Wednesday 27 May 2015

The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.12 'How to bake a cake...' Featuring @ClairAsbridge

*The cameras open on a beautifully quaint kitchen with open fire place, roaring fire burning, kettle on a hook, beautiful painting hanging on the chimney breast* As the camera pans around the kitchen the viewer is treated to wondeful aromas of fresh coffee and newly baked bread via smell-o-vision, enough to wet the appetites and then as the camera pans around to the kitchen worktops a bare bottom hoaves into view, and then a few seconds later, another bare bottom hoaves into view. oh goodness. It appears that Boff and his guest today have taken the 'naked chef' a little too literally. As the camera pans around to the front now we can see Boff, his modesty spared by a kitchen apron with picture of a tanned-six-packed adonis on the front. Stood next to him also naked save for an apron with the caption 'kiss the chef' is Clair, looking somewhat reticent.

"Boff, I am really not sure about this, can't I at least have a pair of pants?", Boff feeling his guests ill ease, reassures Clair that Jamie Oliver does all his shows like this and not to worry we'll only shoot it from the front. *Clair pulls the top of her apron up abit and adjusts the sides just to be sure* okay, if you say so.

Hail fellows! it's me Boff Moatman, we're finally here the last in the current series, and what better way to end a series than baking a cake, naked, with one of my most dear twitter friends, who's a very good sport for joining in this madness, yes it's none other than our dear Clair. "thanks Boff it is a lovely kitchen", so today we're going to be baking a victoria sponge with extra lashings of jam, yum, so what do we have to do first then? *Clair gets out a bag of flour and starts chucking it all over the worktop and Boff*,  well I say!.. so to this interview
then, I wanted to begin, as I often do, by asking you about your formative years, when you were small what did you want to be when you grew up?

Well Boff I really am the worst person to be asking about formative years as I have an absolutely shocking memory and dont remember a lot of the details of it. I do remember that when I was younger and I used to watch my gran go out to work, even though I wasn’t sure what she did (I now know that she worked for the police in the accounts department), She was, to me, incredibly glamorous. She never went out without lipstick on and used to wear smart suits with high heels and I remember thinking when I grow up I want a job like granny. Of course I would have been utterly hopeless in accounts as I dont have a head for figures in the slightest.

So not so much an ideal job so much as an ideal lifestyle. It was completely different to living with my mum and stepdad. We lived in this ramshackle falling down house, with chickens and ducks roaming outside the front door. It was freezing even in the middle of summer (you always had to have a fire lit) due to tiny windows in the living room and the bedrooms having these massive sash windows that were so old and warped that in some cases you could fit your whole finger through the gaps in them. I think my olds had this idea of the good life however they were both too idle to actually commit to it.

Kind of reminds me of my old home too actually, well sort of, "eggs and butter next please Boff" says Clair, *Boff trots off to the fridge giving another flash of his bare behind*, and what kind of teenager were you? did you get into any scrapes or mischief? or were you a good girl?

According to my mother I was an absolutely horrendous teenager. However I am not entirely sure why. Looking back now I utterly regret the fact that I was a really good girl. I never did drugs or anything I thought would upset anyone. I grew up properly out in the sticks so there wasn’t really an opportunity for park bench cider drinking. I didn’t really start drinking until I was over 18 (venues were few and far between where I grew up).

My parents didn’t have to worry about me falling in with a bad crowd as really I was a bit of a loner and a book worm. I was that kid at school that i strongly suspect none of the teachers remembered. I managed to go all of my secondary education not doing a bit of homework or coursework and people only noticed when I had nothing to hand in for my GCSE’s. Its something I do regret now of course. I managed to get good GCSE’s in French and English however so I planned on moving to a tiny apartment in Paris and teaching English as a foreign language.

I never knew you were bilingual Clair, but it does sound like you had a lonely time out in the country, I'm glad you're here with us all now. *Boff tries to crack eggs into a bowl and gets shell everywhere*, *Clair calmly starts fishing bits of shell out of the bowl* n'awwww and what about your first job? was it exciting? and what did you spend your first pay packet on?

My first job was in a rope works as a saturday girl. My mum had worked from home for them for many years. She put the hook on the end of horse lead reins. My job was to tidy the shelves and sweep when it was quiet. I genuinely can’t remember what I did with the money now. I think I may have spent it on CDs. It wasn’t very much I dont expect.

I also worked as a chambermaid in my late teens. I liked the routine of the bed making and dusting etc but hated the pressing of the linens afterwards. Also there is no cute uniform which was a disappointment to me, It was all just jeans and t-shirts. Back then I had the figure for it and everything.


hmmm Boo! to no uniform, I'd like to have seen that. *Boff produces a small bowl of glacier cherries (not part of today's recipe) and proceeds to eat them one at a time while Clair basically makes the cake herself* perhaps moving away from formative years now, perhaps some questions about motherhood, was it as life changing as everyone claims and were you prepared for it?

Ah motherhood. Its an odd thing. I never really thought I would be a mother to be truthful. With my mum making out that I was such a horrendous child I sort of expected to spend my life alone, maybe with several cats and a large collection of romantic fiction and truthfully I think I would have been quite happy with that. So to actually have two lovely children myself (I am horribly biased I know) is still quite perplexing in the most amazing way.

Initially I found being a mum quite difficult. I didn’t realise at the time but I had post natal depression, also Henry had quite bad reflux and had to have his milk thickened for it to stay down, so there was a lot of washing to be done in the beginning. I also didn’t have any support network around me. It was just my husband Richard and I and I struggled for what felt like a long time. We got there eventually though and liked it so much we had another one! Its strange though, I was so worried about getting post natal depression again when I had Minnie that I arranged a cleaner to come in so the house didn’t go to pot and I didn’t feel over whelmed. Stocked the fridge and freezer etc so I was so prepared. Turned out I didn’t need it at all. I think being in a routine really helps and we had one in place as Henry was at school.


I still dont feel very motherly though. I love my children dearly and would fight to the death to protect them and I am quite happy caring for them. But if you hand me a baby it doesn’t make me broody and I am never sure how to hold them or if I might break it. I know one woman who likes being a mum so much that she has a child every 4 years! EVERY FOUR YEARS?!? I dont understand this at all. I do like the smell of babies its true but I love my children so much more when you can interact with them. When they can talk and share things, when you can do stuff together. Its magical watching them grow up.



I bet! a child every four years, crikey imagine the sleepless nights, good grief! *Clair now also starts eating the glacier cherries, now no one is making the cake* and of cause you home schooled your children for quite a while, was it difficult? and did you have to be 'teacher-mummy' and 'home-mummy'?

I was really reticent about home schooling to be honest. I perceived that it would be lessons from 8:45 to 3:15 five days a week and as Minnie was only tiny when Henry started school it just didn’t seem feasible. I couldn’t work out when I would fit in time for house work and I was worried that time with Minnie would be compromised which seemed unfair to her.
Home schooling thankfully isn’t as regimented as it is in a traditional school. It just isn’t necessary. When you only have the two children its very tailored learning to their needs. If they get something they have got it, we dont have to cover everything several times in many different ways to suit all abilities. I am quite fortunate that I have bright children though. One of the downsides we found to school was that Henry was losing his love of learning. He went from being a kid that was disappointed that he had to have a summer holiday for 6 weeks before he could start in reception, to a child that just sat there staring out into space due to boredom. We just thought could we actually do any worse? (when we asked his teacher once about what we, his teacher and us, could do to motivate him, she just shrugged her shoulders).


Now I love home schooling and would recommend it to anyone. Children are far more relaxed and calmer without the pressure to be up and ready for the school run. Also they dont get so tired.

I kind of resented school really. I like my children and enjoy spending time with them. When Henry was in school I felt cheated that teachers get to spend all the day with my kid and didn’t seem to know him or appreciate him for who he was. They just sent him home a tired angry husk. I know there are good teachers out there but truthfully I have no experience of this. I just dont feel that the one size fits all schooling that we have in this country really works. I think we produce people that are good at parroting and not at learning, which is a shame as learning is so much fun.
Now we have been home schooling for as long as we have, I find that a lot of learning is integrated with home life so I really am just mummy. No distinction between teacher mum and just mum

hmmmm indeed *Clair chucks a cherry at Boff and returns to pouring the mixture into baking tins* and what one piece of motherly advice would you offer to your children to have a long and happy life?




I dont think I have just one piece of advice it would have to be three, Be kind. Its so very important and not a hard thing to do, Be aware that EVERYTHING has as much right to be here as you do. I dont even like picking flowers and I think people need a healthy respect for the environment. It breaks my heart that people litter and take the world for granted.

This might sound weird but I also want them to have an awareness of psychology. I think that if you have that, then you are more aware of the reasons why people do things and say things and when you have that it makes you more accepting of peoples foibles. Im not saying put up with people being a twat towards you, but you never know what battles people are fighting privately


n'awwww Clair!, "ahem, okay Boff these are ready to go in the oven.... Boff... I'm not putting these in the oven while the camera films my arse!" oops ahem, sorry, oooh look what's that points out the window, by the time the camera swings back the cakes are in the oven and Clair is safely facing the camera again. *Boff produces a bottle of wine to taste while waiting for the cakes to bake* now, I wanted to ask you some different and probably very daft questions, if you could be a character from a movie who would you be and why?

I dont really watch films Boff, I have a very short attention span. If I had to be a character though I think I would like to be Elizabeth Bennet. I like the feistiness of her.

hahaha brilliant! *Boff toasts Clair* and if you could have any job in the world what would you do? and where would you go?

I can’t make my mind up between two. I would love to have a tearoom but not some stuffy place or an impersonal place. Somewhere where you can go when you aren’t feeling happy or are upset and you know you can have tea and cake and someone will listen to you if you need it. Somewhere that you feel cared for. That feels like a hug when you walk in the door, with big welcoming squishy couches, no time limit per cup and good food and drink.
Or I would love to be a professional organiser. You know someone who helps you go through your stuff, help decide what you should keep and what you should throw. I love organising things. Its an amazing feeling of accomplishment when you start off with chaos and end up with order.

Ive never had an urge to be rich, or famous or to have a load of possessions and a big house. I would rather make people happy any day.

very nice, *oven dings* Cakes are ready, s'okay I've got it announces Boff, wandering off to the oven his backside in full view again! ouch ouch these are hot. Shall I get the jam? "It's okay I'll get it trills Clair, wandering over to the kitchen cabinet, a baking tray protecting her rear modesty So, if you were Prime Minister of the Universe, what one new rule would you make for everyone to follow then?

I would probably be a shocking megalomaniac if I was Prime Minister. I think I would try and make people respect Mums more. And the dads that are mums too. I just feel that largely as a society we seem to belittle the role of a mum and its unhealthy as it trickles down to be a lack of respect for women all over. Its almost not ok to be a stay at home mum/dad. This is wrong. I dont have a problem with women who want to work but why is it so wrong for a person to want to raise their own children? Why is there a stigma attached to it? If we appreciated the role mums do more I think it would have a knock on effect on society and make it a little fairer.

mmmm seems fair... "Boff opens the jam", "let them cool first Boff or they'll fall to pieces" says Clair protecting the cake, ah Okay, perhaps some more sensible questions to close then, what dreams and ambitions do you have that you would like to achieve before the kids grow up? Any places you would like to visit as a family etc?

I dont know that I do have ambitions as such. I would love to move to somewhere a bit more rural. To a small holding where there is enough room for the kids to roam and some chickens and a dog. But where I can let most of the land go wild. But still get a fab internet connection.

 n'awww that's lovely, "okay Boff, jam me" says Clair passing Boff the first half of the sponge. "remember always jam the top not the bottom", indeed and being a Lancashire lass, what is it that you love the most about your part of the country?

LANCASHIRE LASS?? How very dare you Boff. I am a Yorkshire lass through and through. I just happen to live in lancashire at the moment. I would love to move back to Yorkshire but sadly I feel this is probably a pipe dream.

Whoops! sorry, I meant Yorkshire obviously, ahem. *Clair gently layes the top half of the sponge on the bottom and gently squeezes them together* marvellous technique my darling, marvellous. Finally then my darling, I should like to ask if you were at a tweet-up, who would be there and what would you be doing?

If I was at a tweet up then all the lovely people from twitter would be there. There would be wine and cake and happiness and hugs. What more do you really need in life?

....and with that our interview is finished, which means we get to eat this cake! and finish the wine, ahhh wine and cake. Well my darlings it's been a fantastic series and I hope you've enjoyed them all, we've saved a smasher til last. Love and peace to you all my darlings. xx


Thursday 21 May 2015

The Moatman Interviews - S3- No.11 'Erotica' featuring @JessicaSatin

Hello dear readers, this week's interview has taken something of an unusual turn. When we explained to Boff that this week he would be interviewing the rather fabulous Jessica Satin, erotic novelist and author, Boff turned an unsual colour. I think despite his bluff and bravado he was a little nervous about meeting such a strong and sexually confident woman. What didn't help matters further was when the Wombles took him into town and forced him into Anne Summers as 'research', there's something deeply troubling and amusing seeing an elderly bearded man look utterly lost and confused surrounded by rubber pants and bondage equipment.

So we calmed Boff down and gave him a stiff sherry, then to keep the interview in a suitably framed manner we set it up in the most sexual place we could think of, the kitchen. So here we are sat at Jessica's breakfast bar drinking orange juice and getting to know our guest a little better. Much to Boff's relief, Jessica is very down to earth and charming as she chats about her day and upcoming plans..

Hail fellows! Its me Boff Moatman, here to bring you another of our twitter interviews, this week I'm joined by a rather special guest, erotic novellist Jessica Satin, author of the Ravishing of Beauty. Thank you so much for inviting us into your kitchen and keeping us fed and watered, "you're very welcome Boff, it's lovely to get to meet you at last", now I know my readers will have hundreds of questions running through their minds, most of them naughty, so lets commence this interview, I guess the obvious first question to ask was how you got started as an erotic writer, were you inspired by other authors first? or was it more a case of your imagination running wild and wanting to get it down on paper?

I wrote a sort of steamy romance novel, and tried to get an agent, but ended up leaving that one and letting go. I thought about writing romance, but after borrowing a stack of romance from a friend, I found myself skipping to the “good” parts. So now my writing consists of mainly those deliciously sexy “good” parts.

*Boff chuckles* yes, I can imagine, I think we've all done that, and in terms of preparing to write, do you draw upon your own experiences or is it more a case of delving into fantasy? or perhaps even a mixture of both?

It’s definitely a mixture of both. There’s a lot of blood in The Ravishing of Beauty, and I’ve never experimented with that in real life. I’ve also never been so lucky as Snow White as to have 7 huntsmen ready to give me mind-blowing pleasure at my beck and call. That would be awesome though.

Indeed, although living with the Wombles is a glimpse of what horrors that might entail also, eight 'men' sharing a home is awfully messy and sometimes messy, and not in a sexual way. anyway, I wanted to ask in practical terms, do you do much research before hand? earlier in the week I visited an Anne Summers, but to be honest I was bewildered, I've never seen so many... you knows....

*Jessica bursts out laughing*, You should have said, I would have come with you and helped pick out something nice. Maybe something to match your eyes, you do have pretty brown eyes Boff. *Ahem* anyway, I’ll research the original fairy tale and its various adaptations if I’m doing a fairy tale story, or if I’m doing something set in NYC, I might visit the actual location to make sure I get the description right.

*Ahem*, thank you. People can't usually tell through my pink tinted specs. In terms of your writing I would agree with you that the biggest sexual organ in the body is the brain. There's a certain artistry and imagination within erotica that goes beyond the instant gratification of porngraphy, so I wanted to ask do you think that erotica has a more female centred audience, whereas perhaps pornography is male focused?


I find that the smuttier erotica finds more male readers, but is more popular with women. Most of my female friends watch porn, and I do too, though I think a lot of porn is made with male desire in mind. I still enjoy watching it though.

Really? how interesting, and in terms of your own readers what kind of feedback have you had your own work?

A lot of people have asked for the rest of my Snow White and the Seven Huntsmen story. I will eventually finish it, I promise! People seem to either love or hate the intensity and taboo of The Ravishing of Beauty (Beauty and the Beast erotica). I’m shocked more people aren’t interested in my Hercules erotica, but I guess there’s something really appealing about the princesses.

The Wombles, had a bit of a Greeks and Roman thing for a bit, mainly when Gladiator came out and Bungo thought he was Russell Crowe, although obviously shorter and hairier. I suppose we can't have this interview without mentioning the dreaded 'E.L.James', aside from the 50 shades of grey novels, what has been your impression of the mass furore of the way that the novels and now the movies have crossed over into the main stream?

I think a lot of it is very positive, in terms of 50 Shades making women feel ok with wanting to enjoy more kinky things. In fact, the sales of sex toys went up when 50 shades became so popular because women were buying the toys described in the books! I think that’s amazing. However, the actual D/S relationship portrayed in the book is wildly inappropriate. Especially in the beginning, Anastasia is clearly not into the rough stuff Gray wants to do to her (and does do to her) and he could have found so many other women who would have loved the stuff he’s into. It’s never ok to force BDSM on someone who doesn’t want it and I hope people know that, even if they enjoy the kink described in the book.

so do you feel the audience for erotica is bigger than people realise? and do you worry that with 50 shades of grey it will become more mainstream and thus lose some of it's edge? 

I think there’s an audience for all kinds of erotica. There’s dinosaurs, bigfoot, fairy tales, lactation, incest, BDSM, vanilla, lesbian and gay, groups, paranormal . . . if you can imagine it, there’s erotica for it. I think the audience for erotica may have widened because of Fifty Shades.

What on earth is dinosaur erotica!?! I can only imagine it involves T-Rexs' getting jiggy but they have such short arms, *Jessica laughs* now you're being silly Boff, *Jessica sips her coffee and smiles innocently prompting Boff to continue with the interview* ahem *blushes* anyway, in terms of being a first time writer was it difficult getting support to get your work published and out there?

I self-publish through Amazon, so it’s free to upload a story and your work is on sale within about 24 hours. I did write a novel a few years ago and had some agent interest, but nothing stuck. Self-publishing on Amazon is instant, easy, and you get to keep a fair share of the royalties. I love everything about it.

Ahh yes, the powers of the internet, I do love the idea of people doing things for themselves and the grass roots element of being in control of your own creative output. So now then, perhaps a question away from erotica for a moment, how do you juggle writing with all the other every day aspects of your life?

It’s tough for sure. Writing is very much a side gig for me, as I have a full-time day job and a social and family life, too. I write for fun and as often as I can. It’s a labor of passion, but it’s one I hope to turn into a full-time gig someday. Just have to keep writing and publishing!

Amen to that! and do you think writing has inspired your more sexually? do you ever have moments when you're out and about and see something, that makes you go 'oooh' that would make a good scene within a novel etc? hahahahah although perhaps not when you're out buying your groceries.


I definitely am seeking out more adventurous sexual experiences so I have more diverse experiences as fodder for my writing. Talking to people about their sexual experiences and fantasies is also great for inspiration. People are so willing to share, too. It’s wonderful.

Brilliant and what is coming up next for Jessica Satin? are you in the middle of writing something new at at the moment?


I am! It’s something a bit new for me. More straight-up BDSM smut than the fairy tale and mythological erotica I’ve published before. The title is “Surrendering to His Touch,” so that may give you an idea of what it will be like.


excellent, well thank you for inviting us into your home, perhaps one last question before we close do you think bearded men are sexy?

*Jessica gently tweaks Boff's fluffy mane* I do!

*Boff turns an interesting shade of pink* and with that darlings this week's interview is at close, Jessica has promised to read me an excerpt from her new book, but you can learn more for youselves about 'the ravishing of beauty' at http://t.co/k5s1xw6X5c  

Tuesday 12 May 2015

The Moatman Interviews - S3- No.10 'Tardis spotting' featuring @Dyskadores

The camera opens on a busy tea-shop like something out of Withnail and I; dozens of people sat around neatly laid white table cloths and cake stands displaying the finest wares, as the camera pans across the busy chitter chatter of the tea room we find this week's guest sat in one corner near a fireplace and little lintel window looking out on a summery market place.

Boff Moatman is doing his best to devour a jam Victoria sponge without getting too much jam or clotted cream in his beard, "Oh dear Boff you're making a terrible mess", says today's guest as she dabs at his face with a paper napkin!

Boff raises his arm towards the waitress to gesture that they would like some more cake and teas making a prodding finger motion at the spotted dick, before turning to Camera, Hail fellows! It's I Boff Moatman here to welcome you to another of my interviews, myself and my darling guest have been sampling the cakes on sale here at the Wimbledon tea rooms and very nice they are too, so, what can I tell you about today's guest, a self-confessed Whovian and Archers fan, who's rather handy at crochet (no not the kind with mallets and wooden balls), and knows a thing or two about educating children, yes, today's guest is the darling @dyskadores 'Dyskadores raises a tea-cup' right then my darling, lets get started. To help my readers get to know you a little better I wanted to ask you whether you had any good anecdotes that you could share with us? something that shows off your flair and wit.

I once set my hair on fire listening to a so-called "whispering candle".  I think I bought it in celebration of passing my driving test on the sixth go and taking a friend out for the day in my ancient Mini.  I must have been a bit giddy that day.

Hahaha brilliant! as a beardy man, naked flames are a constant danger, I've had a 'fizzle' once or twice myself my darling and of cause you're a big fan of Dr Who, and in particular the daleks, So I wanted to ask what about the show got you hooked and who's your favourite Dr?

I got hooked on Doctor Who because Dad was a big fan.  Favourite part of Saturday afternoon was hiding behind the sofa whenever the Daleks appeared.  Best Doctor was Tom Baker.  He's the one I grew up with :)

Indeed, of cause I have to be careful with the Wombles, the last time we watched an episode with the Cybermen I had four pairs of long noses peering over the back of the sofa. Even Bungo who thinks of himself as a hard man, doesn't like the bits that make you jump. I had a very crowded bed that night I can tell you. Now if you had your own personal dalek for the day where would you go and what would you get it to do for you?

I'd take a Dalek to see Michael Gove to hold him to account for the damage he did to the education system.  EXTERMINATE!  Yep, still bearing a grudge.  And then I'd give it a home in my house, and a job: answering PPI cold-callers and supplying me with unlimited tea and cake (wearing an apron).

hahahah oh dear! Can I come with you when you do that? and of cause you've crocheted daleks, which looked brilliant by the way, so I wanted to ask have you always been good at making things? Did you make anything for your class at school?

I've made my class a giant bright green Dalek (House colours) as a thank you present to them for the lovely gifts and cards I had from them when I was off school for 3 months last year following a lady-plumbing operation.  The Dalek is in the form froom pointing at the door :)

N'awww that's lovely, and as a teacher what part of your job do you love the most and why?

The holidays.  Actually, I do enjoy most parts of my job so it's difficult to say which bit I enjoy most.  I think it's when the students are so into the work or a discussion that we all lose track of time and then suddenly the bell goes and they don't want to leave.  It doesn't happen every day, but when it does it's ace.

Now I wanted to ask you a question about Noel Edmonds, both Boff and Dyskadores are fans of deal or no deal, a little known fact. If you had the opportunity to go on Deal or No Deal what would you say to Noel and the Banker? would you have a strategy?

I'm not much of a gambler so my strategy would be one that got me a decent amount.  I think I'd take anything over £10k as being a success and get out of there at that point.  Standing up to the peer pressure to keep going would be hard, but I'm very sensible.

hahahah 10,200? Deal! I do love a bit of Deal or No Deal, Noel always wears such fancy shirts, now, on to a different show the Archers, as someone who strictly uses the radio for Heart FM, I wanted to ask you to describe what the Archers is to a non-believer?

The Archers is an everyday story of country folk.  Imagine Eastenders in a field.  The tweet along is hysterical.  More innuendo than a Carry-on.  It's also about routine.  I'm a creature of habit well into middle age and 15 minutes a night is just enough drama for me while I'm busy doing other things like cooking.

ahhh you see I lack imagination, well, apart from the Wombles. Perhaps an off-topic questions now, I wanted to ask which one of today's cake you've enjoyed the most, I quite liked the lemon drizzle, but it was a bit too drizzly if you see what I mean...

 Definitely the Lemon Drizzle!  A clear winner.

Really? are you sure? the carrott cakes was devine, anyway what does the future hold for our dear Dyskadores, are you working on any big summer projects? May day is coming up soon you know!

Current project is supporting @Dark_blue_box in his quest for world domination.  He's standing for election this May as a City Councillor.  Other than that, I'd quite like a decent crop of peas and runner beans from the garden.  Going to be channeling Dame Edna with the 79 gladioli we planted :)

Well It's been lovely spending the afternoon with you my lovely, I did have one final question, if you had to design a crocheted top for a Womble, say, a nice womble like Wellington, what design might it include?

I'd have to do something like "keep calm and keep wombling" or something on it.

hahaha brilliant! I think he'd like that a lot, well, my darlings we still half a pot of tea to drink and we're expecting @Dark_blue_box to join us shortly (we have saved 'some' cake... honest) and so I'll bid you adieu until next time. Enjoy ;)

Wednesday 6 May 2015

The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.9 'Cutting loose' featuring @Popper0_0

The camera opens on a car chase as a green 1966 Ford Thunderbird convertible screeches around a corner and races to beat a set of traffic lights before they turn red. Behind the convertible an orange mustang gives chase with what looks like a car full of hairy short blokes with long noses. As the Thunderbird Convertible reaches the the on ramp for the golden gate bridge we can seetwo occupants of the Thunderbird in head scarfs, supposedly women, although one of them seems to be sporting a fine grey beard blowing over the shoulder of the passenger head rest, the beautiful view of San Franciso stretching out beyond as the car heads south.
After a few more blocks the Thunderbird swings into a parking lot of a fast food takeaway, My sharona blaring from the stereo, allowing us to get a closer look at the gettaways. It's none other than Boff Moatman and his guest, both dressed up like Thelma and Louise for god only knows what reason.
 
Hail fellows! it's me Boff Moatman, now, you may very well ask what on earth is going on, and quite right too, well. As my darling guest has pointed out to me you only live once, so why not dress up as Thelma and Louise and race across country for, well, who needs a what for, Burt Reynolds didn't when he did the Cannon Ball run, and Clint Eastwood didn't when he was traveling across country with an Orangutan. So yes, here we are at a drive-through to get pick up while we work our way down the Santa Fe trail, trying to beat the Wombles in a daring race across the USA. Now then, who might be in the driving seat. A devil may care dame, with bright ambitions and fierce hair, yes it's the darling Popper!
 
Well, my darling I must admit sitting in the passenger seat dressed up like Nora Batty, while you drive across country is both exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure, so I guess I should start this interview by asking where on earth did you learn to drive like this?
 
*Popper takes a bite of her chilli ranch burger before answering, looks at her painted finger nails and then casually says* Running from Mexican drug cartels across the desert. I was a fab smuggler. Did I mention the stash of illegal stash of tab clear in the boot of the car? If you're good I'll cut you in for a slice of the action.
 
I see, well, that's reassuring thank you, although I'm a little long in the tooth to get involved in a smuggling ring now :D, anyway to help my readers get to know you a little better if we made a movie of your life, who would play you? and what genre of movie would it be? what would happen in it?
 
I’d be played by the late Vivien Leigh. We share the same stability level. The movie would be called “Desert Rose,” and it would take place in the Sonoran Desert. I’d be a lonely cactus farmer looking for love and finding it in my farmhand Josue, a tall Mexican beauty played by Antonio Banderas. There would be many, many sex scenes. *Popper smiles to herself as she imagines it now* you can be the dude that gets shot in the first scene if you want Boff. 
 
I would love that thank you, I think, and if you could have one super power, what would it be? and would you use it for good or evil?
 
The power to make people do whatever I wanted them to do. Like run into traffic, give me flowers, hug me, or set themselves on fire. The concept of good and evil is anachronistic, don't you think? *Seeing that Boff looks a little troubled by her answer Popper reassures Boff by adding* Don't worry Boff I'd be nice to you, I'd only make you do fun stuff like punching churchy types.
 
*Boff laughs out loud* well, now you're a bit of a self-confessed crazy girl, which I love, so I wanted to ask what's the strangest thing that has ever happened to you in a restaurant?
 
I watched two guys have a massive fight, and they crashed into me. I screamed at them for spilling my drink and the bartender bought me a new drink after the police came. So there was that, I hate it when someone spills my drink, don't you Boff?
 
Absolutely I couldn't agree more, on to a different topic then, I also wanted to ask about Juventus? I know you're a big fan, but how exactly did you arrive at that point? I mean Italian football as an interest?
I started watching Serie A as a little one. We had a channel that carried the games in Italian, and I fell in love with Juve. *Popper promises to show Boff her keepy-uppy skills later, but only as long as Boff doesn't perv over her bare legs in shorts*
 
*Boff takes a big slurp on his Kahuna shake to avoid the temptation to look at Popper's legs* Okay, how about a change of tack then, what does a typical day in the life of Popper involve? 
 
I grab a few hours of sleep, wake up, shower, cry, get dressed, cry, eat breakfast, cry, drive to work crying, and then go out with friends in the evening. So you know, pretty standard. *Popper looks at Boff with big doe eyes like a lost child* *then she laughs and punches Boff on the shoulder before cramming fries into her mouth*

 
Oh my darling, that's heart breaking. I hate the sound of crying, unless it was that time Bungo wore jeans and caught his unmentionables in the zipper. hahaha, ahhh happy days, what are the favourite things you love about your life?
 
I like the kindness and patience of my sisters and my friends. *Boff looks on expecting Popper to continue, and they just end up staring at each other before Popper laughs* Well that was awkward Boff, you do have a nice beard though, so congrats with that.
 
*Boff blushes*....ahem, thank you young lady, ...and what about men! oh dreaded men, what's the worst chat-up line you've ever heard?
 
"Got any Irish in you? No? Want some?" pretty lame really, to be honest I don't like chat-up lines. I prefer a man that is funny and honest a lot of guys can be jerks.
 
I quite agree, and if you had to pick a partner in crime, what would be the key things you would look for?

 
Handy with the steel and remorseless *makes finger pistols*. Would have to be kind to animals and buy me things.
 
coming back to Thelma and Louise then, they clearly went out with a bang, how would you like to leave your mark on the world?
 
Self-immolation while crying. *To understate the point Popper produces a lighter and sets fire to a playing card, playing with it in her fingers until it burns down to her finger tips* *Popper then smiles politely at Boff waiting for the next question*
 
You are quite enigmatic, and a little terrifying you do know that don't you, anyway, finally I think we can conclude this interview by asking what would be your theme tune in the closing
credits?
 
*Popper smiles sweetly to herself* that's an easy one Boff, The Hoe by Laurent Garnier

 

...and with that the interview is at a close but not the race, Popper chucks the trash into a near by bin from the car window, starts up the engine and then screeches out of the car lot pulling a 360 on the way....