As the old gent continues to stare at his own reflection a pair of well manicured female hands appear, gently running their fingers over his thread bare cranium. "oh darling, I'm so glad you've given me the opportunity to do this" she says, before adding "you're face is like a blank canvass, I can't wait to jazz it up a bit. That beard is crying out for some attention" Boff ruffles his eyebrows into a frown, "when you say Jazz it up a bit, what exactly does that entail? you're not going to make me look like a prat are you?" says Boff. The out of shot lady lets out a gasp of exasperation before gently slapping the top of Boff's head "naughty boy" she exclaims, "as if I would make you look anything less than magnificent"
The lady then moves round to sit next to Boff, resting her chin on her hand, while running her fingers through Boff's beard with the other hand. "Your beard is lovely and soft though, perhaps some butterfly clips and a tint" she ponders. Boff blushes, before realising the cameras are on and then at a jolt turns to the camera, "Hail, fellows! I'm once more back in Northern Ireland to host today's interview with our resident glamour puss and vixen, yes, today's guest is Sam Mercer", Sam takes a sip of tea from a large mug and finger waves to the camera. "So what are we doing today then Boff?" asks Sam, "I've got some nice hats you could try on, or I could give you a head scarf if you think you could pull it off?" "Well, I was planning on asking you some questions" replies Boff. "Okay, you ask your questions and I'll see what I can find" says Sam as she gets up to rummage through a box of accessories.
Okay, that's fine, but nothing that covers my ears, they're very sensitive. So I like to begin these with an ice breaker so those out there can get to know you. So if you came with a set of instructions, what would they be? and why?
*Sam puts a mascara pencil to her lips, and ponders* Hmmm, well, to get the best from this girl you should feed and water regularly with Italian cuisine and Gin (especially the gin), make her laugh till her ribs hurt, then wind her up and watch her go , where she stops nobody knows.
"Do I make you laugh?", enquires Boff shyly. "Oh heaps, darling" replies Sam has she forcefully pulls down a top hat onto Boffs head, slapping the top of it firmly. Hmmm she says, makes you look a bit funerally, before whipping the hat off again. "aggghh me ears!" cries Boff. "Don't make a fuss Boff, honestly" says Sam kissing the top of Boff's ears, before delving into a bag full of feather boas.
So I know you love your make up, fashion and accessories, I wanted to ask what life was like growing up as a kid. Were you a girlie girl?
Actually, I wasn't really a girly girl Boff, I had 3 younger brother and plus all the kids in the neighbourhood were boyish, so I was a bit of a tomboy, donning for the most part a rather fabulous pair of spray on velveteen shorts, Micky Mouse T-shirt and converse, bombing round on my chopper and getting into mischief. It's a strong look, even now I think back on those days, and the local police were impressed by my style. They didn't say as much, but I could tell they wished they could rock out a Micky Mouse T-shirt.
*Sam wraps a pink feather boa around Boff's neck, and adds a big pair of star shaped sunglasses. "hmmm, too Elton John", she says, "don't worry we'll find something that works for you", "Oooooh! I've got just the thing" she says, as she dashes off into a little room off the dressing room.
Boff shouts after Sam, and aside from fashion successes, have there been any particular fashion faux pas you can share with us? did you go through the ra-ra skirt phase? I know I did.
*Boff does a zips mouth and throws away key gesture* Now, my darling, I also I think one of the things I love most about you is your positivity, the fearless way in which your approach life, do you have any particular secrets for a happy life?
Well, on a very serious note, I had a life changing event 3 years ago and while I probably for the most part was quite positive about it; It really reinforced that old saying 'you only get one chance' so therefore I embrace life and everything that comes my way, and even though I know that is not always possible, I do try and be in the moment, deep I know right?
Very, but in a way, I think that makes me respect you even more. Now, off the serious and back to the silly, you're known for being a bit of a tearaway as we already mentioned, what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done, and for god sake don't say running through a wheat field?!
Well, I've done many many naughty things, but probably the worst was when I was 16 and a trainee hairdresser, the girl I worked with was thoroughly obnoxious on a regular basis, so one day when I was having my lunch, I decided to cut off a few pubes (in the days when I had them) and put them in her cheese sandwich and then watched her eat it is that too naughty ?
*Boff goes pale* "Is that a yes Boff?", laughs Sam. "Now, are you ready, this is one of a kind, crafted by own nimble fingers?" Boff furrows his eyebrows, as Sam gentle places one hand over his eyes, when she removes it, a pretty black and white dalmatian spot bow-tie is nestled in Boff's beard. "Oh, I quite like that" he says. *Sam claps her hands with happy glee* "I knew you'd like it" says Sam. "Now we just need a wig made from real pubes", she continues without a hint of sarcasm
Hmmm not sure about that, anyway we can't do an interview like this without asking some questions about men! god men, they get everywhere don't they. So being the glamourous and alluring lady that you are, I'm sure you've had your share of creeps come up to you on a night out, I wanted to ask what's your best put down?
I say this on a regular basis "darling, I would destroy with a mere bat of my eyelashes let alone anything else"
*Sam beams a wide smile*
...and equally what's the biggest turn on and turn off in a man? and why?
Biggest turn off would be someone who was arrogant, cock sure and teeth like a bag of chips biggest turn on without a doubt is humour, followed by someone who is comfortable in their own skin
"Teeth like a bag of chips?! Christ on a bike! I'm quite comfortable in my own skin you know, suggests Boff". "You'd look better with that pube wig, Boff" replies Sam. *Boff cringes his face* Okay, Okay, enough about men, what about friends, you have a great set of female friends, what's your favourite girls night in indulgence?
Hahaha, talking of friends, we also had your mate Kachela (Murray) on a few series back, where we went camping. How are you with the great outdoors as it were?
I love the outdoors, in fact for many years I took the kids camping, the only down side is the toilet facilities, which is not good for me as I am a touch OCD around such things, but I do love a good forest.
Ah indeed, sprogs! how have we made it to question 10 without mentioning children? As a yummy mummy, I wanted to ask you what have your children learnt from you? Have you given them some of your daring do?!
The biggest thing for me is raising and teaching my children to be comfortable with who they are, to be honest, even when its uncomfortable, treat people with respect and finally live life to the full bizarrely they are relatively quiet and constantly embarrassed by my antics.
hahah indeed, well you are larger than life my love. So I also a question about St George's market, how do you keep the other traders on their toes? are you a scamp at work too?
I keep my fellow traders on their toes because I'm a cheeky rascal and they know it but I believe it keeps you young. You've got to make the most of any situation Boff, whether it's selling your wears on a market, or razzing around the neighbourhood in your favourite Micky Mouse T-shirt.
Amen to that! I couldn't have put it better myself. So, final question then, who's your pin-up idol and why?
my idol is the one and only Bettie Page, first girl of pinup, regardless of the taboo nature of what she was doing she went forth with passion, tits out and proud.
"Well, what a way to end an interview, I couldn't have put it better" says Boff. "awww is all over" says Sam, sneaking an arm into a nearby wardobe. "Fraid so, join us next week for our series finale" says Boff with a serious face, just as Sam places a hairy looking beret on his head. "What's that?" says Boff with genuinely look of terror. "Pube wig" says Sam, before adding "boom, now we're done".
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