The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.9 'Transatlantic' featuring @NicolePolar

The camera opens on an elderly man wearing some garish flannel pyjamas and surrounded by stuffed toys (not including the odd womble or two). Boff and the wombles are tremendously excited as today they've been invited to a pyjama sleep over. The wombles have only ever been to one sleep over before and to be fair that was more of an illegal rave in a field where a dubious Jarvis cocker look-a-like tried to sell Uncle Bulgaria some of his magic sherbet. Today's affair is far nicer and more hygienic, in fact it's the first time Boff has been in a girl's bedroom in quite a while. Sitting patiently across from Boff on a huge bed is @nicolepolar wearing her own exciting set of pyjamas.

Yes, today's interview is a sleep over! I've got a bag of marshmallows and my teddy, and more importantly today's guest has let the wombles and I into her boudoir (she'll regret that later I think), we'll be playing twister and spin the bottle in a bit but first lets get this interview underway... Hello Nicole! and thank you for inviting us to a sleep over, I hope your dog doesn't like the taste of wombles. We'll be getting to the party games in a while but first lets begin with a question to help our readers get to know you. What five words would you use to describe yourself? and what is your defining memory of your youth?

Loyal, kind, goofy, hopeful, and a nerd. There was always a lot of shenanigans. If it was my therapist asking, I would say my parents' divorce, but since you're not, I'll share a tale of shenanigans. We once lived in a house with a smaller house attached to one side of it (like a duplex). The roof of the smaller house landed right underneath a window in the room I shared with middle little (sister). We were always out on that roof. Sometimes it was in fun, but often because I had pushed my Mother just a little too far, and she was coming to whoop me. One day I said or did something awful, and she came up those stairs full sprint. Middle little and I struggled in vain to get that damn window open. As soon as we managed to get it lifted a few inches, I was trying like hell to shove her through it, and ended up putting her ass through the window. Thankfully, she was wearing jeans, so the damage to her was minimal, but that window was in pieces. I will never forget the horrified look on my Mother's face. My ass still hurts from that whooping.

Damn! sounds to me like in the case of ass versus window the judge sided with the plaintiff. I must admit growing up I got a few tanned bottoms myself. My father (the fourth Earl of Biddulph, Staffordshire) was quite strict on discipline, particularly the rule about not straying from the path while up on the moors.  Now of cause, you also have two sisters, so I wanted to ask what were you like as teenagers? were you mischievous? or well behaved? and how did your dad cope with a house full of women?

Well, if I was told to go to my room, I went. If middle little was told to go to her room, she'd leave to go to a friend's house. If little was told to go to her room, you'd have to wait for her to come home first. I think that all things considered, I was relatively well behaved. I was always in trouble for basically destroying the kitchen. I've always been obsessed with cooking and baking, and I would make these horrific messes, and sometimes completely inedible recipes, as I perfected my technique. There was once an epic game of street hockey where a pan of my brownies were used as pucks. As for my father he went fishing. A lot. Eventually my parents got a divorce.

Oh no, that's so sad, I'm so sorry to hear that. Brownies are one of the higher order of biscuits, using them ice hockey pucks is such a tragic waste, and of cause also that your parents parted, that's always difficult for families as a whole. Aside from your parents, growing up were you apart of any scenes? I myself was a Hippie, Glam rocker and new romantic (over the course of about 9 months in 1982) what about you? were there any rahrah skirts and big hair?

Not really. I mean, there were a few bad hair (and clothing) decisions in there, but I never subscribed to any particular movement. My sisters were (and continue to be) far more trendy than myself.

*At this point Wellington and Bungo come marching into the room with a copy of twister under their arms and insist we join them in a game*. Alright, okay, Nicole left hand yellow, right foot red... Now coming back to grown up Nicole, I know you're a 'Lupus Fighter', which we'll come to in a moment, but I'm a big believer that a medical condition shouldn't define the person, so I'd like to ask you what you get up to? What does a typical day include for Nicole and what passions are close to your heart?

Every day is different, because my day functions around my energy level for that day. When I have the energy, I prefer to get out of the house to do something fun, but there is always housework to do, so I try to be mindful of that too. As for passions close to my heart, I think you already know Cooking and baking. Always.

At this point Boff apes the Cookie Monster and rubs his tummy. Boff and the wombles are all big fans of cookies, or biscuits as they're called in England. The Bourbon being a big personal favourite, ripe for dunking in cups of tea on the lawn while watching the joggers go round and round... ahem... park life. ...anyway, lets not get distracted, on with the game...okay, left foot yellow, right hand blue... *mmm impressive*... Okay, so now I'd like to ask you a question about Lupus, what is it like living with Lupus? and what strategies have you developed to help make life easier?

Lupus feels like the first day after a stomach flu or a bad hangover has subsided. You feel better than you did, but still tired, achy, foggy-headed, and a little bit nauseous. In coping I've learned when to ask for help. I am still working on everything else. Haha.

*With a free hand Nicole spins the wheel - Left hand yellow left foot red. Boff squirms into position* ...Bit breathless here, does my beard count as a limb? wait that's not an interview question. Okay, I know you like your family movies, you visited the polar express with your niece and sisters (see left). I wanted to ask what's your favourite movie and why?

My favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. Always. There were many times in my life I wanted to escape to Oz by tornado or clicking my heels together three times.

*Bungo (who's wearing his TMNT onesie) spins the wheel - right hand blue,  right foot red. Boff squirms some more* Oh come on now, this is not a natural position for anyone!? never let it be said that I've let a game of twister distract me from the serious business of interviewing. So where were we? Well, that's an interesting view, ahem, sorry err. Nicole, I wanted to ask you about travel if you could visit Europe, which country would you go to and what sights would you like to see?

Why Boffy, I would like to come visit you! You would make the very best tour guide! Aside from that, I would love to go to The Louvre (in Paris, France) some day. I love art and art history. 

*Both Boff and Nicole collapse* Damn! I'm rubbish at party games, still you have to admit for a man in his 60s I'm still pretty limber. Okay, so how about a question regarding party games, what's your favourite party game and why? any amusing stories you can tell us?

Cards Against Humanity is pretty fantastic. That game makes me laugh to the point of tears. Have you ever played? It's vulgar, wrong, and delicious.

For the unanointed 'cards against humanity' is a card game for family and friends where people take turns to ask a question from a black card, and then the respondee has to choose an answer from a set of responses on a white card. The responses are suitably vulgar and wrong to bring amusement to all around. Personally I'd like to ask Wellington what he makes of Bungo's choice in Pyjamas. Before he came out this evening Bungo thought he looked well shat-plank in his teenage mutant ninja turtles onesie, but seeing him here in a girl's bedroom wearing it just makes him look a bit like a creepy intruder. Still, I digress...

Well we're almost done and I haven't asked you a wombles question yet, what do you make of them? I should apologise in advance by the way as I think they've already eaten the contents of your fridge.

Well, you know I love all animals and characters.

Well, that's the interview just about done, although we'll be staying up late here having midnight feasts (glad I brought that bag of marshmallows now the Wombles have cleaned the place out), I'd like to finish by asking you a sensible question, if you could leave us with one piece of advice to guide us through a happy life? what would it be? Mine's don't squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, because it goes everywhere.

Don't waste your life waiting for that one thing or that one person that you think is going to make your life awesome. Be your own awesome. Life waits for no one.

...and on that sage advice we'll leave you all there. Nicole, the wombles and I are going to stay up late watching the polar express and having pillow fights, provided we don't wake the neighbours and we'll see you again next week for another intrepid adventure into a twitterer's tales.