The Moatman Interviews -S1 - No.3 Rachel Webb (@Webbpaganfinger)

*the camera pans over a stark looking room, almost empty save for the basic furniture, and rests on what looks like an elderly bearded version of Jason Donovan crossed with Count Dracula* *In a crackly voice* Hullo my dear Boys and Ghouls, it's time for another one of my interviews with an eccentric member of the twitter community *owl hoots*. When the wombles learned of my very special guest this evening they all booked tickets for a show in the west end. Only Bungo, who considers himself something of a hard man decided to stick around. My guest this everything is something of a twitter enigma, hiding behind a thick layer of grease paint, no one knows much about her beyond her wicked grin and love of the arcane. Yes, tonight's twitter guest is the rather alluring, captivating and down right glamourous Rachel Webb. Our interview is due to start at dusk as Rachel says natural daylight hurts her sensitive skin, but as dusk approaches and then passes, there's no sign of her. As darkness sets over the land and the moon shines bright in the sky, still no Rachel. Bungo and I are about to give up and go watch Only Fools and Horses when something happens. The lights flicker, a little at first, and then rapidly into a blinking frenzy. In the distance a clanking sound of metal on concrete can be heard until the lights go out all together and the room goes deathly cold. Then *ping* the lights come back on and Rachel is sat before us eyeing us keenly. Bungo lets out a shriek like Joe Pasquale hitting his thumb with a hammer and the interview is on!!

Trembling a little at her fierce gaze, I swallow hard and begin the interview. I think it's fair to say you're something of a unique personality on twitter with a distinct visual look, where do you get your ideas for your outfits?
Hi Boff...so nice to be here on your blog. My style is a mixture of influences, I love the psychotic clown look, and the makeup hides my crazy I think? Oh and that Steam Punk and Grunge thing is right up my street. I don’t mind if people copy my look...it’s flattering *honks nose and drops pants theatrically*

*bungo shrieks again and clutches himself before running behind my chair* That's an unusual tattoo you have across your thighs...very...errr...artistic, and talking of art ...you're also a budding artist yourself, who would you consider inspires you most in the art world? Francis Bacon perhaps or Stephen King?  
Life without art would be unbearable, Bacon and King are both masters of their arts and I admire their darkness. I want an artist to rip out their hearts and show me the depths of their psyche...that’s what makes amazing art..bare your fucking demons..I love them. I'm also a great fan of street art and grafitti..politcal subversion and the voice of the people..get out there and spray paint, be fucking world..public art for the people not locked away in collections and museums. Obviously Dali and his melted, surreal dreams on canvas are a favourite. My own art is kept in a locked box at the bottom of a well because it contains all my demons *picks blood from teeth with sharpened chicken bone I might send you one though Boff...for your bedroom wall

That's very sweet of you, coming back to the topic of blood...my researchers say that you like to bathe in blood and have been known to use a leg bone as a loofa? is that really true? and if so does it really deep cleanse the pores?

I bathe in blood and drip dry so it sticks in my pores..when it cracks and dries it tightens the skin...the leg bone loofah was a post mortem gift from an old flame...*winks and licks lips...i also brush my teeth with blood...it feeds the plaque.

At this point I am ashamed to say I also shriek like Joe Pasquale and disappear behind the chair, this is a first conducting an interview from behind a chair. So errr anyway, ..my researchers also say that you sometimes like to walk the tube at night humming sad tunes, have you had a lot of pain in your life?  

I was born in a mental institution and Daddy died of shock when he saw me claw my way out of Mummy’s birth canal..she had to go to her padded cell forever and I was thrown out of the window. I was found and raised by a pack of feral clowns who roamed the grounds ..*wipes tear from eye with hand..make up smears.. so yes Boff..I know pain..as I wander those dark lonely tube train tunnels i listen to sorrowful Mariachi music...those trumpets! If you see me perhaps you could donate some blood to keep the cold out (of me) 

....I see, so Halloween then, is that a time of celebration or sorrow for you?

Halloween is a special religious event for us schizophrenic clowns...i celebrate by being sorrowful with my adopted clown family. We sing Leonard Cohen songs all night. *lifts leg and lets large fart rip...sound of laughter and coughing. Cor Blimey...excuse me...a raw meat diet really makes me bloat.

*a cloud of green smoke lingers in the air through which Rachel seems thoroughly pleased with that last effort* water! give me water oh dear, ahem, how unprofessional of me. Returning to my chair at front of house again, we try to continue the interview without mentioning the lingering stench. ...and of cause you're also a devout pagan, is that an important part of your creative process? I notice you've made this cute figurine out of wicker is that meant to be me?

Honestly I think Pagans are a bit soppy really..I’ve toyed with them but I’ve moved on...of course i still do magic and I'm brilliant at the little dollies...they are so lifelike *waves Boffdoll in the air. I needed extra wicker for your genitals Boff...impressive.

*Turns bright red* Well, you know, err, ..I know it's probably still pretty raw, but can you tell us about the fall-out you had with the Blair Witch? did you really gouge her in the eye and slap her boyfriend at a drunken award ceremony? 

That fucking bitch better stay the fuck away from me...those shitty movies made her famous but she cant even do a card trick let alone any spells..the kiddies she "killed" were all nicked from my basement by her lousy boyfriend..I hate them and I’m writing an expose on her called.."Blair Witch...Lying Bitch" I’m looking for a publisher.

The falling out between The Blair Witch and Rachel is well documented, with several tabloid exposes in recent weeks and general mud slinging, well, entrails, well, red spattered, ahem. I digress, suffice to say the tension is hardly surprising. .my notes say that you once ate a man's liver with a nice chianti, is home cooking something that's important to you? and would you consider authoring a cook book?  

Cooking is one of my skills I learnt as a child..the roadkill and human flesh we feasted on was often rotten..that’s when the value of herbs and spices really shows. I guess I could write a good roadkill cookbook...the liver and chianti is divine..sear the liver lightly so the middle is bloody..you’re welcome for dinner anytime by the way *runs tongue along cleaver blade.

...I see, so you're quite the home-maker then, I think that's something most people didn't realise. What do you consider the most important aspect of getting the balance right for interior decorating?

I’m heavily into the asylum look and padded walls with blood splashes...I like a few demonic symbols around too to liven up the corners...of course the lighting must be 40 watts or less and if you want to get sexy I have an old dentist’s chair for a bed..loads of places for handcuffs and my sexual instruments. The rule of decorating is keep it dirty and keep it psycho baby..
*shimmies boobs and shakes booty

well, so you do have a feminine girlie side, that's nice. I have say this has been one of the weirdest, most terrifying and at the same time electrifying experiences in a long long while. In short I must say How delightful it has been having you pay us a visit, thank you for joining us and shedding some light on your world. One final question then, where do you see yourself five years from now? and will I still be around then?

..Well Boff I hope in five years I will have a few more demons in my head...maybe I will release some of my own artwork into the world and see what havoc and chaos they inspire..as for you..well I keep pieces of all my victims so I could guarantee some part of you will exist in five years. I’ve really enjoyed our little chat and I’m hoping you’re going to call round soon.. *blows blood scented kiss and bows low...little hat falls off.. see ya Boff

With the interview at a close both Bungo and myself are terrified to see what will happen next. Rachel reaches deep into her pocket and slowly, inch by inch, pulls out a huge blood stained knife. Bungo faints on the spot, while I watch her place the blade on the side before retrieving a balloon from her pocket. She blows up the balloon and stops before blowing a kiss and then 'POP' she burst the balloon with the knife, and both the balloon and the woman are gone. The only sign that she's even been here at all is the remains of the rubber on the floor.