The Moatman Interviews -S1- No.7 @Dudeinabearsuit

The camera zooms in what looks like an elderly man wearing silly novelty glasses and surrounded by party tricks. "Hello! I'm Boff Moatman and this is another of my twitter interviews", "After last weeks jaunt out to Highclere Castle to meet the rather formidable Jeni Decker, we're hosting a tea party back in Wimbledon Common for an equally larger than life character". Unfortunately the party food is somewhat late in arriving, not helped by the fact that Bungo got peckish on the way home. Still I've sent Wellington and Orinoco out for some more and they shouldn't be long.

Today's interviewee is something of an enigma, friend to wildlife, party animal, and hopefully familiar with the odd picnic and tea party, yes today's very important person to visit my corner of Wimbledon Common is none other than the Dude in a Bearsuit. The Dude stands a clear 7 ft in his paws and is clad from head to foot in fur. When he first arrives he gives the Wombles a sniff and looks at the party hats suspiciously before asking where the party food is, unfortunately and embarrassingly for us we have to admit that it's still being prepared (curse Bungo and his appetite!). The Dude is well known for being fond of honey and European lager and attends many of the showbiz bashes on the animal circuit. While we wait for the food to arrive we decide to crack on with the Dude's interview, he perches on an arm chair which just about supports his animal frame.

Thank you for joining us today Dude, and might I say you're bigger than your photos suggest. I think it's fair to say you lead somewhat of an unusual life style so perhaps we could begin by asking what does a typical day include for a Dude in a bear suit?

First of all let me say that it's great to be here with you today. Also, I was promised there would be snacks. I guess my days are pretty typical for a single guy. I normally roll off the futon around 9 and enjoy a hearty breakfast of honey biscuits and Old English 800 while I delete my drunk tweets from the night before. After that I usually watch The Price Is Right before heading out for the day. Most afternoons I’ll go down to the park and pick a fight with the geese, run the “Government Honey Inspector” scam at a grocery store, maybe hit on the hot moms in front of the Shriner’s Hospital, stuff like that. After the sun goes down.... well Tuesday is my poker night over at the zoo of course but most other nights I’m out hitting the local hotspots prowling for honey and honies.

*Boff shoots Bungo an evil glare and mouths the words 'snacks', before continuing with the next question. I see, and perhaps now delving in little more into your past, how did you and the suit come to meet? and do you ever take it off? or it like Robocop and it's part of you now?
 

The bear suit hasn’t actually fused to my body yet but that would be pretty cool. 

My Nana (God rest her soul) made the suit for me when I was a teenager and she kept altering it to fit me right up until her tragic mauling. I've maintained it myself since then as best I can. I long ago quit growing and there isn’t much chance that I’ll get too fat for it since it doesn’t look like I’ll be eating any fattening SNACKS anytime soon.

....That's fascinating, and what do the women make of your Beary presence? You're something of a man about town, does the bear help make female acquaintances?

It's a bit of a double-edged sword actually. A guy in an awesome bear suit is going to stand out in a crowded bar but the ladies usually seem reluctant to talk to me. It’s possible they are intimidated by my swag. Outside of the bar scene I've had some luck showing up at random wedding receptions and busting out my dance moves but my experiment with offering "sympathy hugs" to hotties at funerals was an unmitigated disaster. 

Another problem I've had even when things work out well is that the ladies for some reason seem to think that when we get back to my place and things get hot and heavy I'm going to take the bear suit like all the way off. Uh, no. I always say, “honey, if you want to ‘wrestle the bear’ you’re gonna have to get in here with me”. That’s usually the point where the date starts to go downhill.

At this point Bungo chips in and says he has the same problem, being only three and a half foot tall and undoubtedly cute, women don't tend to take his macho image seriously, or just want to cuddle. Bungo goes on to point out that Wombles are in fact way cooler and street than your teddy bear and deserve more credit (I suspect this may be at the root of Bungo's ill-fated x-treme sports phase).

...following on from that and I hope you excuse the pun, What are your bear necessities when out on the prowl?

Well, I try to look my best you know. Every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed bear and all that. If I have a big date I might go down to the car wash and have the guys give the bear suit a quick cleaning. Maybe get the fragrance if I have a coupon. Accessory-wise I've been experimenting with spats to sort of class up the suit. I have them in the whole range of available spat colors - black AND white. There was the ill-advised ascot phase back in ’08 of course. I had a fancy silver-handled walking stick for a while but I had two instances in one week where a cocktail waitress used it to beat me pretty severely so I quit carrying it. 

As far as other necessities when I'm out, I always make sure I have my lucky condom that I bought two years ago, my liquor flask, my honey flask and my bail bondsman’s business card. 

....wonderful, and cause you're a godfather to three cheeky cubs? we all saw the photos of them stealing a boat? do you take a paternal role in helping them develop their own sense of being in the bear community?
 

My godchildren, bless their hearts, are a handful. I’ve tried impressing on them the rich and noble history of bears but they are usually too busy concocting ingenious ways to kill the mailman to pay much attention to what I’m trying to teach them.

I do read to them a lot. Usually kids books and stories about famous bears. I think I was talking on the twitter dot com the other day about how they enjoy changing the stories to make them more entertaining. Those little angels can take an innocent fairy tale like The Three Little Pigs and turn it into something that reads like the screenplay to a SAW movie. 
I love them dearly but as I told someone the other day, if you relax for one minute you’re likely to wake up in a tub of ice wondering where your kidney went. Oh and God help you if they ever swipe your phone. I mean, who the heck are three bear cubs talking to in Malaysia for seven hours?

 

That's amazing I never knew that, and cause, I know it's not easy with paws but you're quite the wiz in the kitchen, what's your favourite meal? and is there a speciality dish you like to make for when friends come over?? 

My favorite meal when I’m dining alone is beer but when I have guests I’ll break out the pots and pans and show off my skills. I actually attended culinary school very briefly back in ‘09. I signed up because I misunderstood the word “culinary” thinking it had something to do with oral sex. It doesn’t. Nevertheless I managed to pick up a few tips before security removed me from the building.

Since 99% of my visitors are of the ursine variety I tend to lean heavily on the three main bear food groups: Honey, fish and honey. Not surprisingly my signature dish, DIABS’ Famous Honey-Battered Fish with Honey Sauce is renowned throughout the bear world. Once I went to a potluck dinner in the deep woods of Idaho and brought a hash brown casserole instead. To make a long story short, the end result was the so-called Boise Riot of 2011. 

Indeed, and of cause you also like music, Your neighbours often complain about the late night singing, is music a career you might consider for the future? can you play any instruments?
 

Not to brag but I’m a pretty accomplished clarinet player. I started on the trumpet but switched over to the clarinet in high school because I could still play it while wearing the bear suit head. It was either that or the oboe and nobody ever became a rock star playing the oboe. Some nights I like to get liquored up, go outside and play into the wee hours of the morning. It’s really peaceful. Just me, the stars, my clarinet and sooner or later the cops. As to my neighbors - they are philistines, barely worth the energy it would take to burn their houses down in the middle of the night. Barely.

My musical dream is to form a band with myself, Kiefo Nilsson, Jay Bentley, Stevie Benz and John Lurie . Maybe call it something like The Twitter Timeline All-Stars. Frankly, I don’t know where we would even store all the Grammys.

Probably the thing that has surprised me the most is the impact my music has had on those around me. For instance it has actually caused my godchildren to be better behaved. It turns out that my clarinet is the only thing on earth that the little rascals are truly afraid of. The mere threat that I’ll start playing is usually enough to make behave. It just goes to show you the power of art.

 

... this all great stuff and I feel we're getting to know the real Dude a little bit, but of cause privacy is something that's quite important to you. Privately you do many acts of charity and altruism without seeking praise. Can we ask what's the single must important thing for you in 'giving a little back' to the Community that raised you?

Of course I donate my time to a number of bear related charities but the project I’m the most proud of is one of the few that isn’t bear-centric. It’s a safety program I started called Neighbors Insuring Personal Safety or NIPS for short. How it works is that every night before bed I go around the neighborhood making sure that all the hot babes have securely latched their windows, closed all their curtains and are otherwise safe and secure. I always keep my eyes peeled, ready to maul any of the creepers or weirdoes that have been reported in the area but so far I haven’t seen any. I don’t like to use the word “hero” but I guess I can’t stop others from saying it.
 

......that's interesting stuff. Now perhaps we could move on to a question about your political motivations. Can you tell us a little bit more about your anti-koala campaign?

Boff, you’re a good guy despite the whole snacks being promised but not provided thing so I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never shared publicly until now. 

Educating people about the koala menace is a cause that is deeply personal to me. The reason is that dating back to the late 1700s; fourteen members of my family have been killed by koalas. Shocking as that is, the really insane part is that no member of my family HAS EVER BEEN TO AUSTRALIA. Can you even imagine the odds of something like that? Its one thing to live in the belly of the beast so to speak but to have a series of tragedies like that outside of the continent of the damned is another matter entirely. Canberra? Okay, I can see that but Bismarck, North Dakota? It boggles the mind. 

Well, Dude our time has almost run out, but I do have one last question before we wrap up, you're an inspiration to many, a man in touch with his feral self, and at the same time a great leader, so perhaps |I should end by asking what will happen if I go down to the woods today?

That really depends on you. Can you lend me a twenty for cab fare?

...with that the interview draws to a close and still no sign of Wellington and Orinoco with the snacks. I suggest to the Dude that we might stand more luck paying a visit to the local 'one-stop' store at the corner of Merton Green. The Bear puts on his honey inspector outfit and trains Boff in what to say before we set off on another honey heist that's sure to reap sugary rewards, adieu my friends and until next week remember to keep a well stocked larder you never know who might call round for tea.