The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.9 'In bed with the Bishops' featuring @oldladybishop

The camera opens staring out of a bedroom window at the lush wilds of Canada, before panning back across the room, the smart bedroom wallpaper, and family photos hanging on said walls, before coming to rest on a large king size bed. Sat in the bed are three senior occupants wearing smart flannelette pyjamas, with the hairy one in the middle and sat either side a woman and a man, like some kind of sequel to Rita, Sue and Bob too, only with two boys this time...

Hello my darlings! Calls Boff, and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews, where this week we're in bed with the Bishops! I can tell you my producers were rather pleased with themselves when they came up with this idea and thought themselves very Louis Theroux. All I can tell you is that it's quite warm in here, although if I had to share a bed with any Twitter couple it would definitely be these two!

So then, introductions! the rather dashing dame to my left is Janet, a painter and animal lover, and the rugged gent to my right is Bob, who recently celebrated his birthday, and in the middle is me, the bloke with the beard and lavender sunglasses, 'is that beard real Boff' asks Janet, 'it looks stuck on from here', 'oh my darling, I can assure that I am 100% real, except for the bits that aren't but less about that', so then, seeing as the three of us are here, I think we should have a cup of tea, that probably a good place to start *Janet has to get out of bed to fetch a tray from off-screen before returning*, so then I guess I'd like to begin by asking how did you two meet? was it love at first sight? 

I was besotted with her the first time I met her; she was completely mad but exciting, in a good way says Bob. We actually met through a mutual friend explains Mrs B, I think my mate was rather annoyed that Mr B liked me better than her, but then who can blame him, after all he is my soul mate, and only human. 

*Mr B chuckles, and whispers something in Boffs ear*, My goodness you really are the rugged gent you appear. So you whisked her off her feet did you? *Janet tugs at  Boff's pyjama sleeve, Mr B was the perfect Gentleman Boff, don't you be leading him astray now! Ahem, quite, so anyway what about your wedding day? what was that like? and where did you go on Honeymoon? was it an intrepid adventure?

We were married in an office; the two of us went to Burger King for lunch; splurged on onion rings; then walked around the local mall; spent our honeymoon in Halifax over Christmas; everything closed. It was quiet but peaceful, quite a lovely time really.

You had your wedding reception in Burger King? To be honest I think that's exactly how Bungo would do it, that's assuming he could find a woman womble that would have him. He does have a bit of a thing going with this squirrel, but it's mostly plutonic to be honest. *Mr B just stares at Boff trying to tell whether Boff is pulling his leg* No really, it's true, squirrels, no accounting for taste eh. *Mrs B then injects by pouring cups of tea and passing each one down the line*

I also wanted to ask you about what adventures you've been on over the years, you're quite the dramatic couple, very hart to hart if you don't mind me saying?

To be honest Boff, Mr B gave up flying shortly after we got married.

I never knew Mr B was a pilot, interjects Boff,

He isn't? I meant he gave up flying as a passenger after we got married, I think he's suspicious that I've got the 'gift' you know.

Gift? Boff turns to Mr B who is busy dunking biscuits in his tea and doing a fantastic job of ignoring Boff's questioning, I see replies Boff. 

We did tour civil war battle sites in the US which was both very interesting and very sad, war is a terrible thing Boff. *Mrs B eyes Boff keenly waiting for a response*

So errr anyway, lovely tea by the way Mrs B, says Boff, please call me Janet replies Mrs B, well perhaps another question then, after more than three decades of marriage I wanted to ask what's the secret to a long and happy marriage?

Memory failure, replies Mrs B. *This makes Mr B chuckle, taking a break from his tea he chirps in* ...and a good sense of humour, she makes me laugh Boff.

N'awwww you two, you'll make me well up, says Boff, Now, Janet, I also wanted to ask you about your painting, what kind of style would you say you have? and what inspires you to paint?

I like to paint strange buildings and landscapes in bright acrylics; inspired by Poe and Lovecraft, I'll show you some of work when you finish your tea Boff, but do please be careful you're spilling it on the bed spread.

Boff now chirps in, once my friend and I @Mark_brown74, ate some of these out of date space raiders and it made us both hallucinate these giant blue martians that had come to kill us, and we had to hide inside this giant orange with insects, horrible it was. When we woke up we were in the same sleeping bag and the toilet cubes were missing from the urinal, but he made me promise never to talk about it.

I think you just did, Replies Mrs B, having to put one leg out of the bed because she's getting too hot.

Oh, replies Boff, we'll edit that bit, so you're also quite the adept musician too, not many people can play the harp, so what inspired you to learn that instrument in particular?

My shrink had a harp he was trying to flog, to be honest I think he was just relieved it went to a good home. I just thought it might be useful to prop the door open, but it does make some beautiful sounds when played correctly.

Well, not everyone's musical to be fair, wait, did you say Shrink? *Mrs B is looking at Boff with the same keen eyes again* How old are you really Boff? you don't look much like a pensioner to me...

I get through a lot of olay replies Boff, trying to divert the question, I wanted to ask you a couple of Canada related questions, coming from a country where three inches of snow is enough to cause the entire transport infrastructure to grind to a halt, I wanted to ask how you deal with proper snow? I mean actual large amounts of snow, not what we get on the Common?

Hire snowplows and shovellers, use snow tires, pray that the town plow doesn't block you back in, try and drive the car enough to save the battery, stay inside and go slowly mad. It does get cold Boff, so very cold, I'm just grateful I'm not in here on my own.

That sounds dreadful, this like some kind of Simpsons, Mr Burns and Homer trapped in the lodge after the avalanche type thing.

It's not that bad really Boff, but you Europeans shouldn't complain about a little snow, not until you've tried Canada snow at least.

Indeed!  and on that note I also wanted to ask what Canadians make of us Europeans, do you think we're all mad? and how does Canada differ from America?

We think Europeans are all rich and wear tiaras. Canadians don't have as many guns as Americans and we are supposed to be more polite; not nearly as religious and we don't eat fried things on sticks.

But I like fried things on sticks, maybe not eggs, but as a general rule. hmmm I also wanted to ask about Bob's birthday (Bob recently turned 80), what did he make of his surprise avalanche of Twitter related birthday cards? and did he enjoy the day?

It took a while for him to understand why all these people he didn't know were sending him cards, but he caught on after the first 100. He had a wonderful time at his birthday party, even though he had requested that his present be permission to skip the party. Really? I don't like a fuss Boff, just the day with my wife would have been fine, but I did love all the wonderful messages people sent.

That's because we all love you Bob, you and your good lady wife are treasures on plant Twitter, I also wanted to ask now that perhaps Bob's rugged outdoorsman days are behind him, what does he do to keep active? Is he still an ever-present on the debating society? I'd certainly love to hear his take on world politics?

Bob reads constantly, all genres; I'm a bit concerned that he supports Donald Trump but sometimes I think he does it just to get up my nose.

Trump? Really? *Bob just stares at Boff with an innocent if confused face*

Trump, Bob, Donald Trump? *Bob just continues to stare, frowning as he doesn't see the problem*

*Boff does a motion with his hand like a tuft of hair lifting off his head in the breeze* Trump!

You won't get a rise out of him Boff, Mr B knows his mind and he knows when it's made up.

I see, well then, perhaps as our final question, because I'm getting quite warm too, I wanted to ask if we were to make a movie of your life, 'The Bishops' who would play each of you and what would happen? would it be a comedy, drama, or action adventure? or all three!

I think Michael Caine would do for #OMB (Old Mr Bishop) and Ann Hathaway with bad teeth and a lot of wrinkly bits for me. I think it would be a Gothic Comedy.

Well, with such A-list casting I think it would be well worth a watch, and with that our interview is at an end. Mrs B is going to show me her art work and I'm going to chat some more about politics with Mr B, but you can catch us again the same time next week for another of our interviews.

The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.8 'Street rules' featuring Wolfie Jules (@Julieanneda)

Hello my darlings, it's me Boff Moatman, well, it's been a strange sort of day already and I haven't even started our interview yet. You see today's interviewee is something of a crime-fighting enigma so organising a place to meet was a tad problematic. First I had to meet some burly leather clad gentlemen at the Ruskin Arms, who insisted on blind folding me and then sat me on the back of a motorbike. I don't know if you've ever been the passenger on a motorbike travelling at high speed while not having the luxury of being able to see where you are going. It was all rushing air and my beard getting stuck in every aperture. Bungo however loved it, he's always wanted to be a biker and the gentlemen in the Ruskin Arms were rather taken with his talent of balancing full pint glasses on his head.

Anyway, when they took the blind-fold off I found myself here in this empty cave surrounded by high-tech equipment and large flat screen TVs. It's been a strange one certainly, instead of the usual bats you would expect to find roosting in the cave's roof there was just a den of wolf cubs yawning and crying out for their mother. I had to calm myself by watching a few episodes of deal or no deal while I awaited today's guest.

Then at the circular entrance to the cave, back lit by a large full moon is the silhouette of a woman. Slowing sashaying into the cave wearing a full length shoulderless black dress with silver embroidery and matching silvery elbow length gloves is our guest. Hello Boff, I'm sorry I'm late, the Commissioner's parties do seem to go on forever, wait here and I'll go and change into something more comfortable, with that she disappears through a hidden door and returns a few minutes later in a white dress shirt, jeans, smart brown boots and a leather jacket clearly marking a Wolf patch on the shoulder

Ahhh, so here we are then, Today's guest is a crime fighting heroine, with a strong morale compass, voice to those that cant be heard in city hall, and leader of her biker clan, it's none other than Wolfie, please Boff, call me Jules replies Wolfie as she pours us both a drink well I suppose I should begin by asking how was the Commissioner's party? did anything interesting happen?

Hi  Boff, Wombles,  I have an extremely soft spot for wombles you know...particularly Orinoco...anyway that aside, you seem to have projected your perception of me into the imagery! I am more likely to be wearing a kaftan than evening dress, and even less likely to be at the Commissioner's dinner, although he would be wise to listen to my carefully formed opinions on how much we kowtow to the gvt regarding the force. If ever there was the opportunity to impart my views you can be sure that I'd take it, without any hesitation or moderation in the force with which I delivered those views!!!

I am impressed that you managed to break into the Ruskin it's been derilict for eons.  It's claim to fame being Iron Maiden who were particularly crap when they played here!  I used to put my cider bottles in my ears to try and make them sound better.  Not particularly effectively, they may have become missiles 😉

I see, well there's no excuse for a crap live performance. Anyway, with that out of the way I have so much to ask you and a lot of (metaphorical) ground to cover, so perhaps we should crack on I guess the main thrust of the questions I wanted to ask was around human nature and the way we interact with one another as a society, but perhaps we should start smaller, tell me about your days as a biker? what was it like being part of that brotherhood / sisterhood?

yeah, a brotherhood and family, I was very fortunate to be treated as an equal by most and certainly never had anyone make the mistake of treating me like an object more than once, nod, nod, wink, wink...

I found the company very accepting of difference, more so than main stream society at that time, for sure, a different kind of total respect as long as you didn't use your own name.  You could be whoever you wanted to be, like Twitter but in reality! There were some who didn't like lone wolves, you learn quickly how to avoid being sucked into a formal organised patched community, that brings it's own set of dangers.

I see, I can imagine that it is like a sort-of family, and what about any scrapes you got into? I know you've already mentioned your bro Foxy on your own blog, were there any dramatic moments you recall?

Ha! Not much I feel that I can say!  One group I mixed with regularly had black business cards printed in silver, if we met vulnerable people broken down we'd help them, and give them a card. There are many dramatic moments but I'm not into kiss and tell, there's a strict code of silence around Biker culture:  what happens on the road, stays on the road:  Biker code, innit?  Apologies to any road rats out there!

We also didn't tolerate idiots on motorways  it's fairly easy to box in and surround a car making it rue it's decision to cut up a rider, those chains round our waists only ever locked our bikes, honest. We also did blood and organ runs in  the days before charitable organisations took the role on more formally.

Indeed, it does sound enigmatic, I think Bungo was quite taken with your friends, do you have any sage advice for him becoming a biker?

Yeah, get a meaty bike, I'm afraid I'm a snob where bikes are concerned going for a classic British bike and a silent, but strong persona worked for me!

Knowing Bungo, I'd just be worried he'd wrap it around a tree or something, he's fearless you know, utterly fearless, well, except for spiders, but other than that. Perhaps moving on a few years now, you were also a union rep, what was it like working in that role? Did you ever find yourself at odds between 'The man' and the workers?

Always!  I was a Union rep in the East London school where I taught, so much bullying by Heads who were inept except at kissing political ass and making both the staff and the pupils jaded, stressed out shadows of human beings just to tick a box or achieve an artificial ranking that means Fuck all! 

It's certainly a difficult job to juggle I should image, and what was the strangest meeting you've ever been in? and how did you resolve it in the finish?

Hmmm, I was once propositioned by a Head verbally and physically during a meeting in his office,  that was resolved internally by a well placed fist in the face, we never had any difficulties working together for the benefit of the school after that.  It was never mentioned.

Blimey! but I also know you said that you were a bit of a shy mouse at school and learned to find a fierceness inside yourself to gain that voice? what was school like for you? and how did it shape you as a person?

I'm naturally an introvert, which is misunderstood by many. I tend to observe untill I find someone whom I feel it worthwhile interacting with, that can be mistaken for weakness...it's a strength. I refuse to stand by when I see injustice meted out to anyone. That silent person who is cowed by a bully exerting abuse,  I am the one who will step beside to give strength or in front of to protect until they can find there own strength.  Less is more ya know?

So coming back to the original thrust of my questions, I wanted to ask your feelings about social interaction and the general status quo? do you think the government could be doing more to help the people?

*deep throaty laugh*  not just gvt! History teaches us that when deep divides between the rich and the poor occur society implodes: whether it be the Church, Corporations, Individuals or gvt: if you have more than enough to sustain your needs and some left over, then you ought to be sharing the surplus!  I believe in Utopia my detailed thoughts on that and Freedom can be found on my blog.  I'm not necessarily a representative of a socialist but I believe in social equality. That's what drives me, that's how I behave on a personal level.

and what about people in general do you feel like society is changing? and has social media helped provide new avenues of communication or changed things for the worse?

social media can be both good and bad. It's a magnifier, it artificially magnifies the worst traits of human behaviour and can also serve as a catalyst to magnify the best.  It's given a platform to those who might not otherwise be able to be socially/politically active, for instance disabled and vulnerable people can now have their voices heard by many more people. Society is lurching towards a more and more apathetic and egocentric base, social media can be a vehicle to galvanise movement in reality to seek to redress these issues.  I am not really a *group* type of person, although I am comfortable in the groups I choose to spend some time with, I prefer to work in the shadows, a lone wolf (Lobo) encouraging individuals to explore and find a way to find their own answers...for me social media gives open access to those whose ear I wish to speak with.

Indeed, I often like to Instagram what I've had for dinner *Jules just frowns at Boff*, That wasn't quite what I meant Boff, *Boff coughs* ahem, and you also work as a counsellor? what has that been like that? do you find it a rewarding experience?

being a counsellor is a privilege, people open their hearts, minds and deepest hurts to you to hold and protect whilst they rebuild their strength enough to take those pains / fears and face them with an ownership that they didn't believe could happen.  It is unbelievably difficult to maintain caring neutrality amidst that.  Being alongside and then gradually stepping further and further away as the individual you worked with unfolds and blossoms into who they have become. Totally exhausting, totally confidential, my Biker background equipped  me to hold confidences, my teaching background equipped me to view each as a unique being, my parental background equipped me to love with unconditional positive regard, my religious / political views also equipped me to accept that I have no right to impose my own viewpoint onto the life of another in fact to do so would break every ethic I hold.

I think that's very nobel Jules, it certainly sounds very challenging and rewarding, but I can also totally understand what you mean by exhausting. I also wanted to ask you what has been your most proud moment to date, and what ambitions do you still hold on to for the future?

that is impossible to answer because the moment personal pride surfaces it negates the positives one has thought one has achieved.  Pride is dangerous, except when looking at the achievements of another. In that context every child who overcame a difficulty to become a critical thinker, and every adult who gained control of their own destiny makes me proud of them.  To see, to a certain extent is to *be*

Finally perhaps we can end with a bigger question then, why are we here? and what's our purpose on this planet?

that's the easiest question so far!!! We are here as caretakers to a planet that we have borrowed from the future.  Our purpose is to love and treat each other with the respect we would like for ourselves, whether that is given or not.  Our behaviour should reflect the temporary habitation of life on this planet.  As with loos, we should leave it how we would like to find it,  if it's not clean enough grab a mop and gloves!!!

The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.7 'Doncaster Days' featuring @PabloDeElmo

The camera opens with beautiful panoramic views of Doncaster, green rolling hills, the quaint market town of Doncaster itself, the race course and of cause mighty mighty Doncaster Rovers football club. Following the train line down into the town centre, we can see two men stood on the roof of the train station, one elderly gent with a flowing grey beard and a yellow hard hat, the other man younger wearing what can only be described as some kind of novelty hat with a bovine theme and pointy horns.

Hello again, calls Boff Moatman, Here I am, a man, on a roof, with another man, in Doncaster, where it's quite chilly actually. I'm not entirely sure why we're on the roof, but we have a lovely crowd of onlookers cheering us on, it's like the last days of the Beatles honestly! Well then perhaps I should move on to introducing our guest before my unmentionables perish. Today's guest, is a South Yorkshire Latin lover, with less Latin and more Yorkshire, handy with a trowel and a ladder, yes, today's guest is @PablodeElmo.

"Are you Okay Boff? Do you want to borrow my gloves", says Pablo, "you Southern gentlemen aren't used to the cold I know that". "I could murder a mug of tea if there's one going?" replies Boff. "No bother, back in a minute", replies Pablo as he wanders off to another part of the roof. Pablo soon returns with a steamy hot mug of team, although there's no sign of any kettles/thermos/other such equipment on the roof??

Ahhh that's better thank you sir, so I would like to start today's interview, with what might seem like a stupid question, but, why exactly are we meeting on a roof?

*Pablo shrugs* The lovely views and the aromas of Donkeycaster ( have you erm trumped)

*Boff just looks confused, as a taxi down below honks their horn* If I have it was accidental *blush* anyway we won't dwell on that, and as a proud Yorkshire man, I wanted to ask you what you love most about your beloved DonkeyCaster?

The best thing about Donkeycaster is the transportation system there are so many quick ways to leave Donkeycaster.

Hahahaha, they say the same about Luton you know, and what was it like growing up as a kid up here? I always imagine it like Last of the Summer wine, any bathtubs involved at all?

I actually grew up in a small village just outside Donkeycaster called Maltby a coal mining village but all that has gone now and its full of hairdressers and pound shops. which is ironic as I don't have any hair or a pound.

In the Euro 2000 football. I kidnapped Alan Shearer (well a full life size cardboard cut out) from a McDonalds, as I ran out with it, I heard an assistant shout "Oi they're nicking Alan". We held him to ransom the ransom being for McDonalds to take a happy meal to the local hospital when England played. McDonalds were really pissed about it and had private detectives trying to find Alan. we took pictures of Alan all over the UK. McDonalds paid up and we were in the Sun for the stunt.

haahaha, poor old Alan, it's not what you expect as a former international is it, mind you, we did something similar with the Hooch man, only it was less of a ransom thing and more of a babysitter for the Wombles. Ahem, perhaps moving on then, you've worked in many professions, from Joiner, to bus driver, to RAF technician, so which one has been your favourite and why?

Well I have had so many jobs over the years from Joiner to bus driver and RAF tornado anti roll technician to crematorium engineering. The RAF job was interesting, as an Anti roll technician. My favourite job was as a Joinery foreman. I had a labourer who always came to work in tracksuit bottoms and a t shirt. on one particularly cold day someone gave him some firey jack and said rub it in on your privates and that will warm you up. Two minutes later he was in agony so I gave him a bottle of water to pour on the affected area. Well I didn't know that it would make things hotter did I. the last we ever saw of him was him running down Ashby Rd in Scunthorpe with his tracksuit bottoms round his ankles as he fell over a wall.

Well you don't get that on Last of the Summer wine! I'd also like to ask you about your days as a bus driver, any interesting customers??

I used to drive the Rotherham busses I once did a bus journey that should have taken an hour in under twenty five minutes. it was when England played Germany and we won 5-0. Pensioners are affectionately called 'twirlies'. This is due them not being able to use there bus pass until 09:30 they would hold there hand out for the bus and say " Am I too early) hence twirlies...
I say the same thing to the Landlord of the Duck and Ferret, but errr yeah, anyway, staying with buses, I take it you also had somewhat of an unfortunate experience with your bus too, tell us about the time you accidentally...ahem...hit a skip?

Well Boff, as a bus driver I once wrote off an £80k bus by hitting a skip. The till and ticket machine went bouncing down the road spilling coins all over the carriage way while the ticket machine was frantically spewing weekly bus tickets out! I didn't even get fired for that?

I hope you maintained the suitable playground traditions and shouted 'scramble' as the coins bounced down the road. It's only the done thing you know. What about your time in the RAF? were those fun times and did you get into much mischief?

when I was training on the ranges there were sheep on the range but we were elevated some 20 feet as were the targets so the sheep were not affected. However we were told that if we accidently shot one it would be a fine of £35 to the farmer. I am sure I bought him a brand new BMW?

Remind me never to get in the way when we're on the same paintball team then! crikey! Now then,  you went to the Gulf War, I can appreciate that this might be a sensitive question, but what was that like? and was the film 'Jarhead' accurate? was there a lot of waiting around?

I lost many friends in the Gulf War. Is the film Jarhead accurate. All I can say is if you watched the Telly tubbies for an hour and a half that would me more accurate than the film.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that dear friend, and glad you're home safe and sound, perhaps we should talk more about your home turf, how's Alan? and have you returned him to his rightful owners? and have Macdonalds forgiven you?

yes, we took Alan to the hospital. The surgeons managed to re-attach his finger with some cellotape. His finger had become detached when his finger got caught in the Van door.

Well I'm glad to hear Super Al is okay, and what does the future hold for you sir? do you have any big plans for things up and coming?

I am writing my memoirs and hope to publish my autobiography with such stories as those
that I had told on john Peels radio 4 show Home truths.

One story in particular stays with me, we would always go out to the pub on a Sunday, after mum had prepared Sunday lunch. The Sunday before I came home drunk and went to bed without eating my dinner. My Mum was furious. So the following weekend the same thing happened, me and my Dad went to the pub with my Sister and Brother in Law and my Uncle who is only 10 years older than me so we are like brothers.

So before we left my Mum said if you don't eat your dinner I wont cook for you ever again. That particular Sunday I stopped longer than usual and all my family had gone home for there Sunday Dinner. I wobbled in about 9 pm I remembered my Mum's word's. I saw a plate of dinner in the microwave zapped it for three minutes and ate it all, it was lovely.

the next morning it was a Bank holiday Monday. I got up and wandered downstairs to be met by my furious Mum " you have done it again you have not eaten your dinner, I am not cooking for you ever again" I replied "but Mum I did eat my dinner I washed the plate and it's on the side look" my Mum then opened the oven door and said "so whats this then" a cold plated Sunday dinner sat there" I Said " But mum my dinner was in the microwave" thats when my mums face dropped and she said " Pablo that was the scrapings off everyones plates and was meant for the dog" "oh I thought it was a bit mushy but didn't want to say anything" The dog didnt get the dinner in the oven either I had it before I went back to the pub.

The poor dog!! deprived of his dinner *Boff sniggers* well we're almost done, and I do hope your friend returns with the ladder soon, I wanted to finish by asking you, what has been your most proud achievement? and why?

Oh its got to be singing LIVE with Black Lace at Happy Days caravan park in Chapel St Lenoards in 1989.

I could really aggadoo back then but now I aggadon't.

Oh look here is Crazy Dave with the ladders. "Dave thanks for binging the ladders but I must ask how you got them up here"

" you used the LIFT? come on Boff I will treat you a Pint of Tetleys and a Sally Lunn"

With that the interview draws towards a close, although the bloke with the ladder is still no where to be seen. Which is when the all too familiar sounds of a fire engine siren can be heard from the distance. "Errrr" says Boff. "Don't worry" replies Pablo, "I'll handle this...." and with that we bid you adieu until next week.

The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.6 'A walk on the wild side' ft Sweaty Dog (@Mark_Brown74)

The camera opens on a largely empty street about 2 hours after the sun went down and people had headed home from work, the bright street lights throwing their orange glow on the parked cars. Then the camera pans down the street reaching the local corner shop and then down an alley, where in a little courtyard behind said corner shop can be found an elderly man sitting on a wheelie bin, a dog sitting in an old armchair, and three Wombles rooting through the left over stock put out as waste.

Hail fellows! Calls Boff Moatman, as he takes another slurp from a can of Hooch, today's guest is a very dear friend of mine who's promised to take us for a walk on the wild side and show us a part of town not often seen. In fact, so a dear a friend is he that this isn't so much of an interview as a bit of a chat with a mate, while the Wombles join us for what could otherwise be termed 'Boff and Sweaty the dog's alternative night out', featuring @BoffMoatman and @Mark_brown74

Now, when Boff suggested this idea to the producers, there were some concerned faces, you see this isn't the first time that Boff and Sweaty have been on a night out. Nor is it the first time that the Police have had to bring them home again after, what frankly could be described as some kind of Rolling Stones, Mick and Keith type tom-foolery. The last time in fact involved Sweaty biting Peter Stringfellow on the bottom while Boff tried to fill his trousers with M&Ms. so then, today's interview comes with some ground rules, no strong alcohol (hence why Boff is drinking Hooch, and Sweaty is on the blue WKD), no strip clubs (especially string-fellows), and at least three Wombles to keep guard.

Well dear friend, here we are again, kicking off a night the right way, round the back of the offy with some cheap alcopops. I guess we should begin by asking you to introduce yourself and tell my audience a little bit about yourself?

Will do Boffster. My full name is Sweaty Enrique Domingo Esteves, born in Sunderland and dumped in a skip behind Lidl by my mother who couldn’t come to terms with my unique odours. I was raised by the local seagulls who fed me regurgitated kebab meat and taught me how to hustle and survive in a hostile environment. I still live in the same skip and make a living selling scrap and being a gigolo, seagulls are very sexual creatures and very considerate lovers, they taught me how to satisfy a lady.

hahaha it's all true, I can vouch for that. The secret lives of wildfowl always astonishes me, we had that Jon Pigeon on here once, he's a right geezer, but yes my dear amigo you are one of a kind. So then our big night out, perhaps we should make a start, where to first? and do we need to pick up @Lindylu100 on the way?

Oh of course, no sexy adventure is complete without her. We could get chips then start a fight in Booze Buster.

Damn fine idea, sir! *Bungo looks up at the mention of fighting, he likes to show off his dangerous ninja skills, but currently is engaged in eating a microwave kebab, cold* Perhaps we ought to ask you some proper interview questions too, so I wanted to ask what kind of Puppy were you when you were growing up? were you a noble hound like the dad from 101 Dalmatians, or more the Tramp from Lady and the Tramp?

A typical street urchin with a cheeky grin and an attitude you could hang a coat on, I’d pinch a string of sausages from the butcher and sell them to buy more sausages. I suppose you could say I was a lone wolf but I was happy.

ahhh bless you, a lone wolf with only his wits to save him from the dog pound, of cause you somewhat live on the edgier side of life, so what's the worst scrape you've been in? and how did you get out of it?

I once copped off with Stabby Thompson’s mum and he caught us making sweet love on her stair lift, I had to climb out of the bathroom window naked. I rang you for a lift home remember?

oh god, don't remind me, do you remember the time we got arrested for trying to steal a merri-go-round, and we both pretended we didn't speak English, and they had to let us off because you claimed you were a visiting dignitary with diplomatic immunity?

Ha ha I was the high commissioner for Swaziland, it’s a good job you are fluent in Swazi Boff. They ended up taking us on a tour of the local crabstick factory.

It took weeks to get rid of the smell of crabs, really it did, perhaps following in the same vane, what's the strangest place you've woken up that wasn't your home?

After a very heavy night I woke up to find myself being used as a fruit platter at a lunch for Russian oligarchs, I had fresh fruit covering my naked body and one fella kept coming back for the banana surprise. I didn’t complain as he had very soft hands and he gave me a massive tip, huge it was.

hahahahah excellent, that's why I love you mate, very enterprising with low morale standards! and of cause you're a big softy at heart too, so I wanted to ask are there any particular causes, or charities close to your heart?

I do a lot of charity work that I do like to talk about, help the aged, meals on wheels and war widows association. Anything that allows me access to all those hot mature honeys. I like to think I’m giving them more than just my time *winks*

*wipes tear* beautiful mate, My Wombles gather up bottle tops and get the 5p back for each one, once a year they buy Christmas gifts to give to the children in the local hospital children's ward. Talking of giving gifts, is it true you once met Noel Edmonds when he was filming one of his Christmas charity specials?

Yes that was messy, I wanted to sniff his feathered mullet and get tips about maintaining such an immaculate beard. However he took exception to me collecting the hairs out of his dressing room shower plug hole while he was in it, I was kicked out but let’s just say the collar doesn’t match his pubic hair.

hahahaha that also sounds about right. I mean, what colour does he have in the first place. You're also a bit of a hit with the ladies, so I wanted to ask you, what's the best way to romance a lady? rock-up at her place late at night with a big bowl of spaghetti Bolognese?

Ladies love a strong confident man so I do a mating dance similar to that of a flamingo but throw in a few bodybuilding poses, also offering your swollen anus like a baboon always gets them in the mood for a bit of yankee doodle.

Wait, is that what you were doing in the pub the other night? I thought you'd drank a bad pint hahahahaha, and what's the best complement you've ever received from a lady friend?

Easy, Mabel Pugglethwaite from the bingo said I rocked her world so hard that I cured her clicky hip. I’m like a sexy Mr Miyagi.

Like I say, I've seen your special dance, and now I can understand why the ladies are putty in your paws, I also have to admit you're looking in pretty good shape, your coat is nice and shiny, are there any secret tips to looking good and living well you can share?

Thanks Boff, I avoid red meat like Peperami’s and try to stick to lean white meat like microwave chicken burgers and any sausage with a funny German name like Kochwurst or Gruberschnitzel *giggles* I also use Soul Glow hair oil to maintain that wet look year round.

Really? I wash my beard in out of date Irnbru it makes it lovely and silky, not too fly-away either, that's the iron you see. If you had to choose to go out on a date with a cartoon character from the movies who would you choose out of Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boo and Marge Simpson and why?

Definitely Jessica Rabbit, I love a curvy lady and she could chew off my electronic tag in no time.

You've got good taste mate, okay, we're about done, and by done, I mean we can get rid of this camera crew and have a proper night out, so one final question, what excuse should I tell my producers when this ends the way we both know it will?

*Sweaty just flexes his eyebrows mischievously* Shall I do my Scottish scent and pretend I'm from the Customs and Excise again Boffy?

With that our interview is at an end but the night is young, @Lindlu pops her head around the corner wearing a sparkly dress and cradling a bottle of blue nun, "cooo-eee boys?", oh this is going to be messy.