The Moatman Interviews -S6- No.1 "Bargain of the week" ft @Olafzwyzt

The cameras open on a cluttered office with a low polystyrene tiled ceiling. At one side of the room are large boxes stacked all the way to the ceiling with strange European names printed on them. Across the back of the room are a row of horizontal windows at shoulder height, letting in an artificial yellow light which streaks across the whole room; dust particles dancing in the air to the yellowy glow. Panning right from the boxes we first pass a water cooler with a picture of a duck on it, coming next to a desk covered in folders, pen holders, and other stationary. The camera pauses momentarily on a plastic duck-like creature which is perpetually bobbing back and forward to drink from a small clear bucket. The cameras continue their pan right coming to a faux mahogany veneered door with a large window in the upper half and what looks like a hole kicked into one corner at the bottom.

Sat bolt upright at the desk is today's guest. Our host has yet to arrive, but this doesn't deter our guest who's poised ready to respond, stopping momentarily to adjust his name badge and straighten his glasses. He looks over his shoulder out of the same set of horizontal windows, which reveals that the office is situated above a large supermarket, the tops of the aisles clearly visible, happy shoppers going up and down. He pauses a moment to enjoy the scene and then returns to face forward, tapping the duck-like creature on the head to make it bob faster, and drumming his fingers on the desk.

Finally at last our host comes blustering into the office, apologising for being late and complaining that the cryogenics haven't worn off yet. Yes, here he is, Boff Moatman. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he exclaims, "do you know it's been over a year since the last set of Moatman Interviews? when a series ends people think I go off on holiday sunning myself, but they can't take the risk at my age, I've spent the last 12 months in a freezer in Dagenham, I thought I might never see daylight again". "Ahem, sorry dear readers, so here we are a brand new series of the Moatman Interviews, new me, and new guest, and what better place to start. I'm here in Romford today, at the home of the UK's fastest rising premier supermarket chain. Yes, today's guest is none other than super-market manager and entrepreneur Olaf Zwyzt. *Olaf rises from the desk to give Boff a firm 'Macron' style handshake and welcome him to home of shopping at UK BIBL*. "oooh you're a strong one, do you work out?" "That doesn't count as an interview question, I haven't started yet".

Okay, so I like to start an interview by giving our readers a chance to get to know our guest. So I'd like to begin by asking you what your dreams were when you were a little boy? what did you want to be when you grew up?

As a little boy, I dreamed of being a superhero. My childhood hero was WonderMan, and my uncle, Typhus, would send me video tapes of WonderMan that he recorded from the TV in Estonia. I could just about work out what was going on from the little Estonian language that my mother taught me but his heroic adventures were an inspiration and I would act them out in our back garden wearing the trademark orange and green outfit that my mother made for me. I knew I could never actually BE WonderMan but I dreamed of being a role model that the younger generation could look up to and aspire to. I hope that in some small way, I have reached that goal and for some of my staff, I am a mentor and, dare I say? A hero.

"oh my dear friend" says Boff, "I'm sure that they do, the Herculean rise of BIBL has largely been by your own fair hands." It's been a fantastic and dramatic rise to fame but of course you're still a young man even now. So I'm sure my readers will be interested to know how did you manage to find yourself on these fair shores, staring up at the mighty shop front of UK BIBL?

I may not look it, but I am almost 23 years old. Many do not realise it but I was born and raised here in Romford, only a half mile from this very store. Did you see Specsavers as you turned into the car park? The road opposite there, number 58. My parents still live there. My mother is from Estonia and my father from Belarus. Neither of them has very good English. As my name and face are somewhat unusual, I was bullied a great deal at school, so my parents chose to home school me. The result of this was that I had very poor English and few job prospects. Fortunately, my uncle Typhus, is Head of International Expansion for BIBL and he gave me the opportunity to head up the team of the first BIBL store in the UK, right on my own doorstep. That was back when I was 20, and it seems like a lifetime ago now.

Ahhh yes, the heady summer days of 2014, when the clean bandits were blasting out their hit 'rather be', and Freddo frogs still cost just 20p. It seems so long ago now. You know a pint of beer back then only cost £3.50, I know, it's extortionate these days, how much does some hops and water cost for goodness sake. So perhaps if we could wind the clock back all the way to when it started on an early spring morning in 2014. Can you tell us what were those early days like? you've had a big hand in helping the store grow, did they listen to your shrewd business advice?

When we opened this store in 2014, BIBL was far from the household name that it is in several UK households today. In the early days, many of our customers were people who were killing time waiting for Halfords to open. But those people told their friends and family about us and many returned to show their friends, pointing at all of our great deals with such fantastic smiles on their faces. It gives me great pleasure to see people so enthused by our range of products. I think that’s the secret to our success: you simply can’t get the things we sell anywhere else. It is this uniqueness about BIBL that has allowed us to expand into the garden centre business in Trowbridge, opposite the biggest garden centre in the United Kingdom, and to open a second thriving BIBL store in Wakefield, next to Topps Tiles. I have been responsible for scouting out the locations here in the UK and I believe I have chosen locations within thriving towns and cities that people flock to from miles around. I enjoy a lot of autonomy though every decision is closely monitored by the senior management at BIBL HQ. 

I can well imagine, how do you go about explaining the majesty of a town like Wakefield to a tycoon exec sat in his shiny office gazing over his decaff at the mighty Pirita river as it empties into the bay at Tallinn. Now of course you didn't become store-manager overnight, I presume you had to work your way up? What's the worst job you've done while working for UK BIBL?

No, I actually did become store manager overnight, but in those early days I had to do all of the hard work myself, as my staff were as new as I was. So, I would regularly be found in the in-store bakery making bacon bread in our ovens. I am not afraid of hard work. I think the worst job at BIBL, which I had to do several times after Kevin left us and before we hired Dean, is collecting the trolleys. Some customers bring their own but those that don’t often take ours home with them and tracking them down can be a challenge, especially if you have to bring the trolley back on the bus.

Ah yes, I can sympathise there. There's a special kind of shame trying to take a shopping trolley on the bus, particularly if it's loaded with a week's shopping. Not that I have ever taken one of BIBL's trolleys home with me. I wouldn't do that sort of thing, but I, err, do have friends who have done something like that. I can also imagine rescuing the trolleys from the various rivers around Romford was a challenge. The handy BIBL sticky-back waders must have come in handy. But those days are behind you now, so as store manager, do you get to interact with the customers much? what do they make of the store?

While I do still spend many of my days in store, either here in Romford or at one of the other two sites, I am now the General Manager of BIBL, so I actually get more time to wander the shopfloor and thanks to my near celebrity status, I am often approached by customers who want to say hi or have their picture taken. I am always happy to help to so if someone is looking for sugar-free toilet descaler or a frisbee hook, I will always show them precisely where to find them. Our customers are very loyal and I am very loyal to my customers. People love the personal touch and I love to touch them personally.

Indeed, I have heard that actually. I think it's the main reason my friend big Bess shops at BIBL. She's not so clever on her legs anymore, but come rain or shine, every Thursday she gathers up her bags and heads directly for your place. Ahem, anyway, talking of Bess what's the strangest request you've had from a customer since you've become store manager?

When we launched the Bath Captain upright bathtub, I did a promotional stunt where I donned the Bath Captain hat and some swimming trunks and demonstrated the product in-store. One lady mistakenly thought that I was the Bath Captain and that I would be accompanying her home. She was not an unattractive lady but, as a professional retail manager, I could not satisfy her that day. 

Ah. That may have been Big Bess actually, I'm sorry about that Olaf, she lacks self-control. But what she lacks in self-restraint she makes up for with her range of cooking apparel. it's a long story, trust me. Ahem so of course BIBL is know for its many innovations. My personal favourite is Chinwank, which helps keep me fresh all day. But do you have a personal favourite?

I have seen hundreds of deals come through our doors and I am proud to have been able to bring a whole host of WonderMan films and merchandise to the UK market but I think my personal favourite product would have to be the karaoke rotisserie. It is the ultimate summer party accessory. Who doesn’t love kebabs and singing? 

I know for one that I do, so long as you keep my little companions away from the mike. They are known for the filthy language you know, even if you wouldn't expect it to look at them. Suffice to say that my Rick Astley CD is ruined. I can never listen to the Astley ever again, awful, just awful. Lets move on to another topic. BIBL is a rising star in the UK supermarket business but with your array of wonderful innovations the competition must be tough, how do you keep finding these wonderful items to stay ahead of the competition?

Trying to compete with other supermarkets is indeed a struggle and as I said earlier, it is our unique range of products that sets us apart. BIBL has a very large range of products in its catalogue and around 90% of them can be legally sold and imported into the UK. It is down to me to choose the products that I believe will sell well to the UK market. I also invite customers to suggest products that they would like to see on the shelf, and if I can source it, I will get it for them. Not many of our competitors would go to such lengths to please their customers.

Absolutely, I think its those personal touches that really set BIBL apart from the competition, but all the same that's a lot of work. It must be very stressful? How do you unwind after a day's work?

BIBL’s opening hours are 2am until midnight which can be a very long working day if you are on a full time contract. On the occasions that I get some time to myself, I like to put my feet up and watch the QVC channel. Some of the products they have on there are ludicrous!

Hahahaha well it does help to keep an eye on the competition I suppose. QVC aren't really in the same league, but it's good to know that you're always thinking about these things. So, then another point, as store manager, i'm sure your staff must look up to you as a (very young) father figure. How do you maintain morale with the staff? do you do much team building

Staff morale at BIBL is something I put a great deal of effort into. I like to think of us as one big family. Our Romford store manager, Felix, is the cousin of Birta on checkout 4 and my nephew, Sigmund, is married to Birta’s sister, Len, so in a way we are already one big family. It is still important to maintain a strong team spirit and to this end we hold an annual BIBL Survival week in the New Forest, where we are each given a compass, a map and a copy of the Jürgen Gurllz survival handbook (£4.64 with free antibacterial tongs) and have to make our way to the nearest hospital to meet with the rest of the team. Last year I was given a map of the Dordogne and still managed to make it to the hospital first. Dean was found two weeks later living with a tinker in Staines. It’s a really challenging time but it makes us really value the time we spend working with eachother. Dean is still in touch with the tinker, so it helps with our networking skills too.

Ah, the New Forest can be a treacherous place. When you find yourself stood outside Sandy Balls with only a sausage roll to your name, it can get pretty real, pretty fast, I can tell you sir!

So, Romford was just the start, BIBL stores are popping up all over the UK. what career advancement plans do you have? where will Olaf be in 5 years time?

I have dreams of expanding BIBL across the whole of the UK by 2025 and BIBL HQ are keen to see that happen too. They have some major concerns about import/export after Brexit but Dean’s dad says he knows a guy with a bread van and a friend on the customs team at Dover, so we might be okay. I would hope that in five years time, I will be in the role of BIBL European Local Liaison and Enhanced Network Developer overseeing the expansion of BIBL throughout European and the UK markets.

Wait, that acronym spells out, actually nevermind, well, our interview is almost at an end, but I couldn't come all this way without sampling the local culture. What are the best things to see and do in Romford while I'm here?

Obviously, you need to shop at BIBL but when you’re done there, maybe a trip to Rollerbowl. It’s a bowling and laserquest venue but they don’t allow rollerskates which is pretty confusing. Nice chips though.

Boff thanks Olaf for a wonderful interview and asks him if he can guide Boff to where the menthol variety of Chinwank is stored. As ever, our gentle host is more than happy to oblige and gets up from his desk. "Well dear friends, that's the first one over and done, but plenty more to come yet. stay tuned for more this time next week."