The Moatman Interviews -S4- No.1 'A Whole lotta Fadjj!' ft @FadjjMagazine

*The camera opens on a sleepy business park estate, panning down the street past a bright pink Toyota Yaris with stick on eye-lashes and up the steps of an dull looking building, much like the opening credits of Ricky Gervais' 'the office'. The reception is bedecked with bright coloured posters of magazine covers spanning the last few years with various celebrity mug-shots. Then the camera pans past the reception down a narrow corridor coming to the door at the end where the Chief editor of Fadjj Magazine is entertaining our host, Boff Moatman*.

Hello my darlings!! and welcome to this the first episode in an all new and exciting series of the Moatman Interviews. This first episode of the new series is coming to you live and direct from inside the power house of publishing that is @Fadjjmagazine. I'm sitting here with chief editor Rich who's wearing a lovely home knitted jumper from his nan depicting Gyles Brandreth punching Phil Mitchell on the nose for being very rude. *Rich leans back on his mahogany leather arm-chair and waves to camera*. Rich is also wearing a 'hat-picture' of Cardinal Wolsey as part of what he describes Wolsey month, which occurs annually each September.

Fadjj Magazine is a monthly publication about real life and celebrity stories with features such as Country stomp with Gigantor, Morning bile with Kathy Gobe-Shyte and the epononymous Ask Maggie agony aunt section. It's already a hit with mumsnet and the stay at home during the day demographic, with its audience share growing steadily over recent months. So Rich, I must admit I was filled with trepidation when I was invited to come and hold this interview, stepping inside the walls of Fadjj Magazine for me is a lot like travelling to Narnia, so perhaps we could start our interview there what's it like working within a publication like Fadjj? does everyone get on? or is everyone undercutting each other for the best scoop?

Hi Boff. Actually before we start could I ask that you take your shoes off? It's just something we insist upon here. Plus I think you're walking, (what I sincerely hope is), mud that smells like dog shit into the carpet.

Anyhoo, working for a rag like FADJJ can be pretty high pressure. I won't lie, there's some days I almost can't face jumping in the Merc and rolling into work for about lunchtime. As for my staff, well I actively encourage any undercutting, double dealing, back biting arse holery that they may wish to indulge in. Whatever gets me that picture of that A-Lister shitting outside a Costa quickest, yeah?

*Boff calmly removes his shoes, opening a window and placing them on the outside sill, where a squirrel promptly starts attacking them* Do you know Rich, I can believe that, and cause the kitchen is the best place for gossip, so I wanted to ask as the chief editor, what's the best bit of false gossip you've heard about yourself in the last few weeks?

I actually spread false gossip about myself. Bit unorthodox sure but the majority of the office now believes I once kicked a wolf right up the jacksy while backpacking in Thailand. They know who the alpha male is around here.

I did once hear a disturbing rumour that I was spotted pleasuring myself in my car one afternoon. Thankfully the perpetrators of the slanderous lie were discovered and quietly let go. I think they all work for Take A Break - Fate and Fortune now. Fate worse than death for a writer.

Well! I didn't see that coming, nor did the wolf for that matter. What about the world of celebrity / real life magazines? its already a crowded market with take a break, woman's own, etc what makes Fadjj stand out from the crowd?
 

It absolutely is a crowded market and that's something we're continually aware of here at FADJJ. I think with that knowledge comes a drive to beat the competition to stories such as "Trapped in a Spunky Hole - My Camping Nightmare!" or "I Stroked my Cat and all my Limbs Fell Off!"

Believe me when I say there's blood, sweat and tears behind each story we publish.

Literally by the sounds of it! Good grief, and of cause Fadjj is well known for its exciting prize give aways, which have so far included a pork jacket, international shipping company and lucky cheese grater in the now famous cheese edition of Fadjj how do you find the prizes to give away? and do you have anything spectacular lined up for the Christmas edition out later this year?

You may have noticed the large warehouse situated next to our building? Well interestingly enough that was included in the deed when we bought the place. We opened it up to find boxes and boxes of stuff. Some boxes had samples of various make up products. Others contained expensive name brand trousers. Occasionally we'd open a box that somehow contained holidays to the Canary Islands, Crete, sometimes even Florida! We didn't know how any of this worked and didn't really think about it too much afterwards.

So yes, a magic warehouse. That's how I'm choosing to answer that question.

As for Christmas we've got something VERY special planned! We're just ironing out some legal kinks right now but the prize will be to have anyone on Earth... removed from it. I know a guy, Scandinavian fellow, exceptional character. It'll be as if they never existed. Should be a laugh anyway.

*Boff spits his sparkling water everywhere, scaring the squirrel in the process* Sweet Jesus, you're serious aren't you? I can see what you mean now by cut throat industry, oh dear *shivers* so perhaps changing the topic, you're assisted by an able team of writers and colleagues that make Fadjj what it is? I wanted to ask what's it like working with Maggie? resident agony aunt and psychic, is she a bit.... you know.... weird?
 

If you define weird by a person locking themselves in their office to watch Mannequin while crying for the 4th time that day then yes. She is a bit... you know... weird.

Divorce hit Maggie like a ton of wet shit and she was sinking deeper and deeper into that shit until shit filled her mouth, nose, ears and finally her eyes. Her ex-husband is Britain's premier Andrew McCarthy impersonator. He left Maggie for Scotland's best Kim Cattrall impersonator. Something inside Maggie snapped I suppose. The main thing is she's reliable. She gets her work in on time. I tend to keep a polite distance these days. In a strange way that kind of makes me love her all the more Rich, hahah ah well and still talking of Christmas (it's still September right?) what about the annual office party? any memorable moments you can share with us?


Imagine a room full of unbearable media types all drinking overpriced "look at me I'm fucking brilliant!" drinks and stuffing cocaine up their noses like it's going out of fashion. Bit like that.

I left after about an hour. Got stuck talking to someone staggeringly awful from one of those reality shows. Could have been Geordie Shore? I faked a heart attack and got the ambulance to drop me home.

hahahahahah brilliant! Okay, so we've learnt a lot about Fadjj Magazine, but perhaps we could learn a little more about the mastermind behind the genius that gets put on the shelf for everyone to read. You were saying to me earlier before the interview you kind of fell into this job by mistake so I wanted to ask you what would be your dream career aside from Fadjj? was there anything you aspired to be as a young man growing up?

As a child I yearned to be a Ghostbuster or more specifically Dr Peter Venkman from "The Real Ghostbusters" cartoon. I was a squeamish child and didn't pluck up the nerve to watch the live action movie until I was 14 years old.

I have vivid memories of running around the neighbourhood dressed in a home made outfit, a painted shoebox and a stick acting as a makeshift proton blaster and to be honest preferable officially licensed Proton Pack. 

Funnily enough, I went on an actual Ghost Hunt recently. Load of bollocks. Absolute load of bollocks.
 

Well its nice to know you have a soft gooey centre Rich, that's very sweet and of cause you're also a family man, so I wanted to ask what do your kids make of all this? and is there a job opening for them at Fadjj when they're a little older?

I'm going to be honest with you here, work takes up A LOT of my time so I'm not overly knowledgable about Humphrey and Diamonique. They're both pretty young. I think one of them was devastated about someone leaving a boy band. The boy one shouts at his computer a lot. A lot of the time they just stare joylessly at their phones... which is ideal as they don't bother me much when I'm home. 

As for a future career at FADJJ, I don't think it's on the cards. I read a short story my daughter wrote a while ago and it was pretty unoriginal. Princesses, talking horses and the like. I'll put a little nest egg aside for them but I'm not expecting much in the way of greatness from either of them.

Hahahaha well at least their future is secure :D. You also presided over the now famous cheese edition of Fadjj, which must have been a challenge to put together, do you have any personal cheese preferences?

We knew it was pretty damn radical to devote an issue to cheese and the implements used to grate said cheese. Everyone involved knew we were flying pretty close to the sun on this one. But despite its almost universal praise the issue didn't come without its casualties. We sadly lost Dennis O'Sinned, (a senior copy writer), during crunch week. The medical examiner just said he died of "too much cheese". Sad really. I don't touch the stuff personally. Mould, isn't it? No, not for me.

Really? I quite like a slice or two of edam, the hard cheeses are best aren't they? Perhaps finally then, before we return to discussing Fadjj, can we ask you do you have any particular hobbies or interests to help take a break away from the hectic rush of publishing?

Well myself and a few chums like to gather in disused warehouses, basements of pubs, car parks etc etc and box each other without gloves on. Anyone can join if you know the right people, they're a friendly bunch once you've been there a few weeks. We call ourselves "The Super Secret Boxing Club That Meets At Night In Various Places And Boxes Without Gloves On Gang. I shouldn't really be talking about this though, I'll get in trouble with Terry, our dangerous yet charismatic leader. I've probably said too much already. Sorry Mr.Burden! I mean Terry! Shit! Sorry!

Wait? You're a member too? Bungo goes twice a month under his fighter's name 'Crofty McBurger-Buns', anyway, coming back to Fadjj then, you've got a busy few months coming up with some exciting developments for the magazine, I can appreciate that this is mostly hush hush, but can you let us in on what you have planned? Is it true you're launching a rival publication to Top Gear Magazine?

That is true! "Broom Broom Carzzz" will be premiering later this year, we'll probably aim to get it out to coincide with the new Chris Evans fronted Top Gear. Should shift a few units off the back of that.

As far as FADJJ's future is concerned, the sky's the limit! We're looking into going digital, getting an app together. Maybe a 3D issue? We did an issue made entirely out of pasta once. I know the team want to do an issue that would also act as a Sunday roast. Watch this space I suppose.

Really? wow! sounds delicious! well, it's been lovely spending the day with you and getting to look around the offices, so I would like to close by thanking you and asking one final question, what has been your favourite Eamon Holmes moment so far?

Thanks for popping in. I'd slot this into my "top 10 conversations that I've had in my life" list that I have in my head. I'd probably make this Number 6. Right above the time I ran into Gaz Coombes from 90's group Supergrass outside an off license in Brighton. "Excuse me." he said as I stood in an aisle contemplating vodkas. I'll never forget those words.

I have to admit that I'm not overly familiar with Holmes' oeuvre. I had a brief spell of unemployment in the mid 2000's so I'd occasionally see him and his wife present This Morning. I vaguely recall the atmosphere between them being like that of a couple having a muted argument in front of their children. Thinly veiled passive aggressive threats hissed through a rictus grin.

Anyway, must be getting on! You can let yourself out, yes?

With that our first interview of the new series is at a close, and Boff is off outside to wrestle a shoe from a squirrel. Take care one and all and be back soon....