The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.6 'The life and times of a former green rage monster' ft @Halksmush

The Camera opens on a spacious conservatory with white patio garden furniture. Looking out from the conservatory is a neatly kept green lawn with a rabbit sitting peacefully nibbling some grass. Sitting at the circular conservatory table is an elderly gentlemen wearing what looks like a tea cosy on his head. It's a face that we recognise well from numerous Moatman Interviews, so numerous in fact that this is the 50th Moatman interview today. "Gosh" says Boff when he's told this, before expanding further to say "I didn't even realise that I knew 50 people..."

A few seconds later today's guest enters the conservatory carry two cups of tea and a small cake on a tray, which he places on the table next to Boff. "phew, it's a bit warm in here isn't Boff, do you want me to open some windows" he asks. "I was quite enjoying the warmth, its been so cold of late" replies Boff, as today's guest takes his seat and proceeds to cut himself a wedge of cake. It really is quite a refined little set-up you have here.

"So then!" exclaims Boff, "onward!" "Today, is a very special day as it is indeed my 50th Moatman interview, and I can't tell you how happy I am that today's guest agreed to take part. An old friend of ours who's been around since the start and brings his own sense of random and silliness to the Twitterverse. He's a former green rage monster who has since sort calmer pursuits, and today helps keep us all on our toes with his vast experience of hero-ing type stuff. Yes, today's guest is our very own Halksmush. *Boff raises his tea cup to Smush with a smile*

Smush straightens his hair with his hands and adjusts the lapels of his tweed waistcoat, pulling the T-shirt underneath down to remove any creases. On reflection, Smush seems a quiet fellow, his days of racucous chaos somehow behind him and a new zen calm palable from his demeanour. So I wanted to begin by asking when did you first realise that you could turn into a huge green rage monster??

Smush begins by refuting the claims that he gets his powers from eating a banana. Although he does endorse bananas as a healthy source of potassium. No, he got his powers by accident on night when trying to interface with his computer. Instead of making the Kelly Le Brock girlfriend he'd hoped for, the electric surging through him created the wild green breast. He was so cross that he smashed his SEGA Megadrive. After pausing for a moment and wistfully looking out at the lawn he shrugs and simply says "Anger gets the washing up done sometimes. it's useful when bottled".

Boff nods and agrees, and washing up liquid is green too. I bet that's not a coincidence. "May I have a slice of your cake" asks Boff "oh of cause" replies Smush slicing a wedge of cake and reaching for a small serving saucer. Boff continues "and to begin with, you found it a struggle to control your new powers, the incident in Bejams being a particular low. Can you tell us about those early heady days?"

Well Boff, I met ex-Bristol City and Scotish footballer Joe Jordan outside Bejams, completely by chance you understand. I don't normally frequent with such types. Anyway my dog didn't like him and started barking. Joe took offence to this and started swearing at the pair of us, I had no idea what he was saying but he prodded me with his finger and said something about dog and sunny Jim. Complete wanker to be honest, but that's when the savage beast came upon me. I'm not proud of what happened next, I'm not a violent man Boff.

I think that's entirely justified to be fair, no one likes being prodded outside Bejams, well, except for my Auntie Mandy, but she doesn't count to be honest. Another question I had was around wardrobe, did you get through a lot of clothes? any particular embarrassing moments when the stretchy trousers didn't quite stretch enough if get my gist?

I must admit I do get through a lot of boxer shorts Boff. I often wonder if it's even worth bothering with underwear at all sometimes. When you do the cost of washing versus just buying Asda pants once a week. I suppose on the flipside of the coin it does save on laundry detergent doesn't it. I should also say that I take my responsibilities seriously, thus far *touches wood* there haven't been any unfortunate boys out of the barracks moments when I've transformed.

Wow, Asda pants are alot more sturdy and forgiving than I had realised. That's marvellous to hear, now I know you're kind of shy about talking about your hero days, but you did get into the hero-ing after a bit, and joined a sort of team, so i wanted to ask what was your most proud moment from those days?

Smush pauses at this moment, looking down and smiling to himself as if recalling some glorious adventure from his past. He gives a little sigh and then says "I once won a chlli eating and vodka drinking contest against a biker the size of a mountain. Proud day, Proud day".

I see, so not all those people you saved?

or the time the Russian nuclear sub went haywire and you dived to a depth of 15,000ft to free it's propellers, and bring it back to the surface? "Nope" says Smush, "Definitely the Chilli, the guy was huge Boff". before adding "I did once climb into the Blue Peter garden for a laugh, it sort of didn't go as well as I had planned, but that was pretty cool too". Wait, wasn't that John Fashanu? oh my god! Best move swiftly on, err you soon went solo again, can you tell us what caused the split and how it was like coping on your own?

This particular question seemed to tug on Smush's heart strings more than the others, for a moment he clams up and tells Boff that he doesn't like to talk about it. Clearly even after all
these years the super hero rift thing has still causes him some pain. The President said at the time he was suprised by the sudden split and hadn't realised that Halksmush was quite such a big fan of Star Wars, probing a little further Smush looks glumly into his tea and simply says "Han solo dies" a cryptic answer, but perhaps eluding to the rumours that the rest of his team didn't respect the 'no spoilers' rule, particularly Future boy who had already seen all nine Star Wars films by 1992.

"ahh sad times" says Boff, also pausing for a moment, and you've since reformed and given up your green rage monster days, what was the motivation behind that?

Well Boff, I have a beautiful face and it was extremely selfish of me to deny the ladies of Twitter the chance to longingly gaze upon my pretty face. I hope you understand that I am a giver. I couldn't hide behind that green mask forever. Now the people of Twitter can gaze upon me in my true and final form. I've evolved Boff, it was time to grow up.

N'awwww that's beautiful Smush, and I must admit you do seem much calmer and happier for it. You look years younger infact, so perhaps we could ask then have you developed any particular techniques to help stay calm?

At this Smush seems to perk up a bit after the superhero question. He smiles and becomes more animated explaining how he likes to shout at inanimate objects or things happening on TV. There's nothing more relaxing and enjoyable than shouting at Gregg Wallace's face as he slurps some poor sods cooking creation. "Piss off you smug bald twat!" I shout, it's excellent Boff, you really should try it. I also make a concerted effort to stay away from buses pre 9am. That's just the way it is.

I see, and a little birdy also tells me that you've taken up drawing as a way to help maintain your calm and avoid any unnecessary agitation, so I wanted to ask I know you've taken up drawing super heroes mainly, how's that working out? and have you sorted out the bulge on the webbed heros pants?

Smush admits that he has taken up drawing but still finds it a struggle, there's certain elements of the superhero design that he hasn't quite perfected yet. He then gets up and goes inside to fetch his sketching book to show Boff exactly what he means. Returning momentarily he hands Boff a crude sketch of what looks like a deformed Spiderman(tm) with a massive trouser bulge and enormous head. Errr his head is quite big isn't it? asks Boff, "Yeah, it's quite difficult to fit all the stuff inside", replies Smush, "sorry the cock went a bit wrong as well, that bit is a work in progress" I see, I just thought he was really excited about his day's heroing or something replies Boff.

That's great mate, says Boff, the drawing is really coming along, so then what does the future hold for our dear Smush? and what have you been getting up to since your hero days?

"I am going to run for King and declare war on Luxembourg, purely because Luxembourg scored me 100 points on the Pointless board game last Christmas", Says Smush before laughing, "I'm only kidding Boff, I'm just taking it easy at the moment and seeing where life leads, sometimes its better not to make too many plans"

I see, and no calls from the President then? not even in an honorary fashion? what a bastard, but of cause you still have an adventurous heart, every day is a new thrill, so what have you been up to this week for example?

"Whisky".

Boff sits for a moment and waits for Smush to expand upon his answer, then realising that Smush isn't going to say more he eyes Smush quizzically. Smush responds by pulling a goofy face back, for a full two minutes the two men sit staring at eachother locked in some kind of perculiar face-off. Then Boff snapping back to his senses says, "Whisky" that's your answer is it. "It's what I've been doing Boff" smiles Smush, before they both laugh. well you're quickly becoming a legend of the Twitterverse, what has your twitter journery been like? how would you describe it to a friend?

Again this is another question that brings a big smile to Smush's face, "ahh Boff, Twitter is brilliant, I no longer ever walk alone anymore" Boff and Smush then talk about the firm friends they've made on Twitter and the joy of being woken to a friendly message, or general insult. It can be hard to tell sometimes, but it's all done in the spirit of love my friend.

hahaha, I couldn't have put it better myself, well my dear friend, we're pretty much at the end of our interview, although of cause when the cameras stop rolling we can take a proper look at these drawings of yours, I wanted to ask what advice you have for me? I've done 50 of these buggers now, where do I go from here?

Hmmmm a very good question, well I can't help much with interviews, but I would advise never lick a battery to test its power and always remember that when your'e down or even at your lowest ebb, there will always be me or someone offering you a hand or a backy on my BMX.

n'awww mate, that's a lovely thing to say, thank you, and with that our interview is at a close and Smush and Boff go off to get some paper and pencils to pen a new super hero comic of their own.