The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.4 'Internet Things' featuring @Irethsirfalas

*The camera opens on a complex network of pipes, steam hissing and fogging up the view, like a scene out of the movie Aliens. Our host Boff cautiously steps through the corridor trying to avoid his beard getting a good steaming, two Wombles at his heels wearing gas masks, until suddenly the mist clears and Boff his stood next to a fire exit, where a morbid looking gent, not unlike Richmond from the IT crowd is waiting*

"Oh there you are", says the morbid fellow, before adding "it's this way", swinging open the fire door and down some clinical looking steps, down and down they all go, and then at the bottom along a long corridor, overhead piping dripping in places, "not much further" the morbid gent says. Then passing a ladies toilets and around a bend and we arrive at a door with whirring sounds on the other side, and an old brass sign hanging by a loose screw with the proud title 'IT Department'.

Pushing open the door, the wave of heat hits you in face as a dozen or more PCs radiate their artificial glow into the small room. The gloomy gent leads Boff through the room to a little kitchenette out the back where at a small table is today's guest is sitting with one leg resting across the other cheerfully eating jolly ranchers. She pulls out two more unwrapping the blue one and handing it to Boff, before unwrapping the red one and popping it into her mouth. 

Hello! (says Boff as he sits down) and welcome to another showbiz interview coming to you direct from the Internet Thingys department with Ireth Sirfalas; where our ex-pat is taking a well earned break from looking for glitches in the matrix. Thank you for inviting me down here, it is rather cosy, one thing I did want to ask is how do you cope without windows? do you have anything to help brighten your desk?

Oh darling Boff, welcome to my humble lair *cough* I mean department *squeals excitedly*  oooh Wombles .. pretty fur monsters, come and have a sweetie. 

My darling Boff, I don't use windows, I just use linux instead, oh you mean actual Windows? I don't mind I'm used to the dark crypt like feel, I understand now that they had to get rid of them. I mean how many times did I think I could get away with holding a sign up to the glass saying " help I'm being held captive, call the police " without consequences ? ... 6 Boff, I got away with it 6 times until the police threatened to investigate the company for human trafficking * smiles proudly*

As for brightening up my desk ? I have a lamp ..That's pretty bright *snorts* Ooo ooo and a jar but I'll tell you about that later.

*Ireth grabs Orinco and hoists him up on to her lap, before stroking his head and ears like a Bond villain*, I see, and what's it like working in the data department, have you managed to tell anyone to turn it off and on again? :D

My job is to upload data into the mainframe ..I'm literally in the matrix looking for glitches as you say, so people do tend to think that makes me an I.t whizz, the sad reality is Boff that turning it off and back on again is pretty much my knowledge limit here and in the real outside world upstairs but if that fails I just hit it with a hammer. *Proudly retrieves and holds up toffee hammer from the kitchen drawer*

Excellent, never let a machine be the boss of you I say. Have you seen that film the Terminator, I would never allow that, you cant be too careful, that's why I give my desktop a good kick every now and again so it knows where it stands in the pecking order. Anyway, I'm only teasing really, I bet you're an IT ninja with the best cat pictures on the net, what about working in a male dominated job? do you summon your inner girl power to put the blokes in their place?

It is ok to feed the Wombles jolly ranchers isn't it? *Ireth feeds Orinoco a Jolly rancher to see what happens* You know down in our underground dwelling it is rather misogynistic but I try to thwart that by a) periodically poisoning the coffee and b) using the Americans natural trust in a British accent and a misplaced fear my colleagues have that I'm one accident away in the lab from being a Bond villain to keep them under control. *Continues to stroke Orinoco's head Blofeld style* I know that makes me sound like a bit of a ball breaker but I honestly do have the heart of a sweet girl ... It's in that jar on my desk I was telling you about, but still ...*shrugs*

Oh, is that yours? I wasn't sure who that belonged to, and as you mentioned you're an ex-pat, much like Sting, an English woman living in well, America, did it take much adjusting? and what are the main differences compared to blighty?

Well there's the language barrier of course, nobody tells you about that in the guide books . They all speak a bastardised version of English that makes you want to weep into your Oxford dictionary. Plus they don't know what half of our swear words mean so I'm quite often heard baffling the locals with such delights as...

Don't be a dickhead 

Cock weasel 

Cock stain  ,etc ,etc...  

they really don't have a clue so it's nice to unleash my potty mouth on the unsuspecting titbagginfannybadgers. The other thing that stands out is the stores here don't stock what I need, there's no marmite, smarties, mini cheddars, monster munch,Yorkshire tea, cheese & onion crisps, chocolate digestives, Brown sauce ..the list goes on  I mean ffs it's against the Geneva convention surely. 

I quite agree, a proper cup of tea is a basic human right :D and what about the American food? what's the best thing to order on the menu and why?

There's plenty of BBQ places, that seems to be the most favoured restaurant type ..that and the olive garden which promises the taste of Italy ..presumably the chef has never been to Italy because it's nasty. Portions are huge, everything comes with a vat of fizzy pop but if I had to recommend anywhere it would be Quaker steak & lube ..where else can you get a lube burger with all the trimmings and get your car oil changed hahaha no but for a fantastic milk shake, Bar my own of course hehe I'd go to shake & steak for the best birthday cake shake ever. Try not to eat at the road kill cafe though their slogan is "from your grill to ours".

mmmm meeeeeeaaat, meat meat meat, yum...hahah okay, enough of the small talk lets get to the good stuff, you're a potty mouthed hobbit with a penchant for shoes, shiny and critters. As you can see I've brought the Wombles with me, if we were to go on an adventure where would we go and what would we do?

Boff we would have to load up the car like Thelma & Louise and embark on a road trip across the state's. We would of course be more fear and loathing in Las Vegas than Thelma and Louise, I'd pack all my good pills and we can see the biggest ball of yarn, Area 51 and other delights this vast crazy land has to offer.

hahahah I'd like that, God knows what Las Vegas would make of us, and knowing Bungo we'd probably get deported, but if you had to design a superhero costume for us to go on our adventure, what would it look like?

Naturally the Wombles will have to dress as Elvis in various stages of his life. I quite fancy the black and white furry skunk outfit from barbarella coupled with maleficent wings and horns as my outfit. But to be honest we would have to match so I'd go with something like Riff Raff and Magenta wore to go back to Transylvania in the Rocky horror picture show.

Oh now that I could do, I have quite the character for playing Riff Raff, maybe Uncle Bulgaria could be Dr Frank N Furter, *bursts out laughing at the thought* ahhhh and breathe, so of cause you're a big lord of the rings fan, what do you love most about the movies?

well as you know I'm a potty mouthed hobbit, these films tell the stories of my people, they're quite accurate except the foot thing .. mine are small, hairless and tattooed but everything else is correct.

mmmmm makes a lot of sense, I can see you channelling your inner hobbit into your work, there are similarities between IT department folk and the fellowship of the ring, ahhh and if you could write your own movie, what would it be about? and what would it include?

My own movie .. bloody hell, it would be a cross between dog soldiers, Harry potter, Lord of the rings and the hunger games. Only with animals as the hero's hunting down the humans. Raccoon over lords with an army of lycanthropes watching as humans enter the arena in a battle to the death using magic and gladiator style strategy while orcs and elves battle using dragons and dinosaurs for the realm beyond the thunderdome. But no dolphins I bloody hate those tuna hogging fat fishy bastards.

True, I read that book by Douglas Adams, first sign of trouble they scarpered to some kind of Off-planet Dolphin pleasure world. Ah I can see it now, the Fellowship of the dog soldier: Goblet of Jennifer Lawrence, hahahah brilliant. What about your plans, what's in the future for Ireth? are you planning on escaping planet IT and running away to Las Vegas? possibly with your attorney in tow?

Well I consulted the tarot cards and apparently I'm going to meet a tall dark stranger ..he better bring his own haribo and duct tape this time . I started a website called www.Kitchwitchcraft.com ..yes I know shameless plug there... But you have seen where I work so you know I have no shame. I sell my wares .. by wares I mean vintage tat I pick up, not my actual tata's although those technically are classed as vintage now lol. Failing that I'm Vegas bound to be a stripper shaking my milk cannons up a pole for poker chips and a bag of chips.

Vintage tatas, how marvellous, I might pay a visit myself, well, perhaps we should conclude our interview by going bowling and picking up a nice rug for the living room, do you know any good places open on the shabbas?

Come my bubeleh boychicks I'll take you to cousin Avraham, he has a shop in the shtetle selling rugs, kidneys, medicine ..what ever you need and none of it is schlock . Technically he shouldn't open but he is a nebbish, a real shmendrik goy since he took up with that shiksa goddess from queens now that was a shanda. fershtay ? 

*Boff and Ireth cackle maniacally* So my love it has been a pleasure visiting today but now its time to leave. "Oh Boffy, says Ireth, you're not allowed to leave, none of us are". You mean the only way to escape is to go on some kind of Maze runner quest and hope that we get requested by James Bond? *Ireth continues to stroke Orinoco* Bond?! where!

Hopefully Boff will escape or next week's interview will have to use Eamon Holmes to fill in...