The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.6 'A walk on the wild side' ft Sweaty Dog (@Mark_Brown74)

The camera opens on a largely empty street about 2 hours after the sun went down and people had headed home from work, the bright street lights throwing their orange glow on the parked cars. Then the camera pans down the street reaching the local corner shop and then down an alley, where in a little courtyard behind said corner shop can be found an elderly man sitting on a wheelie bin, a dog sitting in an old armchair, and three Wombles rooting through the left over stock put out as waste.

Hail fellows! Calls Boff Moatman, as he takes another slurp from a can of Hooch, today's guest is a very dear friend of mine who's promised to take us for a walk on the wild side and show us a part of town not often seen. In fact, so a dear a friend is he that this isn't so much of an interview as a bit of a chat with a mate, while the Wombles join us for what could otherwise be termed 'Boff and Sweaty the dog's alternative night out', featuring @BoffMoatman and @Mark_brown74

Now, when Boff suggested this idea to the producers, there were some concerned faces, you see this isn't the first time that Boff and Sweaty have been on a night out. Nor is it the first time that the Police have had to bring them home again after, what frankly could be described as some kind of Rolling Stones, Mick and Keith type tom-foolery. The last time in fact involved Sweaty biting Peter Stringfellow on the bottom while Boff tried to fill his trousers with M&Ms. so then, today's interview comes with some ground rules, no strong alcohol (hence why Boff is drinking Hooch, and Sweaty is on the blue WKD), no strip clubs (especially string-fellows), and at least three Wombles to keep guard.

Well dear friend, here we are again, kicking off a night the right way, round the back of the offy with some cheap alcopops. I guess we should begin by asking you to introduce yourself and tell my audience a little bit about yourself?

Will do Boffster. My full name is Sweaty Enrique Domingo Esteves, born in Sunderland and dumped in a skip behind Lidl by my mother who couldn’t come to terms with my unique odours. I was raised by the local seagulls who fed me regurgitated kebab meat and taught me how to hustle and survive in a hostile environment. I still live in the same skip and make a living selling scrap and being a gigolo, seagulls are very sexual creatures and very considerate lovers, they taught me how to satisfy a lady.

hahaha it's all true, I can vouch for that. The secret lives of wildfowl always astonishes me, we had that Jon Pigeon on here once, he's a right geezer, but yes my dear amigo you are one of a kind. So then our big night out, perhaps we should make a start, where to first? and do we need to pick up @Lindylu100 on the way?

Oh of course, no sexy adventure is complete without her. We could get chips then start a fight in Booze Buster.

Damn fine idea, sir! *Bungo looks up at the mention of fighting, he likes to show off his dangerous ninja skills, but currently is engaged in eating a microwave kebab, cold* Perhaps we ought to ask you some proper interview questions too, so I wanted to ask what kind of Puppy were you when you were growing up? were you a noble hound like the dad from 101 Dalmatians, or more the Tramp from Lady and the Tramp?

A typical street urchin with a cheeky grin and an attitude you could hang a coat on, I’d pinch a string of sausages from the butcher and sell them to buy more sausages. I suppose you could say I was a lone wolf but I was happy.

ahhh bless you, a lone wolf with only his wits to save him from the dog pound, of cause you somewhat live on the edgier side of life, so what's the worst scrape you've been in? and how did you get out of it?

I once copped off with Stabby Thompson’s mum and he caught us making sweet love on her stair lift, I had to climb out of the bathroom window naked. I rang you for a lift home remember?

oh god, don't remind me, do you remember the time we got arrested for trying to steal a merri-go-round, and we both pretended we didn't speak English, and they had to let us off because you claimed you were a visiting dignitary with diplomatic immunity?

Ha ha I was the high commissioner for Swaziland, it’s a good job you are fluent in Swazi Boff. They ended up taking us on a tour of the local crabstick factory.

It took weeks to get rid of the smell of crabs, really it did, perhaps following in the same vane, what's the strangest place you've woken up that wasn't your home?

After a very heavy night I woke up to find myself being used as a fruit platter at a lunch for Russian oligarchs, I had fresh fruit covering my naked body and one fella kept coming back for the banana surprise. I didn’t complain as he had very soft hands and he gave me a massive tip, huge it was.

hahahahah excellent, that's why I love you mate, very enterprising with low morale standards! and of cause you're a big softy at heart too, so I wanted to ask are there any particular causes, or charities close to your heart?

I do a lot of charity work that I do like to talk about, help the aged, meals on wheels and war widows association. Anything that allows me access to all those hot mature honeys. I like to think I’m giving them more than just my time *winks*

*wipes tear* beautiful mate, My Wombles gather up bottle tops and get the 5p back for each one, once a year they buy Christmas gifts to give to the children in the local hospital children's ward. Talking of giving gifts, is it true you once met Noel Edmonds when he was filming one of his Christmas charity specials?

Yes that was messy, I wanted to sniff his feathered mullet and get tips about maintaining such an immaculate beard. However he took exception to me collecting the hairs out of his dressing room shower plug hole while he was in it, I was kicked out but let’s just say the collar doesn’t match his pubic hair.

hahahaha that also sounds about right. I mean, what colour does he have in the first place. You're also a bit of a hit with the ladies, so I wanted to ask you, what's the best way to romance a lady? rock-up at her place late at night with a big bowl of spaghetti Bolognese?

Ladies love a strong confident man so I do a mating dance similar to that of a flamingo but throw in a few bodybuilding poses, also offering your swollen anus like a baboon always gets them in the mood for a bit of yankee doodle.

Wait, is that what you were doing in the pub the other night? I thought you'd drank a bad pint hahahahaha, and what's the best complement you've ever received from a lady friend?

Easy, Mabel Pugglethwaite from the bingo said I rocked her world so hard that I cured her clicky hip. I’m like a sexy Mr Miyagi.

Like I say, I've seen your special dance, and now I can understand why the ladies are putty in your paws, I also have to admit you're looking in pretty good shape, your coat is nice and shiny, are there any secret tips to looking good and living well you can share?

Thanks Boff, I avoid red meat like Peperami’s and try to stick to lean white meat like microwave chicken burgers and any sausage with a funny German name like Kochwurst or Gruberschnitzel *giggles* I also use Soul Glow hair oil to maintain that wet look year round.

Really? I wash my beard in out of date Irnbru it makes it lovely and silky, not too fly-away either, that's the iron you see. If you had to choose to go out on a date with a cartoon character from the movies who would you choose out of Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boo and Marge Simpson and why?

Definitely Jessica Rabbit, I love a curvy lady and she could chew off my electronic tag in no time.

You've got good taste mate, okay, we're about done, and by done, I mean we can get rid of this camera crew and have a proper night out, so one final question, what excuse should I tell my producers when this ends the way we both know it will?

*Sweaty just flexes his eyebrows mischievously* Shall I do my Scottish scent and pretend I'm from the Customs and Excise again Boffy?

With that our interview is at an end but the night is young, @Lindlu pops her head around the corner wearing a sparkly dress and cradling a bottle of blue nun, "cooo-eee boys?", oh this is going to be messy.