The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.10 'Mug-tastic' featuring @MugshotUK

*The Camera opens on an oval boardroom table; sitting around one side of the table are three fresh-faced young people half excited and half bemused at the person sitting around the other side of the table. Boff Moatman wearing his customary tea cosy on his head and extra warm coat like something out of a primary school production of Joseph and his technicolour dream coat is busy 'taste testing' the 'product', and giving his opinion with half of it still in his mouth.

Now when Boff arrived, he was extremely excited to be in such a prodigious surroundings, showering his interviewee's with lovely gifts he'd found on Wimbledon Common and asking lots of questions before the interview had even begun. In fact it took a good twenty minutes to usher him into a meeting room, with the lure of free mug based snacks.

Now settled and calmer the interview is ready to begin. The three interviewees who are here to represent today's celeb @Mugshotuk were quite happy to use their real names for the interview, but Boff just waved his arms around like something out of Tales of the unexpected, and renamed them anyway. So the young gentleman on the left with the brightly coloured tie has been named 'Tim', the lady sitting in the middle with the immaculate bob is called 'Lisa', and the gentlemen on the right with glasses and well-kept beard is 'Brian'.

Brian that is not actually called Brian thanks Boff for the opportunity to take part today, and hopes that he feels right at home in the nerve centre of the UK's premier pasta based mug snacks. Boff clears his throat, "Hail fellows, thank you for joining me today, I can't tell you how excited I am to be here, with my new young friends so perhaps we could begin by asking you what does a typical day entail for you? Bit of flirting around the water cooler? well stocked kitchen?

Brian: The day begins with entering Mug Shot HQ …we usually fire up the Mega Mug Shot Kettle and get a round of brews made for the package stuffing team. They work better with snacks.

Lisa: Once all that’s sorted, I do enjoy a bit of water cooler flirtation… I find 2.37PM to be the optimum time for it. I even neaten up my bob for the occasion.

Tim: Oh, you do? I’ve never seen you there when I’m around?

Uh oh, ahem, moving swiftly on, what opportunities are there to get involved with the actual manufacturing of the goods? Is it a complex process?

Lisa: Sometimes they ask for my opinion on a new flavour, but mostly I just bring them donuts

Tim: They are always asking me to taste the spicy ones… I’m not sure why…

*Lisa politely chuckles to herself*

Brian: Our Flavour Team is a bit complicated. The Red-Pepper Expert has a thing for our Spice-ologist, and this usually makes the Head of Pasta QA a little uncomfortable.  Despite all the drama, they all have mad cooking skills and a big shiny kitchen.

Oh really, that’s nice, I actually have quite a big kitchen myself, well, I say kitchen, it's actually a café in a petrol station, least said about that. Perhaps then, we can ask some of the big questions now! So I know that Mugshot comes in 17 flavours, but how do you go about selecting them? For example when your colleague got back from discovering himself in Goa, did you take his 'Goan Fish Curry' idea seriously?

Brian: We did taste test Goan Fish Curry Mug Shots, and despite what you might think, they were actually delicious – however they had a strange side effect of making people constantly crave milk, so we scrapped it.

Tim: *Looks around shiftily and puts down his glass of milk*

Lisa: We are always on the lookout for more flavours on social media and whatnot too. What would you suggest if you had to invent a new flavour, Mr Moatman?

Well, says Boff, as he adjusts his hat. I quite like marmite myself, you may have heard of it *fluffs beard*

Lisa: Errr yes, I think most people have Boff

Hmmmm and I also wanted to ask whether you have an official taste tester for each new batch? I'm very cheap you know....

Brian: We’ll send you an application form, but we must warn you that the competition is already rather high. We even considered a Hunger Games-esque interview, but we thought maybe that was too far.

Tim:  We do have a “call-out” list for substitute taste testers.  Shall I add you?

*Boff nods excitedly* oh yes please! Always keen to be part of a quality product! I also wanted to ask you about product placement. So film companies these days aren't shy about sponsorship, for example Bond drives a certain brand of car etc. Personally I'd love to see Bond come back from a mission and pop in the kitchen for a Mugshot. But if you had your choice, which film would you choose and why?

Lisa: Funny you should mention that, Mug Shot was recently involved in the filming of the new James Bond film in the ‘Angsty Sweet & Sour’ scene. Apparently it ended up on the cutting room floor… but at least now we know 007 has a soft spot for the taste of sweet & sour takeaway in a mug…

Tim: Personally, I’d like to see some kind of Mugasaurus Rex play a starring role in Jurassic Park.

ahahahahaha brilliant! I’d love that, and what about twitter? I know a lot of the corporate accounts kind of fail to get the point of Twitter, but you've genuinely integrated and mixed with the great and good, have you enjoyed it? what's it been like for you?

Lisa: Oh Boffy, you do make us blush… we just like reminiscing about ribbon noodles, spicy tomatoes, cheddar cheese & roast chicken.  I mean, who doesn’t like roast chicken?  And since we met you, we’re having a great time on Twitter!

Ahhh well, you’re an excellent addition, and you’ve managed to survive all of what Twitter can throw at a person so I’m proud of you. Now, I have some questions especially for you three, if you could choose a snack based super power what would you choose and why?

Lisa: Could the Rogan Josh noodles take me to India? The Mexican style rice to Cancun? If only these tasty little packets were really “mugporters”.

Brian: Spicy tomato pasta should equal “breathing fire”… the amount of times when fire breathing would have been handy….

Tim: I really just want to conquer the Big One. It still defies me to this day… *shakes fist*

Lisa: (lost in a day-dreamy state)  hmmm… sun-kissed Mediterranean…

hahahhaa I think I'd like the power to sprout hotdogs from my ears, you'd never go hungry, but I am rather taken with the idea of mugporters, it would make getting about so much easier and provide a snack on route. So, do you go on any fun work's outings? Alan Partridge reckons the Long Stanton Spice Museum is good?

Tim: Erm… we might give that a miss, no offense to Alan or anything.

Lisa: We were invited to the Museum of Bad Art in Boston after the Peri Peri Noodle “incident” in 2010.  Does that count?

well, I suppose that would count yes, what is bad art exactly? Is it essentially childish doodles? I can draw some if it helps? hahah just kidding, well it's been lovely to come and see you, I have to get back to the Common soon, but there is just time for one more question before I go. I wanted to ask you what's the oddest place you've seen someone eating a mugshot - either in person or a photo you've been sent :D

Tim: Hands down, someone sent a picture of themselves eating a Mug Shot from a bowl… not a mug.  Most shocking.

Lisa: They’ve been talking about it for months.

Brian: Would it be shameless for us to plug our website mugshot.co.uk? And on that note, thanks Boff!

Who eats a mugshot from a bowl? That’s just plain daft, well thank you my dear friends, it’s been insightful and educational. Boff then decides to conclude the interview by handing each of his interviewees an avocado for no apparent reason before being ushered to a waiting taxi.