The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.2 "The Great Outdoors - sort of" Featuring @kachelaMurray

*The camera opens on a dramatic scene as waves crash down onto the Giant's Causeway, only a short distance away on a nearby camping site is an elderly man with a bushy beard wrapped in a blanket nursing the mother of all hang-overs while in the background a diminutive red-head is busying making a fry-up*

Hello dear friends, *groans* the last 72 hours have been something of a blur, you see I've gone on holiday by mistake. When today's guest invited me across to the beautiful Northern Ireland, I thought what a wonderful idea, to take in the sites of Belfast, taste some real guinness ale, and then come here to visit the Giant's Causeway. Unfortunately that was before the Birkenhead ferry in force nine gales, and the fact that despite her 'pocket rocket' appearance my darling @Kachelamurray like her countrymen can drink an awful lot of alcohol without feeling the after effects, I on the over hand like a true English gent only have to get a whiff of chardonnay and be a way with the fairies.

"Are you feeling any better yet Boffy", trills Kachela, as she serves up a proper Ulster fry-up complete with griddled bread. "You talk in your sleep you know", *gulp* I do? *blushes* "but at least you don't fart too much for a boy..." ahhh the joys of sharing a tent with Kachela, Mr Kachela, children and three wombles, did I mention it was a three-man tent? and with the sound of Bow Bells still ringing in between my ears, our interview gets under way, so I guess we should start at the beginning, because it's as good a place to start as any, can I ask what was it like growing up as a child in Northern Ireland?

Well I grew up in a Northern Ireland very different to the one my kids are enjoying in their formative years. The theme to my childhood was one of conflict and uncertainty. The scenery while beautiful could alter at any given second. The soundtrack one of whirring helicopters, bombs in town centres and actors voices dubbing over Gerry Adams on news reports. Also a nod to guest appearances from soldiers crouched at the bottom of the garden during impromptu road checks outside your house..... *stares off dreamily into distance* ..... ahhhhhh memories.

But we being kids couldn't have given a jot about such things. I wasn't originally from the big smoke of Belfast - I grew up on the edge of a big country town surrounded with fields outside. We were too busy spending our days roaming country lanes and, when the hormones kicked in, meeting boys who stunk of Lynx Africa for a sneaky snog up some alley way or other in the town centre of a Saturday afternoon! ;)

Hmmm *Boff pushes his beans around the plate* It sounds quite nerve racking if exciting, thank god we live in more peaceful times now, perhaps continuing on the same theme coming back to your teenage years can you remember what it was like when you first entered a pub as teen? did you get into many scrapes?

Ahh The Pink Pussycat, the theatre of dreams for the teenagers of Tyrone. I still have palpitations at the memories of trying to memorise my "date of birth" (ahem) whilst inwardly doing a decat of the rosary in the hope that we'd bluff our way past the gatekeepers (ie. scary hairy bouncers). Once in, the fear continued as we stood shaking at the bar in our maxi skirts and cherry DM boots praying the purveyors of alcoholic beverages wouldn't see past our layers of cheap foundation and the desperate slick of Rimmel Heather Shimmer and recognise our sophisticated, OVER 18 alter egos in all their quaking glory. And finally, there it was, in all its chilled, glistening, promising glory ..... the holy grail - a bottle of Diamond White. Christ. Could no one have told my younger self that shit ain't worth that amount of effort. But sure after a few who cared? It was shoes off on the dancefloor!

hahahah, now that brings back memories for me too, shaking my funky caboose on the dance floor to Spandau Ballet :D and have you had to rescue any friends from the admiring eyes of prospective beaus after a sherry or two?

Well now there's a question. Not sure if it's a region thing or an age thing but oh my, there were numerous run ins with over amorous young bucks back in the day! *shudders*

hahahahah I can imagine! Perhaps a change of topic now then, you're here on holiday with your good Mr Murray, how did you two meet and did he do anything special to win your heart?

Well a change of topic that stays on topic. We met in a bar in Belfast. The Apartment overlooking the glittering lights of City Hall. He was sober, I was slightly inebriated so obviously it was love at first sight. Putting up with your drunken antics whilst he's in sobrietus perfectum is enough to win any fair lady's heart. Plus phoning to check you've made your way home safely is always a winner! A gent! *sighs*

*Mr Murray, who's sat on a camping stool opposite Boff and also looks in better condition than Boff, despite after having joined in the drinking session, smiles and blows kachela a kiss* N'awww you two, that's very sweet. Now then I see and  of cause Northern Ireland is also quite a wet place with a fair amount of rainful (hence why it's so green), so I wanted to ask what's your favourite rainy day activity with the kids?

Sticking them in front of Peppa Pig on the iPad.

Ahh naw I jest! Plenty to do in Belfast in the rain. Ulster Museum, W5, Titanic building, trampolining at Vertigo, a show at the Opera House. So much has changed here for the better. No excuse for a child to be bored! Let's just hope it continues! It's an amazing place, full of amazing, creative people. Some idiots admittedly but we'll not let them drag us back into the past.

And of course at home on rainy days there are always books. Books to whisk them off anywhere they wish to go from Hogwarts to Wonderland. A good book is a wonderful thing at any age.

Mmmmm I do love a good book, and in terms of motherhood, do you have any hopes and dreams for your kids? what advice would you give them for a happy life?

I hope they will grow in a place filled with hope. Filled with love. Filled with tolerance and understanding of differing cultures. It's a wonderful place for the best part but it's a tinderbox that could ignite at any given time as some with an appetite for conflict await any excuse to set it alight. I'll not elaborate as I value my knee caps ;)

On a more personal level I want them to explore life, the world, people and all these things have to offer until they find what impassions them and then follow it relentlessly. Unless it's dangerous. Or illegal.

Already the 6 year old plans on being in MI5 and the 4 year old a worldwide pop sensation. Sure let’s see how it all pans out.

ahhh bless them, I remember when Orinoco went through his cowboy phase, you couldn't sit down without getting a toy gun/bow and arrow/toy horse up your bum. He spent ours perfecting the John Wayne accent. hahaha aaaah happy days, and how are you enjoying the camping? have you been camping before and if so did you survive?

Camping??!? Are you mad??!!? Have you seen my shoes. *tuts*

ahhh I see, well if this is the first time I think you're doing marvellously. *Kachela stops and stares for a moment, before pointing at her feet, which has a lovely pair of shoes protected by two shopping bags* ahhh okay, says Boff, well when I was younger we once camped in a field with a bull by mistake, that was fun, when the bull came to pay us a visit at about 11:30pm :D hahaha so if I turned up at your door at gone midnight, soaking wet, with a fluffy penguin under one arm and a pillow in the other what would you say or do?

'mon in wee love. Ya can kip on the living room floor 'til the morning then I'll take you down St. George's Market for some Suki tea and a Belfast Bap. That'll sort you.
*Mr Murray bursts out laughing at this, and chips in, so long as you don't leave any dirty laundry on the sofa* Well really! and as a self confessed Vertically challenged ginger with a penchant for talking nonsense. Will work for shoes and Prosecco. What would be your mutant super power and why?

Well now that's an easy one Boff! The power to turn any frown upside down! Life can be a hard aul course. It's so much easier for everyone when you try and put a smile on your face!

Oh and of course my superhero outfit would be beautifully cut and set off to perfection with a pair of fabulous shoes – also a glass of something fizzy in hand rather than a weapon. Obviously.

hahahahah brilliant, and also a question I have always been curious about, why do women love shoes and handbags so much out of interest?

That one is quite obvious. No matter how much weight you may put on, your shoes and handbags will always fit! Unless your feet swell. Eugh, the horror!!!

I see, well, I have to say this fry-up has perked me up a little bit, well done, our interview is almost done, but I guess we have time for one more quick question. So I wanted to ask you if you had to pick a new national anthem for Northern Ireland, what would you choose and why? and you can't have Father Ted's 'my lovely horse', Craggy Island already has that.

Damn it, I always have "My Lovely Horse" playing on my head radio during Northern Ireland’s European qualifiers. Well if I can't have that I'll take "Why Can't We Be Friends" http://youtu.be/WJTBPdVpdMc

We're all sides of the same coin – let’s just get a bottle of Bucky from Russell's Cellars and head up the North Coast camping. See yees at the Giants Causeway! ;)

N'awwww and with that breakfast is ready, and with the head Boff has on him he desperately needs it. There's still time to take in the coast before packing up and taking the long winding road back to Belfast and then on to Liverpool before home. So we'll leave Boff and the Murray's to enjoy their breakfast in peace and join you again next week for another of the Moatman interviews.