The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.7 'Doncaster Days' featuring @PabloDeElmo

The camera opens with beautiful panoramic views of Doncaster, green rolling hills, the quaint market town of Doncaster itself, the race course and of cause mighty mighty Doncaster Rovers football club. Following the train line down into the town centre, we can see two men stood on the roof of the train station, one elderly gent with a flowing grey beard and a yellow hard hat, the other man younger wearing what can only be described as some kind of novelty hat with a bovine theme and pointy horns.

Hello again, calls Boff Moatman, Here I am, a man, on a roof, with another man, in Doncaster, where it's quite chilly actually. I'm not entirely sure why we're on the roof, but we have a lovely crowd of onlookers cheering us on, it's like the last days of the Beatles honestly! Well then perhaps I should move on to introducing our guest before my unmentionables perish. Today's guest, is a South Yorkshire Latin lover, with less Latin and more Yorkshire, handy with a trowel and a ladder, yes, today's guest is @PablodeElmo.

"Are you Okay Boff? Do you want to borrow my gloves", says Pablo, "you Southern gentlemen aren't used to the cold I know that". "I could murder a mug of tea if there's one going?" replies Boff. "No bother, back in a minute", replies Pablo as he wanders off to another part of the roof. Pablo soon returns with a steamy hot mug of team, although there's no sign of any kettles/thermos/other such equipment on the roof??

Ahhh that's better thank you sir, so I would like to start today's interview, with what might seem like a stupid question, but, why exactly are we meeting on a roof?

*Pablo shrugs* The lovely views and the aromas of Donkeycaster ( have you erm trumped)

*Boff just looks confused, as a taxi down below honks their horn* If I have it was accidental *blush* anyway we won't dwell on that, and as a proud Yorkshire man, I wanted to ask you what you love most about your beloved DonkeyCaster?

The best thing about Donkeycaster is the transportation system there are so many quick ways to leave Donkeycaster.

Hahahaha, they say the same about Luton you know, and what was it like growing up as a kid up here? I always imagine it like Last of the Summer wine, any bathtubs involved at all?

I actually grew up in a small village just outside Donkeycaster called Maltby a coal mining village but all that has gone now and its full of hairdressers and pound shops. which is ironic as I don't have any hair or a pound.

In the Euro 2000 football. I kidnapped Alan Shearer (well a full life size cardboard cut out) from a McDonalds, as I ran out with it, I heard an assistant shout "Oi they're nicking Alan". We held him to ransom the ransom being for McDonalds to take a happy meal to the local hospital when England played. McDonalds were really pissed about it and had private detectives trying to find Alan. we took pictures of Alan all over the UK. McDonalds paid up and we were in the Sun for the stunt.

haahaha, poor old Alan, it's not what you expect as a former international is it, mind you, we did something similar with the Hooch man, only it was less of a ransom thing and more of a babysitter for the Wombles. Ahem, perhaps moving on then, you've worked in many professions, from Joiner, to bus driver, to RAF technician, so which one has been your favourite and why?

Well I have had so many jobs over the years from Joiner to bus driver and RAF tornado anti roll technician to crematorium engineering. The RAF job was interesting, as an Anti roll technician. My favourite job was as a Joinery foreman. I had a labourer who always came to work in tracksuit bottoms and a t shirt. on one particularly cold day someone gave him some firey jack and said rub it in on your privates and that will warm you up. Two minutes later he was in agony so I gave him a bottle of water to pour on the affected area. Well I didn't know that it would make things hotter did I. the last we ever saw of him was him running down Ashby Rd in Scunthorpe with his tracksuit bottoms round his ankles as he fell over a wall.

Well you don't get that on Last of the Summer wine! I'd also like to ask you about your days as a bus driver, any interesting customers??

I used to drive the Rotherham busses I once did a bus journey that should have taken an hour in under twenty five minutes. it was when England played Germany and we won 5-0. Pensioners are affectionately called 'twirlies'. This is due them not being able to use there bus pass until 09:30 they would hold there hand out for the bus and say " Am I too early) hence twirlies...
I say the same thing to the Landlord of the Duck and Ferret, but errr yeah, anyway, staying with buses, I take it you also had somewhat of an unfortunate experience with your bus too, tell us about the time you accidentally...ahem...hit a skip?

Well Boff, as a bus driver I once wrote off an £80k bus by hitting a skip. The till and ticket machine went bouncing down the road spilling coins all over the carriage way while the ticket machine was frantically spewing weekly bus tickets out! I didn't even get fired for that?

I hope you maintained the suitable playground traditions and shouted 'scramble' as the coins bounced down the road. It's only the done thing you know. What about your time in the RAF? were those fun times and did you get into much mischief?

when I was training on the ranges there were sheep on the range but we were elevated some 20 feet as were the targets so the sheep were not affected. However we were told that if we accidently shot one it would be a fine of £35 to the farmer. I am sure I bought him a brand new BMW?

Remind me never to get in the way when we're on the same paintball team then! crikey! Now then,  you went to the Gulf War, I can appreciate that this might be a sensitive question, but what was that like? and was the film 'Jarhead' accurate? was there a lot of waiting around?

I lost many friends in the Gulf War. Is the film Jarhead accurate. All I can say is if you watched the Telly tubbies for an hour and a half that would me more accurate than the film.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that dear friend, and glad you're home safe and sound, perhaps we should talk more about your home turf, how's Alan? and have you returned him to his rightful owners? and have Macdonalds forgiven you?

yes, we took Alan to the hospital. The surgeons managed to re-attach his finger with some cellotape. His finger had become detached when his finger got caught in the Van door.

Well I'm glad to hear Super Al is okay, and what does the future hold for you sir? do you have any big plans for things up and coming?

I am writing my memoirs and hope to publish my autobiography with such stories as those
that I had told on john Peels radio 4 show Home truths.

One story in particular stays with me, we would always go out to the pub on a Sunday, after mum had prepared Sunday lunch. The Sunday before I came home drunk and went to bed without eating my dinner. My Mum was furious. So the following weekend the same thing happened, me and my Dad went to the pub with my Sister and Brother in Law and my Uncle who is only 10 years older than me so we are like brothers.

So before we left my Mum said if you don't eat your dinner I wont cook for you ever again. That particular Sunday I stopped longer than usual and all my family had gone home for there Sunday Dinner. I wobbled in about 9 pm I remembered my Mum's word's. I saw a plate of dinner in the microwave zapped it for three minutes and ate it all, it was lovely.

the next morning it was a Bank holiday Monday. I got up and wandered downstairs to be met by my furious Mum " you have done it again you have not eaten your dinner, I am not cooking for you ever again" I replied "but Mum I did eat my dinner I washed the plate and it's on the side look" my Mum then opened the oven door and said "so whats this then" a cold plated Sunday dinner sat there" I Said " But mum my dinner was in the microwave" thats when my mums face dropped and she said " Pablo that was the scrapings off everyones plates and was meant for the dog" "oh I thought it was a bit mushy but didn't want to say anything" The dog didnt get the dinner in the oven either I had it before I went back to the pub.

The poor dog!! deprived of his dinner *Boff sniggers* well we're almost done, and I do hope your friend returns with the ladder soon, I wanted to finish by asking you, what has been your most proud achievement? and why?

Oh its got to be singing LIVE with Black Lace at Happy Days caravan park in Chapel St Lenoards in 1989.

I could really aggadoo back then but now I aggadon't.

Oh look here is Crazy Dave with the ladders. "Dave thanks for binging the ladders but I must ask how you got them up here"

" you used the LIFT? come on Boff I will treat you a Pint of Tetleys and a Sally Lunn"

With that the interview draws towards a close, although the bloke with the ladder is still no where to be seen. Which is when the all too familiar sounds of a fire engine siren can be heard from the distance. "Errrr" says Boff. "Don't worry" replies Pablo, "I'll handle this...." and with that we bid you adieu until next week.