Wednesday 23 April 2014

The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.9 @Emmapashmina

After last week's excitement of the Merton Easter sweep stakes, Boff Moatman and the Wombles are back in the comfort of their subterranean home in Wimbledon Common. The Cameras open on a cavernous hall decked with lit candles and soft furnishings. Madame Cholet is arranging a selection of pies on a table by the wall and Uncle Bulgaria in his best butler's uniform is pouring glasses of wine.

"Hello my darlings!" calls Boff Moatman, "and welcome to the splendid home of the Wombles for another of our celebrity twitter interviews". This week's guest is a cultured lady of the arts, so we've done our best to set the right ambiance here in the heart of Wimbledon Common. Even Bungo has swapped his usual Drum n Bass beats for something more sophisticated. "Yes, this week's Wimbledon darling is none other than Emma Pashmina, we'll be discussing art, poetry and travel just as soon as she arrives"

Top-side wearing his best rain coat and dark glasses is Wellington who's doing his best to look incognito while patiently waiting for Emma to arrive before guiding her down a spiral staircase to where Boff and the other wombles are waiting. "Hello Boff!" calls Emma as she enters the hall having to duck a low hanging branch. "I'm so excited to be here, I've always wanted to meet a womble in person, and I love the effect you've got it's very 'Beauty and the Beast' from the Hamilton/Perlman era". Emma's wearing a beautiful flowing blue dress and carrying a case with a selection of her art work (as promised) which will be part of our afternoon's chat. After some introductions with the Wombles who are on their best behaviour we get Emma a nice glass of red wine and a comfortable seat.

Hello, and thank you for joining us Emma, I have so much I would like to ask you, but firstly  to help us warm up a little and to help our readers to get to known you a little better, what five words would you use to describe yourself?

*After pausing to think Emma answers* Artistic, quirky, funny, kind and friendly. 

Those are some good answers, I feel bad for putting you quite so on the spot now, perhaps we should go a little easier with the next one. What was the best joke you've heard recently?

I don't really remember jokes so I can't recite any to you. However the last time I laughed really hard was when I went to see Stewart Lee doing stand up. He doesn't really do 'jokes' in the typical sense. I love how he weaves stories in and refers back to topics from previous stories. He's a very clever man. I haven't watched any of his recent programmes as I don't have a TV. Shocking, I know!

Madame Cholet is surprised to hear that Emma doesn't own a TV. An avid fan of soap operas herself, she can often be found catching up with the comings and goings of the Dingles, or the Mitchells or whatever the family is called on Hollyoaks, but Emma confirms it's quite true and that she manages to survive okay without one. Boff then moves on to the next question; those of us that have had the pleasure of hearing your Audio-boos also know you have a lovely English voice, not least singing included in that. Can you tell us regarding 'accents', what accents you love the most and why?

Thanks! A few people have complimented me on my voice in the AudioBoos I did. I have a really generic southern England sort of accent and am mildly obsessed with more interesting ones. We have such a variety in Britain. Being half Welsh myself I do have a soft spot for Welsh accents. I also really like Geordie and Scouse accents. Softer Scottish and Irish accents are lovely too and can be quite sexy!

The interview is now briefly interrupted as we begin a round of pie testing. Madam Cholet first offers us a rhubarb crumble meets pie affair, before moving on to the blueberry and then a somewhat unusual marshmallow come toffee affair that leaves you with a odd caramel after taste. Emma politely samples each one before congratulating the womble baker with a thumbs up.

*Boff is still wiggling his tongue in his cheek trying to defuse the after taste of the last pie*, Emma gently also removes some crust that has got stuck in his beard. Ooh thank you, I hate when that happens, this pie really does linger a bit, I can still taste caramel and oddly marmite. Anyway perhaps now is a good time to take a look at your art work. *Emma presents Boff with the portfolio of work* ....beautiful, really beautiful, how would you describe your style? and what inspires you to create your works of art?
 
It's hard for me to describe my style. It's definitely colourful but it has evolved a lot over the years and it can vary depending on my mood and what's going on in my life. I get inspired by all kinds of things, music, photography, other artists, anything creative. Nature is obviously a big inspiration too.

..indeed, and many of your art pieces include quotes or references to poetry, are there any particular quotes or poems which are dear to you?

I love quotes. There is a danger that the kind of inspirational quotes I like could come across as twee and I expect a lot of more cynical people would regard them as such. However I have found them motivational and even comforting at times. I recently had a really tough time in my personal life and a friend of mine sent me a poem called Invictus by William Ernest Henley, which seemed to really resonate with me. I also like the saying 'Keep on keeping on'. My favourite quote at the moment is this one by Howard Thurman: 'Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive'

At this point Bungo decides to treat us to one of his favourite poems, although in truth it's more of a limerick and involves a lady from Ealing, before he can finish the oration Boff clasps his hand over Bungo's mouth and goes quite red. "Oh I do apologise how rude", Emma reassures Boff and says actually she's heard that one before, but much prefers the limerick about a Nympho called Alice. *Bungo sniggers*, is that the one that ends with Buckingham Palace? "Oh you've heard it too" laughs Emma, I do love a good giggle.

After another glass of red wine and a chance to regain his composure, Boff decides to change the direction of the conversation. now I would like to ask you a little bit about your travels, what part of the world has been the most fascinating for you?

I love to travel and I try to go to new places each time I go away. I have only been out of Europe once and that was to Marrakesh in March 2011. I found it beautiful, colourful and overwhelming at times but I loved the architecture. Jardin Majorelle (which was owned by Yves Saint Laurent I believe) is a stunning garden tucked away with cacti and other exotic plants and I thoroughly recommend it. I was also lucky enough to go to Copenhagen in July 2012 and I fell in love with it. I was only there for 3 nights but I loved the feel if the place. I liked the fact so many people cycle everywhere and there are proper, safe cycle lanes. I visited as many art galleries and museums as I could in the short time I had. Go there if you have the opportunity. 

...wow, that does sound beautiful, and while on your adventures have you got into any scrapes you could tell us about?
 
Well I am something of a freak magnet and quite often attract the unwanted attentions of odd or creepy people. One that springs to mind was a Finnish chap in Copenhagen. A group of Couchsurfers (couchsurfing.org) had met up in a lovely Cuban restaurant for dinner. We all walked back together and people veered off towards their hotels until it was just me and the Finnish chap. We'd been chatting a bit through the night but not flirting.  He was quite alternative and had barbed wire style tattoos all over his arms and had his tongue split like a snake and had been showing people his tongue. He was en route to London via Copenhagen to have his eyeballs tattooed black, as you do! When we reached my hotel I said goodbye and he lunged at me and tried to kiss me.  I recoiled in horror and said 'what are you doing? I have a boyfriend!' To which he replied 'you have a boyfriend and you've come to Copenhagen on your own? That's just weird!!' This from a man with a split tongue.....

*Bungo asks Boff what a 'split tongue' is* Boff then explains over another piece of the odd tasting pie that some people like to do more extreme body alterations and that fork tongues are popular amongst nutters. That said this pie might taste better if you did have a split tongue. Emma agrees that there's definitely an odd marmite after taste mixed in with the caramel and toffee, "it's definitely got a unique flavour". keeping on track Boff decides to guide the conversation back towards home. Returning to home now, what do you consider as the most important ingredients in a happy and fulfilled life?

I think surrounding yourself with positive people is one of the keys to a happy life. I have unfortunately not always had that but I do now and it makes such a difference. Doing things that make you feel alive, whatever that is for you, is really important. For me that's making art, singing, dancing and making people laugh.

 ...and what about your career aspirations are there any things you would specifically like to achieve in the next five years?

One of the things I would like to do in the next 5-10 years is study again. I have a degree in Contemporary Textile Practice and would like to study Art Therapy. In the past I have worked with homeless people including a stint in a safe house for survivors of trafficking which was an amazing and harrowing experience.

As the interview starts to draw to a close and Madame Cholet starts to prepare a goody bag (there's still quite a lot of pie left) Boff decides to ask one final question of today's guest interviewee. As a final question  I would like to ask you a question about twitter itself, you've mixed it with the mad and the wonderful of the twitter world. If a Martian landed tomorrow how would you explain twitter to them?

Explaining Twitter to a Martian? Hmmm. It's a bit like a giant public chat room where people try to make other people laugh, rant about their day, show off a bit, help each other, slag each other off, poke fun at each other, air their views and generally prattle on. But it's also like a support network if you find some good eggs on there, which I believe I have. It's great fun.

...and with that the interview is at a close. Emma very kindly agrees to stay the rest of the afternoon and host an art class for the wombles but wisely declines to indulge in any more of the pies that are on offer. Emma can be found on twitter swapping limericks and amusing banter. If you would like to see more of her artwork you can find that here: https://www.flickr.com/photos/prettypashminapics

Tuesday 15 April 2014

The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.8 @SJBerrington

The camera opens on a village fete with ladies in posh dresses and fancy hats; and gentlemen in blazers and straw boaters. As the camera works it's way through the crowd to a marquee two familiar faces come into view. Yes, it's Boff Moatman, wearing half a shrubbery on his head and Steve Berrington in a smart blue and yellow pin-stripe affair. "Hello! and welcome to the Merton Easter sweep stakes", "every year the good people of Merton like to come together to show off their home-grown marrows and have a flutter on the horse racing". "Seeing as the Spring has sprung and we're having the first spell of beautiful weather, what better venue to do our next interview". Today's interviewee is a down-to-earth sort, salt of the earth, with a charming wit, cheeky sense of humour and musical background. Steve and Mrs Steve (who's wearing a beautiful pink number with feathers in her hair) are seated in the shade of the gazebo with a nice cold glass of fruit liquor. The wombles are here too, but I must admit I haven't seen the little rascals in a good half an hour or more. Anyway, now that we've had a chance to get a bite to eat from the barbecue and a drink it's time for our interview to begin.

Hello Steve and thank you for joining us today, you're very much the down to earth guy with a quick wit, I know your jokes make the wombles chuckle. So I'd like to begin by asking you a little bit about your formative years. Has your cheeky sense of humour ever got you into trouble? or out of it?

I once picked up a street sign I found lying around, and a keen young constable stopped me and asked where I was going with it. I should have said ‘To the council damaged street sign repair centre, officer.’ Instead I told him I was taking it home, as I had a collection of over 300 stolen road signs in my bedroom. The evening went downhill from that point.

...that's interesting, and staying with your formative years, music has always been a part of your life, we'll come onto your more current aspirations in a moment, but I'd like to ask what are the best and worst things about being in a band?

I’ve met the best and funniest people I know through music. I can’t think of a musician without a saving grace of some sort. Worst thing? I once had to remove dog poo from the stage in a pub before playing.

*Boff almost chokes on a slice of lime at hearing this, while a quick witted bar maid steps in and performs the Heimlich Maneuver; the offending piece of lime goes whizzing over Mrs Steve's left shoulder and lands in a pint of lager being drunk by an elderly gentlemen who looks distinctly similar to Worzel Gummidge*  "Fore" shouts Steve before slinking back down into his chair,  ahem anyway ...cause being in a band also involves getting into scrapes and nights out when performing, do you have any stories about any particularly memorable evenings out?

I can’t remember many of them to be honest. But then I was very, very drunk.

...and of cause you're also married, can you tell us about the first day you met your wife? Did you know straight away that she was the one and what did she make of you?

We met on a blind date and we were both ‘on the rebound’. For me it was love at first sight. Fourteen years on, I just asked her how she feels, and she’s still not sure whether she even likes me that much. Which is fair enough. I think she’s wise to keep her options open at this stage.

Indeed, and you're Biography here says you're a 'Role model, songwriter, birdwatcher, reader, guitarist, Anglophile, lifestyle guru (all prefixed by the word 'failed')' What's the worst job you've ever had?

Answering all these bloody questions. When’s it going to end? Little House On The Prairie’s on in ten minutes. But seriously – bollock catcher in a eunuch factory was pretty bad.

Coming now on to your current musical interests you're part of a songwriting partnership, how would you describe your music? and what are your musical influences/heroes?

My dad was a folk singer and songwriter. I was raised listening to folk music from people like Pete Seeger, Ewan McColl, Martin Carthy et al and I’m still partial to a good tune, and words with a strong message. I was also fascinated by the guitar from an early age and taught myself to play aged about 10. I’ve always written and performed my own songs, but recently I’ve also been writing in collaboration, a process I’ve really enjoyed. We’ve used Nashville based musicians to record via the internet, and we’re really pleased with the results, which are quite country influenced. Biggest single influence / hero was definitely David Bowie. Hunky Dory / Ziggy / Aladdin Sane era. Image, attitude, intelligence, and great tunes, words and arrangements. Mick Ronson was a genius. Bowie was also instrumental in leading my generation into discovering so many other musicians, artists, and writers.


I'm about to ask my next question when Steve stops me, "I don't mean to be funny Boff, but is that womble riding a horse?". With all the focus on getting the interview done and the offending piece of lime I've completely  missed the fact that the afternoon's main event, the sweep stake, has actually begun. All around us excited punters are waving their tickets. Even Mrs Steve is jumping up and down cheering on her horse 'Big Boy', who it appears is being ridden by none other than Wellington!! I should have known when the wombles had wandered off there would be mischief! The little blighter isn't even wearing a riding helmet, just his trade mark hat!! I'm about to lose my temper when I realise the little bugger is actually winning, and before we can do any more, we all watch our hearts in our mouths as the Merton sweep stakes is won for the first time by a womble!? Steve shakes my hand and thanks me as Mrs Steve goes off to collect her winnings, "thanks Boff, tell that little bloke he's just paid for my dinner, brilliant". The whole thing is quite a shock and takes us five minutes to get settled back into the purpose of this afternoon, to complete our interview.

As we've lost our thread somewhat I decide to try and ease back into the interview with an easy question. If you had to learn to play a new musical instrument, what would you choose and why?

I’d go for the comb and paper. Some of these guitars are ridiculously expensive.

Changing the subject now, I'd like to ask you a couple of lifestyle guru questions, As an older gentleman that's been cohabiting with the wombles for some years (Boff shares a bedroom with Wellington) do you think our co-dependency is healthy? and is it time for me to 'fly the nest'?

I don’t know about co-dependency. Co-op-dependency, on the other hand, is very familiar to me. I’m constantly having to pop up there for stuff we forgot to get delivered by Tesco. And whisky. Mainly whisky to be honest. The best time to fly the nest is when you’ve sprouted all your feathers.


.....and what advice could you give someone that's having problems with noisy neighbours? keeping in mind the delicate relationship with those on the other side of the party wall. (Bungo's drum and bass music often infuriates Boff late at night).

B & Q does some very nice yellow industrial ear defenders. Very useful when you’re struggling to hear yourself think.

Well Steve we're almost done and it's been a pleasure having you join us today. I'd like to wrap up our interview by asking you one final question. You walk into a pub to find Bil Oddie and Paul Weller exchanging bird watching tips. What's the first thing you say or do?

Offer them some peanuts and say something childish about Great Tits 

...and with that Mrs Steve is back with £250 quid and a big smile. They both thank me for a lovely afternoon in the sun and tell me their off to spend their winnings in style. I on the other hand am off to find the champion jokey and remind him about the dangers of riding horses without helmets, or for that matter joining horse races without at least letting me know. Steve can be found on Twitter cracking jokes and making merry. Also if you'd like to know more about the kind of music he makes, you can enjoy some choice examples here: https://soundcloud.com/moretonberringtonmusic

Thursday 10 April 2014

The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.7 @Dudeinabearsuit

The camera zooms in what looks like an elderly man wearing silly novelty glasses and surrounded by party tricks. "Hello! I'm Boff Moatman and this is another of my twitter interviews", "After last weeks jaunt out to Highclere Castle to meet the rather formidable Jeni Decker, we're hosting a tea party back in Wimbledon Common for an equally larger than life character". Unfortunately the party food is somewhat late in arriving, not helped by the fact that Bungo got peckish on the way home. Still I've sent Wellington and Orinoco out for some more and they shouldn't be long.

Today's interviewee is something of an enigma, friend to wildlife, party animal, and hopefully familiar with the odd picnic and tea party, yes today's very important person to visit my corner of Wimbledon Common is none other than the Dude in a Bearsuit. The Dude stands a clear 7 ft in his paws and is clad from head to foot in fur. When he first arrives he gives the Wombles a sniff and looks at the party hats suspiciously before asking where the party food is, unfortunately and embarrassingly for us we have to admit that it's still being prepared (curse Bungo and his appetite!). The Dude is well known for being fond of honey and European lager and attends many of the showbiz bashes on the animal circuit. While we wait for the food to arrive we decide to crack on with the Dude's interview, he perches on an arm chair which just about supports his animal frame.

Thank you for joining us today Dude, and might I say you're bigger than your photos suggest. I think it's fair to say you lead somewhat of an unusual life style so perhaps we could begin by asking what does a typical day include for a Dude in a bear suit?

First of all let me say that it's great to be here with you today. Also, I was promised there would be snacks. I guess my days are pretty typical for a single guy. I normally roll off the futon around 9 and enjoy a hearty breakfast of honey biscuits and Old English 800 while I delete my drunk tweets from the night before. After that I usually watch The Price Is Right before heading out for the day. Most afternoons I’ll go down to the park and pick a fight with the geese, run the “Government Honey Inspector” scam at a grocery store, maybe hit on the hot moms in front of the Shriner’s Hospital, stuff like that. After the sun goes down.... well Tuesday is my poker night over at the zoo of course but most other nights I’m out hitting the local hotspots prowling for honey and honies.

*Boff shoots Bungo an evil glare and mouths the words 'snacks', before continuing with the next question. I see, and perhaps now delving in little more into your past, how did you and the suit come to meet? and do you ever take it off? or it like Robocop and it's part of you now?
 
The bear suit hasn’t actually fused to my body yet but that would be pretty cool. 

My Nana (God rest her soul) made the suit for me when I was a teenager and she kept altering it to fit me right up until her tragic mauling. I've maintained it myself since then as best I can. I long ago quit growing and there isn’t much chance that I’ll get too fat for it since it doesn’t look like I’ll be eating any fattening SNACKS anytime soon.

....That's fascinating, and what do the women make of your Beary presence? You're something of a man about town, does the bear help make female acquaintances?

It's a bit of a double-edged sword actually. A guy in an awesome bear suit is going to stand out in a crowded bar but the ladies usually seem reluctant to talk to me. It’s possible they are intimidated by my swag. Outside of the bar scene I've had some luck showing up at random wedding receptions and busting out my dance moves but my experiment with offering "sympathy hugs" to hotties at funerals was an unmitigated disaster. 

Another problem I've had even when things work out well is that the ladies for some reason seem to think that when we get back to my place and things get hot and heavy I'm going to take the bear suit like all the way off. Uh, no. I always say, “honey, if you want to ‘wrestle the bear’ you’re gonna have to get in here with me”. That’s usually the point where the date starts to go downhill.

At this point Bungo chips in and says he has the same problem, being only three and a half foot tall and undoubtedly cute, women don't tend to take his macho image seriously, or just want to cuddle. Bungo goes on to point out that Wombles are in fact way cooler and street than your teddy bear and deserve more credit (I suspect this may be at the root of Bungo's ill-fated x-treme sports phase).

...following on from that and I hope you excuse the pun, What are your bear necessities when out on the prowl?

Well, I try to look my best you know. Every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed bear and all that. If I have a big date I might go down to the car wash and have the guys give the bear suit a quick cleaning. Maybe get the fragrance if I have a coupon. Accessory-wise I've been experimenting with spats to sort of class up the suit. I have them in the whole range of available spat colors - black AND white. There was the ill-advised ascot phase back in ’08 of course. I had a fancy silver-handled walking stick for a while but I had two instances in one week where a cocktail waitress used it to beat me pretty severely so I quit carrying it. 

As far as other necessities when I'm out, I always make sure I have my lucky condom that I bought two years ago, my liquor flask, my honey flask and my bail bondsman’s business card. 

....wonderful, and cause you're a godfather to three cheeky cubs? we all saw the photos of them stealing a boat? do you take a paternal role in helping them develop their own sense of being in the bear community?
 
My godchildren, bless their hearts, are a handful. I’ve tried impressing on them the rich and noble history of bears but they are usually too busy concocting ingenious ways to kill the mailman to pay much attention to what I’m trying to teach them.

I do read to them a lot. Usually kids books and stories about famous bears. I think I was talking on the twitter dot com the other day about how they enjoy changing the stories to make them more entertaining. Those little angels can take an innocent fairy tale like The Three Little Pigs and turn it into something that reads like the screenplay to a SAW movie. 

I love them dearly but as I told someone the other day, if you relax for one minute you’re likely to wake up in a tub of ice wondering where your kidney went. Oh and God help you if they ever swipe your phone. I mean, who the heck are three bear cubs talking to in Malaysia for seven hours?
 
That's amazing I never knew that, and cause, I know it's not easy with paws but you're quite the wiz in the kitchen, what's your favourite meal? and is there a speciality dish you like to make for when friends come over?? 

My favorite meal when I’m dining alone is beer but when I have guests I’ll break out the pots and pans and show off my skills. I actually attended culinary school very briefly back in ‘09. I signed up because I misunderstood the word “culinary” thinking it had something to do with oral sex. It doesn’t. Nevertheless I managed to pick up a few tips before security removed me from the building.

Since 99% of my visitors are of the ursine variety I tend to lean heavily on the three main bear food groups: Honey, fish and honey. Not surprisingly my signature dish, DIABS’ Famous Honey-Battered Fish with Honey Sauce is renowned throughout the bear world. Once I went to a potluck dinner in the deep woods of Idaho and brought a hash brown casserole instead. To make a long story short, the end result was the so-called Boise Riot of 2011. 

Indeed, and of cause you also like music, Your neighbours often complain about the late night singing, is music a career you might consider for the future? can you play any instruments?
 
Not to brag but I’m a pretty accomplished clarinet player. I started on the trumpet but switched over to the clarinet in high school because I could still play it while wearing the bear suit head. It was either that or the oboe and nobody ever became a rock star playing the oboe. Some nights I like to get liquored up, go outside and play into the wee hours of the morning. It’s really peaceful. Just me, the stars, my clarinet and sooner or later the cops. As to my neighbors - they are philistines, barely worth the energy it would take to burn their houses down in the middle of the night. Barely.

My musical dream is to form a band with myself, Kiefo Nilsson, Jay Bentley, Stevie Benz and John Lurie . Maybe call it something like The Twitter Timeline All-Stars. Frankly, I don’t know where we would even store all the Grammys.

Probably the thing that has surprised me the most is the impact my music has had on those around me. For instance it has actually caused my godchildren to be better behaved. It turns out that my clarinet is the only thing on earth that the little rascals are truly afraid of. The mere threat that I’ll start playing is usually enough to make behave. It just goes to show you the power of art.
 
... this all great stuff and I feel we're getting to know the real Dude a little bit, but of cause privacy is something that's quite important to you. Privately you do many acts of charity and altruism without seeking praise. Can we ask what's the single must important thing for you in 'giving a little back' to the Community that raised you?

Of course I donate my time to a number of bear related charities but the project I’m the most proud of is one of the few that isn’t bear-centric. It’s a safety program I started called Neighbors Insuring Personal Safety or NIPS for short. How it works is that every night before bed I go around the neighborhood making sure that all the hot babes have securely latched their windows, closed all their curtains and are otherwise safe and secure. I always keep my eyes peeled, ready to maul any of the creepers or weirdoes that have been reported in the area but so far I haven’t seen any. I don’t like to use the word “hero” but I guess I can’t stop others from saying it.
 
......that's interesting stuff. Now perhaps we could move on to a question about your political motivations. Can you tell us a little bit more about your anti-koala campaign?
Boff, you’re a good guy despite the whole snacks being promised but not provided thing so I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never shared publicly until now. 

Educating people about the koala menace is a cause that is deeply personal to me. The reason is that dating back to the late 1700s; fourteen members of my family have been killed by koalas. Shocking as that is, the really insane part is that no member of my family HAS EVER BEEN TO AUSTRALIA. Can you even imagine the odds of something like that? Its one thing to live in the belly of the beast so to speak but to have a series of tragedies like that outside of the continent of the damned is another matter entirely. Canberra? Okay, I can see that but Bismarck, North Dakota? It boggles the mind. 

Well, Dude our time has almost run out, but I do have one last question before we wrap up, you're an inspiration to many, a man in touch with his feral self, and at the same time a great leader, so perhaps |I should end by asking what will happen if I go down to the woods today?

That really depends on you. Can you lend me a twenty for cab fare?

...with that the interview draws to a close and still no sign of Wellington and Orinoco with the snacks. I suggest to the Dude that we might stand more luck paying a visit to the local 'one-stop' store at the corner of Merton Green. The Bear puts on his honey inspector outfit and trains Boff in what to say before we set off on another honey heist that's sure to reap sugary rewards, adieu my friends and until next week remember to keep a well stocked larder you never know who might call round for tea.

Wednesday 2 April 2014

The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.6 @Jeni_Decker

This week's interview has taken on a trans-continental feel with our very first proper true American to visit our interview pages. To celebrate, myself and the Wombles have upped sticks to come to you direct from the tea rooms of none other than Highclere Castle in Berkshire, home of TV series Downton Abbey. "Boff's dusted off his bowler and dug out his monocle to give our guest a very quintessential English flavour. Boff rests his walking cane against a chair, pours a cup of Earl grey, and picks up a scone from a little China plate before smearing on some clotted cream and jam".  

Today's guest is a daisy duke, mom, and author of books such as "I wish I were engulfed in flames" and the Dex Morneau series, yes, all the way from her farm in Michigan our guest today is Jeni Decker. Arriving by black cab (as is only fitting) when Jeni arrives she's decked head to foot in a full Tudor costume. On seeing Jeni, Boff nearly chokes on his scone. "What?" says Jeni as she gently takes a seat opposite him, "you figured you were the only one who could dress up? I wanted to try the Brit thing too". Jeni pours a cup of tea before taking a sip informing me that her coffee tastes funny and asks if it's Decaff? Clearly quite the character and up for our interview, now that our costume drama is under way, I decide to ask my first question.
 
Hello Jeni, and thank you for joining us today. I have so many questions I would like to ask you and obviously family, particularly your children are a big part of your life which we will come on to shortly, but I would like to begin by getting to know more about you as a person first. As our first bone-fide American to join us on the Interviews can I ask you about your memories of high school? Was it really like Beverly Hills 90210 or Glee?

My junior prom date was gay and prone to spontaneous musical numbers, so we’ll go with Glee.

What I remember most is my first car—1979 black Cadillac. If I had put two flags on the hood, I could have easily been mistaken for the visiting POTUS. I can only assume my folks wanted to wrap me in as much metal as possible, since I failed my driver’s test… twice. On the third go-around, my mom gave me half a Valium tablet. Apparently the secret to getting your driver’s license in Florida is being barely lucid.

I offer Jeni a jam covered scone before moving  on to our next question...I see, and now that you've had the chance to experience twitter, what do you make of us Europeans? are we like what you expected?

Generally speaking, you guys are much less repressed than Americans. I base this on the fact that you can use the word “cunt” in mixed company without anyone batting an eye. I’d like America to strive for that kind of utopian ideal. More cunt in everyday conversation, less of me hearing about your religious preferences, thank you kindly.

*one of the elderly patrons gasps at hearing the 'C' word, the naughty one, not the pretend one. Her false teeth go whizzing out of her mouth and skating across the floor as a waiter in spatz goes chasing after them. Boff and Jeni however continue without batting an eyelash.
 
...and are there any quintessential differences? or things that you identify as making your home truly American other than the Geography? perhaps an anecdote?

During hunting season this year I saw a Volkswagen navigate the McDonald’s drive-thru with a buck strapped to the roof. Let that sink in nice and deep…

Boff nods with a rye smile on his face, before glancing at Bungo who is sneaking scones off another patron's plate with the handy use of a coat-hanger.

...I see, I think that's very amusing. Coming back in the direction now of family you're a busy mom juggling all these eggs, what do you like to do with your down time when it's just you on your own?

I’m never alone for any substantial chunk of time. But are any of us ever really alone? Don’t we all lug our burdens around with us for company, taking them out during those down times and fingering all the bruises until they welt up again, so we can linger over them for however long it takes to satiate the piteous self-indulgence?

No? Just me, then.

Jeni slaps a womble hand which has appeared over the side of her part of the table dangerously close to her share of the scones before noting that in actual fact today is the first time she's been out to tea on her own in ages. Jeni then says that Tudor wear is quite warm before removing her ruff and handing it to Orinoco as a present.
 
..and of cause you're also an author, in turning professional do you find it has had to become more disciplined and work-man like? is there a specific method to how you prepare to write? or way you juggle family with writing?

I have zero discipline. Less than zero, probably. Juggling a family and writing is just that, juggling. Write for 15 minutes, clean dog puke off the floor, write for five more, snake the toilet drain for hot wheels cars, write for ten, fold a load of laundry… and the beat goes on.

There is no method to my writing other than I don’t do it unless I feel it. It’s like being in the zone. Either you are or you aren’t. There’s no in between. I think the writing suffers when you force it, and as a reader, there’s nothing that sticks in my craw more than phone-it-in bullshit. Until it’s bursting out of me, I research, make notes, and fritter away the hours on Twitter. I rarely outline, I don’t write every day like the gurus say you must, and when I’m writing, it is with very little regard for the audience. For me, writing is a purely selfish endeavor.

How you like me now?

 ...and of cause your husband must be a big help in balancing all of that, we know he loves hunting more than chores, so what's the weirdest thing he's brought home to you? 

He knows better than to bring home anything that Isn’t covered in chocolate. He did once come home from work with a tick stuck to his head, does that count?

Boff notes that he also has to take care of the Wombles grooming, while Wellington is a nice womble with silky fur, Bungo uses far too much product and often comes home smelling of fags and has needed de-lousing more than once. Jeni says 'is this one Bungo?', pointing at Bungo. *Boff nods*, Jeni then produces a little Tudor purse from under her britches, 'Here, honey here's some money for candy, go and help the nice lady over there find her false teeth'. With Bungo now out of the way and Jeni's scones safe we move on to the next question, one I've been curious to ask.

coming back around now to your children you have two boys with autism at different ends of the spectrum, who are clearly very dear to your heart and a source of much of your writing. What one key survival skill have they taught you?

Don’t sweat the small shit, and laugh at it all because most of it is funny if you look at it from the right angle. I try to make my life and the lives of my kids as little about autism as possible. Autism is a diagnosis, a word, nothing more. Autism doesn’t “make” your life anything. That’s your job.

So, my biggest key to survival—no whiny bullshit. Second: Never sit on the toilet before checking for dribbles. In my house I’m the only girl, so there are always dribbles. Often puddles. Boys are gross.

 ...I see, and of cause with all children they have their moments, 'out of the mouth of babes' as they say, what has been your most surreal experience as a mother? and also the most heartwarming?

Surreal is the default setting around here (particularly apt as a waiter and Womble appear to be fighting over false teeth in the background). I wouldn’t know what life looks like any other way.

The most heartwarming would have to be the stranger who came to my rescue at the drug store when my son was having the mother of all tantrums. I had to carry him out of the store over my shoulder, kicking and screaming. She picked up the items that were falling out of my bag, trailing behind me like Hansel and Gretel’s bread crumbs, as I made my hasty exit. Then she made sure I got the screaming child buckled into his car seat before asking if I needed anything else. She’ll never know how perilously close I was to kissing her on the mouth, long and deep.

Changing tack now, I would have loved to see your take on the E.L. James book 'fifty shades of grey', how would your version have differed from hers?

Mine would have had more wildebeests. Lots of wildebeests.

...Thank you Jeni, it has been a pleasure having you to come and visit us today, I would like to finish now with one final question before we sample some typical British Cuisine. You're a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and says how she feels. If you had five minutes alone with the President what would you tell him?

That would never happen. Pretty sure I’m on a blacklist somewhere after co-writing Waiting for Karl Rove. But if I did somehow find myself in the general proximity of the President, I’d ask him to show me where Clinton got his blowie from Monica. If the White House doesn’t have a little wall plaque to commemorate that moment, they’re not doing it right

As the interview draws to a close Jeni admits that the Tudor outfit really isn't her and she would much prefer something more comfortable. Then Boff admits that being in a tea-room at Highclere Castle isn't really his scene. Both agree a nice pub would be much more appropriate which is a relief because the waiter has just arrived with two steaming plates of tripe.

Jeni can be found living it up on twitter or at her website www.jenidecker.com/