The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.8 'School!' Featuring @TomBennett71

From the moment Boff met the Wombles it's never been entirely clear who was the parent and who was the child, or for that matter who was the owner and who was being 'powned'. One thing that was for certain though was that sooner or later parent's evening would come up. Boff remember's when the Wombles were small, they still are to be fair, going to the school in the evening when it was largely empty and a bit creepy, the other parents clustered around after work with coats and bags clutching their child's school work, and then being ushered into an empty classroom sitting on plastic seats designed for bottoms far smaller than his to hear all about the Wombles exploits. To be fair that's a mixed bag because some Wombles are well behaved and try hard and others *cough* Bungo *cough* are rebels hell bent on destruction.

Mind you Boff's own school years weren't without incident. Boff went to a boarding school like many others from his background, where he mostly learned how to smoke hanging out of windows, chat up girls from the neighbouring girls' school, and if caught for either of the former activities, got the cane, well, the slipper. Fortunately modern education has moved on a bit since then.

Boff arrives to meet today's guest Tom Bennett in a wonderfully bright and airy school reception. Tom is very warm and welcoming and ushers Boff through to charming office space before going off to fetch teas and coffees and a sticky bun, ready for today's interview to begin.

Hail fellows! and welcome to another of our twitter interviews! I've gone back to school today to meet today's guest, a renowned teacher and specialist in behaviour management, with several books to his name, and a column with the TES (Times Educational Supplement), today's guest is none other than Tom Bennett. Hello Tom, and thank you for taking the time to see us today, it's a pleasure to meet you. I have lots of questions I would like to ask you, so perhaps we should crack on. I wanted to begin by saying you've made quite an impact on teaching, so as a child did you enjoy school and what are your earliest memories of school?

I loved school. I loved learning. I loved being praised by teachers. God, I'm pathetic. I took huge pleasure in knowing things, and seeing how it all fitted together. I was an odd child. In primary school I started to write my own encyclopaedia, and of course I started with superheroes. I ran into taxonomic problems when I realised that The Flash could be in at least two categories: heroes, and speedsters. Then three: heroes with scientific origins. Then four, then five... I gave up. My head hurt.

*Boff nods his head in agreement* ah yes the taxonomy of the comic-book universe is a nightmare, I mean look at the X-men, anyway, I digress, as a specialism within teaching you've focussed particularly on behaviour management, something vitally important for schools, particularly secondary education, so I wanted to ask as a child did you every fall foul of any of your own teacher's strategies?

Never. I was a bloody angel. I never saw the use in sticking it to the man; my teachers were lovely, they obviously cared for me, and even in secondary I could see that they just wanted to do their job and help us. Why would I caper? The only time I got busted by the Fedz was when my Religious Studies teacher kept the whole class in because he was too daft to work out who was pissing about.

oooh I hate when that happens, I remember this one time in Geography when... actually nevermind, so continuing with the interview, the wombles and I are a strong believer in that teaching is more of a vocation than a job, so I'd like to ask you what inspired you in joining the profession?  

I had an epiphany. I'd been running night clubs in Soho for about eight years and slowly going insane- although like all madnesses, I didn't know it was happening. It sounds corny, but I saw an advert that said 'Use your head, teach' and I realised it was exactly what the universe wanted me to do. There wasn't a blinding light or anything; it was just as obvious as seeing the door in a room. I thought, 'That's the next step.' And I left clubs and cocktails behind me, some say forever. I never regretted it. Teaching saved me, it bloody saved me. It gave me purpose and core and mission again. Without it I'd be utterly lost, sincerely. 

N'awww that's actually kind of sweet, and quite inspirational. Now, Sir Ken Robinson tells a story about a four year old drawing a picture of God, the teacher asks the child what the child is drawing and she replies 'God', so the teacher says 'but no one knows what God looks like' and the little girl replies 'you will in a minute', which makes me giggle, so I wanted to ask can you tell us about an occasion where a pupil has said something that made you laugh out loud in class?

Yes, when one said, "Sir, Ken Robinson knows anything about classrooms.'

Also, when a student came up to me recently and passed me his report card. I asked him what his target for this week was. 'Top banter,' he said. Which was top banter as well as being funny, so I gave him a tick.

Hahaha I do love a quick wit and cheeky mind, ahhh, now we couldn't do an interview with you without coming to the inevitable Paxman question, (Tom appeared on Newsnight last year to discuss teaching) what it was like meeting Paxo last year? and were you nervous to find yourself on Newsnight?

Weirdly, no. I don't get very nervous before I speak because I do it a lot now, and the strange thing about telly is that there's hardly anyone in the studio, so it feels quite intimate. I was there with Melanie Philips who, despite legend, was extremely polite and nice and SHE said she was nervous, which felt very odd. And Paxo was a gent; in the green room he was all anecdotal about the Bishop of Canterbury. I get the impression that if you're Joe Public he's a softie because there's no plunder in it for him; but if you're the candidate for Anytown, bring Captain America's shield.

Indeed! ....and with the general election practically upon us, I wanted to ask If David Cameron decided to make you the Minister for Education tomorrow, what would be the first three changes you would make?

1. Teacher training to include significant amounts of behaviour management; subject knowledge; exposure to research skills

2. Make career progression in school depend not just on your ability to demonstrate writing a department self assessment, but on your ability to run a classroom as a teacher. 

3. Take children out of other classes from an early age until their literacy and numeracy is at a good level. These skills are core to all others, and precede them. What's the point asking a functionally illiterate child to read Hamlet?

Those sound like some very sensible suggestions to me. Perhaps taking a change of tack now, if you weren't a teacher would other profession would you have liked to have joined and why?

Crimefighter; one of those careers where you conceivably could be slotting bad guys at night- lawyer, detective, biochemist etc. Actually I went to uni to study Electronics and Electrical Engineering, so that would have been very cool. I bailed after 2 days though, when I realised it was mostly maths for four years, and not actually just straight into building robots. I was 16, and therefore a bit clueless, albeit forgivably so.

Mmmmm that sounds like a plan, I know a certain mechanically minded Womble who rather likes building things, some days I feel like I'm living with a hirsuit version of the A-Team, anyway, obviously where teaching is a huge part of your life, my viewers would like to know what you do when you manage to get a break away from the classroom? are there any other passions in your life outside of education?

My passion is writing. I do it anyway, and I did it for years even when no one read it let alone paid for it. I used to get home from the clubs and fire up my archaic word processor and just write: books, poetry, plays, anything I wanted. I have bottomless piles of poor writing. But I consider it all worthwhile. 

I'm also an enormous geek for Arthurian legends, and super heroics. Which will surprise no one. 

Sounds reasonable to me, everyone loves a good myth and magic superhero story to vicariously live through as you trundle your way home on the train. I'd also like to ask you where you think education and teaching will be in ten years time? do you see any new subject emerging or changes in the way education is taught?

I dispute the current vogue that education requires some kind of curricular or taxonomic revolution; such claims are purest zealotry and advocacy, with no substantive grounding. The most recent attempts to create new subjects, like Citizenship, have been laboratory car crashes. If anything, we need to revisit traditional ways of teaching, because in our urgency to look groovy and uber futurist, we've lost a great deal of what made education tick in the first place. It's like looking at a tripod and thinking, 'Boy, that could use losing a leg.'

hahaha indeed! Well Tom that just about brings our interview to a close and I must admit as I did my homework at the last minute I forgot to do a last question, so perhaps I could close by asking you what's the best excuse you've heard from a pupil that forgot to do their homework.

Urchin: 'Sir I didn't do my homework.'

Me: 'I didn't set any.'

Urchin: 'That's why I didn't do it.'

Hahahah, brilliant. With that our interview is at a close, I'm going to stay on here to discuss taxonomy of the Marvel comic book universe and how you deal Emma Frost (both a goodie and a baddie) but we'll no doubt catch up with you next week for another installment of the Moatman Interviews, cheery bye.

The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.7 - 'Fancy Dress' Feauring @JB1971_

*The Camera opens on a fancy dress shop with a gorilla suit holding an inflatable banana festooned in the shop window, ducking to get in through the low door the camera reveals the inside of the shop is Tardis-like with clothing rack after clothing rack holding every conceivable fancy dress costume you could imagine, in the dimly lit shop we come to the counter, where like something out of a creepy episode of Mr Benn we find today's guest chatting to Boff over a mug of coffee, the old wooden counter and cash register cluttered with novelty wigs and false noses.

Boff who seems to be dressed like the back-end of a donkey, the red braces keeping the costume from dropping to his ankles is talking to a more respectably dressed, but equally odd looking clown who's holding up a framed picture of a prized photo of Mark Gatiss signed by the League of Gentleman writer and actor, "I got this when I let them raid my shop for cosies, good isn't it?'.

"Indeed", Hello my darlings! It's me Boff Moatman! Here to delight you with another of my twitter interviews, Today, we've raided the dressing up box to bring you another instalment of the show coming to you direct from inside a fancy dress shop. Now what can I tell you about today's guest, a costumed vigilante who by day works to provide the humble people of this town with novelty clobber, but by night a costumed anti-hero akin to Batman who seeks out wrong-doers in his clown mobile, yes today's twitter interviewee is JB!

JB, thank you so much for letting us into your world and more importantly letting my wombles rummage through your collection, I guess the first question my readers will want to know is how did you come to work in fancy dress shop?

It was either that or carry on working at the rhubarb farm with all the other losers. .....erm, would you like a pea and ham smoothie?

ooh I don't mind if I do, *JB produces a blender from behind the counter and starts chucking in ingredients*, carry on with the interview Boff, this won't take long.... err okay, well that's very interesting, and of cause your own tale follows a path not unlike Bruce Wayne's, I wanted to ask do you ever take the clown costume off? and if no, do you get recognised in the street?

The costume is only on in daylight hours, in the evening I retire to the parlour and wear my smoking jacket, cravat and Hong Kong Phooey slippers....and yes, people do recognise me in the street, they recognise me as the psychotic lunatic that dresses as an idiot.

Well, that does seem a bit harsh JB, you seem okay to me, now... *Boff gets interrupted as a small gentlemen with a long furry nose walks past the counter dressed as Inspector Gadget, JB hands the small gentleman a false nose in exchange for an onion which goes directly into the blender whole*  ....and of cause you're also a bit of a horror buff, liking the darker side of things, I wanted to ask whether you're a nice clown or a scary clown? Do the children around the town like you?

I think I'm a nice clown but for some reason I scare people. What a bunch of fartknockers!
The kids hate me, they all call me horrible names like 'rarseclart' and 'cheddarface'. It really hurts my feelings...hahahahahaha it doesn't really, I don't give a flying fart! ......Oi! Orinoco, get the f**k out of my oak underpants drawer, ya dirty little blighter!

*a small furry face appears from behind a set of drawers and then slowly goes back down again* JB then enquires whether Boff wants one or two eggs before cracking them on the side of the blender...* two please, and when carrying out your heroic acts bringing the baddies to justice, do you have any good gadgets to help you? What do you do with all the scallywags once you've caught them?

To catch the bad guys I use traditional gadgets, boxing glove on concertina thingy, squirty flower filled with hydrochloric acid or a cricket bat with a stuck out rusty nail on the end.
Once their caught I usually give 'em concrete boots, lock 'em in the cellar and make 'em watch Eastenders until their eyes and ears bleed.

Sounds fair to me and what did you make of the spooky clown that 'haunted' Northampton for a bit? Do you have any plans to photobomb any celebrity gatherings?

That spooky clown was my dad (JB Senior), he's back Oop North now though, he just went down to piss off a few Southerners, as yer do! Did it work? As for photobombs, is that exploding cameras or something *shrugs* *JB turns on the blender which makes a terrible racket jumping all over the counter before going to retrieve two glasses*

....I also hear that you are quite talented at drawing, we've all seen the doodles on the walls of the Gents facilities, so I wanted to ask do you ever leave your mark on places you've been? a bit like a Clown Banksy if you will?

I always carry a permanent marker, you never know when you need it. I've stopped doodling on toilet walls as it's just so childish, I've matured a lot lately......now I prefer to draw cock and balls on people's foreheads instead. How's your smoothie? do you want some bread?

Oh, errr it's lovely *Boff politely pushes the glass as far away as possible without seeming rude. .and are there any particular costumes in the shop that give you the creeps?

Bloody hell yes! The John Merrick mask is the one that creeps me out, if you squeeze the chin, custard comes out of his ears and his hair rotates. *insert scary wobbly music*

*the atmosphere in the shop becomes deathly cold all of a sudden* is it just me or has it got a bit chilly in here? *JB shrugs* Happens... my word man I can see your frosted breath. Suddenly the lights flicker and go out completely. In the darkness the shriek of a womble can be heard along with loud banging noises. JB and Boff hug eachother for mortal fear until suddenly the lights come back on. Ahem... sorry about that JB... it was err. well...

*The door of one of the changing room booths flies open* *sound of chanting and sweet pink smoke wafts across the floor....as it clears, sat on top of a chest of drawers it's none other than Rachel Webb! (@WebbPaganFinger) wielding a bloody axe...

wotcha JB, I hope I'm going to feature in your list of nightmarish fancies? Or would you like to lose the other hand too?

*smiles sweetly*
*bites head off rubber chicken*
We Clowns must look after each other. *punches your nose*

Ere, whilst you're there tell them Wombles to stop watching me shower and give Boff a friendly smack, in a loving way of course.


Both Boff and JB stand agog, does that happen often? JB: errr sometimes, she likes to check out the new clobber. *Rachel eyes Boff and JB keenly using the axe to pick her teeth*

Right well, errr, perhaps now some movie related questions would be good. if you found one of your costumes was possessed by a demon who would you call to perform an exorcism and why? A priest like in the exorcist, A mad-lunatic like in Clown, or Beetlejuice?

Beetlejuice I reckon. I'd distract him from the exorcism nonsense and see if I could win him at a staring competition.......I think I'd win, he looks too fidgety .

*In the background Rachel can be seen tossing a Womble in the air for fun...* I see, and if you found yourself in a dystopian future infested by Zombies what would you be doing and who would your partner be? Rick from Walking Dead, Tallahassee from Zombieland or Ken Foree from Dawn of the Dead?

I would be locked away in a kebab shop, and soz Boff but none of the above partners would be suitable. I would have to be accompanied by Mr T, he would arse-hole the zombies while I stuff my face on kebab meat / chilli sauce.

*Rachel nods in approval, stretches...running her bloody finger tips down the sides of her body and around her bust...**far away the sound of dogs howling can be heard* 

My babies are calling, I must away. Keep your machete sharp JB. 

*with that Rachel winks and licks her lips before doing a back-flip off the chest of drawers and exploding into a shower of paper streamers and novelty toys* *Orinco comes out from his hiding place and comes across for a reassuring hug and some of JB's pea smoothie* wow, what a woman... I know what you mean Boff says JB...ahem, anyway one more movie related question, if you had the chance to be a horror villain yourself who would you model yourself on? Jason? Freddy? Dale Winton?

I'd have to model myself on Dick Dastardly, a nasty evil man..but harmless. Of course, I would require Sweaty the Dog (@mark_brown74) as backup.

That sounds good to me, and Sweaty would make a good faithful companion. I hadn't noticed that Wombles were so partial to your smoothies. It's like catnip for Wombles. Anyway, dearest JB our interview is almost at an end, just time for one more question, If you weren't here in this costume shop with me, where would you be? and would you still be wearing the clown costume?
I would be sat at home in the dark wearing just my underpants watching Bullseye...eating Pickled Onion Monster Munch™ and supping Raspberry Milkshake.

...and with that dear friends we've reached the conclusion of another interview, JB is going to make some more smoothies and I've agreed to stay on and help out with the busy hour, I'm not sure when that is though of cause, but we'll see.

The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.6 'Club Americana' Featuring @AskAuntieEm1

The camera opens on a busy diner, through the windows a thunder storm can be seen doing its worst, lashing the windows with rain as wet patron after patron enters the diner trying to stamp off their wet coats and clothing. The camera then pans across the diner, passing a busy chief working on the hot plate to following a waitress who is filling up cups of coffee by the red bucket seating in the booths by the window. Near the back of the diner can be seen an elderly bearded man chucking what looks like a giant kebab down his throat, sat opposite a well turned out lady who looks a bit surprised to see the rate at which the food is being consumed.

well then it must be time for another of those Moatman interviews, Boff looks up from his philly cheese steak to slurp some coffee which has been freshly poured, "Hail fellows! and welcome to another of the Moatman interviews, this week coming to you from up state Wisconsin, USA. My Wombles do love any excuse to getting away from blighty for a bit, and it's always ingenious to watch how they manage to sneak through customs being the seasoned travellers that they are.

Today I have the very great pleasure of bringing you a splendid guest, one of the greats of twitter, who's seen her fair share of excitement, a self-confessed hippy who ran away to join the carnival when she was only 15, yes, today's guest is the rather lovely Auntie Em! *Auntie Em raises her mug of coffee to the camera*

Thank you for joining us today, it's a pleasure to be here and I'm looking forward to hearing your story, so perhaps we could start with your early years. What kind of childhood did you have? and were you a rebel? do you come from a big family?

I came from a small family, just mom, step-dad, and me, until I was 22 when my little sis joined the gang. My older stepbrother lived with us for a few years when I was young. I spent time with my biological father on school breaks. He lived near and sometimes in San Francisco. He was a wild man, and I definitely take after him! The first 10 years was basic blue-collar suburban. When I was 10 we moved to a more rural area, which was great fun. I did things like sneak out to go horseback riding at night. I certainly was a rebel. I wanted no part of the “plastic” life, as us hippies called it back then. I mostly raised myself from age 13 on until 17 when I left home.

Hahah I can see Bungo is going to love you, he reckons he's a bit of a James Dean around Wimbledon Common. Mind you he did make the mistake of trying to show off in front of some girls next to some ducks and got badly pecked in a duck rage incident. To be honest I reckon his ego was most hurt than his backside. Anyway I digress,... talking about your early days as we've already learned, you ran away to join the carnival at 15, what was life like living with the circus?

First I need to set the record straight – the circus and the carnival are decidedly not the same thing, though either one can have a freak-show. Think of carnivals as the rides and the dime-joints, the barkers calling you to try to win a prize for your gal. I worked in the dime-joints & souvenir stands. I used to bring all the boys to the joint *wink* Life was about as crazy as you can imagine running with carnies, sleeping in trailers, talking down the odd gun-pointing paranoid speed-freak.

....good grief, that sounds abit hair raising, and in terms of America you've certainly travelled and seen some of the country, do you have any good anecdotes to tell us from your time on the move?

As soon as I was old enough to take the bus alone I would ride the Greyhound from LA to the San Francisco bay area to visit family there. If I had a long layover in downtown LA. My favorite thing to do was play up to the pimps trying to smooth talk me out the door. Get them to buy me food & stuff from the stores and restaurant in the huge bus terminal. Then I’d ditch them and go catch my bus.

I often hitchhiked as a teen, and I had some great adventures, as well as fending off a few overly friendly gents. Once when I was a runaway I was on a bus to another town and I convinced the bus driver that I was 19 (I was 15). I was too broke to go as far as I wanted, so he got me on the bus to Arizona so I could work the Arizona state fair!

As a young adult I often drove hundreds of miles to spend the weekend with friends and extended family. I loved San Francisco, and spent a lot of time there. I liked to flirt with other drivers, and even dated one man I met that way! The fact that I never got attacked was part luck, part good intuition about people.

*another patron comes in, inflating and deflating their wet umbrella all over the waitress, who is less than impressed. Interesting, and of cause you have an affinity for animals keeping a pig and looking after your sister's horses, Have you always had an infinity for living in the country and being at one with the wild?

I’ve always loved nature, the mountains, desert, and ocean, and I’ve always loved creatures. I need nature to replenish me. I really miss having pets around. My ideal home would be rural, but close to a city with lots going on.

Living with the Wombles is a bit like living in a farmyard in itself, well, abit, some Wombles are quite neat and tidy, others are more like living with Taz the Tazmanian. So, anyway perhaps a change of tack, I wanted to ask how you met the father of your children, and did you leave the carnival to set up home as a family?

I met the father of my only child Joshua at a pig roast that lasted for 3 days. The relationship lasted only slightly longer than the pig-roast. I didn’t care, I had my beautiful child.

N'awwwww, I also wanted to ask you a question about your current settings, I think a lot of my European readers will be familiar with the hub-bub of New York and the East Coast, and the sun and beaches of California on the west coast, but are less familiar with 'the middle', so how does Wisconsin compare to those places?

The middle of the country is slower paced (outside of bigger cities), people are more grounded and down to earth. There’s not so much emphasis on your net-worth as it is on the west coast. The cost of living is much lower, significantly so in smaller towns. Pubs (or taverns as they call them around WI) are often social centers. Children are allowed in as long as they are with a parent. It’s not unusual to see three generations in a tavern on a weekend afternoon!

*the waitress arrives with a giant chocolate pudding buried under scoops of ice cream and two spoons. Auntie takes a scoop of chocolate cake while Boff ponders the great and wide span of North America. Mmmmm I also wanted to ask you some questions about your experience of how the States has evolved since your were a little girl, What do you think are the major differences from the USA today compared to the USA of your childhood?

Well, I could write a lot on this. Face it, I could write a lot on any of these subjects! Anyway, I’d say that personal safety was far less of an issue when I was young. There weren’t so many guns. People think it was simpler, but only if you were a working white man. The sexism, racism, etc were so awful. I remember being incredibly angry as a child as people told me I couldn’t do certain jobs just because I was a girl. Everything was segregated racially. I realized as a child that this was also unfair and ugly. The politics didn’t seem as polarized and divisive, even though there was certainly upheaval with the Vietnam War. The way politics is now is unproductive and heartbreaking.

*Boff nods sagely* I heartily agree the modern politics is most disagreeable, in terms of the old presidents, Reagan, the Bushes, and Clinton, who do you think was the best president and why?

I am a progressive, so I hated Reagan. He was a kitten compared to conservatives now! Bush 1 was okay. Clinton *sigh* I had such high hopes, but partisan politics really became entrenched with him. Not to mention his randiness causing too much distraction. Bush 2? I couldn’t believe he got elected, twice. He was an idiot.

I no longer have any faith in politics at all. Parties don’t mean much these days. They’re corrupt & only interested in their own power agenda. It’s pretty hard to stave off apathy these days.

...and what do you think is the biggest challenge facing the people of America today?

Politics, divisiveness, immaturity, polarization, and religious influence on politics have ruined this country. That’s the challenge, how to overcome this? I don’t know.

*the waitress is back again to remove the now empty plate and top up our coffee cups* *outside the rain is starting to ease off even the possibility of a hint of sun behind the clouds* I also wanted to ask you some questions now about your hippy roots, In terms of leading a happy and fulfilled life, what do you think are the key ingredients? and what advice would you give to my readers?

The answers are never external. Never. Love, money, location, religion, drugs, work, sex, whatever, will not advance you as a human. We need less emphasis on these things, more on accepting our individual humanity, having compassion with ourselves as well as others. When you understand that all humans are capable of the best & the worst of any other human, having humility from that, reducing judgment, and the biggest thing, that we are all connected. Even atheists understand that we share a planet, and are interdependent on the earth& all species. I think the connection is deeper than that, but I accept that not all agree.

I see and are there any key things about this world that you wish we could change for the better?

If I could have one wish it would be an end all human violence. That would take care of almost everything else.

Amen to that! well our interview is almost done, although the weather isn't letting up, so I think we'll stay here a wee while longer yet. So finally perhaps a question I've fielded before, you're hosting a dinner party for you and four guests, who would be the other guests (living or dead) and what would you serve them?

I’d love to answer this, but they are too numerous to mention. I think a room full of the great humorists & philosophers from many generations would be great fun. I would prepare a bacchanalian feast worthy of a wealthy roman.

*Boff laughs and sips at his mug of coffee*, well dear friends the weather still sorting itself out, and while the coffee is good and the company even better, I think I'll stay here a while longer. So I shall bid you adieu and see you all again soon for the next installment of the Moatman Interviews.

The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.5 CASINO!!! featuring @_KirkSutherland

The camera opens on an evening view of Blackpool beach beautifully lit up as the trams work their way up and down the promenade. In the nearest casino can be found two rather dashing gentlemen one older gent dressed in a maroon velour suit with red flashing, and a younger gent in a black tux.

Hello my sweethearts! It's me Boff Moatman, we've come here to the Las Vegas of the North, all the way from Wimbledon on a National Express coach, stopping only once at Digbeth for a tiddle, to meet this evening's showbiz guest. An international playboy, philanthropist, with a white van and twenty quid which is currently on black, yes it's our Kirky!

Kirky lad, thanks very much for inviting us up here, The wombles and I fully intend to make the most of the experience, get smashed on cheap booze and seek adventure where it may be found, but first, lets rinse this casino for all it's worth, and somewhere in the middle slot in a few questions, so then, I've been impressed by the way you've handled the Wombles, most people are quite scared of them at first, have you had dealings with wild life before up the Red Rec?

Boff, I'm glad you asked! You might think the strangest thing to ever set foot on the Red Rec was a sleepwalking Roy Cropper in his nightie, however I have seen much worse! Most notably, a naked and confused Tyrone Dobbs making his way home after a Bank Holiday weekender in Manchester. Many people are still convinced they saw a yeti.

*Boff spits his berry dacquari all over the roulette table* ...and of cause you're known as something of a lad about town, but you're also the dependable one in your group of lads. Do you have any good stories about rescuing a mate in trouble while out on the town?

Not a weekend goes by that I don't find myself saving Norris from the clutches of a morbidly obese battleaxe! Half a bitter shandy and he's anyone's!

I have had heard that actually, I saw him once in the park with a cherry brandy ice lolly, off his tits he was, 0.1% alcohol and he was away with the fairies, anyway, you're days of playing the field are behind you now, and you're now married (to the lovely Beth), so I wanted ask does this mean that your hell raising days really behind you?

As wise as that sounds Boff, it certainly isn't the case! In fact, I was recently stopped by police at around 2am (three sheets to the wind) and asked where I was going, I examined I was on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it can have on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late. They asked who would be giving such a lecture at that time of day and I replied "My wife!"

Hahahaha ahhh god love Beth, she has quite a shouty voice on her *Wellington walks past wearing a tuxedo of his own, a silver tray balanced on one shoulder with more drinks and poker chips. ...and what about this casino, do you have any strategy to strike it rich?, personally I'm down to my last 30 quid, I reckon the dice on the craps table are loaded

They don't call me the Wizard of Odds for nothing, Boff! They call me it because I'm magically bizarre, sadly I know nothing about gambling!

*shrugs* me either, Now then, a little birdy tells me that you do harbour secret desires to be a super-hero, even going so far as to design your own costume over at Underworld, is that true?

Well, although wearing the merchandise is strictly prohibited, I have been known to make a full suit of armour out of cardboard boxes. The only useful feature of this outfit is that if I stand still in the packing room, nobody knows I'm there!

....I see, and if you were a super-hero, James Bond type, what kind of backstory would you give yourself to impress the ladies?

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction, and I've never felt obliged to stick to possibilities! So I like to let the ladies think what they want to think, of which I dread to think!

*Somewhere in the background a jubliant Bungo can be seen tossing chips into the air*, that jammy little bas... errr.... sorry Kirky, where were we, ah yes, of cause your real roots are more humble, starting with the kennels and your Maria (Kirk's sister), do you miss the dogs?

I miss those dogs as much as our Craig misses the point when he orders a diet Coke to go with his 5 large McDonalds meals!

I see, and these days you're a white van man extraordinare, have you got into any scrapeswhile making your deliveries? Can't be easy carting women's pants all over the country

Life on the road certainly has it's surprises, but nothing was more surprising than the time I spotted Emily Bishop staggering up the M5 on her way back from Glastonbury 2011! She reckons she'd been on the champagne with Beyoncé all weekend and the state she was in I can quite believe it!

It's always the quiet ones isn't it, I'll never think of the parish WI in the same way again, and what about Blackpool, what do you recommend the Wombles and I sample while we're up here? Are there any dodgy bits we should avoid?

Boff, get yourself up to the top of the Pepsi Max Big One rollercoaster! It's a long way up, but when that cold Irish Sea wind whips up your trouser leg you know you're alive! But for God's sake, avoid the trams! I still can't look at the things after one nearly came through my front door!

....ahhh you're a good lad Kirky, and of cause you're also not bad at the singing lark, will you be giving the Kari-oke a bash later on? are there any big musical heroes out there you'd like to emulate?

If there's a karaoke machine in the room, I'll be first in the queue! I always fancied myself as the 4th Beegee, then I found out there was a 4th Beegee, so I'll settle for 5th I suppose!

...brilliant, well our interview is almost at an end, and it's time to get nicely smashed, but first what does the future hold for you? are there any big plans in that head of yours?

I'm hoping to get the life and times of Kirk Sutherland documented on film soon, I know Nicolas Cage is up for playing the lead role and I'm sure we could get Jeff Bridges on board for the role of your good self so that this interview can be recreated in all it's glory! Cheers Boff! It's been a pleasure!

...and with that our interview is at end, kirky and I are off to help Bungo spend his winnings and paint Blackpool pink, be sure to tune in again next time for another of our excellent interviews.

The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.4 'Deathly Intentions' featuring @SJIHolliday

*The camera opens on the leafy surrounds of Hyde Park, London, on a beautiful spring morning as people mingle and go for a walk*. Sitting on a park bench, wearing a brown trench coat and ridiculous false nose, rose tinted sunglasses and tiny hat is Boff Moatman, doing is best to look incognito while waiting for today's guest to arrive.

Entering the park in a dazzling navy blue dress and white bolero is todays guest, who sits down next to Boff and whispers 'the hawk flies at night over Mexico'. 'Honestly Boff, I don't know why we have to do code words, it's hardly like this is top secret, it's just an interview love'. *breaks the fourth wall* Now, I have to be frank with you; you see the Wombles are rather proud of their native surroundings and argue that Wimbledon Common is London's best park. Personally I don't even consider Wimbledon a part of London-proper, but when meeting guests in 'other' parks, we don't want to get set on by angry jealous Womble-types... ahem... lets walk, I mean stroll... 

Hello my darlings! It's time for another Moatman interview, and today's guest is a crime and horror novelist who originally hails from Scotland; now lives in London, and begun her professional career as a statistician analysing clinical data, yes, today's guest is none other than Susi Holliday.

Thank you for joining me today, and apologies for all the cloak and dagger stuff, you never know when a feral Womble might pop up, so anyway, lets begin, I wanted to begin by asking when you acquired the writing bug, and what motivated you to pursue a career in writing?

I learned to write when I was five and I haven’t really stopped since. I used to get a little scaly bump on the side of my middle finger because I wrote too much. I had a flair for writing gibberish when I was about twelve, and concocted various tales such as ‘Tarka the Pamplemoose and his penchant for weevils.’ Or something. I think it was when my English teacher told me that I shouldn’t really consider studying English at university as I wasn’t that good at it, that I decided that she was probably right and became a scientist instead. After too many shots of vodka and unhygienic blinis bought from a station platform while travelling on the Trans-Siberian railway, I started writing again and decided it was worth pursuing. On a serious note, reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’ on that same journey really inspired me.

...you can't beat a bit of the Stephen Kings, can you, and of cause you have a flair for horror and crime writing in particular, with your new book 'Black wood' recently published, what drew you to that style of writing?

I remember coming home from school one day when I was about ten, to find my mum lying on the floor watching the Amityville Horror with the curtains shut. Instead of phoning social services, I sat down to watch it with her. I was petrified and couldn’t sleep for several weeks. After that, I realised she had an excellent stash of 70s horror novels with terrifying covers. There was one book with a woman in a bath covered in slugs that were coming out of the taps. For some reason I felt drawn to this world, and I started reading all the horror, then I moved over to crime, and now I like a bit of both. To this day, I still check the bath taps for slugs.

So, will I now!! and do you have to do a lot of research to help flesh out (excuse the pun) the details of the stories within the novels?

No, I prefer to make it up then maybe check a few details later, otherwise I have a tendency to be sucked into the web of procrastination. I suspect that my googling of certain stuff has probably got me on several government agency watchlists. My latest research has been on satanic rituals, and just the other day I was looking up various types of battering rams, but that was nothing to do with the book.

*Boff nods* always delete your internet history, especially if you're Bungo, and professionally you began with clinical sciences and statistics, did that work help ground you in your writing and help provide ideas for the technical parts of the writing?

Hmm… my penchant for spread sheets is quite good for plotting and planning and creating stats summaries of how many words I write. In truth, I find it quite difficult to switch from stats brain to writing brain, but unfortunately I’m not in a position to give up the day job just yet. I need to concoct some sort of device that allows me to work and write at the same time, preferably while lying on a deckchair on a beach with a nice ray of moderately warm, pale-skin friendly sun directed at me.

...indeed, and what about yourself? are you scared of things that go bump in the night? Wellington still insists in sleeping with the lights on.

Terrified. Much more so now than when I was younger. Watching horror is a struggle for me now. I still love to be scared, but I’m worried I might drop dead from a heart attack when I watch real proper scary stuff now. I can still picture certain horror images that affected me, as if they’re painted on the inside of my eyelids. In hindsight, those horror-image inner-eyelid buy-one-get-one-free tats were probably a bad idea. I’m a very jumpy person. You can scare the crap out of me quite easily just by saying BOO! in the voice of Linda Blair’s puppet.

hahaha... okay, good question what's your favourite horror movie/book and does it still give you sleepless nights?

Those Japanese ones are scary… and I haven’t even watched them. The US remakes of The Ring and The Grudge really scare me. Also The Shining, for different reasons… the psychological aspect of it. The madness creeping in. Those long hotel corridors with scary kids on bikes. My actual favourite horror is Silence of the Lambs. Not really in a scary way, but in a brilliantly disturbing way. So clever. Fava beans are petrifying, aren’t they? Fff Fff Fff Fff.

...another question I wanted to ask was whether you ever get 'fatigue' from the subject matter when writing. Actors sometimes say that when they are playing emotionally dark parts it can be difficult to switch off and bring the work home with them. What do you do to help lighten the mood or have a break from the dark subject matter?

I dance vigorously to 80s pop music. There’s nothing a bit of Spandau Ballet can’t fix, is there?

...ahahah indeed, I love a bit of 80s cheesy pop of an afternoon, and what about other crime writers like Kathy Reichs and Patricia Cornwell, do you hope to emulate their success? and any ambitions to see screen adaptations of your books?

You know what? I stopped reading those two years ago. They’ve become a victim of their own success, by writing too many books that are essentially the same. Sorry, hang on, the phone’s ringing… it’s my agent… he’s shouting something… *Cough* Oh wow, those two writers are just amazing. I can only dream of success like theirs. (I’m doing a massive wink now…) As for screen adaptations – yes, it would be wonderful, of course, but I think it would be difficult with Black Wood, mainly because the story jumps all over the place in a way that one reviewer kindly termed ‘Strange’… but with the right screenwriter, I think it would work. I’d like it as a 3-part BBC drama. No adverts messing up the flow. I’d like to use Eastenders characters to play the lead roles, possibly Stacey Slater and Max Branning. I’d like Pat Butcher in a back-from-the-dead cameo.

aside from writing and work, you've travelled a fair bit, do you have any interesting tales about the places you've lived? any particular places that are close to your heart?

One of my fondest memories is of renting an apartment in Beijing for 3 weeks. We hung our washing on the balcony and ate McDonalds every day, just like the locals. China is a very cool place to visit. Trying to buy a train ticket in a station the size of a small village with enough people in there to fill Wembley is a challenge, especially when you are a tall white woman who speaks no Mandarin. Other than that, I did enjoy my time spent in Harlow. We had a top floor flat that overlooked Asda. It was blissful.

...and what about non-writing, non-work pursuits, what do you like to do with your free time?

I don’t really have any free time. I have the day job and the writing. The rest of my time is taken up with speed-walking through the A4 underpass network frightening tramps.

well our interview is almost at an end, but Bungo did want me to ask one more question, have you ever considered writing a story involving Wombles? (copyright aside), Bungo thinks he'd make quite a good lead character for a story.

I’ve just written one. It’s called ‘The Psychotic Murderous Wombles of Black Wood’. It’s based on a true story. I can’t talk about it though as it’s already been optioned for film with Mel Gibson cast as Orinoco and Gloria Estefan as a twisted, dark version of Madame Cholet.

...and with that the interview is complete and we didn't get mugged by territorial wombles, which is a plus, *tosses disguise in a public bin* *pair of eyes can be seen peering out of the bin in Boff and Susi's general direction*