The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.4 - 'The one with the funny' Featuring @AhhgeeProd Part 1

*Camera opens on Boff Moatman, sitting in an armchair gently puffing on his pipe while stroking a womble* Hello! my dear hearts and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews. In what is another first for the Interviews this week we have a pre-recorded interview with none other than the lads at @Ahhgee productions. I caught up with Andy, Michael and Grax a few weeks ago backstage at an unnamed location after another hectic Ahhgee podcast as the lads warm up for the first leg of their world tour, which commences at the Edinburgh Fringe in August.

*Wellington wheels in an old fashion CRT television on a trolley, fiddles about with a TV remote the size of a cereal packet before retrieving a VHS casette from under his jacket and popping it in the video player* Lets see what they had to say for themselves at this exciting stage in their comedy careers. Also for the purpose of today's interview Mr Andy's replies will be in red, Mr Michael Bell's replies will be in blue and in a lovely sea green, matching his eyes, Grax's replies will be in Green. 

*The television flickers for a moment and then opens on a backstage dressing room, strewn with clothes and scantily clad women who keep coming in and out to collect various items. There in one corner squashed onto a two seater sofa are the three AhhGee Productions lads cooling down after a hectic live performance for the Ahhgee Podcast.*

Hello! and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews this week featuring the rather witty, rather whimsical and rather brilliant AhhGee Productions!! So lets start with some introductions, on the left is Micheal Bell *sound of Wellington pressing the front door bell* on the right the rather tanned Grax (back from Oz) and squashed in the middle is Andy. (left to right in the picture below: Andy, Grax and Michael). Thank you for inviting me backstage to one of your warm up gigs it's very exciting, and I'm honoured to be here, in what is a pivotal moment in AhhGee's comedy ensemble. 

So lets start with some questions then...I'd like to begin by asking about your impending trip to the Edinburgh Fringe, are you excited? and more importantly are you prepared?

Absolutely, we are super excited for the Edinburgh Fringe in what…. 6 weeks time?? Oh poo, we had better get started in writing something.

I was feeling totally fine about it in the planning stage, now it is actually real I am in full panic mode, I am hoping to get that out of the way, maybe have a couple more breakdowns so I am calm, ready and most importantly medically sedated throughout the fringe run so I don’t get ‘the fear’ again…..

There's a show? Plus...Why am I in the middle of these two? But I joke of course. I would say the Edinburgh show is at least several percent written. The main issue being that we get into so many funny funny scrapes that we can't write it all before arriving...

....that's wonderful, I think one of the things I've enjoyed most about the Ahhgee pod casts is the chemistry between you, so perhaps I could ask how you all met?

Andy and I are old school chums from back in the 90s. I don’t remember how we met exactly but clearly it was a good move because we’re still friends to this day and we are working on a really good thing. Michael Bell however we’ve only known for about 6 months. Andy found him abandoned on the Twitterverse like a starving puppy. Well it’s hard to say no to those puppy-dog eyes.

I think they had been grooming me for some time, my tweets (@michaelbell86) are rather brilliant who wouldn’t want that on a weekly show? It has been great and I think the chemistry is getting stronger every week like some kind of funny adhesive. Also all good shows need someone to wear band t-shirts and make niche references to unremembered 90s sitcoms.

I actually own Grax. But don't tell him that. I've got a spare too, I'm happy to sell to the highest bidder. (Gbay) Grax was one of those guys at school that you just had to know, because I was quite lonely and short sighted, he was just within squinting distance on my 3rd day, sometime in November 1993 if my memory serves me right.As for the internet's own Michael Bell, he was the third person to ever tweet the podcast, which actually was a secret competition. I just haven't told him until now. Sorry Michael. 

At this point a younger version of Debbie McGee comes in dressed like something out of a Brazilian carnival to serve the lads their rider on a silver tray. A carton of Um-Bungo each and a big bag of onion rings (based on a flavoured maize recipe). As the lads tuck into their lunch Boff decides now is perhaps a good time to get the solo interviews part of the show done.

 ...Okay, moving on I'd like to do some individual questions now. Andy starting with you, we've heard about your adventures on the 'lots of chips' dating site and the home delivery prawn cocktail flavour condoms, what do you look for in your ideal woman?

Now sir, this is no easy question. You are asking me to play god a bit and design a lovely lady of my own. Firstly, I think I would have to have an apprentice style competition to whittle it down to the final two, but with a twist. Combine it with gladiators (the TV show, not the death match up, I'm not totally brutal).You see the whole abjectrejection.com / plentyofchips.com thing is a bit of a problem in itself. After #KevinGate (episode 6), I'm a bit wary of meeting lovely ladies from the internet, firstly because I have a tendency to rename them with men's names (yes, for the protection of their honour, not sexy reasons). The other Issue is that although I've been casting the proverbial net of love, the passion sack if you will, I've had not that many bites.. Maybe I'm using the wrong bait? Perhaps I should take that photo of Bell off of my profile?!?!

I'm basically looking for a lovely fun lady with a twitter feed as a minimum, a love for comedy, some legs and someone that must enjoy breathing. I'm also keen on ladies. I like my women like my podcasts (disorganised, full of admin and based on 80% original material). 

.... that sounds fair, and in the last podcast you accidentally walked in on a BNP meeting, how was your trip here today? and have you met Weird Eric yet up on Wimbledon Common?

Yes, that was quite the eye opener. I didn't know the BNP employed a tea lady for their refreshment requirements. Also, at which point did they advertise for the role? Did they use the Job Centre? Wanted: a tea lady (or man) for one meeting a week of a secret society, must be narrow minded but with a great stirring technique?

So, how weird is weird Eric? I would say approximately as weird as that time Grax, the King and I went out for chips and came back with sixteen candles, four lions (on a shirt - must have been a cheap knock off), a penguin book (who knew they could write) and a melon. To be fair the melon came free with the chips. 

Now it's the turn of Michael Bell *Wellington pops up and bashs a triangle with his donger* or as the kids on the street are calling you Micky B. As a proud Lichfield lad can you tell us about any unusual north midlands customs?

Hang on…. Who the hell calls you “Micky B”????      Erm, that might be me... Ding?

And why the hell can’t I talk about my ideal woman???  everyone knows my best woomin is Brody Dalle but if she is not available then find someone similar please and thanks.

As for midlands phrases, I am a Burton on Trent (the land of marmite and ale) lad at heart, Lichfield is just where I accidentally bought a house after uni.  In Burton they have a wonderful tone of phrase, they also use cock as a positive expression.  Shortly after moving back to midlands, I was shocked, panicked and in a state of hilarity when I overheard a man ask several chaps ‘you got the time on you cock?’.  Duck, baps, mardy and reet are also words you will need to know if you are to survive. 

The North/Middle isn’t all that scary for you southern types honestly.  Birmingham even has a waggamamas now, course it is hilarious listening to Brummies trying to order owt but even so, I have also heard rumors of a John Lewis in Tamworth but they can’t be trusted those Tamworth lot, we are a progressive place the midlands Now if you excuse me i'm off for a cup of bovril.

...fascinating, I'd also like to ask you as a fellow beard wearer are there any specific grooming tips you could share with us? or perhaps things to avoid (I can't eat any messy food for beard hygiene reasons).

My main tip for any aspiring beard owners is wake up in the mornings and when you go to shave, don’t.  That really is the key,We could get into all kinds of beard related chatter, styles, trimming techniques, keeping it soft for ladies but we would be here for sometime and your non beard owner readers would surely commit some kind of dirty protest in rage of their lack of hairs where it counts.

*At this point the television screen pauses in that reassuring way that VHS tapes pause between frames so it looks like Andy is forever more taking the straw of his Umbungo in and out of his mouth* Well my darlings it's time for us to take a little break so that Barry Scott can flog us some more surface cleaner and half a dozen car manufacturers can try and make their automobiles look sexy by tying them into football and glamour models. Join us after the break (in roughly a weeks time) to hear more about the lads comedy aspirations and also what Grax thinks about down-under....

*Boff turns to Wellington to talk about nothing in particularly like they do at the end of the six O'clock news and screen fades to black*