Boff who seems to be dressed like the back-end of a donkey, the red braces keeping the costume from dropping to his ankles is talking to a more respectably dressed, but equally odd looking clown who's holding up a framed picture of a prized photo of Mark Gatiss signed by the League of Gentleman writer and actor, "I got this when I let them raid my shop for cosies, good isn't it?'.
"Indeed", Hello my darlings! It's me Boff Moatman! Here to delight you with another of my twitter interviews, Today, we've raided the dressing up box to bring you another instalment of the show coming to you direct from inside a fancy dress shop. Now what can I tell you about today's guest, a costumed vigilante who by day works to provide the humble people of this town with novelty clobber, but by night a costumed anti-hero akin to Batman who seeks out wrong-doers in his clown mobile, yes today's twitter interviewee is JB!
JB, thank you so much for letting us into your world and more importantly letting my wombles rummage through your collection, I guess the first question my readers will want to know is how did you come to work in fancy dress shop?
It was either that or carry on working at the rhubarb farm with all the other losers. .....erm, would you like a pea and ham smoothie?
ooh I don't mind if I do, *JB produces a blender from behind the counter and starts chucking in ingredients*, carry on with the interview Boff, this won't take long.... err okay, well that's very interesting, and of cause your own tale follows a path not unlike Bruce Wayne's, I wanted to ask do you ever take the clown costume off? and if no, do you get recognised in the street?
The costume is only on in daylight hours, in the evening I retire to the parlour and wear my smoking jacket, cravat and Hong Kong Phooey slippers....and yes, people do recognise me in the street, they recognise me as the psychotic lunatic that dresses as an idiot.
Well, that does seem a bit harsh JB, you seem okay to me, now... *Boff gets interrupted as a small gentlemen with a long furry nose walks past the counter dressed as Inspector Gadget, JB hands the small gentleman a false nose in exchange for an onion which goes directly into the blender whole* ....and of cause you're also a bit of a horror buff, liking the darker side of things, I wanted to ask whether you're a nice clown or a scary clown? Do the children around the town like you?
The kids hate me, they all call me horrible names like 'rarseclart' and 'cheddarface'. It really hurts my feelings...hahahahahaha it doesn't really, I don't give a flying fart! ......Oi! Orinoco, get the f**k out of my oak underpants drawer, ya dirty little blighter!
*a small furry face appears from behind a set of drawers and then slowly goes back down again* JB then enquires whether Boff wants one or two eggs before cracking them on the side of the blender...* two please, and when carrying out your heroic acts bringing the baddies to justice, do you have any good gadgets to help you? What do you do with all the scallywags once you've caught them?
To catch the bad guys I use traditional gadgets, boxing glove on concertina thingy, squirty flower filled with hydrochloric acid or a cricket bat with a stuck out rusty nail on the end.
Once their caught I usually give 'em concrete boots, lock 'em in the cellar and make 'em watch Eastenders until their eyes and ears bleed.
Sounds fair to me and what did you make of the spooky clown that 'haunted' Northampton for a bit? Do you have any plans to photobomb any celebrity gatherings?
That spooky clown was my dad (JB Senior), he's back Oop North now though, he just went down to piss off a few Southerners, as yer do! Did it work? As for photobombs, is that exploding cameras or something *shrugs* *JB turns on the blender which makes a terrible racket jumping all over the counter before going to retrieve two glasses*
....I also hear that you are quite talented at drawing, we've all seen the doodles on the walls of the Gents facilities, so I wanted to ask do you ever leave your mark on places you've been? a bit like a Clown Banksy if you will?
I always carry a permanent marker, you never know when you need it. I've stopped doodling on toilet walls as it's just so childish, I've matured a lot lately......now I prefer to draw cock and balls on people's foreheads instead. How's your smoothie? do you want some bread?
Oh, errr it's lovely *Boff politely pushes the glass as far away as possible without seeming rude. .and are there any particular costumes in the shop that give you the creeps?
Bloody hell yes! The John Merrick mask is the one that creeps me out, if you squeeze the chin, custard comes out of his ears and his hair rotates. *insert scary wobbly music*
*the atmosphere in the shop becomes deathly cold all of a sudden* is it just me or has it got a bit chilly in here? *JB shrugs* Happens... my word man I can see your frosted breath. Suddenly the lights flicker and go out completely. In the darkness the shriek of a womble can be heard along with loud banging noises. JB and Boff hug eachother for mortal fear until suddenly the lights come back on. Ahem... sorry about that JB... it was err. well...
wotcha JB, I hope I'm going to feature in your list of nightmarish fancies? Or would you like to lose the other hand too?
*smiles sweetly*
*bites head off rubber chicken*
We Clowns must look after each other. *punches your nose*
Ere, whilst you're there tell them Wombles to stop watching me shower and give Boff a friendly smack, in a loving way of course.
Both Boff and JB stand agog, does that happen often? JB: errr sometimes, she likes to check out the new clobber. *Rachel eyes Boff and JB keenly using the axe to pick her teeth*
Right well, errr, perhaps now some movie related questions would be good. if you found one of your costumes was possessed by a demon who would you call to perform an exorcism and why? A priest like in the exorcist, A mad-lunatic like in Clown, or Beetlejuice?
Beetlejuice I reckon. I'd distract him from the exorcism nonsense and see if I could win him at a staring competition.......I think I'd win, he looks too fidgety .
*In the background Rachel can be seen tossing a Womble in the air for fun...* I see, and if you found yourself in a dystopian future infested by Zombies what would you be doing and who would your partner be? Rick from Walking Dead, Tallahassee from Zombieland or Ken Foree from Dawn of the Dead?
I would be locked away in a kebab shop, and soz Boff but none of the above partners would be suitable. I would have to be accompanied by Mr T, he would arse-hole the zombies while I stuff my face on kebab meat / chilli sauce.
*Rachel nods in approval, stretches...running her bloody finger tips down the sides of her body and around her bust...**far away the sound of dogs howling can be heard*
My babies are calling, I must away. Keep your machete sharp JB.
I'd have to model myself on Dick Dastardly, a nasty evil man..but harmless. Of course, I would require Sweaty the Dog (@mark_brown74) as backup.
That sounds good to me, and Sweaty would make a good faithful companion. I hadn't noticed that Wombles were so partial to your smoothies. It's like catnip for Wombles. Anyway, dearest JB our interview is almost at an end, just time for one more question, If you weren't here in this costume shop with me, where would you be? and would you still be wearing the clown costume?
I would be sat at home in the dark wearing just my underpants watching Bullseye...eating Pickled Onion Monster Munch™ and supping Raspberry Milkshake.
...and with that dear friends we've reached the conclusion of another interview, JB is going to make some more smoothies and I've agreed to stay on and help out with the busy hour, I'm not sure when that is though of cause, but we'll see.
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