Tuesday 27 October 2015

The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.5 'East of Oxford' Featuring @JenniHarris4

*The camera opens on a busy bistro on the banks of the River Cam as people pop in on their way home from work; the glorious late summer sun streaking pinks and reds across the sky, as swans and ducks swim down the river alongside the bistro. The gentle chitter chatter of folk as they walk down the tow-path to call in to indulge in an early dinner or the fine array of puddings on display.*

Now today's guest has already arrived, seated at a little round table next to the river, glamorously dressed, with stylish sun glasses and chilled glass of wine in her hand waiting for Boff to arrive. Unfortunately Boff is no where to be seen, fifteen minutes pass, and then another fifteen as the air starts to grow a little chilly and the sun heads for bed.

Then in the distance a commotion can be heard, the sound of shouting, and then in the distance a ball of white hair, mixed in with balls of smaller brown and grey hair hurrying down the tow-path. At some point this puffing and wheezing ball of fluff collides with a cyclist who ends up in the river. After a Womble rescue mission taking several more minutes, the rosy cheeked somewhat more clammy than usual demeanour of  Boff Moatman hoves into full view.

Oh I'm so sorry, we didn't realise the train station was so far away, hail fellows! and welcome to another Moatman Interview, today's guest is a lady with true class, an Anglian beauty, that supports her home town team (Stevenage FC), a teacher and recently inked dame with a heart of gold, it's none other than Jenni Harris! "Oh Boff, I thought you'd stood me up for a moment there, look at the state of you, *signals to waiter to bring a pint of cold ale* lets get you calmed down, are these your Wombles?" *Wellington hops up on to the chair next to Jenni* Oh I thought my lungs were going to burst, I'm so sorry, What have you been up to in Cambridge since you arrived?

I love everything about Cambridge!! The academia, the history, the architecture.. its beautiful. Kings College is the jewel in the crown. I've just been wandering around the cobbled streets and soaking up the resonnances of days gone by....and vodka..plenty of vodka.

*Jenni pulls a twig out of Boff's beard, before rummaging in her handbag to take out a couple of small bags of haribo for the Wombles* oh I wish I'd arrived sooner now :D. Now I know we're out fine dining in Cambridge today, but you hail from slightly further south don't you? How would you describe Stevenage to my dear readers out there? is it a place close to your heart?

A huge contrast!! My family is infact an 'Old Stevenage' family. We were here way before the concrete prefab buildings and carbuncles built to accommodate the oiks that spilled over from London in the late '40's early 50's. The first 'New Town' once sparkled like a beacon of a new exciting future.. unfortunately 60yrs on it is a run down, characterless dump. Full of chavs and shell suits....and I'm incredibly proud to say..boasts a 97p shop amongst the plethera of £1 shops. #classy

*Orinoco pipes up at this point to ask what a '97p shop' is?* Jenni gives him a playful tweak of his cheek and says that if he's well behaved for the rest of the interview she'll take him to see for himself, of cause provided that he brings exact change for any items he should wish to purchase.

hahahaha and of cause you support Stevenage Town Football Club, how did you end up supporting the local team? and has it been a rollercoaster journey of ups and downs?

Ahhh...yes. My beloved Stevenage FC!! The powers that be, may have rebranded it when we finally attained our football league status..but we stalwarts will always know it as 'Boro'. Many, many ups over the last 10 or so years.. cup upsets like beating Norwich, Newcastle, pushing Spurs to a replay and taking the lead at White Hart Lane..giving Everton a scare. Winning our Lge 2 promotion playoff at Old Trafford!! #sigh #happydays ...and of course being the first team to lift a trophy at the new Wembley Stadium!! (We've played there 3 times you know ..2 wins and a loss).. Our little team, with an average home gate of 3k, are always punching above our weight. Tinpot and proud of our non- lge roots x

ahhh tin pot and proud as you say :D I do love a good footy match, although I must admit since Wimbledon relocated to Milton Keynes, the quality of football on offer on the Common is less exciting. These days they seem to hold the matches at night, in the woods, and you have to have a car to go and watch, not my sort of thing at all, anyway, of cause you teach a reception year class at school, do you regale your little ones with the fine exploits of Stevenage Town FC??

Oh, indeedy!! Children need to be schooled in football related knowledge ....especially with teams like Luton (bleurch) nearby.

hahahahaha, yes the dreaded Luton! eeek~! I also wanted to ask you how do you think Wombles compare to small children, other than being about the same sort of size and interest in shiny things?

*Orinoco looks up longing mid-mini-fried egg to hear Jenni's answer*

I think Wombles are hairier and more furry...but little children are smellier and far more dangerous.

*Orinoco satisfied with the answer resumes eating, while Jenni strokes the top of his head* Mmmm seems like a reasonable answer. I have as much trouble getting them to do their homework though, so there are similarities I suppose. Now, moving on to a different topic,  I wanted to ask you some questions about tattoos, you recently got your first? was it a spare of the moment thing or had you always wanted one?

Yep..I have a mandala on my chest just under my left collar bone. Tattoos are hot tho aren't they? I've always found them very attractive, some are just like beautiful works of art. I never thought I'd have one myself. Then I got to a 'certain age' and thought 'bugger it'... A bit of a mid-life crisis, if you will.

I see and what was it like getting it done? did hurt? will there be more planned?

No..didn't hurt a bit. The guys at Style on Skin in Stevenage are lovely, and it was a pleasant experience all round. Yeah...it's very addictive!! I have an appointment next week to have one in the middle of my back! #rebel #inkedJen

Goodness! that sounds quite extravagent, I must admit I do like the idea of the pretty designs, less so the ideal of having red hot needles jabbed into my skin :D *Jenni reassures Boff that it's completely painless, just make sure that you follow the after care instructions properly*

*At this point Bungo who has been uncharacteristically quiet, pipes up that he would get a skull and cross-bones tattoo on his chest, because he's extra tough, but can't really do tattoos on account of the body hair*

hahahah indeed Bungo, and I can imagine what the tattoo artist would say if he saw you strolling in through the door. Anyway, on with the interview, Jenni, I also wanted to ask you about dating, what's the most stupid chat-up line/ daftest way that a gent has asked you out for a drink??

Ahhh...Boffy, bless you!! You're assuming I do get asked out for drinks!! This is sadly not the case...soooo...any offers??? #hehe x

Bungo at this point decides to offer up his own chat-up line I suspect he invented only a few seconds, ago, ahem, "Are you any good at Maths? Its just I'm having difficulty trying to work out if you like me or not", *Jenni blushes and bops Bungo on the nose*, these Wombles are quite cheeky aren't they Boff.

They are! you have to watch them at all times or they run amok, anyway continuining on the same theme have you ever been on a blind date? and if not, would you ever dare to go on one? I think Wellington has rather taken a shine to you there :D

Nope, never been on a blind date either..Wellington is a distinct possibility!! ;)) x Typical though..I rather fancy his mate Orinoco. His nose looks like a piece of pizza with an olive at the end. Have you noticed??

*Now Orinoco blushes, and hides his nose but sticking his face in a paper cup* Ahem, you see to have a new friend there :D *At this point Bungo tries to intervene by showing off his biceps and offering Orinoco and Jenni to an arm wrestling contest* maybe in a bit sweetie, I cant arm wrestle and hold a glass of wine at the same time replies Jenni.

*nicely dodged whispers Boff* So away from school and the razzle dazzle, you're also a mum yourself, so I wanted to ask what's the sweetest thing your son has said/done for mother's day?

My son is a bloody typical Capricorn, as emotionally expressive as a brick!! I get a card if I'm lucky

N'awwwww bless him, well we're also done, and I've just about caught my breath again. So perhaps I could end with one final question about food. If the Wombles and I were to visit again, what speciality dish would you cook for us? and why?

 would make you my very own lentil and tomato soup. I knit it myself you know 😆 xxx

 *Boff bursts out laughing at this*, well having finally made it to the venue and now with a glass of something cold in hand, Boff and Jenni decide to stay on and have a look at the desert menu, the Wombles however have decided to investigate the river some more, particularly the ducks. Join us next week for another installment. 

Tuesday 20 October 2015

The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.4 'Internet Things' featuring @Irethsirfalas

*The camera opens on a complex network of pipes, steam hissing and fogging up the view, like a scene out of the movie Aliens. Our host Boff cautiously steps through the corridor trying to avoid his beard getting a good steaming, two Wombles at his heels wearing gas masks, until suddenly the mist clears and Boff his stood next to a fire exit, where a morbid looking gent, not unlike Richmond from the IT crowd is waiting*

"Oh there you are", says the morbid fellow, before adding "it's this way", swinging open the fire door and down some clinical looking steps, down and down they all go, and then at the bottom along a long corridor, overhead piping dripping in places, "not much further" the morbid gent says. Then passing a ladies toilets and around a bend and we arrive at a door with whirring sounds on the other side, and an old brass sign hanging by a loose screw with the proud title 'IT Department'.

Pushing open the door, the wave of heat hits you in face as a dozen or more PCs radiate their artificial glow into the small room. The gloomy gent leads Boff through the room to a little kitchenette out the back where at a small table is today's guest is sitting with one leg resting across the other cheerfully eating jolly ranchers. She pulls out two more unwrapping the blue one and handing it to Boff, before unwrapping the red one and popping it into her mouth. 

Hello! (says Boff as he sits down) and welcome to another showbiz interview coming to you direct from the Internet Thingys department with Ireth Sirfalas; where our ex-pat is taking a well earned break from looking for glitches in the matrix. Thank you for inviting me down here, it is rather cosy, one thing I did want to ask is how do you cope without windows? do you have anything to help brighten your desk?


Oh darling Boff, welcome to my humble lair *cough* I mean department *squeals excitedly*  oooh Wombles .. pretty fur monsters, come and have a sweetie. 
My darling Boff, I don't use windows, I just use linux instead, oh you mean actual Windows? I don't mind I'm used to the dark crypt like feel, I understand now that they had to get rid of them. I mean how many times did I think I could get away with holding a sign up to the glass saying " help I'm being held captive, call the police " without consequences ? ... 6 Boff, I got away with it 6 times until the police threatened to investigate the company for human trafficking * smiles proudly*
As for brightening up my desk ? I have a lamp ..That's pretty bright *snorts* Ooo ooo and a jar but I'll tell you about that later.

*Ireth grabs Orinco and hoists him up on to her lap, before stroking his head and ears like a Bond villain*, I see, and what's it like working in the data department, have you managed to tell anyone to turn it off and on again? :D

My job is to upload data into the mainframe ..I'm literally in the matrix looking for glitches as you say, so people do tend to think that makes me an I.t whizz, the sad reality is Boff that turning it off and back on again is pretty much my knowledge limit here and in the real outside world upstairs but if that fails I just hit it with a hammer. *Proudly retrieves and holds up toffee hammer from the kitchen drawer*

Excellent, never let a machine be the boss of you I say. Have you seen that film the Terminator, I would never allow that, you cant be too careful, that's why I give my desktop a good kick every now and again so it knows where it stands in the pecking order. Anyway, I'm only teasing really, I bet you're an IT ninja with the best cat pictures on the net, what about working in a male dominated job? do you summon your inner girl power to put the blokes in their place?

It is ok to feed the Wombles jolly ranchers isn't it? *Ireth feeds Orinoco a Jolly rancher to see what happens* You know down in our underground dwelling it is rather misogynistic but I try to thwart that by a) periodically poisoning the coffee and b) using the Americans natural trust in a British accent and a misplaced fear my colleagues have that I'm one accident away in the lab from being a Bond villain to keep them under control. *Continues to stroke Orinoco's head Blofeld style* I know that makes me sound like a bit of a ball breaker but I honestly do have the heart of a sweet girl ... It's in that jar on my desk I was telling you about, but still ...*shrugs*

Oh, is that yours? I wasn't sure who that belonged to, and as you mentioned you're an ex-pat, much like Sting, an English woman living in well, America, did it take much adjusting? and what are the main differences compared to blighty?

Well there's the language barrier of course, nobody tells you about that in the guide books . They all speak a bastardised version of English that makes you want to weep into your Oxford dictionary. Plus they don't know what half of our swear words mean so I'm quite often heard baffling the locals with such delights as...

Don't be a dickhead 
Cock weasel 
Cock stain  ,etc ,etc...  
they really don't have a clue so it's nice to unleash my potty mouth on the unsuspecting titbagginfannybadgers. The other thing that stands out is the stores here don't stock what I need, there's no marmite, smarties, mini cheddars, monster munch,Yorkshire tea, cheese & onion crisps, chocolate digestives, Brown sauce ..the list goes on  I mean ffs it's against the Geneva convention surely. 
I quite agree, a proper cup of tea is a basic human right :D and what about the American food? what's the best thing to order on the menu and why?

There's plenty of BBQ places, that seems to be the most favoured restaurant type ..that and the olive garden which promises the taste of Italy ..presumably the chef has never been to Italy because it's nasty. Portions are huge, everything comes with a vat of fizzy pop but if I had to recommend anywhere it would be Quaker steak & lube ..where else can you get a lube burger with all the trimmings and get your car oil changed hahaha no but for a fantastic milk shake, Bar my own of course hehe I'd go to shake & steak for the best birthday cake shake ever. Try not to eat at the road kill cafe though their slogan is "from your grill to ours".

mmmm meeeeeeaaat, meat meat meat, yum...hahah okay, enough of the small talk lets get to the good stuff, you're a potty mouthed hobbit with a penchant for shoes, shiny and critters. As you can see I've brought the Wombles with me, if we were to go on an adventure where would we go and what would we do?

Boff we would have to load up the car like Thelma & Louise and embark on a road trip across the state's. We would of course be more fear and loathing in Las Vegas than Thelma and Louise, I'd pack all my good pills and we can see the biggest ball of yarn, Area 51 and other delights this vast crazy land has to offer.

hahahah I'd like that, God knows what Las Vegas would make of us, and knowing Bungo we'd probably get deported, but if you had to design a superhero costume for us to go on our adventure, what would it look like?

Naturally the Wombles will have to dress as Elvis in various stages of his life. I quite fancy the black and white furry skunk outfit from barbarella coupled with maleficent wings and horns as my outfit. But to be honest we would have to match so I'd go with something like Riff Raff and Magenta wore to go back to Transylvania in the Rocky horror picture show.

Oh now that I could do, I have quite the character for playing Riff Raff, maybe Uncle Bulgaria could be Dr Frank N Furter, *bursts out laughing at the thought* ahhhh and breathe, so of cause you're a big lord of the rings fan, what do you love most about the movies?

well as you know I'm a potty mouthed hobbit, these films tell the stories of my people, they're quite accurate except the foot thing .. mine are small, hairless and tattooed but everything else is correct.

mmmmm makes a lot of sense, I can see you channelling your inner hobbit into your work, there are similarities between IT department folk and the fellowship of the ring, ahhh and if you could write your own movie, what would it be about? and what would it include?

My own movie .. bloody hell, it would be a cross between dog soldiers, Harry potter, Lord of the rings and the hunger games. Only with animals as the hero's hunting down the humans. Raccoon over lords with an army of lycanthropes watching as humans enter the arena in a battle to the death using magic and gladiator style strategy while orcs and elves battle using dragons and dinosaurs for the realm beyond the thunderdome. But no dolphins I bloody hate those tuna hogging fat fishy bastards.

True, I read that book by Douglas Adams, first sign of trouble they scarpered to some kind of Off-planet Dolphin pleasure world. Ah I can see it now, the Fellowship of the dog soldier: Goblet of Jennifer Lawrence, hahahah brilliant. What about your plans, what's in the future for Ireth? are you planning on escaping planet IT and running away to Las Vegas? possibly with your attorney in tow?

Well I consulted the tarot cards and apparently I'm going to meet a tall dark stranger ..he better bring his own haribo and duct tape this time . I started a website called www.Kitchwitchcraft.com ..yes I know shameless plug there... But you have seen where I work so you know I have no shame. I sell my wares .. by wares I mean vintage tat I pick up, not my actual tata's although those technically are classed as vintage now lol. Failing that I'm Vegas bound to be a stripper shaking my milk cannons up a pole for poker chips and a bag of chips.

Vintage tatas, how marvellous, I might pay a visit myself, well, perhaps we should conclude our interview by going bowling and picking up a nice rug for the living room, do you know any good places open on the shabbas?

Come my bubeleh boychicks I'll take you to cousin Avraham, he has a shop in the shtetle selling rugs, kidneys, medicine ..what ever you need and none of it is schlock . Technically he shouldn't open but he is a nebbish, a real shmendrik goy since he took up with that shiksa goddess from queens now that was a shanda. fershtay ? 
*Boff and Ireth cackle maniacally* So my love it has been a pleasure visiting today but now its time to leave. "Oh Boffy, says Ireth, you're not allowed to leave, none of us are". You mean the only way to escape is to go on some kind of Maze runner quest and hope that we get requested by James Bond? *Ireth continues to stroke Orinoco* Bond?! where!
Hopefully Boff will escape or next week's interview will have to use Eamon Holmes to fill in... 

Tuesday 13 October 2015

The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.3 'Hot stuff' featuring The Long Haired Git (@Lhgmk2)

*The camera opens outside a dingy club where a burly looking bouncer is holding back hordes of screaming young ladies desperate to get in. The bouncer lets our host Boff and the cameraman past; where inside a flight of stairs lead upward with Christmas bead lighting forming an archway over each step. At the top of the stairs a little door opens into a smoky room, the single gap in the ceiling to floor length curtains letting in the blinding day light, and then there looking like he melted across a chase long in leather trousers and a dress shirt open to the waist is today's guest*

*Boff takes up a seat at a little round table, while our guest eyes him keenly without moving. A simple 'snap of his fingers', and a young lady in a mini skirt arrives at the table with a martini on a tray* oooh thank you, extra dry, very nice. Hello my darlings, I'm here to catch today's guest, who's gathering some brief respite before continuing with his busy schedule. Now, our guest is something of a showbizz enigma, some people say he's the man at the other end of Noel Edmond's telephone, others say he's a billionaire play boy philanthropist with a keen interest in shiny armour, yet others say his deft use of a camera and witty prose is enough to turn most to putty in his hands, all I know is that round my way he's called the long haired git. *LHG just smiles to himself and adjusts his head slightly to look more directly at Boff*. Thank you so much for inviting us to come and see you today, it really is a pleasure. I wanted to begin by asking what kind of day you've had so far? what have you been up to in the last 24 hours?

Indecently pleased you could make it my dear fellow, oh, its been exhausting, turning depression into practicable sexual idolatry, hypochondria into legitimate seduction techniques, all to the usual array of soft candlelight, filthy southern rock, and the scents of winter spices. However, appearances can be deceptive, take Milandra here, while her manner of dress may shock, its really no more than a purely utilitarian measure. Mere workaday. I was of course showing her the correct way to polish her tortoise. Something for her forum friends. Its far more difficult than it sounds, and she, being a mere beginner required a thorough walkthrough. In fact until the proper shine was achieved, it took something of a double buffing. I'm really quite exhausted. The brandy of course, a gratuity well earned.

I see, wow, and you did that twice? wow. I didn't even know she had a tortoise, that's lovely, and I guess also, my readers would like to get to know the real you a little more, I know you're many things to many people, but how do you see yourself? how would you describe yourself?

For a while I struggled with notions of identity, not because of any lack, and I'll not spin a tale of square pegs and round holes, rather the converse, I am, contrary to appearances, a mere putty to cement others dreams. This is not to say I don't present a certain image, but finding ones place is an excruciating challenge for the talented, classically handsome, and infinitely applicable. Instead, self image becomes a question of delicious balances, the zenith of which is not success itself, but the accommodation of the internal human, the peership of truth, the evolutionary, ever changing pillar of trust. To be seen only as needed.

 Often accused of a mercurial nature, yet, I am merely a mirror. A shifting wavelength, a Rosetta for the lost. I am as .....required, yet inside....I am as you....refined....for you. The laughter in the woods, the day or night holds the tones. Hell, or healer, is always your choice.

Ok, I'm an arrogant prick


Oh Sir, I think you're being rather too hard yourself, you are however an enigma and a swirly vortex of word-play and wit, so perhaps we can move on then, we've already mentioned that you are quite the deft photographer, can I ask what in your opinion makes a good photograph?

A pithy question, subject to a million whims. For some its a shadow of a feeling, an insulation for histories to come, memory never quite as the eye or heart remembers. Lenses are not minds, so we photographers impudently brand an angle on the passage of time, colouring, filtering, composing, lynch-pinning slices of life.

It is first and foremost, a lie.

It is not and has never been reality, so it must therefore become nuance, art, craft, a weaving in space and time, a compromise, a clash of the organic, and the technological, frustrated by competing with luminosities of all kinds. Perhaps there is never a true result, merely a marker in a personal continuum, the camera often a shield, a prophylactic where we hold back our immediacy, sacrificing reactionary exultation for the further intense scrutiny of tomorrow. We are a bestiary and perception. Photography at its best is a successful negotiation, a geneprint of one that speaks to others, a window to another life. When it pleases me most there is a suspension of stricture, a transposition, a lesson of feeling which imparts to the viewer not only a life you never led, but a frame of mind that is not your own. I want to like the way I'm lied to.


Basically if it moves, I'll shoot the shit out of it. While maniacally trying to possess its soul. Naked chicks with an exhibitionist streak are neat. I stare a lot. Cameras got like 12 buttons. I read the manual. 2 million shots later I can take a focussed picture of a running cheetah over my shoulder with my cock in my hand. People need that.

I....er... see....*Boff shuffles in his seat* and in terms of your own work, are there are particular themes or key aspects you like to include in your work? is it as simple as taking a camera with you and snapping things on the move or do you prepare for your work?

Given I loathe plebeian social gatherings, weddings are obviously a no-no, frankly I'd rather do funeral photography, so if there's a rule one to decent photography, its avoiding all circumstances where a sheep wearing a meringue believes they have all the prerequisite abilities of a movie producer. I have collaborated but prefer to work alone, or intensely with a subject, be they human or animal. In truth animals are better, being they never fake smiles and are seldom reticent about casual nudity, and have not to date ever required a confidence boosting speech.

The other great tool of preparation is to hold discretion utterly precious. From celebrities to small mammals I hold confidences dear, never intruding, influencing at most, subtly. I was a painter long before ever grasping a camera in anger, so that sense of light and description is carried within me, this serves a visual palette, etiquette, and style, the pigments exchanged for light. As a deft photographer I find a great deal of preparation unnecessary, I adore surprises and react quickly, that is a constant trial, and a self accepted challenge. There's a pride and an art, even if working for pay nobody respects you for relinquishing that. Except tasteless asshats. They don't get an opinion and I don't tell them how to be a better asshat.

Well you know an asshat does as an asshat does, *slurps drink a little while Milandra brings a top-up* . Now then aside from photography, there's so much more to you than just photography, you're also quite the orator, so I wanted to ask what's your take on modern society and the current political regime?

Cretins. Absolute cretins. From supermarket vegans on raw diets not voting and swallowing more pesticide than a snail in a Monsanto testing facility, to mafiosa masquerading as businessmen, and their minions the politicians with dicks stuck so deep in revolving doors at rush hour their balls start to whistle with the wind, I'm surprised we're not already dead.

We've got one country with a military ten times the size of anyone else's with bases all over the world selling us propaganda that three countries who haven't invaded anyone in 600 years are a threat to national security, its all beyond laughable. In good old blighty things have shifted so far right its almost heresy to mention the word " sharing, and clearly being disabled is a cue for the pack to turn and tear its weaker members limb from limb. You need a mortgage for a garden shed, and people are on thorazine to avoid taking a sick-day off work with a cold. In the future a pension will be someone who refuses to use pens. Frankly things have got so neoconservative I could bring back hanging. Probably get applause. As a rule of thumb, I generally distrust any well spoken man without facial hair. Especially ones that shaved their heads 20 years early because their mistress requires it. Willie Nelson wouldn't fuck over your gran for twenty quid a week.

 
Its the reactionary nature of mankind you see, few seek truth, social media really highlights that tendency. Outrage is no longer pre-emptive, outcry has become a new courtship ritual, like pecs on the office worker, morality as divorce proceedings in the nursing home, rebellion in a tie, an expression of emasculation, an overcompensation for lacking tangible virility and the decisiveness that accompanies it. Mankind freewheeling clumsily in its search for new cajones.

Well politics is all bollocks anyway, but what about people in a more general sense? you've mixed with the great and the good, what have you learned about personal interaction? are you something of a social mover and shaker?

On personal interaction, its better not to mix with the general population, they range from personality clones to the diseased and easily offended. I like offending them, but its like painting the fourth bridge. I accept acolytes grudgingly, but its hard finding suitably defiant and attractive ones. Also they tend to be short, and I have a bad back. All in all, its like watching coronation street when you were in the mood for an Ingmar Bergman, and I have yet to see what's "fat" about a beat, or how weighing 8 stone in a tracksuit works in winter. Moreover there's only so many times you can tell them having four kids at Armageddon isn't a plus before you start laughing.

Its true, I have met a number of celebrities, and they all have one thing in common, and that is an inner simplicity that often outweighs their public careers or persona. Some are wankers of course, but usually its a veneer, and many like to make cider, do the gardening, a seatful of cocaine and sleep with thai shemales, and call en ex wife at the same time, that sort of thing. The simple pleasures. Like any common man would. They are however never as advertised. Enfant terrible Nigel Kennedy bought me a beer on no introduction, within ten seconds of noticing I'd lost my wallet. True story. No violins needed. As for photographing them, its simple, I'm documenting them, not living vicariously through them. In a world of a million outstretched palms the one who asks for nothing may find a friend. I have no idols, see no celebrities, just people.

Weirdly, I find myself influential. A wider effect of having invested a sharp focus on the few has led to insights concerning the many. From two million photograph views with zero public ingratiation, the images standing nameless and alone, to being adept among luminaries the influencer is of course, the truth, it retains a power that deception, even of the flattering kind, cannot muster. Its a flat dull thud that sets the base level, and few evade it for long, for the subconscious subverts all attempts of dominion and crafts an easy, though painful acceptance. It is the firm foundation to rebuild the self, and ones society. My sheer sexual charisma usually seals the deal. Failing that a photo of your cat adoring you proves to virtually anyone that your utterly trustworthy, even if you do drive a jaguar, and plan on blackmailing the UN by hijacking a laser satellite.

 

hahahah that's very Bondian but I'm also guessing that in all the hustle and bustle you must like to enjoy the silence too? what's your favourite way of finding space for yourself? do you enjoy a good lazy Sunday morning in bed? or day away to seaside for quiet contemplation??

My work has its solace, and what it can lack in glamour it more than makes up for in a sensuality, from richness of image to its soundscape. I am alone in a crowd, and part of the crowd in nature, where chatter is bird calls in mist, the beat of a butterfly wings the rhythm, it is hobby, love, and sustenance. Also, I compose utter crap, from rock to classical. Its brilliant for immediately getting rid of people. Failing that I shout at everyone until they sod off. Also my latest book is approaching two million words, it fills those insomnia nights with all a life would otherwise lack. It gets quite porny frankly, and usually the humans all die. I find that soothing.

mmmm makes sense. You've also described yourself as something of a fucknado, so I wanted to ask what's the best / silliest argument you've seen or been involved with? Personally I do love it when I'm on a train and someone is ranting down the phone at a colleague.

Oh lord, that's a long list, since I turned thirty my IDGAF seriously kicked in. Plus I have a supervillains voice a bit like the Djinn in Wishmaster that starts happening when I get annoyed so I tend to take the assholes no-one else does.

Since you mentioned trains I'll start do that one.

Late night train back from Wales. I had nodded off. Woke bleary. Largely empty carriage, couple of Indian girls looking nervous, sat a few seats behind. This asshole, nazi tattoos, Mohawk, the works, just staring at them. You know how I love those guys.
Anyway, air was thick, this guy was gonna kick off. So I give him one of my raised eyebrow Paddington bear hard stares. So he starts on me.  I do the whole " just ease off the pal making the ladies nervous " thing.He starts in with a load of fairly hideous racist comments, I'm a lover of this and that apparently...and yeah I had a half Asian GF for years so yeah , I'm annoyed. He squares up, as per usual form asks me what I'm looking at.
" An anaemic Biro addict that headfucked a chicken?"
"Fkin what?"
" ok...I'll talk in a language you can understand"
"Yeeaaah?"
"PUCKUCK!"
He just swore and left. Was sure he'd go for it.
Indian lass just giggled and said " Puckuck? Really? Puckuck?"

Smiled for miles.


hahahahaha Perhaps we could also discuss something else close to your heart, you've said in your bio that you're a wildlife rescuer, are animals and nature something important to you? and what do you think people could do more to help protect nature?

Read. Lots. Be really aware of corporate trolls and moles in care websites, zoos, and particularly the fishkeeping and exotic sectors. Don't anthropomorphise your pet. Triple your cost estimates and exceed minimum enclosure sizes massively.

The first step in wildlife preservation is really to drop the human concentric view. Its held sway for hundreds of years too long, and as a result we've killed more than half of the earth's whole biomass. We fix it, or we all die. Not cheery, but true enough. Preserve all possible wildlife corridors, don't support or buy any product that causes significant ecological damage, and frankly remember wildlife is seriously more linked to our survival than domestics ever can be, so expend your energies in the right place. I could go on for days, but I won't. Humanity knows in its heart what it must do. Retract. Give back, use less stuff, be less prone to the foibles of fashion, create permanence. Scientific advancement does not beat conservation for effectiveness, never will, and time is short. You keep what you leave alive, living free, connected.

Mmmmm very true. Our interview is already drawing close to an end and I feel like we've only scratched the surface, I did want to ask you whether from your experiences you've learnt any particular words of wisdom you wanted to pass on to the great and the good?

Messages of positivity are exclusively introduced to you by by people who want to enslave you, your children , your friends, and want you to smile about your own inevitable doom at their hands. Kill them with burning dogshit. And selfie with them.
Also be nicer to violinists than you might have felt you needed to be.
Curvy chicks are way better in bed....
..and ...erm.....remember plastic boobs aren't genes?
...and sex before work. Cos sexual imperatives. Don't dare defy them for a happy life.
Whitescale properly.
Get your damn chin up in selfies, you ain't a spring chicken no more.
If you sepia tone your pics people think you smell of piss.
Don't smoke in your sleep.
That's all I got.

I see, I think that's equally deep and amusing. Well, that about brings us to the close of our interview but as a final question, I wanted to ask who would play you in the film of your life and why?

Tricky. I could bow to vanity and gravitas, but perhaps something more subtle is needed.
Toby Schmitz, for those unfamiliar, he plays Calico Jack Rackham in Black Sails. He has that posh sense of WTF? Something I feel pretty much all the time.
On a bad day, Ian McShane. As he was in Deadwood. Obvious reasons.


Hahahaha excellent, with that LHG waves his hand to indicate he's tired and a gentleman in a suit, who's been there the whole time without us noticing comes across to usher Boff and the camera crew back out again. As Boff leaves glancing over his shoulder he can see LHG smiling and nodding, to go forth and make well...

Tuesday 6 October 2015

The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.2 "The Great Outdoors - sort of" Featuring @kachelaMurray

*The camera opens on a dramatic scene as waves crash down onto the Giant's Causeway, only a short distance away on a nearby camping site is an elderly man with a bushy beard wrapped in a blanket nursing the mother of all hang-overs while in the background a diminutive red-head is busying making a fry-up*

Hello dear friends, *groans* the last 72 hours have been something of a blur, you see I've gone on holiday by mistake. When today's guest invited me across to the beautiful Northern Ireland, I thought what a wonderful idea, to take in the sites of Belfast, taste some real guinness ale, and then come here to visit the Giant's Causeway. Unfortunately that was before the Birkenhead ferry in force nine gales, and the fact that despite her 'pocket rocket' appearance my darling @Kachelamurray like her countrymen can drink an awful lot of alcohol without feeling the after effects, I on the over hand like a true English gent only have to get a whiff of chardonnay and be a way with the fairies.

"Are you feeling any better yet Boffy", trills Kachela, as she serves up a proper Ulster fry-up complete with griddled bread. "You talk in your sleep you know", *gulp* I do? *blushes* "but at least you don't fart too much for a boy..." ahhh the joys of sharing a tent with Kachela, Mr Kachela, children and three wombles, did I mention it was a three-man tent? and with the sound of Bow Bells still ringing in between my ears, our interview gets under way, so I guess we should start at the beginning, because it's as good a place to start as any, can I ask what was it like growing up as a child in Northern Ireland?

Well I grew up in a Northern Ireland very different to the one my kids are enjoying in their formative years. The theme to my childhood was one of conflict and uncertainty. The scenery while beautiful could alter at any given second. The soundtrack one of whirring helicopters, bombs in town centres and actors voices dubbing over Gerry Adams on news reports. Also a nod to guest appearances from soldiers crouched at the bottom of the garden during impromptu road checks outside your house..... *stares off dreamily into distance* ..... ahhhhhh memories.

But we being kids couldn't have given a jot about such things. I wasn't originally from the big smoke of Belfast - I grew up on the edge of a big country town surrounded with fields outside. We were too busy spending our days roaming country lanes and, when the hormones kicked in, meeting boys who stunk of Lynx Africa for a sneaky snog up some alley way or other in the town centre of a Saturday afternoon! ;)

Hmmm *Boff pushes his beans around the plate* It sounds quite nerve racking if exciting, thank god we live in more peaceful times now, perhaps continuing on the same theme coming back to your teenage years can you remember what it was like when you first entered a pub as teen? did you get into many scrapes?

Ahh The Pink Pussycat, the theatre of dreams for the teenagers of Tyrone. I still have palpitations at the memories of trying to memorise my "date of birth" (ahem) whilst inwardly doing a decat of the rosary in the hope that we'd bluff our way past the gatekeepers (ie. scary hairy bouncers). Once in, the fear continued as we stood shaking at the bar in our maxi skirts and cherry DM boots praying the purveyors of alcoholic beverages wouldn't see past our layers of cheap foundation and the desperate slick of Rimmel Heather Shimmer and recognise our sophisticated, OVER 18 alter egos in all their quaking glory. And finally, there it was, in all its chilled, glistening, promising glory ..... the holy grail - a bottle of Diamond White. Christ. Could no one have told my younger self that shit ain't worth that amount of effort. But sure after a few who cared? It was shoes off on the dancefloor!


hahahah, now that brings back memories for me too, shaking my funky caboose on the dance floor to Spandau Ballet :D and have you had to rescue any friends from the admiring eyes of prospective beaus after a sherry or two?

Well now there's a question. Not sure if it's a region thing or an age thing but oh my, there were numerous run ins with over amorous young bucks back in the day! *shudders*

hahahahah I can imagine! Perhaps a change of topic now then, you're here on holiday with your good Mr Murray, how did you two meet and did he do anything special to win your heart?

Well a change of topic that stays on topic. We met in a bar in Belfast. The Apartment overlooking the glittering lights of City Hall. He was sober, I was slightly inebriated so obviously it was love at first sight. Putting up with your drunken antics whilst he's in sobrietus perfectum is enough to win any fair lady's heart. Plus phoning to check you've made your way home safely is always a winner! A gent! *sighs*

*Mr Murray, who's sat on a camping stool opposite Boff and also looks in better condition than Boff, despite after having joined in the drinking session, smiles and blows kachela a kiss* N'awww you two, that's very sweet. Now then I see and  of cause Northern Ireland is also quite a wet place with a fair amount of rainful (hence why it's so green), so I wanted to ask what's your favourite rainy day activity with the kids?

Sticking them in front of Peppa Pig on the iPad.

Ahh naw I jest! Plenty to do in Belfast in the rain. Ulster Museum, W5, Titanic building, trampolining at Vertigo, a show at the Opera House. So much has changed here for the better. No excuse for a child to be bored! Let's just hope it continues! It's an amazing place, full of amazing, creative people. Some idiots admittedly but we'll not let them drag us back into the past.

And of course at home on rainy days there are always books. Books to whisk them off anywhere they wish to go from Hogwarts to Wonderland. A good book is a wonderful thing at any age.


Mmmmm I do love a good book, and in terms of motherhood, do you have any hopes and dreams for your kids? what advice would you give them for a happy life?

I hope they will grow in a place filled with hope. Filled with love. Filled with tolerance and understanding of differing cultures. It's a wonderful place for the best part but it's a tinderbox that could ignite at any given time as some with an appetite for conflict await any excuse to set it alight. I'll not elaborate as I value my knee caps ;)

On a more personal level I want them to explore life, the world, people and all these things have to offer until they find what impassions them and then follow it relentlessly. Unless it's dangerous. Or illegal.

Already the 6 year old plans on being in MI5 and the 4 year old a worldwide pop sensation. Sure let’s see how it all pans out.


ahhh bless them, I remember when Orinoco went through his cowboy phase, you couldn't sit down without getting a toy gun/bow and arrow/toy horse up your bum. He spent ours perfecting the John Wayne accent. hahaha aaaah happy days, and how are you enjoying the camping? have you been camping before and if so did you survive?

Camping??!? Are you mad??!!? Have you seen my shoes. *tuts*


ahhh I see, well if this is the first time I think you're doing marvellously. *Kachela stops and stares for a moment, before pointing at her feet, which has a lovely pair of shoes protected by two shopping bags* ahhh okay, says Boff, well when I was younger we once camped in a field with a bull by mistake, that was fun, when the bull came to pay us a visit at about 11:30pm :D hahaha so if I turned up at your door at gone midnight, soaking wet, with a fluffy penguin under one arm and a pillow in the other what would you say or do?

'mon in wee love. Ya can kip on the living room floor 'til the morning then I'll take you down St. George's Market for some Suki tea and a Belfast Bap. That'll sort you.
*Mr Murray bursts out laughing at this, and chips in, so long as you don't leave any dirty laundry on the sofa* Well really! and as a self confessed Vertically challenged ginger with a penchant for talking nonsense. Will work for shoes and Prosecco. What would be your mutant super power and why?

Well now that's an easy one Boff! The power to turn any frown upside down! Life can be a hard aul course. It's so much easier for everyone when you try and put a smile on your face!

Oh and of course my superhero outfit would be beautifully cut and set off to perfection with a pair of fabulous shoes – also a glass of something fizzy in hand rather than a weapon. Obviously.

hahahahah brilliant, and also a question I have always been curious about, why do women love shoes and handbags so much out of interest?

That one is quite obvious. No matter how much weight you may put on, your shoes and handbags will always fit! Unless your feet swell. Eugh, the horror!!!

I see, well, I have to say this fry-up has perked me up a little bit, well done, our interview is almost done, but I guess we have time for one more quick question. So I wanted to ask you if you had to pick a new national anthem for Northern Ireland, what would you choose and why? and you can't have Father Ted's 'my lovely horse', Craggy Island already has that.

Damn it, I always have "My Lovely Horse" playing on my head radio during Northern Ireland’s European qualifiers. Well if I can't have that I'll take "Why Can't We Be Friends" http://youtu.be/WJTBPdVpdMc

We're all sides of the same coin – let’s just get a bottle of Bucky from Russell's Cellars and head up the North Coast camping. See yees at the Giants Causeway! ;)


N'awwww and with that breakfast is ready, and with the head Boff has on him he desperately needs it. There's still time to take in the coast before packing up and taking the long winding road back to Belfast and then on to Liverpool before home. So we'll leave Boff and the Murray's to enjoy their breakfast in peace and join you again next week for another of the Moatman interviews.