Sunday 16 October 2016

An evening with Boff Moatman - Part 2 (of 2)

The cameras open on a glitzy TV studio as the audience are slowly returning to their seats holding glasses of beer and wine. Down by the Floor manager @SwearyJesus can be seen complaining about the cigar smoke up in the executive boxes. While up in executive seats Commissar Ralph (@imcousinralph) can be seen laughing heartedly and slapping @_KirkSutherland on the back about some private joke. On the centre stage, Boff and Sweaty are deep in conversation, sipping cocktails and making hand gestures about some past transgression which without explanation doesn’t give much away. As the crowd hushes down and gets settled, Sweary rises from his seat walking to the centre with a microphone in paw to welcome the audience back.


Hello! Hello! And welcome back, no your eyes don’t deceive you, I am a dog in a dinner suit sat next to what looks like Santa in his tweed civvies, on a maroon leather couch that looks like it was stolen from the set of Twin peaks. This is what light entertain has come down to people, and I ask you *adopts Russel Crowe voice* are you not entertained!! Welcome back to an evening with Boff Moatman, I’m honoured to be your host as we gently probe through the moist parts of Boff’s cerebral cortex. Before the break we heard about how Boff and I met, and got to the meaty topics like what would Boff name a pigeon, and how he likes to impose himself on French people. So If you’re reading this you’ve clearly come back for more of the same. Good.

Now before the break we heard from Auntie Em who wanted to know what a Womble actually is, but you haven’t heard yet about when I first met them. I remember the first time I came to Maison de Moatman and I was met by the suspicious noses of Great Uncle Bulgaria and Bungo, maybe it was my Lynx Java or the remains of bolognese matted into my chest hair but they were not happy of my presence at all, as we quietly sipped sherry I noticed Bungo's record collection and was instantly drawn to a mint 12" remix of The Locomotion by Kylie, his eyes lit up at my approval and he placed it eagerly on the Matsui and whacked it up to ten. That night we danced and drank till sunrise, they both still greet me with the same suspicion all these years later but once Boff puts his gold Spinning Around hot pants on and the twister comes out we know we've got another party.

Oh Jesus! (Sweary Jesus looks up from his phone in the executive box), sorry Sweary, that must be an occupational hazard for you. I’d forgotten all about Bungo’s “Kylie Phase”, he’s usually a drum n bass kind of guy, which drives me up the wall, literally, he has the bedroom next to me. But I remember the first time he saw Kylie on neighbours and a little bit of drool ran down his chin. When the music video for ‘locomotion’ came out, he taped it and watched it so many times that he broke the VCR. The others were not happy. But even now, if I need him to mellow out all I have to do is don a pair of gold hot pants and wiggle about to some Kylie and he goes off to dreamy land. It’s quite hypnotic really. *Boff laughs as he remembers the moment*, cause I also remember those silver hot pants you got so you could join…. *Sweaty nervously laughs* “Ahhh what a great time we had Boff, Club Tropicana, and 2lt bottles of Lilt for 80p”.

Okay, anyway, enough of us, as you know we’re big on audience participation here, so now it’s time for a few more questions from our guest audience, Kachela (@KachelaMurray) has been patiently waiting to ask you a hypothetical question”

The camera cuts to the third row in the centre block where Mr and Mrs Murray are enjoying a few cheeky alcohol beverages. Hello Boff! It’s lovely to be here, I hope you’re enjoying this too, so I have a hypothetical question for you, ahem, ‘Linda, the chief fish fryer from the local chippy has been giving you the glad eye for months, she’s just swiped right on your tinder profile, so where will you be taking her and what would you do to cement her affections?

Hello my darling! So lovely to see you and Mr Murray, well, that’s quite a question. I could of cause quote Swiss Tony from the Fast Show and tell you that making love to a beautiful woman is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, *laughs* I’m only kidding my dear. No, I think if you’re getting to know someone new, particularly if it’s the opposite sex in a dating situation it’s important to ensure that’s it’s fun, with a hint of danger, the opportunity for close encounters and also the opportunity for space to relax and get to know your new beau. So I think I would probably take ‘Linda’ on a date to the local indoor kids’ playhouse, so we could have a go on all the equipment, that would be pretty fun, and after we’d exhausted ourselves, I’d take her for a romantic dinner at somewhere special like Harvester or a Beef-eater, I think after that things would go pretty well I expect.

The camera now moves down the row where in an end seat Tabitha Stirling (@Volequeen) is waiting, dressed glamorously in her best clobber, a glass of chilled wine in her hand. “Hello Boff! I must admit I wasn’t sure whether to get an executive box, but I can see you so much better from here, you’re looking very slim this evening if you don’t mind me saying”, says the Vole Queen. “Now, you already know of my somewhat dangerous background, a girl’s always got to be prepared in my line of work, so I wanted to ask, ‘If you were an assassin tasked to protect me, what would be your weapon of choice and why?’ 

Hello my darling! You look gorgeous as always, and thank you for your kind words *Boff and Sweaty compare girdles* - Sweaty comments that his came endorsed by William Shatner, if it’s good enough for the Shat, it’s good enough for me says Sweaty. Boff replies that he gets all of his girdles from Miss Selfridge, price competitive and pretty in pink. Anyway! Coming back to your question, I would have to say a French baguette, but not just any French baguette, it would have to be one covered in pre-sharpened sesame seeds, attached with a free range egg yolk. I don’t know if you’ve ever got bread crumbs from a French baguette in your eyes, but I can tell you it’s extremely sore. This is not the kind of weapon you would entrust to an amateur I can tell you my dear. *Sweaty nods, adding that bread is dangerous stuff, especially if you have wheat allergies”.

The camera now swings down to the front left segment, where Janine (@ThewriteSF) is sat holding a signed photo of one specific Womble. “Hello Boff! I hope you’re enjoying your time on stage, I wanted to say since our interview (it has almost been 2 years), I keep receiving these gifts in the post, I’m very flattered but I don’t think a human ~ womble relationship would work, could you let him down gently for me, oh and if you were an icecream flavour, what would you be and why?

Hello my darling! May I just say you’re looking radiant this evening and I can easily see why my young chap was so enamoured, but bless you, I’ll talk to him. As for your question, wow, I think if I were a flavour of ice cream I’d probably be marmite. I’m definitely a marmite kind of guy, some people love me and desperately want to smear me over everything, including themselves. Others can’t stand me, and lets be fair marmite flavoured ice cream would definitely be on the special menu, I could argue like other rogues of my generation, that I’m a product of my society, but that sounds like a load of old balls, I prefer to say I am Boff. Love me, hate me, but you’ll never forget me!

*Janine blushes* You are certainly that! And thank you!

The camera now swing back into the right-hand side of the audience where in the middle is sat our dear Reverend (@Ironhip1), “Hello Boff, it’s good to see you again my old mate, you’re looking well under the hot studio lights. I’m going to follow Kachela’s style and ask you a hypothetical question if that’s okay. So, it’s said that if you gave a hundred chimpanzees a hundred typewriters, that in enough time they would write the full works of Shakespear, so I wanted to ask if you had a 100 chimps, what would you like them to write and why?”

“Ah Reverend! Come and get some bro love” exclaims Boff, beckoning the Rev down to the stage. The Reverend comes up on stage hugging Sweaty and Boff, before joining Boff on the Maroon couch. “It’s quite soft this couch, I’m slowly sinking into the thing” explains Boff. Well, in terms of your question, I think there’s so many good books out there that could be given a Simian twist. Although I’d love to see what would happen if you asked the 100 chimps to re-write the script for the ‘Rise of the planet of the apes’, would they have a better insight to the chimp mindset, I bet you they would. But you were asking about books weren’t you, so if we’re sticking to literature, I’d have to go with ‘Dracula’, I would love to see how the 100 chimps would re-write Dracula with a Chimp-based vampire novel, I bet you it would be brilliant. Hahahha

Sweaty, Ironhip and Boff, laugh and exchange comments, before Ironhip hugs Sweaty and Boff and leaves the stage to return to his seat in the audience. “Oh, this is quite emotionally really, isn’t it Sweaty, such a lovely bunch of people’ says Boff. “Okay mate, now, lets get back to our story, there’s one topic yet that we haven’t broached….

A question Boff gets asked a lot is what does he do for a living, I'm sworn to secrecy but what I can say is his name is Moatman...Boff Moatman, I can't say any more than that but let's just say he likes his Lambrini shaken not stirred. I swore I'd never talk about his ejector seat on his moped or his luxurious canoe docked at Cannes, as one of his closest friends I can't talk about his Nissan Almera that turns into a boat or about the fat Chinese bloke who keeps trying to kill him with his hat. Let's just leave it at that eh!

Oh Sweaty! You promised you wouldn’t tell *laughs Boff*, well as a man approaching the winter of my life, much like the Game of Thrones, I’m more semi-retired these days. When I was a younger man with the energy of say a young Austin Powers or possibly David Bellamy, I could whizz round town on my motorbike complete with side car, like some kind of Cockney Rebel. I’d give that young Roger Moore a run for his money. I’ve not got where I am today without wrestling with a few under world crime bosses in seedy backstreet kitchens, and I don’t mean coming face to face with Mr Oliver’s turkey twizzler either.

*Sweaty Laughs* “For Queen and Country eh Boff, So, with that out of the bag, how about a last few questions from our audience members who haven’t had a chance to speak yet”. “Lets begin with Your demon (@yourdemon1). The Camera pans upwards towards the back of the centre block were surrounded by empty seats sits our femme fatale, a bloody axe resting in the seat next to her. “How did you get that axe past security?” asks Sweaty. Your Demon just smiles wryly, and almost at a whisper replies “what security?”. “Ahhh Mr.Moatman, I’ve been watching you closely, much more closely than you know, you look cute when you’re sleeping” continues Your Demon, before breaking wind. “I love the dark side of life Boff, tell me one of your nightmares, what makes the Moatman blood run cold, what scares you the most of all?”

Ahhh, you are a scamp my darling, in terms of what scares me, spiders obviously, confined spaces, heights, being trapped in a glass-bottomed lift with spiders over a cliff wouldn’t be great. But I think if we’re going to analyse fear, and I think that’s what you’re asking, we need to really dig deep into the psychology of things. So I have all your Wilde-an fears about not being loved and respected by my peers, the Freudian fears that I’ll wake up one morning to find my penis has been replaced by a rubber chicken; but I think if you want to get to the really bone chilling stuff, then the knowledge that all existence and human civilisation is merely a product of chaotic evolution, and that we are utterly alone in the Universe. Moreover, that because we are a product of that chaotic evolution, everything we say and do is utterly meaningless and without merit, that will be quickly forgotten when our human bodies are consigned to empty nothingness. In effect, that we are merely a blip in an endless empty eternity, but of cause we all know that’s completely ridiculous, right?

*Your Demon shrieks with laughter, cupping herself and winking at Boff, before doing a ‘call me’ sign with her hands*, the camera then jerkly moves diagonally down to the left, where several rows nearer the front the boys from ‘visit wakefield’ (@visit_wakefield) are sat proudly with their ‘Visit_wakefield’ badges on their lapels. “bloody hell Boff, what was that all about, Helen Worth would have shat her pants if she’d seen that”, they say, “Okay, our question was simply, If you had one day left on the planet and you had unlimited money, what would you do?”

Wow, you saved all the deep philosophical questions to the end. That’s a really tough one to answer actually. The noble and sentimental part of me wants to say that I would probably spend it with my immediate family and friends, somewhere beautiful, with good food and live music. If travel time wasn’t the issue, maybe I would spend it in Tibet with the monks trying to find inner enlightenment in my last few hours, so that I was ready to meet my maker. But then again, you know me, all too well actually. If I had 24 hours left to live and unlimited funds, I fear my last day on earth would probably not be unlike the music video for the Prodigy song ‘smack my bitch up’, ahem. That probably says more about me than it does you doesn’t it? *Sweaty interjects* Is that the one where at the end it turns out to be a girl? “yes, mate” replies Boff. “That video is mental, that would be a heck of a night out though Boff”, says Sweaty.

The camera now pans to the back part of the left-hand side block of seats, where a clown is sat trying to stretch up to reach the sound-boom. JB (@JB1971_) waves to camera “hey guys, don’t worry Boff, I’ve got my toe under control today” says JB cryptically. “I wanted to ask Boff whether he has ever had birds nesting in his beard? Did that really happen?”

Ah JB, I’m glad to hear that your cheeky little toe is back underwraps, it must be a bind having talking body parts. Still, it never held Cyndi Lauper back, ahem. So anyway to your question, I’m sorry to say that’s an urban myth, much as I’m sure my beard would make a lovely home for any prospective birdy couple, it simply has never happened. I think the rumour originates from a day out at the seaside I had. I was enjoying a day out on Brighton beach, a cone of chips in hand, and while eating, a chip missed my mouth and got stuck in my beard. For beard wearers this is unfortunately a common problem, which is why cleanliness really is next to godliness. In this case I didn’t notice the mistake, but a seagull did, and I ended up with the feathery bastard wedged in my beard, wings flapping all over the place. It was quite distressing for all concerned, but it did make the evening news in Brighton, and that’s where I think the myth started.


The camera now comes back to Sweaty on his armchair. Thank you to all guests who have asked a question, and apologies for those that didn’t get the opportunity. What a wonderful evening we've had, I hope you all feel that bit closer to the Boffster, he's one of twitters true gentleman and a national treasure like Vanessa Feltz or Barry from Eastenders. I wanted to conclude with one last anecdote, We once got stuck in a lift in Marks and Spencer, the temperature reached over 19 degrees and I was a bit thirsty, he reached into his satchel and handed me a half full bottle of Irn Bru, I offered him a mouthful but he pressed the bottle against my slightly parched lips, we were rescued seven minutes later but I truly believe he saved my life that day. I told him I owed him my life but he just said I could buy him a Panini in the food court. Ladies and gentleman please be upstanding for the man that is Boff Moatman, *audience rises to their feet clapping and wolf whistling*

*Sweaty gets up from his armchair and walks back to centre stage* “Okay, and with that this evenings events are drawing to a close, the band have kindly agreed to play us out with one of their classic tunes. We’d like to invite our audience to come down and join us on stage as we shake our funky thangs. So with that, here’s Duran Duran again with their hit ‘Wild Boys’”. *The camera zooms out as people flood down from the audience to enjoy the music and congratulate Boffy and Sweaty on a job welldone.*

Tuesday 11 October 2016

An evening with Boff Moatman - Part 1 (of 2)

The camera opens on a busy TV studio floor, delightfully decked out in 80s style Parkinson colours with partition screening. As the camera pans across a packed and noisy audience, many familiar faces can be seen chatting to one another and trying to open bags of popcorn without spilling the contents on the audience member in front of them. The camera then pans to the stage, where the hip young boy band of the moment (Duran Duran) are sat up in the bandstand sipping Campari and relaxing. The camera finally comes to settle on centre stage where a garishly clad elderly gent with a big grey beard is sat reclining on a grey cloth couch. Then from the back of the stage an even more garishly dressed dog emerges to rapturous applause from the audience.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to an Evening with Boff Moatman, it's a huge honour to co-host this historic televisual extravaganza celebrating the man, the myth, the bearded behemoth that is Boff Moatman. We have some of Boff's closest friends in the audience tonight poised and ready to fire questions to the big man, fingering his massive brain for tales of past escapades, separating the fact from the fiction. We also have four sexy young things going by the name of Duran Duran who are premiering their new single ‘Ordinary World’ for the first time ever on TV, I've been backstage and they've made a right mess, it's stinks of cider, Wotsits and mischief in there. So without further ado let's welcome the man of the moment, the big kahuna, the chosen one, the Spanish call him El Boffo but we know him as Boff Moatman.

The Camera cuts away back to Boff on the Couch, as Sweaty walks across to a matching grey cloth armchair nicked from Pebble Mill's storage room.

"I’m so glad it’s you that hosting this evening dearest Sweaty, you’re such a dear friend, who already knows all of my deepest darkest secrets, but also because you know, that I know, about that thing with you and the Duchess of Kent and that other thing that won’t be mentioned *slyly winks*. *Sweaty laughs, placing a paw on Boff’s knee* “ohh you are a mischievous bugger, don’t worry mate, we’ll be gentle, and ixnay on the Duchess thing, she might be watching”.

“So, where shall we start, what stories can we tell to help uncover a little more about the man that is Boff Moatman, well maybe I can begin by telling you all about the time me and Boff first met, I was in Snappy Snaps getting my holiday photos developed when I heard a massive kerfuffle going on in the passport photo booth, I pulled the curtain aside and there sat a silvery bearded wonder that took my breath away, he had an air of something special about him, I think it was Kestrel Super as the booth smelled very boozy. He explained that he couldn't get his car started and someone kept flashing him, after a short struggle I managed to drag him outside and buy him a burrito to sober him up, we sat there for hours sharing tales of high seas and low cut hipster jeans, we laughed, cried and vomited stale Kestrel. I knew that day I'd met a special friend, we often get drunk and try to drive home despite being barred from Snappy Snaps. As a friend and drinking buddy I'd love to know what your best night out was that didn't result in a custodial sentence? 

Ah Sweaty, I wish I could tell you that I remember it like it was only yesterday, but needless to say, I was very very drunk. I had to knock the Kestrel beer on the head, it did terrible things to my bowels, or at least every time I got hammered on Kestrel I would get a yearning for one of Dirty Sid’s (@Dirtysid) special curries. I was never sure which did the more damage, but thankfully that’s all behind me. I think my best night out (that I can remember) was that time you and I popped down to the dog and ferret for a swift half at lunchtime. Five hours later, we were sat on a merri-go-round trying to race some 10 year olds, who swore more than we did. Then that nice lady with the false eye took pity on us and bought us each a candy floss. That was a great evening out, it’s always good when you return home wearing both shoes and don’t have vomit down the front of you.

The audience applauds with raucous laughter as Sweaty interjects. “Okay, as you know all of these shows are big on audience participation, and as you’ll be able to see many of your former interview guests are itching to get in on the act and ask their own questions, so lets begin…”

The camera cuts away to the second row where Willow (@paperhegemony) and her partner Quentin are sat patiently waiting to ask their question. A sound-boom comes down as Willow looks waiting to see if it’ll stop in time, clearing her throat, she says, ”Hello Boff, you lovely old rogue, I wanted to ask when you were at school as a young boy, what sort of things did you do to impress the ones you fancied?”

Hello my darling, so lovely to see you tonight, and a pleasure to meet you also Quentin. As far as your question goes, well, I had a full beard by the age of 6, so I did stand out somewhat from the other boys. But I must admit as a young lad I was terribly shy and bashful, so I didn’t discover the fairer sex until after school had finished. Other than a passing crush on the school librarian (even now horn-rimmed glasses on a gold chain get me going) which didn’t end well after I returned a book late, I didn’t have much to do with girls. I have of cause made up for lost time since you understand.


The sound-boom then moves to the middle of the audience where @Neillyfabi is waiting, having recently returned from visiting his in-laws in Argentina. “Hi Boff, it’s good to see you mate, you’re looking a little warm under these camera lights, I hope they’re keeping you boys well-watered, I wanted to ask a question about travel, I wondered if you could share with us the most embarrassing holiday experience you’ve had with us?”

*Boff reaches down behind the arm of the sofa and raises a fancy cocktail before chuckling* I must admit I do have a story, one that I haven’t told in many many years. When I was a young boy at school they encouraged us to have a pen-pal in France, and so I wrote to Jean-Pierre for an entire year, exchanged swear words, smutty jokes, the usual. Well, the school organised a student exchange for us, but back in those days’ photographs were expensive, so I had no idea what Jean-Pierre or his family looked like. So they sent me across on the Ferry, and then when I arrived, as I later found out, Jean-Pierre is quite a common name for French boys. At first his family seemed quite confused, especially when I handed them my bag and climbed into their car. They protested for the first few days, presumably because of cultural differences, but by the end of the second week we were firm friends, it was only when we got back to the ferry port and I met ‘my’ Jean-Pierre who was on his way to stay with my family that I realised the mistake. To this day, I still have no idea who I stayed with for two weeks.

The camera boom now moves to an executive box in the gallery where Commissar Ralph (@ImcousinRalph) is busy plotting world domination. “Good evening Mr.Moatman, I was not happy about being dragged away from my country, but the Cuban Cigars and 80 year old brandy is very much welcome. For me I like a particular movie quote, ‘There are three things I like; Kylie Minogue; small dimples just above a woman’s buttocks; and the fear in a man’s eyes who knows I’m about to hurt him’, what quote do you like?

Hahahah as ever my dear Ralph, you’re presence is easily felt across the whole studio, magnanimous as always. Well, as I’m sure you’ll know I love my comic book movies, so I think my favourite quote comes from the original Batman movie, because we all know that Jack Nicolson was the best Joker, so tell me dear fellow ‘Have you ever danced with the Devil by the pale moonlight? I just like to ask that question of all my prey’, *Boff bursts out laughing while Ralph nodes approvingly*

Sweaty now takes over again, “some excellent questions, we’ll come back to the audience again in a little bit, but I think you'll agree we're really getting to know our favourite former aristocrat. Now it’s time for another of my stories, and then a surprise for you Boff. So as well as being hell raisers Boff and I have shared the good and bad times together, the poignant and the erotic. As voted the winner of ‘Britain's best beard 1997’ by Hairy Studz magazine Boff was asked to do centre spread for the Christmas edition, he asked me to give him a lift to the shoot and carry his beard grooming kit. Having not read Hairy Studz before we hadn't realised there was more than just the pages being spread that day, however Boff was ever the professional and that issue broke all records for that magazine selling in excess of 40 copies. That beard opens a lot of doors for you mate, which is why we got you a little gift.

*From the stage right an assistant comes on carrying a bag of hair care accessories* We wanted to get you something from the Nicky Clark range but the Floor manager said we couldn’t afford it, so instead, we got you the complete Vanilla Ice hair care professional kit, now every day can be a ‘high top’ day. But before we let you get your mitts on the goodies, we wanted to ask how you maintain such a magnificent soup strainer?


Oh! Bless you, this really is too kind, I feel really embarrassed now because I didn’t get you a gift. As for hair, well I don’t have much up top, so it really is the beard. I tried various shampoos and potions, but often find that they leave it too light and fly-away. That’s why I now use my secret ingredient, irn-bru, it gives my beard a lovely weight, soft curls, and an ever so slight orange tint, which drives the dinner ladies at the care home up the road wild. I’m often mistaken for ZZ-Top you know, both of them, the old dears don’t see so well, but it does wonders for my pride. You’re coat is lovely and glossy too Sweaty, I can see you take good care of yourself.

Sweaty smiles, I brush my hair every day to avoid knots and tangles you know Boff, you’ve got to have a routine, anyway, enough of man-care tips, time to go back to our audience for a few more questions. I can see Tim (@TimGooderham) is itching to ask you a question. The camera cuts away to the front row where Tim is sat next to Lady Anne (@SensuaMuppet), sharing a box of popcorn “Hello Boff, I hope you’re enjoying your time in the lime-light, I wanted to ask what made you get into this Parkinson style interview business in the first place?

Hello dear boy! I must confess the interview thing was largely by accident. I mean, I was a fan of Parky growing up as a boy, but I also enjoy the contemporary interview shows like Alan Carr, and that young whipper-snapper Jonathon Ross. I think for me, I’ve met so many people down the road, and they all have fascinating insights to life and the human condition. On Twitter you are limited to the requisite 140 characters, but there’s such a rich tapestry of life, and people from all over the world that have had different experiences and upbringings. I wanted to shine a light and go beyond the 140 characters to help bring some of those things to the surface and really give people the opportunity to get to know their peers a little more. My only regret is that we’re limited to the English language, I’m sure there are others from far flung places that would be fascinating guests, but alas, as Jean-Pierre found out, my French is crap.

The camera and sound-boom now swing off to the far right, where in the third row the Elfish Witch (@elfishbitch) is waiting to ask a question. “Hello darling Boff! We’ve turned the tables *laughs* it was about time that we got to ask a few questions ourselves, oh bearded enigma. Talking of beards, what’s your beardspiration?

Ahhh my darling, you’ve been so wonderfully supportive of the Moatman Interviews, I’m so glad you were able to attend this evening. In terms of your question, obviously the ‘Blessed’ was a big impact on me, as a young boy with a full beard, seeing him shout ‘Gordon’s Alive’, has stayed with me for many years. Personally I prefer a full natural beard, that is well kept and washed regularly. This recent trend with over stylised beards leaves me cold, who needs designer stubble and tram lines on their chin? I must admit I steer clear of beard wax also, horrible smelly stuff. No, give me a proper Santa’s beard over a hipster twiddly number any day.

The camera then swings back to the middle where Trish Finley (@WTF_MYOB) is waiting. “Hello, you grizzly old love demon, *laughs Trish*, I’m really torn, I wanted to ask you a normal question like ‘tell us something you do, that we should all do/shouldn’t do’, but I’m really temped to ask you something sassy like ‘which famous lady (dead/or alive) would you like shtup’ ? I just don’t know.

Hahahah two for the price of one! Well in terms of things I do, I must confess I talk to myself, A LOT, to the point where friends and family enquire after ‘Philip’, I’m not sure whether I would recommend that, but you certainly get the right answers if you talk to yourself, and a better class of company, at least on occasion. As for your second question, goodness, so much choice hahaha, well, I do have a soft spot for Amy Adams, who’s delicate and gorgeous, with bags of sass and energy. But if we’re talking historical characters, Queen Elizabeth the first sounds fun, she’s got the body of a weak and feeble woman but with the heart and stomach of a king. Although I may insist that Miranda Richardson fills in for her, depending on the state of her teeth and pox. Ahem.

The camera now swings up to another of the executive boxes where @swearyJesus is waving away the cigar smoke from Commissar Ralph “You do know it’s no smoking in here don’t you?” says Sweary, as Ralph just shrugs and takes another toke on his cigar, “even as the son of God I get no respect *sighs* hello Boff, I wanted to ask you an important deeply biblical question, here goes, *takes a deep breath*, If you had a pigeon what would you call it and why?

Ahhhh that is a deeply philosophical question indeed. Obviously the name ‘Jon’ is taken, but I’m quite partial to the name Keith; Keith the pigeon. I just fear that he would get tarred with a Keith Lemon brush and be forced to wear garish suits and chair dodgy game shows for other pigeons. So lets go for something more noble. How about Michael. Michael the pigeon, he’s running for office in the local council elections. He’ll sort out the bird poo problem in the town centre.

The camera now comes to rest on the left-hand side of the audience where our dear Auntie Em (@AskAuntieEm1) has flown in especially from the United States. “Hello Boff, I’m so glad that you invited me to come along to this, it’s been a hoot! So I wanted to ask for those of us who are unfamiliar, what is a Womble?

Oh my God! I’m so pleased to see you, this is a wonderful surprise, I can’t believe you came all the way from the States to be here. I must admit Sweaty, I feel wonderfully spoiled with all the lovely people in the audience this really has touched me. In terms of your question, well, Wombles are native to the British Isles, but were cruelly hunted because they taste abit like chicken, so they are far rarer these days, with Wimbledon Common being sanctuary for their protection. In terms of how I would describe them, well, small, hairy, smell a bit odd, have a fascination with trash and tidying, but so lovable and funny too. So in that respect very much like Danny De Vito really.


The Camera now comes back to Sweaty. “N’awww see Boff, I’m feeling the love in the room, not least because of the idea of an Amy Adams / Miranda Richardson threesome, you sly old dog” says Sweaty. “We could listen to you and Philip ramble on all evening, but for those people in our wider audience reading our blog, it’s time for a break, I don’t want anyone wetting themselves because we deprived them of rest room breaks”, continues Sweaty. Besides to sing us into the break, we have a musical interlude, we are incredibly lucky to have this hot young band in the studio to sing us their new single, ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Duran Duran with ‘Ordinary World’, I’m sure you’ll like it. Join us next time for the second half of an evening with Boff Moatman.

Tuesday 28 June 2016

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.10 'Mountaineering' ft @CJ44549 (Moody Patooty)

The cameras open on a quaint English backgarden on a sunny afternoon, deep in the heart of the Bristolian riviera. There in the middle of the lawn is pitched a beautiful yellow tent, which houses not only our host, but today's intrepid guest, who will be telling Boff all about her trip up Mount Everest. The camera pans around to the open flaps and peers inside to reveal both Boff and our dear friend Moody Patooty, holding a pint of cider sat on matching bean bags. Strangely on the inside of the tent it feels a lot more cramped and decidedly noisy. A loud cacophony can be heard outside the tent which can only be described as being like Kenneth Williams and Frankie Howerd running round and round shouting 'woo!'

Patooty leans across and makes hand gestures to indicate she can't make herself heard, to which Boff sticks his head out of the tent shouting a set of instructions. "Ahem, sorry about that", he replies coming back in. "Thank god, what was all that noise about Boff?". "errr the Wombles were trying to recreate the noise of the harsh winds on Everest to make our interview more atmospheric" Says Boff. Once he explains the odd wooing noises, Patooty wets herself laughing, "I'm not sure they got it right but thank them for trying" she says taking a sip of cider and adjusting her glasses still laughing. "I've sent them indoors now, your daughter said she'd give them all a makeover", replies Boff, which just makes Patooty laugh even more.

Hail fellows!, Says Boff, and welcome to another Moatman Interview, coming to you live from inside a yellow tent, on a lawn. Now, today's guest is a fun loving girl about town, work hard, play hard, and intrepid adventurer to boot, having scaled Mount Everest no less. Yes, today's guest, sharing a tent with me is Moody Patooty! *Patooty grins and waves at the camera*, "yes, Boff, and as we are sharing a tent I do hope you haven't been eating baked beans!" Laughs Patooty. "I can tell you're going to be a whole lot of mischief" replies Boff also chuckling. Okay, then lets get started with this interview then. I like to ease my guests in with a couple of gentle questions, so I'd like to begin by asking you what the night life in Bristol is like? is it wall to wall cultural icons, Banksy at the bar, Portishead over at Maccers, Tricky arm wrestling with Damien Hirst in the dog and ferret?

Bristol nightlife! Mmmm personally I prefer Bristol day life! Especially in the summer! A few ciders in the sunshine in Bristol is one of my fave things. Night time in Bristol can be a bit of a mixture and sometimes I feel a little old and maybe my skirt is too long! I've tried to dance with Cary Grant in millennium square but he's a little stiff!!

I see, that's not like Cary laughs Boff, mind you he has been quite rigid for a while, anyway,  being something of a cultural icon yourself, what's the weirdest thing you've seen when you've been out and about around your home town?

The weirdest thing?!? Apart from some of my outfits.... Gloucester Road is a good place to see lots of different characters. When I was younger you couldn't go anywhere without seeing Stan The Man, in his vest tops tiny shorts and roller skates! He'd skate absolutely everywhere! Loved him!

N'awwww I do like a good local celebrity, every town and city has their Stan the Man, and perhaps in a related theme, how would you say Bristol is different from Mount Everest?

I don't think Stan the man would do well in his roller skates in Nepal or trekking to base camp! Bristols a little flatter and I much prefer the food here in Bristol, that and the fact I don't have to rely on a yak to carry my stuff!!

Ooooh you'll have to try one of Dirty Sid's curries, it'll make your toes curl and put hairs on your chest. hahahah, sorry I couldn't resist, and seeing as we've come to the topic of Mountains, perhaps a few key questions, firstly what on earth made you want to climb a Mountain?!

Right ok.... I didn't actually make it all the way to the summit of Everest! I trekked to base camp! And I wanted to do it firstly to raise money for charity and secondly to challenge myself and do something that not many people I know would ever get the chance to do! We had a sponsor so that made it easier too!

ahhhh I see, that's still a heck of a way up though isn't it, and what preparations did you have before going? did you have to do any special training for being at high altitudes?

Nope!!!! My other team mates all did a few hilly walks but i just put the treadmill on incline! Surely that's the same right?! I couldn't train for the altitude as I'm not loaded enough to gain access to anything like that!!!

You should have said, we could have put you on the Wimbledon special training scheme, I've got the Rocky sound track on casette tape and bags of shopping you could have used for weight training. Mind you the ducks around here are lethal as soon as they get a whiff of food. So anyway, when you were actually on the climb, were there any points where you were in fear of your own life? what kind of emotional journey did you go on?

So even though I didn't reach the summit, the climb to base camp is very serious as people still suffer serious side effects of the altitude! The only time I feared for my life was when I used one of the outside loos on our last stop before base camp, it smelled so bad my initial instinct was to hold my breath! At that altitude that was really not a good idea! My life flashed before me as I went very dizzy and nearly ended up falling through the hole straight into the pit of hell!!!! I can smell it now just thinking about it!!!!

Y'ouch that sounds biblical, but it must have been pretty special when you reached the top? did you have any euphoric girl on top of the world moments?

Well okay, Boff, I'm not sure how to answer this one because it was quite a personal experience for me. When I got to base camp, I had all the emotions you'd expect as well as being extremely cold as it was snowing. When I decided to do it my step grandad had recently been told he had terminal cancer he told me how proud he was of me and the last time I saw him I held his face I told him I was gonna do it for him!!! I'd also recently lost my cousin and God mum to cancer too so I took a flag up with there with their names on to leave! So as you can imagine the tears were flowing. As well as the fact I hadn't seen my children for two weeks and my son was heartbroken and I miss them madly!!!

Oh my goodness, I can imagine, that's a wonderful way to celebrate their life, ok then, so coming home to your family again must have been a special moment too, did they spoil you rotten? and did you get them any good souvenirs?

I arrived home in the middle of the night and had to go back to work and school the next day, so I woke my boy up and as soon as he saw me he burst into tears! I will never forget that moment!!! I bought them some yak wool blankets, and one for myself, it goes everywhere with me. Also some Buddhist prayer flags and lots of lovely Himalayan tea!

Mmmmm I do love a good cup of tea, and now you're home and back to reality, so I also wanted to ask you some questions about your everyday life to. I know you're studying at the moment, as well as holding down a job, is that proving tough? and how do you manage to juggle all these things?


Yes I'm studying, currently have three assignments left to do and I will graduate in November!! Yay! It's been extremely hard what with working and running a house and being the taxi driver!!! I've just handed in my notice with my current job, I have no job to go too but it needed to be done! This made me very happy! So it's last assignments and job hunting for me! With fitting in seeing my ace friends and drinking far to many thatchers!!!!!


And let's not forget the rugby! Bristol finally back in the prem!!! Yeeeesssss!! Brrriiisssstooll!!

Hahahaha indeed work hard, play hard, and what is the plan after your studies? are you going to hit the lecture circuit and be one of those cool explorer types?

Well the plan after studies at the moment is errrmmmm find a new job I guess!! Who knows what!?! I am currently the butt of my friends jokes and I might be getting a job in kfc!

Well if you do end up working at KFC can you get me mates rates *winks* I also know you have good set of friends around you, so how do you let your hair down? and when do you feel at your most happy?

As mentioned already I have the bestest friends and family, my friends have same age children so that's great. I'm a very social person and when it's the weekend I hate to be stuck in. It's currently Saturday night and I'm in but it's bank holiday weekend so it's super cider Sunday tomorrow with my friends minus children!!! Also I have great neighbours who are now also very good friends and many a drunken stagger home from the pub to their house happens as well as them bursting in on their way back from the pub to carry on the party!!! I love my extended rugby family and have many great days and nights at the club, incidentally that's where super cider is happening tomorrow. BBQ and supporting England against Wales cmon England!!!!

Ahhh yes the Rubgy, and obviously you're also close to your daughter, are you like partners in crime when you're out and about? what's the thing you're most proud about your daughter?

Me and my princess pants! We have our ups and downs! She 13 and full of attitude but she's the most caring and lovely person you'd ever wish to meet! She's fab with her younger brother and everyone she meets tells me how lovely she is, so I can forgive the attitude she has with me! She's absolutely beautiful and she makes me proud just being her!!! Both my children make me super proud!! Love them to infinity and beyond!!

N'awwww Patooty! Well our interview is almost at an end, so perhaps one last question then, what would be your best advice for sharing a tent with someone? particularly if they're of the opposite sex?

Sharing a tent! Always pre warn when there is a gas escape to give them a chance to vacate! That's the most important! Other than that if we are sharing a tent what's yours is mine so any midnight feasts you best be sharing!!!!!

hahahahaha, as if I'd hog the snacks, me, *innocent face* *Boff and Patooty chink glasses and take a long slurp of cider* ahhh my guest is a scamp and no mistake. Well that's it my loves, not just the end of another interview but the end of another series, and just in time for Wimbledon to start, anybody would think I plan these things. Take care of yourselves my lovelies and have a good summer. Adieu.

Tuesday 21 June 2016

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.9 'Love to love, baby' featuring @SensualMuppet

The cameras open on a busy high street, where Boff sits on a public bench waiting for today's guest to arrive. Boff patiently nibbles at the chocolate flake of his 99, as suddenly a pair of hands gently clasp round his face, covering his eyes, "guess who?" says a lady's voice. "Ahhh I know who this is!" exclaims Boff, as today's guest moves round to oneside of him and sits down on the bench. "my feet are killing me, you never told me it was this far up the high street I had to walk miles", she continues, retrieving a kitkat from her bag and breaking it in half. "Hail fellows!" Calls Boff, and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews, this week we've come window shopping with another of Twitter's darlings.

Today's guest is a former Essex girl now settled in Dorsetshire, general coffee monster, mischief maker and plus-sized hand model. We'll be finding out in a little bit exactly what one of those is, but I'm sure you'll agree it sounds interesting. Today's guest is none other than our darling sweetheart Lady Anne (@SensualMuppet). Anne leans foward and waves to camera with a kitkat before relaxing back on the bench. At that, she gives Boff a nudge with her elbow, and nods at the shop in front of them, "what do you think Boff?". The shop in front of them is a well known 'adult' goods shop, with the same first name as today's guest. *Boff turns bright red* "oh no, I simply couldn't, the Wombles pushed me in there once and I've never lived it down" he says. "Oh come on Boff, it'll be fun, where's your sense of daring!"

At that, Anne gets up and grabs Boff's hand dragging him into the shop and almost head first into mannequin wearing stockings and suspenders. "Whoops, sorry Boff, are you okay?" Asks Anne, guiding him away from the underwear model and on to the relative safety of an aisle stacked with dildos in every possible conceivable colour and size. "Right, ahem" says Boff trying to ignore the paraphenalia and be brave, "questions! so many questions". I wanted to start with an easy one to help my readers get to know the real you a little bit, so I wanted to ask is it true you can take the girl out of Essex, but not the Essex out of the girl?

Damn straight! I’m proud of my Essex heritage, frankly there is more to us Essex Birds than Escorts, white stillettos and shagging behind the bins of the local boozer *grins* ok maybe not that much *bigger grin*   I do hate that bloody TOWIE though we aren’t all spray tanned blonde bimbos that say “Basically” every other sentence but I do have my white bits *winks* There are 2 types of people, Essex people and Wannabe Essex people.

"hahahah indeed, they are a most unusual shade of orange don't you agree?" says Boff as Anne hands him a huge pink vibrator, "I mean honestly, I like the colour, but look at it Boff, it's ridiculous, who could be pleased to be confronted with that?" Boff just stands trembling, "shall I put it back? or are you going to keep hold of it?" says Anne as she gently prizes Boff's vice like grip, "Bless you; you are a bit shell-shocked aren't you, come on lets go and look at the bondage stuff down the back, that's probably less distressing for you..." *Boff shakes his head, coming to his senses* ahem yes, I also wanted to ask how you're getting on in Dorsetshire, is it much different to the home you grew up in and know so well? what do you love about Dorset?

I’ve lived here 20 years now, I do like Dorset its very pretty. There are a lot of Londoners here but I’ve yet to meet a fellow Essexian or Essexiest or whatever you call them….  There is a lot a lot a lot of REALLY OLD people…. It’s very different from Essex, we are a friendly breed and even though it’s a huge county theres an unspoken law that anywhere above Chelmsford is essentially fake Essex – thanks for the zoo though, Colchester.

Hahaha I see... *Anne picks up a leather paddle and starts patting it on her bottom* hmmm, it's okay, I suppose... come on Boff, you must have some tougher questions for me? probe away man! probe! I'm not sure 'probe' is a good turn of phrase considering where we are but yes, so lets get to a more in depth question. Perhaps starting with what exactly is a plus-sized hand model and how exactly did you become one?

It’s the same as a regular hand model, except I wear bigger knickers…. *spots chocolate willies* oooooooh, look Boff, 75% cocoa solids. I do think it's important to have at least 75% of solids in a willy, otherwise it's a bit of a disappointment. I'm not judging though, I just like the taste of proper chocolate. 

*Boff almost chokes on his own beard* "are you okay darling, go easy, I can't carry you out of here" says Anne, before spotting something else she likes the look of, "I see" says Boff  *Anne has now ducked down to something on the bottom shelf of the aisle and disappears from view*, Boff peering over the top of the aisle to see what she's looking at continues to ask and have you found your identical hand-twin yet?

Not yet….*looks at hands* I don’t think anyone could twin what these hands can do, and I suspect some of it is immoral or illegal :-D, but still perfectly lovely, a bit like Mr Kippling's cakes in that respect, except these are hands not cakes. "Do you have a beard twin Boff?" says Anne, I bet there must be one out there somewhere...

Well, I have many beard twins as it goes, men of a certain age you see. *Anne pops back up beaming with a big smile holding a fluffy pair of hand-cuffs* No! I draw the line at hand-cuffs, I had an unpleasant experience many years ago, that left me penniless and naked stuck in a London hotel, least said about that *blushes* I also wanted to ask you about relationships, you've been blessed in having a life-long friend, Sandy, who's been with you thorough thick and thin. So I wanted to ask  how has your friendship evolved over the years? are you still the same two giggling girls from school?

We aren’t old school friends, but we have known each other since our youngest kids started school so that’s about…*counts on fingers* about 8 years now.  She’s a darling, bit crazy bonkers but a darling…she’s been a big support and a good friend, I’ve been a right ratbag to her sometimes but she always sticks by me.  We do have some right belly laugh times…she does say she doesn’t laugh with anyone else the way she does with me. She’s a bloody nightmare when she is a passenger in your car, she will beep your horn and pretend it’s you and bark out the window at people….I love her to bits though. BTW that rumour about us being lesbians is NOT true…..or is it…*jingles handcuffs*

"No really", says Boff, "I can't do hand-cuffs, I have chubby wrists, look" *waves wrists about* "N'awwww, spoilsport" says Anne, before adding "ooooh this is nice", holding up a red corset, "can I try this on she calls to the attendant", before disappearing into a changing room with saloon doors. "keep going Boff, I won't be a minute, and I can still hear you in here", she says as she starts rustling around. Right, and Sandy is as mischievous as you, do you have any good stories you could share with us about scrapes you two have gotten into along the way?

Ooooh lots…she got me so drunk one night…adding vodka to my drink when I left the room, the biatch, and then making me wear a wonderwoman outfit at a new years party….

*A bra comes flying over the top of the saloon doors*, "Be a love and grab that for me please Boff" she calls as she continues wrestling with the corset. Okay, seeing as we're in a sex shop, perhaps a different kind of question. Given that the media is obsessed with the female form, and that most advertising these days from washing up liquid to cars is sexualised with scantily clad women, the male form is somewhat in decline. So I wanted to ask what do women really think about the male... ahem...body...

Well lets just say that one of the most surprising thing about willies is their ability to transform in size so dramatically. It’s so… purple!  Yeah, yeah, we get it – it’s the blood flowing to your willy which makes it hard. But really, it’s just so *dark* It reminds us of other things too.. Gonzo’s nose, a Smurf house, mushrooms, aubergines. Hours of fun.

*more rustling continues, with the saloon doors almost bursting open at one point*, "This corset is a bugger to get on" Anne calls out, "hold on" *Boff is tempted to offer some assistance and then remembers Anne still has the handcuffs* ...and if you could change one thing about the anatomical design of the male body, what would you change and why?

Make semen taste better…like chocolate, strawberry, vodka… ya know. *adjusts knicker elastic* bit more girth…less hairy, the ability to see dirty dishes…to not spend 2 hours in the bog having a dump, I mean come on we’re not that different!

"Oh good grief, and now we're back to the Cocoa solids!" calls Boff 

*Anne comes out of stall, almost overspilling from the corset* "Ta-dah!" she calls "I can tell by the way your eyes are almost on stalks that this is a keeper" she laughs, " Right I'll get changed back then lets get out of here", *Anne retrieves her under-garments from Boff and disappears back into the changing room*

Perhaps moving away from the anatomical, what do you think are the main differences between men and women? and have you developed any good strategies for handling men and their delicate male egos?

Strategies? We are different…we can multi task…we have a better memory…and no I’ve given up salving the male ego…done that been there got the t-shirt the divorce papers the dog the house and the kids and the broken heart (numerous times). I could tell you many stories about that Boff. I still like boys though, you're fiendishly addictive!

Boff allows himself a smile to himself with that one, *Anne emerges from the changing room, back fully dressed*. "Oooh, there's one more thing I need to get and then lets go", "I'll meet you at the till, here take this", she says handing Boff the corset. The shop girl on the till just watches quizzically trying to work out the relationship before assuming that Anne has come shopping for sex aides with either her grandad or hugh hefner. Errr okay, and what good advice would you give to your daughter for dealing with the male of the species, and picking a future partner? what things have you learned that could help guide our female readers?

Frankly I think my eldest daughter is more mature in that way than me…she’s in a great relationship with a lovely fella I’m sure if anything she should be giving me advice lol…I make men run for the hills…can't think why.. *jiggles handcuffs again*

If I’ve learnt anything I’ve learnt to be myself and not what someone else wants me to be. I think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my time on this tiny planet so who am I to give advice…

*Anne arrives at the till with a penis shaped candle*, *Boff goes an even deeper shade of red*, "What? I couldn't let you go without getting a present for your little Wimbledon friends could I? "I'm sure that Bungo will love it" replies Boff, now also laughing.

Well our interview is almost at an end, so perhaps time for one more quick question before we wrap up, then I suggest we find a bar and I get a stiff drink. ahem. So then, if you were marooned on an island with Bear Grylls, what three items would you have with you to help your survival and why?

Who’s Bear Grylls? Is he in Emmerdale? *Wry smile and wink*

...and with that our interview is at an end, and Anne is going to treat Boff to a 'stiff' drink for being such a good sport and braving another trip around Anne Summers!

Tuesday 14 June 2016

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.8 'Presidential times' featuring @imcousinRalph

The cameras open on the outside of a luxurious limo, with tinted bullet proof windows, 28" chrome alloys, a thirty grand paint job, and a shiny front grill so big, it looks more like a garden gate than something you would find on the front of a car. The interior is no less lavish, hand stitched Italian white leather seating, with disco beaded lights on the apexs and a mirror on the ceiling. A drinks mini bar fitted into one console and the dulcet tones of Dr. Dre gently wafting through the interior from the fifty grand sound system. This is no shabby affair I can tell you, and Boff has taken the assignment seriously dressed up to the nines in his best suit (from Saville Row c. 1978 - but it still fits!).

Sitting opposite Boff holding a glass of brandy is today's guest, flanked either side by his female honour guard. Two deadly but beautiful ladies, with legs so smooth and so long they seem to go on forever, and a machine gun resting in their laps. "Hail Fellows!" Calls Boff, taking another sip of his malibu and coke, welcome to yet another Moatman Interview coming to you today live and direct from the state vehicle of a modern day leader, some say rules with an iron fist, and others say is a gentle pussy cat, depending on what mood he's in. I can tell you I won't be trying my luck either way.

Indeed, today's Moatman guest is the very distinguish principal protagonist of Uganda, yes, today I'm interviewing @ImcousinRalph. Ralph nods in the direction of the guard to his left, who shells a cashew nut, before popping it in Ralph's mouth. "It's so difficult to get good cashews" says Ralph, "But I have them imported directly, you can't mess with these things Mr Boff" He continues, before opening a small box and offering Boff a large cuban cigar to go with his drink. "oooh thank you" says Boff, I don't actually smoke, but cigars are different aren't they; they don't count as real smoking. So then I've received confirmation from your press office that they've reviewed my questions and circled the ones I'm allowed to use, so perhaps we should crack on then, perhaps we could begin by asking about your rise to power and how you came to find yourself leader? can you tell us about that?

My rise to power was purely accidental. Mostly due to many of my opponents having unfortunate accidents, and I can tell you, I have such fond memories of those “accidents”. 

*laughs loudly*

Don’t forget to laugh at my jokes Mr Boff. *Boff looks nervous, before letting out a loud laugh that lasts ever so slightly too long* Apart from that, I’m a born leader and my people love me. Some say it was my destiny, especially Alex Salmond, he sends me a bottle of scotch every St Andrew’s day without fail. I’m king of Scotland you know. But it hasn’t gone to my head.


Ahhhh, that explains the haggis I found in the glove box. *Ralph stares at Boff* "that is not haggis", ohh I see....errr.... so anyway, as a young boy, did you always harbour ambitions of one day leading this great nation?

As a boy, I wanted to join the Ugandan army, until one fateful day when I witnessed my first accident. I kicked a football in to our family pond and ordered the gardener to retrieve it. Watching the crocodiles attack and eat him was my eureka moment, for I knew then, that I was destined to be a great leader.
So, you could say that my gardener sacrificed himself so that I could fulfil my destiny as leader. I still joined the army of course, and it was this that propelled me to the presidency. I didn’t get all these medals out of a Christmas cracker you know.

They are very very shiny I must admit, and what kind of leader are you? a kind and fair man, or a ruthless tyrant, hell bent on glory, and a spot of Netflix and Chill?

Ruthless tyrant? Oh please Mr Boff..  *looks out of window*
Would a ruthless tyrant allow you to sit in a luxury car sipping Malibu and coke?
Of course, there is no denying that I am the greatest leader the world has ever seen. My people love me, they shower me with gifts on my official birthday. I’m admired for my kindness and my, ermm, modesty, etcetera etcetera, as the king of Siam would say *smiles* Some say the Dalai Lama is a tyrant. He forces his followers to wear those ridiculous saffron robes while ordering them not to step on ants. That’s bullshit in anyone’s book.


That does seem pretty silly to be fair, I much prefer a T-shirt and jeans if I'm honest, and as for ants, there are quite a lot of them. Besides, who goes shopping at their local supermarket in orange and white robes. I'm sorry, I'm quite nervours, can I have another cigar please. *The guard to Ralph's right forcibly pushes a cigar into Boff's face* Hmmm, what about global politics, what plans do have to advance Uganda's standing, both in African politics, but also on the wider international stage?

Hmmm, global politics. This is a subject close to my heart. World domination is so last year. But!... But, *waves finger* African politics, well that’s another matter. The whole of Africa looks to Uganda, and to me for leadership. (In admiration of course) The other leaders, they’re such amateurs. Mugabe, for example, always sleeping on duty. Has he been bitten by a tsetse fly?

*exchanges smiles with female body guards*

As for the international stage, I have ordered a remake of that awful work of fiction, Raid on Entebbe. Have you ever seen that movie? A joke, yes? Mark my words, Uganda will one day be famous for exporting luxury flip flops to Israel.

hahahah, that sounds like a shrewd goal, the world needs more flip flops, and what do you make of your other fellow leaders? what about the major players, like Obama, Putin, Jinping, Cameron, Merkel et al?

It makes my blood boil that the American people elected a Kenyan as president. A Kenyan? Why not a Ugandan?

If it walks like a lame duck and quacks like a lame duck, it’s a lame duck right?
But Putin, you have to admire him, now there’s a man who knows how to deal with trouble makers. Polonium 210, wow! And who else wrestles a bear before breakfast? As for Cameron and Merkel, well, we all know who is wearing the gimp suit in that relationship.

*laughs loudly*

Laugh Mr Boff. *Boff laughs loudly*

Anyway, how many of these so called world leaders have sexy body guards with golden machine pistols? None Mr Boff. None!

They are indeedy a heady mixture of over sexualised female beauty and ruthless killing machines, perhaps something that the fashion designers of Milan could learn from sir, and is it true that you offered the former female leader of Argentina (Cristina Fernández de Kirchner) a go in your personal jacuzzi?

Yes, I offered Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a go in my “jacuzzi” well, until I saw her close up. No wonder her country’s in such a mess. Do you know she has a tattoo of some south Atlantic islands on her bottom? One of my henchmen saw it while he was giving her a cavity search. Oh boy what a cavity! Anyway, I sent her packing with a crocodile handbag and trowel for her makeup. I’m generous like that. Mind you, she would have taken it anyway.

I'm glad to see Ugandan ~ Argentine relationships are on such a positive level, that's reassuring, and in terms of national politics, Uganda does have a bit of a problem with over administration, with one administrative leader per 6 Ugandans, compared to one doctor per 300 Ugandans, will you be cutting through the red tape? How's cousin Bootsie by the way?

I don’t see over administration as a problem. With a high staff turnover, it makes sense to have people on standby, ready to fill the gaps when someone fails, Ermm has an unfortunate accident. And the higher your office, the higher you fall as I like to say. As for doctors, I have personally launched a system based on your 111 telephone service. When I say based on, I mean all calls are connected to your lovely operators thus saving my country a small fortune in medical bills.

That is both ingenius and incredibly devious, I am quite in awe of you. Now of cause I know all these different issues must take their toll, so I wanted to ask how do you relax after a day's work?

As for relaxation, I love to sit and watch my pet sharks, especially at feeding time.
Do you like James Bond Mr Boff? I like watching Bond movies. In fact that was the inspiration for my shark tank which sits directly under my cabinet meeting room. There’s a button fitted to my desk that when pressed, flips one of the chairs backwards dispensing its occupant directly in to the shark tank.*roars with laughter*  Who needs discovery channel?


hahahah I'm starting to think your life is essentially the movie 'let and live die', except it's Mr Bond that dies at the end instead of Yaphet Kotto. *Ralph eyes Boff keenly* before explaining that actually his life is more like a cross between 'the King of Scotland' meets 'Boogie Nights' only with more gold and presidential meetings.

I see and do you enjoy attending the national sporting events? do you have any that are particularly close to your heart?

Ugandans are renowned for their sportsmanship and I love to attend national events. I always get the best seat in the stadium you know. I particularly like watching Rugby. Where else can you watch people getting beaten to a pulp? Apart from interrogation of course.

Then there’s beach volleyball and mud wrestling. Thunderpussy here *Ralph points to the bodyguard on his left* is three times champion and my Personal bodyguard. She’s particularly close to my heart Mr Boff. Do you know she can open a Coca-Cola bottle without using her hands or feet?


*Boff just sits agog for a moment* I see, now, it says here, I'm not allowed to ask this one, but I can't do an interview without asking, what's going on with this money transfer union business? and has the issue of this nine million Ugandan dollars been resolved yet?

Ask not what nine million Ugandan dollars can do for you. Ask what you can do for nine million Ugandan dollars, as my friend Mr Kennedy once said before his terrible limousine accident. Besides Mr Boff, what is a bag full of cash between friends? An investment, that’s what it is. Know what Amin. Get it? Amin?
As far as I’m concerned, there are lots of investments pouring in to my country. All financial business is legitimate and above board. In fact, my accountants are changed regularly for security reasons, so I have personally eradicated corruption.

Well, I'm glad that we sorted that little issue out then, and what about your future, are you busy working on producing a son and heir to take on the mantle when you come ready to retire? or are you planning to keep your grasp on control for as long as possible?

Oh my future is very secure, you can’t argue with destiny Mr Boff. My people love me so much they don’t want me to step down. and, an accident is most unlikely. My private jet funded by your government is maintained to the highest standards. Besides, Miss Thunderpussy and I never fly without our his & hers emergency parachutes.

As for producing an heir, practice makes perfect as they say. But, seriously, my eldest son is in the army and has ten medals already, and a hit with the ladies apparently. A chip off the old block as you say in England.


So the future is rosy then, excellent! well our interview is almost at a close, so just time for one more quick question. Is it true you've been asked to be a judge on the national TV show Uganda's got talent? and if so what kind of acts will you be looking out for this year?

Yes it’s true that I’ve been asked to be a (the) judge on Uganda’s got talent. After all, it was my brilliant idea in the first place. But I’m a busy man Mr Boff. A role better suited to my glamorous bodyguards wouldn’t you agree?

Besides, I’m working on another far more impressive project. I’m a political prisoner get me out of here. There’s a twist Mr Boff, no one actually makes it to freedom.

*roars with laughter*

Anyway, I’m late for a medal presentation so this concludes the interview. Miss Totty will drive you back to the airport. Oh, and keep the cigar as a souvenir Mr Boff. Fidel Castro rolled that one himself.  Send my regards to your Queen, the corgi was delicious!


and with that Ralph and Miss Thunderpussy exit the limo to bright flashes of cameras and cheers of excited people. The car door slams, leaving Boff sat sitting nervously opposite a beautiful young guard with a machine gun in her lap pointing at Boff. "Well, thank you for joining us, provided I don't have an accident on the way back to the airport I'll see you again next week".