to harass me. Just the other day, I was in Morrison's when this fan comes up to me and says "hi, can I help you with anything?" I was like "can I not just get my pasties in peace?!". I gave him an autograph and he looked a bit confused-probably because he was overwhelmed by my presence.

Kaitlyn confides that she shops in Morrisons because she likes to stay grounded and close to her fan base, she also notes that the food is really healthy and that she's available to sing any songs for any future adverts, Indeed, and of cause staying in shape is important you look fantastic, do you have any top tips for staying in shape and maintaining a healthy diet?
Well I was on the poppy seed diet for a while where you have 2 poppy seeds three times a day and nothing else for a week. I don't recommend it, you probably will die. Other than that, if you want to be as light on the scales as me, get rid of any unnecessary excess weight. Eg- wear as little clothes as you can and get rid of anything extra you don't need such as your body hair-it'll only add unwanted pounds.

*Boff strokes his beard and looks a little worried before Kaitlyn reassures him that he looks okay.... for his age*  ...I see, and of cause you recently did an expose for 'Oi! Get over here Now! ya Mug!'  Magazine, in which you revealed your own personal struggles and hardships and why the X-Factor audition was the thing that helped save you. Was that a defining moment in your own career progression?
I've never heard of that magazine so they're probably writing lies about me. Typical, I'm used to it. Being shown on tele queuing up for X-factor in the opening bit of the show where everyone waves to the camera was definitely a turning point for me (Kaitlyn can be seen in the opening credits of the 2012 London auditions - the year James Arthur won). I think it was that moment when people thought "yeah, this girl's got talent. A lot of people commented on my wave. I've got a really good wave.

*kaitlyn shows off her wave to camera*  .....and of cause it's well known now about your brush with the Cowells which resulted in a phantom pregnancy (it turned out to be a pillow), What was it like being in the centre of that controversy? and did you receive any support from his Simoness?
Erm, it wasn't a pillow. It was a real baby but it was a very quick and easy pregnancy which lasted just over a week. As you can see on my YouTube channel, I went to Simon's house in an attempt to give him a chance to be involved in his child's life but he wanted nothing to do with it. He's offered no support. He was very happy to get me naked and tell me I was the sexiest and most talented girl he'd ever met in his entire life but once he'd knocked me up, he was gone. A selfish man.

Is it also true that you received an indecent offer from a well known BBC presenter to spend one night in Camden? and did you accept the offer?!
Which BBC presenter is this? You'll have to be more specific, I get too many offers to keep track of.

Can you tell us more about your tattoo's? you recently followed Justin Bieber's lead and got a 'Bank' tattoo'd on your arm in homage to street artist Banksy. What's your favourite tattoo and why?
I don't really know anything about my tattoos. I just got them because I thought they looked cool. That Justin Bieber inspired one I got was a mistake. I thought Justin got a tattoo of a Bank but he actually got a tattoo of a Banksy and now I'm stuck with a f*****g permanent stencil of Barclays on my forearm.

.... I see, and my researchers tell me that you're planning to launch a new line of clothing and beach-wear ready for the summer? Can you tell us more about what might be included in the Kaitlyn range?
I'm basically going to buy a ton of bikinis and summer clothes on the cheap from Ebay, stick my face and name all over them and then sell them for double the price. I'm just giving the people what they want.

Kaitlyn is quite the business lady and entrepreneur and takes time to tell me that she's following in the footsteps of other great women like Jordan and Jade Goody, although Kaitlyn feels that her own unique talents are probably more akin to Lisa Scott Lee from pop group Steps! she does however point out that she has a nicer bottom and is obviously a more talented singer. Which brings us to the other aspects of the multi-talented and versatile young lady who is famed for singing voice and cameos in several soap operas, particularly Emmerdale. I decide to broach the subject how she juggles business with her creative ambitions, Kaitlyn you're quite the young business woman but you haven't given up your singing and acting aspirations. Are there any exciting new roles in the line for you?
Of course not, I'll NEVER give up. You're going to be seeing plenty more of my talents. I'm great at everything so watch this space!

....I see, and you're not afraid to turn down the more  weighty roles either, is it true you're due to appear in Casualty as a woman who gets bitten by a shark?
It's the first I've heard but yes, I'd be willing to take on that role if it's on offer.

...That must be very exciting, coming back to music now, what do you think about the comparisons with Mariah Carey? some have even dubbed you the 'UK Mariah', do you think that's fair?
It's a bit of an extreme comparison to be honest. I think if you ask most people, they'll agree that I am quite a bit better than Mariah Carey.

...Well, thank you for joining us and giving us your time. One final question now, do you have a message you'd like to pass on to our readers? perhaps one for the boys?
I just want to say I love all my fans. Keep watching my vids and subscribing to my YouTube channel and if you know any managers or agents out there, give them my details. The world deserves to see Kaitlyn Parr! Xoxo

...and with that Kaitlyn does some quick air kisses before getting up to leave she's due to get a facial and full body tan before doing another interview with Andi Peters on Capital FM, such is the non-stop life style of the jet set. You can learn more about Kaitlyn on twitter and her own star youtube channel: 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZ42xE4cHbZj-6bpLn4Dp3g

The Moatman Interviews -S1 - No.3 Rachel Webb (@Webbpaganfinger)

*the camera pans over a stark looking room, almost empty save for the basic furniture, and rests on what looks like an elderly bearded version of Jason Donovan crossed with Count Dracula* *In a crackly voice* Hullo my dear Boys and Ghouls, it's time for another one of my interviews with an eccentric member of the twitter community *owl hoots*. When the wombles learned of my very special guest this evening they all booked tickets for a show in the west end. Only Bungo, who considers himself something of a hard man decided to stick around. My guest this everything is something of a twitter enigma, hiding behind a thick layer of grease paint, no one knows much about her beyond her wicked grin and love of the arcane. Yes, tonight's twitter guest is the rather alluring, captivating and down right glamourous Rachel Webb. Our interview is due to start at dusk as Rachel says natural daylight hurts her sensitive skin, but as dusk approaches and then passes, there's no sign of her. As darkness sets over the land and the moon shines bright in the sky, still no Rachel. Bungo and I are about to give up and go watch Only Fools and Horses when something happens. The lights flicker, a little at first, and then rapidly into a blinking frenzy. In the distance a clanking sound of metal on concrete can be heard until the lights go out all together and the room goes deathly cold. Then *ping* the lights come back on and Rachel is sat before us eyeing us keenly. Bungo lets out a shriek like Joe Pasquale hitting his thumb with a hammer and the interview is on!!

Trembling a little at her fierce gaze, I swallow hard and begin the interview. I think it's fair to say you're something of a unique personality on twitter with a distinct visual look, where do you get your ideas for your outfits?
Hi Boff...so nice to be here on your blog. My style is a mixture of influences, I love the psychotic clown look, and the makeup hides my crazy I think? Oh and that Steam Punk and Grunge thing is right up my street. I don’t mind if people copy my look...it’s flattering *honks nose and drops pants theatrically*

*bungo shrieks again and clutches himself before running behind my chair* That's an unusual tattoo you have across your thighs...very...errr...artistic, and talking of art ...you're also a budding artist yourself, who would you consider inspires you most in the art world? Francis Bacon perhaps or Stephen King?  
Life without art would be unbearable, Bacon and King are both masters of their arts and I admire their darkness. I want an artist to rip out their hearts and show me the depths of their psyche...that’s what makes amazing art..bare your fucking demons..I love them. I'm also a great fan of street art and grafitti..politcal subversion and the voice of the people..get out there and spray paint, be fucking world..public art for the people not locked away in collections and museums. Obviously Dali and his melted, surreal dreams on canvas are a favourite. My own art is kept in a locked box at the bottom of a well because it contains all my demons *picks blood from teeth with sharpened chicken bone I might send you one though Boff...for your bedroom wall

That's very sweet of you, coming back to the topic of blood...my researchers say that you like to bathe in blood and have been known to use a leg bone as a loofa? is that really true? and if so does it really deep cleanse the pores?

I bathe in blood and drip dry so it sticks in my pores..when it cracks and dries it tightens the skin...the leg bone loofah was a post mortem gift from an old flame...*winks and licks lips...i also brush my teeth with blood...it feeds the plaque.

At this point I am ashamed to say I also shriek like Joe Pasquale and disappear behind the chair, this is a first conducting an interview from behind a chair. So errr anyway, ..my researchers also say that you sometimes like to walk the tube at night humming sad tunes, have you had a lot of pain in your life?  

I was born in a mental institution and Daddy died of shock when he saw me claw my way out of Mummy’s birth canal..she had to go to her padded cell forever and I was thrown out of the window. I was found and raised by a pack of feral clowns who roamed the grounds ..*wipes tear from eye with hand..make up smears.. so yes Boff..I know pain..as I wander those dark lonely tube train tunnels i listen to sorrowful Mariachi music...those trumpets! If you see me perhaps you could donate some blood to keep the cold out (of me) 

....I see, so Halloween then, is that a time of celebration or sorrow for you?

Halloween is a special religious event for us schizophrenic clowns...i celebrate by being sorrowful with my adopted clown family. We sing Leonard Cohen songs all night. *lifts leg and lets large fart rip...sound of laughter and coughing. Cor Blimey...excuse me...a raw meat diet really makes me bloat.

*a cloud of green smoke lingers in the air through which Rachel seems thoroughly pleased with that last effort* water! give me water oh dear, ahem, how unprofessional of me. Returning to my chair at front of house again, we try to continue the interview without mentioning the lingering stench. ...and of cause you're also a devout pagan, is that an important part of your creative process? I notice you've made this cute figurine out of wicker is that meant to be me?

Honestly I think Pagans are a bit soppy really..I’ve toyed with them but I’ve moved on...of course i still do magic and I'm brilliant at the little dollies...they are so lifelike *waves Boffdoll in the air. I needed extra wicker for your genitals Boff...impressive.

*Turns bright red* Well, you know, err, ..I know it's probably still pretty raw, but can you tell us about the fall-out you had with the Blair Witch? did you really gouge her in the eye and slap her boyfriend at a drunken award ceremony? 

That fucking bitch better stay the fuck away from me...those shitty movies made her famous but she cant even do a card trick let alone any spells..the kiddies she "killed" were all nicked from my basement by her lousy boyfriend..I hate them and I’m writing an expose on her called.."Blair Witch...Lying Bitch" I’m looking for a publisher.

The falling out between The Blair Witch and Rachel is well documented, with several tabloid exposes in recent weeks and general mud slinging, well, entrails, well, red spattered, ahem. I digress, suffice to say the tension is hardly surprising. .my notes say that you once ate a man's liver with a nice chianti, is home cooking something that's important to you? and would you consider authoring a cook book?  

Cooking is one of my skills I learnt as a child..the roadkill and human flesh we feasted on was often rotten..that’s when the value of herbs and spices really shows. I guess I could write a good roadkill cookbook...the liver and chianti is divine..sear the liver lightly so the middle is bloody..you’re welcome for dinner anytime by the way *runs tongue along cleaver blade.

...I see, so you're quite the home-maker then, I think that's something most people didn't realise. What do you consider the most important aspect of getting the balance right for interior decorating?

I’m heavily into the asylum look and padded walls with blood splashes...I like a few demonic symbols around too to liven up the corners...of course the lighting must be 40 watts or less and if you want to get sexy I have an old dentist’s chair for a bed..loads of places for handcuffs and my sexual instruments. The rule of decorating is keep it dirty and keep it psycho baby..
*shimmies boobs and shakes booty

well, so you do have a feminine girlie side, that's nice. I have say this has been one of the weirdest, most terrifying and at the same time electrifying experiences in a long long while. In short I must say How delightful it has been having you pay us a visit, thank you for joining us and shedding some light on your world. One final question then, where do you see yourself five years from now? and will I still be around then?

..Well Boff I hope in five years I will have a few more demons in my head...maybe I will release some of my own artwork into the world and see what havoc and chaos they inspire..as for you..well I keep pieces of all my victims so I could guarantee some part of you will exist in five years. I’ve really enjoyed our little chat and I’m hoping you’re going to call round soon.. *blows blood scented kiss and bows low...little hat falls off.. see ya Boff

With the interview at a close both Bungo and myself are terrified to see what will happen next. Rachel reaches deep into her pocket and slowly, inch by inch, pulls out a huge blood stained knife. Bungo faints on the spot, while I watch her place the blade on the side before retrieving a balloon from her pocket. She blows up the balloon and stops before blowing a kiss and then 'POP' she burst the balloon with the knife, and both the balloon and the woman are gone. The only sign that she's even been here at all is the remains of the rubber on the floor. 

The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.2 The Reverend (@Ironhip1)

Hello my darlings, it's me, Boff Moatman here with another of my celebrity twitter interviews. Today's guest to Wimbledon Common is a raconteur, Do or die action man, and all round lovely chap. yes, The Reverend or as the kids on the street call him @Ironhip1. The Rev and I have known each other for many years but when he arrives at the Common I decide to help us relax and warm up we should recreate the wrestling scene from 'women in love'. While the Rev isn't troubled by nude male wrestling he thought we should spare the wombles blushes, so we slipped into our cossies and went a few rounds. The Rev is surprisingly limber and agile, and soon had me pinned in a crab for the three count. After our wrestling session we catch our breath with a refreshing glass of dandelion and burdock and a bag of frazzles each on the lawn before retiring to the conservatory for our interview. The Rev ever the gent insists on giving each of the wombles a sherbet fountain each before we get to the weighty topics of the day.

Reverend, as a local country vicar you must have seen your fair share of scandal, do you have any juicy stories to tell us?
Well boffy, juicy is a very apt word you see, a few years back, I was walking though my cider orchard, keeping an eye out for urchins and scrumpers and such like, when I happened across some muted cries of ecstasy coming from behind the apple press. My interest piqued, I examined this subtle cacophony, only to discover my gardner, Stump, playing strip suduko with my housekeeper Mrs Gusset! Both as naked as cupid and as drunk as sailors. The scandal rocked the W.I. and the turnip society for months. Unfortunately the cider house had to go to pay for Mrs Gussets divorce settlement. I barely survived the inquisition.

How dreadfully awful and of cause you were close friends with both of them, that must have put you in a terrible position? *The Rev nods ruefully* The Rev now a respected vicar for many years came to the priesthood later in life, first having an active career as an anthropologist digging up various artifacts in far flung countries. I'm keen to know more about the Reverend before his life at the seminary. So then Rev,my researchers tell me before becoming a priest you were something of a tearaway yourself, did you get into many scrapes?

Unfortunately My early days were interspersed with my collar being felt by teachers and the boys and girls in blue. Nothing too serious you must understand, rather high spirited and mischievous pig wrestling and piracy on the boating lake at the manor. That is where I met the current Mrs Rev. I stormed her punt and took her hostage. I demanded 10 sherbet fountains, a jet and jelly for tea. Unfortunately Mrs Revs father was having none of it and told me to keep her as she scared the horses.

I see and is it true you once crossed the Moroccan border in a Morris Minor, with a pocket full of cut diamonds and an ape as your co-pilot? that must have been scary?
Blimey, your researchers are very good. Mi6 Still have those files tucked away somewhere. Yes that is true, the diamonds were a payment from my involvement in orchestrating a military coup in Chiswick and the overthrow of the despot fat George who ran the local roller disco. The monkey ( referred henceforth as agent flea) accompanied me as he was fluent in Morracan, Sudanese and cockney. Flea unfortunately stole the diamonds and is now to be found in Montego Bay with the PG tips chimps and Robbie Coltraine.

You had quite the dare devil lifestyle, but then you found god and chose the priesthood, where exactly did you find him?
Good question and one I often get asked. I found the lord at the bottom of a bottle. The miracle happened whilst I was partying hard in Rhyl and whilst downing my third bottle of blue nun, I nearly choked on a dog collar that the Nuns must have slipped in during the fermentation process. Never one to miss an opportunity, I popped it on, blagged my way into St Mary of the glare Vicar school and after a wimple or two found myself here at the Mansion house, lord of all I survey. Perfik

Indeed! and my researchers also tell me that you may have been part of a covert underground tactical squad, going by the name big daddy hannibal?? do you still have crime fighting desires?
Well, I don't like to talk about my glory days in the royal auxiliary balloon corps but you are right. I worked alot under cover. Mainly as a one legged bavarian milk maid called Bernard. I no longer harbour desires to fight crime, as Mrs Rev tells me that slip on shoes with socks and shorts Do not inspire confidence amongst the public or indeed His honor Judge Fister. Sad really

There's a sad rueful look on the Rev's face after that last question, clearly daring do is still in the chap's heart even now after hanging up his fedora and bullwhip. So Instead I decide to change the topic to something else I know the Reverend holds dear to his heart. Now Rev like all good vicars you produce your own alcohol up at the vicarage. Apparently the home brewed puchine you made went with quite a bang at the village fair?
Oh yes, we produce not only Cider but our own version of jagermeister. The ladies of the choir thought it was a throat loosening tonic, and polished off 6 bottles before the error was realised. To everyones horror, they ended up dressed as the rocky horror cast and belted out smack my bitch up and the sex pistols god save the queen. The parish council had to convene to establish a cover up. Disastrous.

....and you regularly attend the summer fetes at Crinkly Bottom. Have you ever met Noel Edmonds and what did you think of him?

Mr Edmunds is a lovely fellow, bit short for my liking and his hair appears to have been donated by some badger with a Peter stringfellow fixation, but he donates well to the retired vergers home and helps lining the slurry pits when a storm is due. 13 toes you know!

... is it true you challenged Mr Blobby to an arm wrestling contest as a matter of honour?

That blobby swine. Honor my backside! That cad blind sided me and goosed Mrs Rev in the undercroft! It is all I could do not to let my security guard Burt (87) from giving his hide a tanning! The arm wrestling was a showpiece and I beat the bounder fair and square... although Mrs Rev did have a toasting fork pressed against his nadgers under the table.

Delightful stuff! I'm sure he had it coming, now one more thing Sir, your street name is Ironhip? is that reference to your ill-fated sporting career?
Unfortunately Yes my friend. Captained the knockers 15 rugby team, in the loose bottom finals Northern division. Went on to Ski for the Cheddar Gorge sliders, reaching the world cup ski off in Lincolnshire. Bit flat there, so I invented butter shoes, down the Marks and Spensers escalator. It went down hill from there and I busted my hip whilst colliding with the eyeliner and facial stalls, very messy, but I looked fabulous in A+E.

Finally Rev, we'd like to know what's in store for you next? presumably you have a busy summer calendar lined up?
This summer will be filled with fêtes, marriages and re-roofing the porsch... Ahem I mean the church roof. I am also involved in establishing a new world order where brown sauce is compulsory on saussage sandwiches, and men must wear hats and doff them gallantly to passers by. Oh and of course anyone who wears their trousers half way down their backsides are to be immediately taken to scotland and introduced to Kilts and a biting North wind.

Thank you Reverend, that's brilliant. Well as another interview draws to a close the Reverend very kindly invites me to sample a crate of his homemade scrumpy and a game of backgammon that lasts until the wee small hours. The Reverend when not attending church can be found on twitter under his street name @ironhip1 teaching morals to the local street punks.