Hello my sweethearts! It's me Boff Moatman, we've come here to the Las Vegas of the North, all the way from Wimbledon on a National Express coach, stopping only once at Digbeth for a tiddle, to meet this evening's showbiz guest. An international playboy, philanthropist, with a white van and twenty quid which is currently on black, yes it's our Kirky!
Kirky lad, thanks very much for inviting us up here, The wombles and I fully intend to make the most of the experience, get smashed on cheap booze and seek adventure where it may be found, but first, lets rinse this casino for all it's worth, and somewhere in the middle slot in a few questions, so then, I've been impressed by the way you've handled the Wombles, most people are quite scared of them at first, have you had dealings with wild life before up the Red Rec?
Boff, I'm glad you asked! You might think the strangest thing to ever set foot on the Red Rec was a sleepwalking Roy Cropper in his nightie, however I have seen much worse! Most notably, a naked and confused Tyrone Dobbs making his way home after a Bank Holiday weekender in Manchester. Many people are still convinced they saw a yeti.
*Boff spits his berry dacquari all over the roulette table* ...and of cause you're known as something of a lad about town, but you're also the dependable one in your group of lads. Do you have any good stories about rescuing a mate in trouble while out on the town?
I have had heard that actually, I saw him once in the park with a cherry brandy ice lolly, off his tits he was, 0.1% alcohol and he was away with the fairies, anyway, you're days of playing the field are behind you now, and you're now married (to the lovely Beth), so I wanted ask does this mean that your hell raising days really behind you?
As wise as that sounds Boff, it certainly isn't the case! In fact, I was recently stopped by police at around 2am (three sheets to the wind) and asked where I was going, I examined I was on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it can have on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late. They asked who would be giving such a lecture at that time of day and I replied "My wife!"
Hahahaha ahhh god love Beth, she has quite a shouty voice on her *Wellington walks past wearing a tuxedo of his own, a silver tray balanced on one shoulder with more drinks and poker chips. ...and what about this casino, do you have any strategy to strike it rich?, personally I'm down to my last 30 quid, I reckon the dice on the craps table are loaded
They don't call me the Wizard of Odds for nothing, Boff! They call me it because I'm magically bizarre, sadly I know nothing about gambling!
*shrugs* me either, Now then, a little birdy tells me that you do harbour secret desires to be a super-hero, even going so far as to design your own costume over at Underworld, is that true?
Well, although wearing the merchandise is strictly prohibited, I have been known to make a full suit of armour out of cardboard boxes. The only useful feature of this outfit is that if I stand still in the packing room, nobody knows I'm there!
....I see, and if you were a super-hero, James Bond type, what kind of backstory would you give yourself to impress the ladies?
Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction, and I've never felt obliged to stick to possibilities! So I like to let the ladies think what they want to think, of which I dread to think!
I miss those dogs as much as our Craig misses the point when he orders a diet Coke to go with his 5 large McDonalds meals!
I see, and these days you're a white van man extraordinare, have you got into any scrapeswhile making your deliveries? Can't be easy carting women's pants all over the country
Life on the road certainly has it's surprises, but nothing was more surprising than the time I spotted Emily Bishop staggering up the M5 on her way back from Glastonbury 2011! She reckons she'd been on the champagne with Beyoncé all weekend and the state she was in I can quite believe it!
It's always the quiet ones isn't it, I'll never think of the parish WI in the same way again, and what about Blackpool, what do you recommend the Wombles and I sample while we're up here? Are there any dodgy bits we should avoid?
Boff, get yourself up to the top of the Pepsi Max Big One rollercoaster! It's a long way up, but when that cold Irish Sea wind whips up your trouser leg you know you're alive! But for God's sake, avoid the trams! I still can't look at the things after one nearly came through my front door!
If there's a karaoke machine in the room, I'll be first in the queue! I always fancied myself as the 4th Beegee, then I found out there was a 4th Beegee, so I'll settle for 5th I suppose!
...brilliant, well our interview is almost at an end, and it's time to get nicely smashed, but first what does the future hold for you? are there any big plans in that head of yours?
I'm hoping to get the life and times of Kirk Sutherland documented on film soon, I know Nicolas Cage is up for playing the lead role and I'm sure we could get Jeff Bridges on board for the role of your good self so that this interview can be recreated in all it's glory! Cheers Boff! It's been a pleasure!
...and with that our interview is at end, kirky and I are off to help Bungo spend his winnings and paint Blackpool pink, be sure to tune in again next time for another of our excellent interviews.
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