The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.9 'In bed with the Bishops' featuring @oldladybishop

The camera opens staring out of a bedroom window at the lush wilds of Canada, before panning back across the room, the smart bedroom wallpaper, and family photos hanging on said walls, before coming to rest on a large king size bed. Sat in the bed are three senior occupants wearing smart flannelette pyjamas, with the hairy one in the middle and sat either side a woman and a man, like some kind of sequel to Rita, Sue and Bob too, only with two boys this time...

Hello my darlings! Calls Boff, and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews, where this week we're in bed with the Bishops! I can tell you my producers were rather pleased with themselves when they came up with this idea and thought themselves very Louis Theroux. All I can tell you is that it's quite warm in here, although if I had to share a bed with any Twitter couple it would definitely be these two!

So then, introductions! the rather dashing dame to my left is Janet, a painter and animal lover, and the rugged gent to my right is Bob, who recently celebrated his birthday, and in the middle is me, the bloke with the beard and lavender sunglasses, 'is that beard real Boff' asks Janet, 'it looks stuck on from here', 'oh my darling, I can assure that I am 100% real, except for the bits that aren't but less about that', so then, seeing as the three of us are here, I think we should have a cup of tea, that probably a good place to start *Janet has to get out of bed to fetch a tray from off-screen before returning*, so then I guess I'd like to begin by asking how did you two meet? was it love at first sight? 

I was besotted with her the first time I met her; she was completely mad but exciting, in a good way says Bob. We actually met through a mutual friend explains Mrs B, I think my mate was rather annoyed that Mr B liked me better than her, but then who can blame him, after all he is my soul mate, and only human. 

*Mr B chuckles, and whispers something in Boffs ear*, My goodness you really are the rugged gent you appear. So you whisked her off her feet did you? *Janet tugs at  Boff's pyjama sleeve, Mr B was the perfect Gentleman Boff, don't you be leading him astray now! Ahem, quite, so anyway what about your wedding day? what was that like? and where did you go on Honeymoon? was it an intrepid adventure?

We were married in an office; the two of us went to Burger King for lunch; splurged on onion rings; then walked around the local mall; spent our honeymoon in Halifax over Christmas; everything closed. It was quiet but peaceful, quite a lovely time really.

You had your wedding reception in Burger King? To be honest I think that's exactly how Bungo would do it, that's assuming he could find a woman womble that would have him. He does have a bit of a thing going with this squirrel, but it's mostly plutonic to be honest. *Mr B just stares at Boff trying to tell whether Boff is pulling his leg* No really, it's true, squirrels, no accounting for taste eh. *Mrs B then injects by pouring cups of tea and passing each one down the line*

I also wanted to ask you about what adventures you've been on over the years, you're quite the dramatic couple, very hart to hart if you don't mind me saying?

To be honest Boff, Mr B gave up flying shortly after we got married.

I never knew Mr B was a pilot, interjects Boff,

He isn't? I meant he gave up flying as a passenger after we got married, I think he's suspicious that I've got the 'gift' you know.

Gift? Boff turns to Mr B who is busy dunking biscuits in his tea and doing a fantastic job of ignoring Boff's questioning, I see replies Boff. 

We did tour civil war battle sites in the US which was both very interesting and very sad, war is a terrible thing Boff. *Mrs B eyes Boff keenly waiting for a response*

So errr anyway, lovely tea by the way Mrs B, says Boff, please call me Janet replies Mrs B, well perhaps another question then, after more than three decades of marriage I wanted to ask what's the secret to a long and happy marriage?

Memory failure, replies Mrs B. *This makes Mr B chuckle, taking a break from his tea he chirps in* ...and a good sense of humour, she makes me laugh Boff.

N'awwww you two, you'll make me well up, says Boff, Now, Janet, I also wanted to ask you about your painting, what kind of style would you say you have? and what inspires you to paint?

I like to paint strange buildings and landscapes in bright acrylics; inspired by Poe and Lovecraft, I'll show you some of work when you finish your tea Boff, but do please be careful you're spilling it on the bed spread.

Boff now chirps in, once my friend and I @Mark_brown74, ate some of these out of date space raiders and it made us both hallucinate these giant blue martians that had come to kill us, and we had to hide inside this giant orange with insects, horrible it was. When we woke up we were in the same sleeping bag and the toilet cubes were missing from the urinal, but he made me promise never to talk about it.

I think you just did, Replies Mrs B, having to put one leg out of the bed because she's getting too hot.

Oh, replies Boff, we'll edit that bit, so you're also quite the adept musician too, not many people can play the harp, so what inspired you to learn that instrument in particular?

My shrink had a harp he was trying to flog, to be honest I think he was just relieved it went to a good home. I just thought it might be useful to prop the door open, but it does make some beautiful sounds when played correctly.

Well, not everyone's musical to be fair, wait, did you say Shrink? *Mrs B is looking at Boff with the same keen eyes again* How old are you really Boff? you don't look much like a pensioner to me...

I get through a lot of olay replies Boff, trying to divert the question, I wanted to ask you a couple of Canada related questions, coming from a country where three inches of snow is enough to cause the entire transport infrastructure to grind to a halt, I wanted to ask how you deal with proper snow? I mean actual large amounts of snow, not what we get on the Common?

Hire snowplows and shovellers, use snow tires, pray that the town plow doesn't block you back in, try and drive the car enough to save the battery, stay inside and go slowly mad. It does get cold Boff, so very cold, I'm just grateful I'm not in here on my own.

That sounds dreadful, this like some kind of Simpsons, Mr Burns and Homer trapped in the lodge after the avalanche type thing.

It's not that bad really Boff, but you Europeans shouldn't complain about a little snow, not until you've tried Canada snow at least.

Indeed!  and on that note I also wanted to ask what Canadians make of us Europeans, do you think we're all mad? and how does Canada differ from America?

We think Europeans are all rich and wear tiaras. Canadians don't have as many guns as Americans and we are supposed to be more polite; not nearly as religious and we don't eat fried things on sticks.

But I like fried things on sticks, maybe not eggs, but as a general rule. hmmm I also wanted to ask about Bob's birthday (Bob recently turned 80), what did he make of his surprise avalanche of Twitter related birthday cards? and did he enjoy the day?

It took a while for him to understand why all these people he didn't know were sending him cards, but he caught on after the first 100. He had a wonderful time at his birthday party, even though he had requested that his present be permission to skip the party. Really? I don't like a fuss Boff, just the day with my wife would have been fine, but I did love all the wonderful messages people sent.

That's because we all love you Bob, you and your good lady wife are treasures on plant Twitter, I also wanted to ask now that perhaps Bob's rugged outdoorsman days are behind him, what does he do to keep active? Is he still an ever-present on the debating society? I'd certainly love to hear his take on world politics?

Bob reads constantly, all genres; I'm a bit concerned that he supports Donald Trump but sometimes I think he does it just to get up my nose.

Trump? Really? *Bob just stares at Boff with an innocent if confused face*

Trump, Bob, Donald Trump? *Bob just continues to stare, frowning as he doesn't see the problem*

*Boff does a motion with his hand like a tuft of hair lifting off his head in the breeze* Trump!

You won't get a rise out of him Boff, Mr B knows his mind and he knows when it's made up.

I see, well then, perhaps as our final question, because I'm getting quite warm too, I wanted to ask if we were to make a movie of your life, 'The Bishops' who would play each of you and what would happen? would it be a comedy, drama, or action adventure? or all three!

I think Michael Caine would do for #OMB (Old Mr Bishop) and Ann Hathaway with bad teeth and a lot of wrinkly bits for me. I think it would be a Gothic Comedy.

Well, with such A-list casting I think it would be well worth a watch, and with that our interview is at an end. Mrs B is going to show me her art work and I'm going to chat some more about politics with Mr B, but you can catch us again the same time next week for another of our interviews.