The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.6 'Agricultural pastimes' featuring @JournoLizF

This week's Moatman Interview has taken on more of a rural feeling, with our special guest inviting Boff up to her farm. Unfortunately, despite living on Wimbledon Common, Boff has learnt all he knows about farming based on old episodes of Emmerdale and the Fast Show. This explains the rather unusual choice of deer-stalker hat and monocle. For the first part of the morning Boff wandered about in the lower field waving a Shepherd's cane above his head and directly the Wombles to find anything that looked like a cow. It wasn't until our guest, Liz Falkingham, went down and rescued him that we could get things underway.

Back at the the farmhouse having been suitable refreshed with cups of tea and jam on toast the wombles are taking a nap, while Liz prepares to answer what ever random and bizarre questions Boff might have dreamed up this time.
Hello! dear friends, today myself and the Wombles are down on the farm *adjusts deer-stalker*. In truth I've not been to a farm before but today's guest has assured me that she will take good care of us. Yes, today's guest knows a thing or two about country life, it's Liz Falkingham

Hello Liz, and thank you so much for inviting me down to your farm, myself and the wombles are tremendously excited to be here. I guess working on a farm must be a lot of hard work, so I'd like to ask you first of all what does a typical day hold for you? and when do you have to get up?

I’m up at 6.45am but my husband, who is the proper farmer, usually gets up at 6am – earlier if there are cows calving. I’m not sure there is ever a typical day on a farm, particularly if you have livestock, but at the moment our cows and calves are out at grass so the day starts with checking them. Then there are some finishing bulls and the last of the calvers to be fed and bedded at the farm, before field work starts. That can be anything from cutting grass, turning and baling for silage to applying sprays or fertiliser to crops. I also run a small livery yard at the farm, plus have a PR/freelance writing business to fit in as well!

that does sound exhausting and in terms of farm animals, which is best? cows or pigs? or chickens, and are they all very noisy? Personally I once got attacked by a goose that chased me across Wimbledon Common and it was very noisy indeed!

We only have beef cattle, despite my repeated requests for some pigs and sheep! Pigs can be noisy – there’s a pig unit near here and you can hear the sows yelling for their feed at certain times of the day, and don’t even get me started on the smell… We have suckler cows – mostly Hereford and Aberdeen Angus crosses from dairy cows. We cross these with our Stabiliser bulls and then rear the resulting calves. I must admit I do love beef cattle, especially the Hereford crosses – they are gentle and inquisitive, and have a beauty all their own.

*At this point Boff decides to regale Liz with his own adventures in keeping Wombles, who can also be quite noisy and smelly, except for Madame Cholet who is always turned out immaculately* I do love a good cow but they're big buggers, I should imagine that alongside all the hard work farm life must be rewarding too. What's the best bit about being a farmer?

I never get tired of seeing calves born; it is an everyday miracle, every time. I don’t know any livestock farmer who doesn’t feel that way, despite what the animal rights’ fanatics might tell you. There’s also unmatchable joy to walking through a healthy crop on a spring day, with skylarks above you and hares bounding in front. On a sunny day on the Yorkshire Wolds, there’s no place else you could wish to be.

That does sound beautiful actually, very peaceful, in the city it's just a manic blur of people, particularly on the underground at rush hour, which is also noisy and smelly. Anyway, I digress, as a city boy I'd like to ask some questions that I'm sure my readers would love to know the answer too, so first of all do you ever get used to the country 'air' and is it genuinely better for you than city air?

Having never lived in a city, I’m not sure I can answer that objectively, although I can’t imagine car fumes are good for anyone! We live close to the coast, so on certain days there’s a salty tang in the air which is delicious. I also love the smell of freshly-mown grass at silaging time – it takes me straight back to my childhood, of course, there are other country smells which I can’t say I love – pig or chicken muck being spread would probably top that list!

... I see and what about tractors? do you have tractor races with other farmers? and do you ever take it into town when popping to the supermarket? If I did own a tractor I can think of several buildings fit for muck spreading.

Ah, tractor races! Well, not me personally, but I have heard of it happening – usually followed by reports of a load of straw bales tipped over or a severe b*llocking from the police. Most tractors don’t do much above 25mph other than ones like JCB Fastracs, so they’re not really designed for racing and, if you’re small like me, any bumps send you bouncing off the seat like a ragdoll.

Yes, I’ve stopped in town before now – usually for fish and chips when we’re working late stacking bales in the summer. Funnily enough, people tend not to argue about parking spaces when you’re driving a tractor.

Indeed, and now a topical question, how has being in the EU affected you as a farmer? do you have to make sure your bananas are EU regulation shape and size? Personally I don't mind a bendy banana so long as it still fits in my lunch box.

Most farmers will tell you the EU means red tape and regulations – which national governments either embellish further (in our case) or ignore at will (Italy and France spring to mind!) Of course, it also brings benefits – despite the furore about immigrants, large sectors of the UK farming industry would be crippled without migrant workers.

I see, and I know on your farm you run a mixture of arable and pastoral with beef cows, if you could have a new 'animal' or crop to add to the mix what would you go for? for example what about ostrich I hear they're quite popular and the eggs are massive!

The ostrich thing happened a while ago in UK farming – I wouldn’t be keen, nor on other exotics, to be honest. I do have a hankering for pigs but my husband gets a mulish expression on his face at the mere mention, so it’s not likely to happen. Money trees would be nice – know where I can get any saplings?

*Boff laughs out loud* When Wellington was quite young and less streetwise he did ask whether it was true that money grew on trees, something he'd overheard the grown-ups saying. Uncle Bulgaria being a scamp said 'oh yes' of cause, we have an orchard of money trees just across the common. It did however back fire when Uncle Bulgaria discovered the money jar (*actually it's the swear jar, because Bungo is a foul mouthed little so and so) missing, and then found Wellington in the backgarden burying handfuls of small change in the hope that it could start his own orchard of money trees. 

Now tell me, after all of that hard work what does a country lass like yourself do to unwind of an evening?

I have a gundog puppy I’m training at the moment, so I do some work with her. I’m also chief homework helper for my son, so there’s usually a stint sat round the kitchen table. Other than that, you can’t beat a soak in a hot bath with a glass of wine and a good book. Anything else I get up to isn’t fit for print, I’m afraid.

*Hahah must be the country air!* so what advice would you give to any budding young farmers thinking of getting into the farming industry?

Don’t be put off by outdated ideas of what farming is all about – in the UK, agriculture is a high tech, forward-thinking industry with lots of opportunities for young people. Getting your own farm is very challenging, there’s no doubt, but there will always be jobs for those who want to work on the land or in one of the many ancillary industries. You don’t have to come from a farming background either – we had an apprentice who came to us from working in a care home; he had literally never been on a farm, but by the end of his time with us, he was driving tractors, calving cows and participating fully.

Thank you Liz, I think that's a wonderful message, as a city boy myself I've already learnt so much today, and not even a Dingle in sight, which is a bit of a relief actually. Well it's been a lovely day and we've had a chance to see some real sights and sounds, so thank you again for showing us around. We have just enough time to ask one final question before we wrap up today's interview, so I would like to ask you do you think a Womble would make a good stable hand for your farm?

Hey, if you can hold a brush, there’s always straw to be swept up. In fact, if you step this way, I’ve got just the job for you….

.....and with that today's interview comes to a close, hopefully Liz won't work Boff and the Wombles too hard, although some of them could do with some toughening up, and to burn off all the jam and toast they got through earlier.