The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.3 'A brush with the law'. featuring @Mavisupton / @GinaGeeJay

*The camera opens on what looks like an 80s teenagers bedroom with the sounds of Sting during his 'Police' days wafting across the room. In one corner sat on an armchair is what looks like Prince after a particularly heavy night* out (*20 years), on the other side of the room in a pair of bright pink leg-warmers and leotard is what looks like Olivia Newton-John.

Hello dear readers, knowing that this week's guest is a light-hearted soul up for a laugh I decided to spice things up by making it an 80s fancy dress themed interview for no other good reason than I look a bit like Prince's dad in a certain light. Yes, this week's guest is an all round lovely light-hearted madam, former policewoman and now author, it's our Gina in 'Mavis Upton' guise...

Hello Mavis, and thank you for joining me. First of all I must apologise, this fancy dress thing sounded like a good idea at the time. But all of the wombles decided they wanted to come as ewoks and it's caused a massive argument. Perhaps then, a good first question would be, did your police training come in handy for managing rowdy and sometimes naughty (*looks at Bungo - who's now dressed as Chesney Hawkes) children?

Good morning (afternoon/evening) my lovely Boff.  Please don't apologise for the fancy dress, it's a fabulous idea - although I was delayed a little on the train when my ears got caught in the sliding doors, (*adjusting her ample front bumper section).....somehow I don't remember Jessica Rabbit having that problem!

Mmmmm, naughty children....well my Mum used to give two verbal warnings and then a slap on the back of the legs with a wet hand.  Nothing as gentle as those Fairy Washing-up Liquid adverts of the 1950's though - it stung like hell and left a 'four-finger-one-thumb-and-a-palm' imprint on my skinny legs minus the dreamy song in the background.

I did realise very early on in my career that this sort of chastisement wasn't really allowed but found a waggy finger and a headmistressy style stare worked a treat.....but if that failed I could always resort to basic handcuffing techniques. 

.....Good answer! Well I've got an awful lot of questions I'd like to ask and we'll come to your police career in just a moment, but first of all I'd like to ask you about your childhood. Abandoned outside woollies, twice! forgot your pants to Sunday church!? It does sound like you had a fun childhood, so I'd like to ask what kind of child you were? were you a good girl/bad girl? girlie girl/tom boy? and importantly did you have a favourite toy?!

I had an amazing childhood, full of accidents, mishaps, abandonment and wonder.   

I was a very girlie girl and dreamt of becoming a famous ballet dancer one day...that's how I came to lose a shoe on the school roof.  I executed a beautiful arabesque, much to the delight of my little friends, but my shoe flew off and landed in the gutter.  I felt dreadful when the Caretaker fell off the ladder retrieving it, landing between numbers 3 and 6 on the chalked hopscotch chart fracturing his arm - but at least he still had hold of my shoe so I didn't have the inconvenience of having to hop home.

I'd like to think I was a good girl, but I can distinctly remember my Mum frequently shouting 'I'm warning you, don't do that, if you do and you fall and it kills you, don't come crying to me afterwards'.....   I never could understand how that worked! My favourite toy....now that's a blast from the past.  I think I'd have to say it was my Tiny Tears doll.  I adored her until my brother ran over her with his 3 wheel trike and stoved her face in.  That was a sad day.

that's very amusing and also sad, poor tiny tears doll, and cause you were married and a mum and then divorced, all before the call of the thin blue line. So I'd like to ask you about your time before you joined the police, what other careers did you try first? and do you have any amusing stories to tell us about that part of your life?

I did train as a dancer and had a few gigs around the Country but didn't quite make the grade as the second coming of Margot Fonteyn. My Mum was convinced that if I went to London to find fame without another skill to my name, I would be sucked into a life of debauchery and end up pictured in The News of The World, straddling a plastic chair wearing a basque.  

So, secretarial course completed, I found I could type 86 words per minute and drifted into the life of Personal Assistant to the MD of a Brassfoundry Company.   How ironic, I wanted to dance on a London stage, fling myself around lampposts and stamp in puddles waving an umbrella but instead of tap dancing I found myself counting and pricing up bath & basin taps for shipping manifestos from Portugal. 

*Boff nods in agreement and has often danced about in the rain, jumping in puddles..although this usually takes place shortly after closing time, ahem* anyway...coming now to your career in the force, what do you remember of your early days? it must have been a daunting experience? and did you get to meet Sting on the first day, or is that only after you pass probation? On a more serious note was it hard juggling police work alongside raising a young daughter too?

It was hugely daunting but incredibly exciting to be starting a new chapter in my life.  I missed my daughter terribly on the initial training, which was 15 weeks residential.  It was the first time I had been away from her but I knew that this was not only to fulfil my dream, but to give her a better life as we were really struggling financially.   It was also a huge relief to my friends and family as my levels of flatulence had reached an all time high due to the amount of baked beans I had to eat whilst eking out my pennies on housekeeping.

I was a 'mature entrant' into the Police, so whereas my colleagues had fab sounding nicknames like 'The Bear', 'Wookie', 'Popeye', 'Iron Maiden'........I was given 'Mother' or 'Private Benjamin' which sort of ruined my streetcred before I'd even got out there...! 

I spent most of my career as a single crewed uniform response officer, very exciting and challenging, sometimes scary, sometimes heartbreaking, most of the time exhausting and yet frequently incredibly funny. I had to develop a thick skin and my own way of 'working' in order to survive. Sadly I missed seeing Sting.......he was there the week before I arrived - or at least that's what Damien Froggett from Lancs Constabulary told me..!   (*winks)

....bless you that sounds like quite a challenge, but seriously as a lady officer and self-confessed 'blonde' how did the force change over the time you were there? and what was it like for a woman walking the thin blue line?

I was lucky to have joined just at a time when women were coming to the forefront of policing.  We were treated as equals with our male colleagues, our training and expectations were identical but it was also recognised that for a lot of women, our physical size and strength may not be the same, but we had our own attributes that contributed towards a modern, developing and diverse Force.

I worked a large housing estate for many years and although I am actually quite physically strong and can pack a good punch, if I had my hand on my heart, at 5'3" tall, even with all the training and new techniques, I would struggle to restrain a fully grown male on my own.  Yes we had CS and Taser, but they were not something I would automatically reach for as a first defence, for me they were an escalation defence if I felt I was physically in danger.

So, being vertically challenged and single crewed, I had to develop a sense of humour and a 'gift of the gab' .....most of the time I think I bored them into submission..!!

.....*Boff laughs* I can imagine you were quite the policewoman, I would have certainly been glad of your assistance if I'd got into trouble with one of my wombles, and did you get to go fast in cars? I do love a bit of the old 'nee-naws' myself, but as an older gentleman I had to give all that up.

Not only did I get to go in them.....they actually let me drive them..!!  My very first Fast Response vehicle was a rather battered old Ford, 0 to 30 in 8 minutes, blue light, no klaxons so you had to shout 'nee naw' out of the window, a shiatsu beaded cover for the drivers seat as the springs were buggered, a snooker cue ball drilled out for the gear stick knob and chewing gum keeping the rear view mirror in place!  I have very fond memories of Florence the Fiesta.

Over the years I did get to progress from Vauxhall Cavaliers through to a rather smart Vauxhall Insignia though! 

Now I must ask you, because I know my readers will want to know. Truncheons, do they come as a standard thing, or can you get a variety of sizes and colours? and did you write your name on yours to save it getting lost or muddled with someone elses?

(*Laughs out loud) There was a huge disparity in the size of male and female truncheons in the early days, so to speak! .  Women had much shorter ones so they could fit in their police issue handbags or the small side pocket in their skirts.  I only had one of the small wooden style ones for a few months before the side handled batons were brought in as standard for all officers.

I struggled with this style of baton when it was in the side holder because of my height.  The top used to get caught in the short sleeve of my shirt so every time I moved my left arm...I ripped the seam....which meant I always had to make sure I didn't have hairy armpits on duty!   

I eventually settled on the extendable Casco baton which was number coded eliminating the need to etch my name with a drawing pin or Tippex....

*Wellington wanders into the room dressed as zammo from GrangeHill to serve half-time oranges* *Mavis gives Wellington a playful wink and ruffles his hair*

Okay, now I'd like to ask you about your post Police Career life, firstly was it a bit of a shock being back on civvy street?

It was at first.  My body was in shock trying to get over 24 years of shift work, I missed my job dreadfully,  but most of all I missed my work-mates.  It is a very special relationship that you build up over the years. 

I was very sad to retire, but I had reached that age where although I could still climb the walls after naughty boys......I just couldn't get down on the other side.  There is simply nothing attractive in a woman in her mid fifties hanging by her  combat pants and SWAT boots from a set of railings.....so it was time to hang them up and start enjoying a normal life.

...but of cause you're not someone to rest for long and you turned to writing (Mavis' tales are captured in 'Handcuffs, Truncheon and a Primark thong'), now Gina, I wanted to ask did you find the writing easy? you certainly have a flair and ease to your character

My second granddaughter was born shortly after I retired which kept me beautifully busy, but I was itching to have some sort of direction and order in the remaining hours of the day.  I was lucky that my sense of humour was always greeted warmly at work and some of the scrapes I found myself in would often cause uproar and hilarity and they would tell me 'you should write a book when you retire'.....so I did.

I found writing about Mavis very easy and fun, I had a wealth of stories and incidents I could draw on.  The edits were difficult as the first draft is from the heart, an edit is with quite a critical eye and then the self-doubt creeps in until you get to the finished draft and you fall in love with it all over again.  The danger is to keep re-reading it because the critical eye returns so very easily.

The hardest part is getting represented.  If you set your heart on traditional Publishing, you will need Agent representation in the main, as the majority of Publishing houses will not accept unsolicited manuscripts.  

I've started my submissions to Literary Agents with my heart in the pit of my stomach.  I trawl my emails fifty times a day and have been known to seriously accost the postman on a regular basis waiting for any responses. I try and keep myself buoyant by reminding myself that some of the most amazing authors have received at least one rejection.......!  I'll start panicking when I reach twenty..!  (*Grimaces, rolls eyes and smiles)

Well our interview is almost at an end and I haven't even mentioned your outfit, I do love the pink leg warmers, and a little birdy tells me that you're something of a belly dancer too. So I'd like to ask are you whether you're a good dancer? and will we see you on strictly some time soon?

(*roars with laughter) I was ballet dancer Boff......pliés, arabesques and jetes not wobbly midriffs and thighs!   I'd like to think I was good in my heyday...I was never booed off stage, well not that I could hear over the orchestra anyway!   Somehow I don't think Strictly would appreciate a pair of SWAT boots marking their dance floor whilst I cavorted to a bit of burlesque swinging my Primark Thong  (*winks).

...and on that bomb shell that brings our interview to our close, we'll be indulging in some 80s sweeties, bagsy the fizzy cola bottles, just time for one more quick question. You've taken to the social media like a duck to water, so I wanted to ask what you've made of twitter? and do you have any amusing anecdotes to close the show.

Twitter has been amazing for helping me to promote Mavis and my book, but above all it's given me the opportunity to 'meet' some fabulous people I wouldn't normally have had the chance to know - it opens up a whole new world of socialising.  If I can, I love to follow back on both my own account and Mavis' as it a gesture that you really appreciate people taking the time to follow you.  I don't like the ones that only follow and unfollow just to make up numbers, to me, that's not what Twitter is about.

I love interacting as Mavis with her followers, it makes for a happy day and hopefully a smile, so I try to keep her lighthearted. 

When I first started on Twitter I had a serious predictive text malfunction when I sent a tweet about Mavis wheeling her testicles through a pile of autumnal leaves.....now we all know that as a child Mavis had a tricycle...!! 

...and with that our interview is at an end. Gina, the Wombles and I are off to dance the evening away to the sultry sounds of Kajagoogoo, Bronski Beat and Alison Moyet, but if you'd like to know more about Gina and the exciting tales of Mavis Upton you can find her on the web at http://ginakirkham.wordpress.com/