The Moatman Interviews -S3- No.12 'How to bake a cake...' Featuring @ClairAsbridge

*The cameras open on a beautifully quaint kitchen with open fire place, roaring fire burning, kettle on a hook, beautiful painting hanging on the chimney breast* As the camera pans around the kitchen the viewer is treated to wondeful aromas of fresh coffee and newly baked bread via smell-o-vision, enough to wet the appetites and then as the camera pans around to the kitchen worktops a bare bottom hoaves into view, and then a few seconds later, another bare bottom hoaves into view. oh goodness. It appears that Boff and his guest today have taken the 'naked chef' a little too literally. As the camera pans around to the front now we can see Boff, his modesty spared by a kitchen apron with picture of a tanned-six-packed adonis on the front. Stood next to him also naked save for an apron with the caption 'kiss the chef' is Clair, looking somewhat reticent.

"Boff, I am really not sure about this, can't I at least have a pair of pants?", Boff feeling his guests ill ease, reassures Clair that Jamie Oliver does all his shows like this and not to worry we'll only shoot it from the front. *Clair pulls the top of her apron up abit and adjusts the sides just to be sure* okay, if you say so.

Hail fellows! it's me Boff Moatman, we're finally here the last in the current series, and what better way to end a series than baking a cake, naked, with one of my most dear twitter friends, who's a very good sport for joining in this madness, yes it's none other than our dear Clair. "thanks Boff it is a lovely kitchen", so today we're going to be baking a victoria sponge with extra lashings of jam, yum, so what do we have to do first then? *Clair gets out a bag of flour and starts chucking it all over the worktop and Boff*,  well I say!.. so to this interview then, I wanted to begin, as I often do, by asking you about your formative years, when you were small what did you want to be when you grew up?

Well Boff I really am the worst person to be asking about formative years as I have an absolutely shocking memory and dont remember a lot of the details of it. I do remember that when I was younger and I used to watch my gran go out to work, even though I wasn’t sure what she did (I now know that she worked for the police in the accounts department), She was, to me, incredibly glamorous. She never went out without lipstick on and used to wear smart suits with high heels and I remember thinking when I grow up I want a job like granny. Of course I would have been utterly hopeless in accounts as I dont have a head for figures in the slightest.

So not so much an ideal job so much as an ideal lifestyle. It was completely different to living with my mum and stepdad. We lived in this ramshackle falling down house, with chickens and ducks roaming outside the front door. It was freezing even in the middle of summer (you always had to have a fire lit) due to tiny windows in the living room and the bedrooms having these massive sash windows that were so old and warped that in some cases you could fit your whole finger through the gaps in them. I think my olds had this idea of the good life however they were both too idle to actually commit to it.

Kind of reminds me of my old home too actually, well sort of, "eggs and butter next please Boff" says Clair, *Boff trots off to the fridge giving another flash of his bare behind*, and what kind of teenager were you? did you get into any scrapes or mischief? or were you a good girl?

According to my mother I was an absolutely horrendous teenager. However I am not entirely sure why. Looking back now I utterly regret the fact that I was a really good girl. I never did drugs or anything I thought would upset anyone. I grew up properly out in the sticks so there wasn’t really an opportunity for park bench cider drinking. I didn’t really start drinking until I was over 18 (venues were few and far between where I grew up).

My parents didn’t have to worry about me falling in with a bad crowd as really I was a bit of a loner and a book worm. I was that kid at school that i strongly suspect none of the teachers remembered. I managed to go all of my secondary education not doing a bit of homework or coursework and people only noticed when I had nothing to hand in for my GCSE’s. Its something I do regret now of course. I managed to get good GCSE’s in French and English however so I planned on moving to a tiny apartment in Paris and teaching English as a foreign language.

I never knew you were bilingual Clair, but it does sound like you had a lonely time out in the country, I'm glad you're here with us all now. *Boff tries to crack eggs into a bowl and gets shell everywhere*, *Clair calmly starts fishing bits of shell out of the bowl* n'awwww and what about your first job? was it exciting? and what did you spend your first pay packet on?

My first job was in a rope works as a saturday girl. My mum had worked from home for them for many years. She put the hook on the end of horse lead reins. My job was to tidy the shelves and sweep when it was quiet. I genuinely can’t remember what I did with the money now. I think I may have spent it on CDs. It wasn’t very much I dont expect.

I also worked as a chambermaid in my late teens. I liked the routine of the bed making and dusting etc but hated the pressing of the linens afterwards. Also there is no cute uniform which was a disappointment to me, It was all just jeans and t-shirts. Back then I had the figure for it and everything.

hmmm Boo! to no uniform, I'd like to have seen that. *Boff produces a small bowl of glacier cherries (not part of today's recipe) and proceeds to eat them one at a time while Clair basically makes the cake herself* perhaps moving away from formative years now, perhaps some questions about motherhood, was it as life changing as everyone claims and were you prepared for it?

Ah motherhood. Its an odd thing. I never really thought I would be a mother to be truthful. With my mum making out that I was such a horrendous child I sort of expected to spend my life alone, maybe with several cats and a large collection of romantic fiction and truthfully I think I would have been quite happy with that. So to actually have two lovely children myself (I am horribly biased I know) is still quite perplexing in the most amazing way.

Initially I found being a mum quite difficult. I didn’t realise at the time but I had post natal depression, also Henry had quite bad reflux and had to have his milk thickened for it to stay down, so there was a lot of washing to be done in the beginning. I also didn’t have any support network around me. It was just my husband Richard and I and I struggled for what felt like a long time. We got there eventually though and liked it so much we had another one! Its strange though, I was so worried about getting post natal depression again when I had Minnie that I arranged a cleaner to come in so the house didn’t go to pot and I didn’t feel over whelmed. Stocked the fridge and freezer etc so I was so prepared. Turned out I didn’t need it at all. I think being in a routine really helps and we had one in place as Henry was at school.

I still dont feel very motherly though. I love my children dearly and would fight to the death to protect them and I am quite happy caring for them. But if you hand me a baby it doesn’t make me broody and I am never sure how to hold them or if I might break it. I know one woman who likes being a mum so much that she has a child every 4 years! EVERY FOUR YEARS?!? I dont understand this at all. I do like the smell of babies its true but I love my children so much more when you can interact with them. When they can talk and share things, when you can do stuff together. Its magical watching them grow up.

I bet! a child every four years, crikey imagine the sleepless nights, good grief! *Clair now also starts eating the glacier cherries, now no one is making the cake* and of cause you home schooled your children for quite a while, was it difficult? and did you have to be 'teacher-mummy' and 'home-mummy'?

I was really reticent about home schooling to be honest. I perceived that it would be lessons from 8:45 to 3:15 five days a week and as Minnie was only tiny when Henry started school it just didn’t seem feasible. I couldn’t work out when I would fit in time for house work and I was worried that time with Minnie would be compromised which seemed unfair to her.
Home schooling thankfully isn’t as regimented as it is in a traditional school. It just isn’t necessary. When you only have the two children its very tailored learning to their needs. If they get something they have got it, we dont have to cover everything several times in many different ways to suit all abilities. I am quite fortunate that I have bright children though. One of the downsides we found to school was that Henry was losing his love of learning. He went from being a kid that was disappointed that he had to have a summer holiday for 6 weeks before he could start in reception, to a child that just sat there staring out into space due to boredom. We just thought could we actually do any worse? (when we asked his teacher once about what we, his teacher and us, could do to motivate him, she just shrugged her shoulders).

Now I love home schooling and would recommend it to anyone. Children are far more relaxed and calmer without the pressure to be up and ready for the school run. Also they dont get so tired.
I kind of resented school really. I like my children and enjoy spending time with them. When Henry was in school I felt cheated that teachers get to spend all the day with my kid and didn’t seem to know him or appreciate him for who he was. They just sent him home a tired angry husk. I know there are good teachers out there but truthfully I have no experience of this. I just dont feel that the one size fits all schooling that we have in this country really works. I think we produce people that are good at parroting and not at learning, which is a shame as learning is so much fun.
Now we have been home schooling for as long as we have, I find that a lot of learning is integrated with home life so I really am just mummy. No distinction between teacher mum and just mum

hmmmm indeed *Clair chucks a cherry at Boff and returns to pouring the mixture into baking tins* and what one piece of motherly advice would you offer to your children to have a long and happy life?

I dont think I have just one piece of advice it would have to be three, Be kind. Its so very important and not a hard thing to do, Be aware that EVERYTHING has as much right to be here as you do. I dont even like picking flowers and I think people need a healthy respect for the environment. It breaks my heart that people litter and take the world for granted.

This might sound weird but I also want them to have an awareness of psychology. I think that if you have that, then you are more aware of the reasons why people do things and say things and when you have that it makes you more accepting of peoples foibles. Im not saying put up with people being a twat towards you, but you never know what battles people are fighting privately

n'awwww Clair!, "ahem, okay Boff these are ready to go in the oven.... Boff... I'm not putting these in the oven while the camera films my arse!" oops ahem, sorry, oooh look what's that points out the window, by the time the camera swings back the cakes are in the oven and Clair is safely facing the camera again. *Boff produces a bottle of wine to taste while waiting for the cakes to bake* now, I wanted to ask you some different and probably very daft questions, if you could be a character from a movie who would you be and why?

I dont really watch films Boff, I have a very short attention span. If I had to be a character though I think I would like to be Elizabeth Bennet. I like the feistiness of her.

hahaha brilliant! *Boff toasts Clair* and if you could have any job in the world what would you do? and where would you go?

I can’t make my mind up between two. I would love to have a tearoom but not some stuffy place or an impersonal place. Somewhere where you can go when you aren’t feeling happy or are upset and you know you can have tea and cake and someone will listen to you if you need it. Somewhere that you feel cared for. That feels like a hug when you walk in the door, with big welcoming squishy couches, no time limit per cup and good food and drink.
Or I would love to be a professional organiser. You know someone who helps you go through your stuff, help decide what you should keep and what you should throw. I love organising things. Its an amazing feeling of accomplishment when you start off with chaos and end up with order.

Ive never had an urge to be rich, or famous or to have a load of possessions and a big house. I would rather make people happy any day.
very nice, *oven dings* Cakes are ready, s'okay I've got it announces Boff, wandering off to the oven his backside in full view again! ouch ouch these are hot. Shall I get the jam? "It's okay I'll get it trills Clair, wandering over to the kitchen cabinet, a baking tray protecting her rear modesty So, if you were Prime Minister of the Universe, what one new rule would you make for everyone to follow then?

I would probably be a shocking megalomaniac if I was Prime Minister. I think I would try and make people respect Mums more. And the dads that are mums too. I just feel that largely as a society we seem to belittle the role of a mum and its unhealthy as it trickles down to be a lack of respect for women all over. Its almost not ok to be a stay at home mum/dad. This is wrong. I dont have a problem with women who want to work but why is it so wrong for a person to want to raise their own children? Why is there a stigma attached to it? If we appreciated the role mums do more I think it would have a knock on effect on society and make it a little fairer.

mmmm seems fair... "Boff opens the jam", "let them cool first Boff or they'll fall to pieces" says Clair protecting the cake, ah Okay, perhaps some more sensible questions to close then, what dreams and ambitions do you have that you would like to achieve before the kids grow up? Any places you would like to visit as a family etc?

I dont know that I do have ambitions as such. I would love to move to somewhere a bit more rural. To a small holding where there is enough room for the kids to roam and some chickens and a dog. But where I can let most of the land go wild. But still get a fab internet connection.

 n'awww that's lovely, "okay Boff, jam me" says Clair passing Boff the first half of the sponge. "remember always jam the top not the bottom", indeed and being a Lancashire lass, what is it that you love the most about your part of the country?

LANCASHIRE LASS?? How very dare you Boff. I am a Yorkshire lass through and through. I just happen to live in lancashire at the moment. I would love to move back to Yorkshire but sadly I feel this is probably a pipe dream.

Whoops! sorry, I meant Yorkshire obviously, ahem. *Clair gently layes the top half of the sponge on the bottom and gently squeezes them together* marvellous technique my darling, marvellous. Finally then my darling, I should like to ask if you were at a tweet-up, who would be there and what would you be doing?

If I was at a tweet up then all the lovely people from twitter would be there. There would be wine and cake and happiness and hugs. What more do you really need in life?

....and with that our interview is finished, which means we get to eat this cake! and finish the wine, ahhh wine and cake. Well my darlings it's been a fantastic series and I hope you've enjoyed them all, we've saved a smasher til last. Love and peace to you all my darlings. xx