The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.10 'Mountaineering' ft @CJ44549 (Moody Patooty)

The cameras open on a quaint English backgarden on a sunny afternoon, deep in the heart of the Bristolian riviera. There in the middle of the lawn is pitched a beautiful yellow tent, which houses not only our host, but today's intrepid guest, who will be telling Boff all about her trip up Mount Everest. The camera pans around to the open flaps and peers inside to reveal both Boff and our dear friend Moody Patooty, holding a pint of cider sat on matching bean bags. Strangely on the inside of the tent it feels a lot more cramped and decidedly noisy. A loud cacophony can be heard outside the tent which can only be described as being like Kenneth Williams and Frankie Howerd running round and round shouting 'woo!'

Patooty leans across and makes hand gestures to indicate she can't make herself heard, to which Boff sticks his head out of the tent shouting a set of instructions. "Ahem, sorry about that", he replies coming back in. "Thank god, what was all that noise about Boff?". "errr the Wombles were trying to recreate the noise of the harsh winds on Everest to make our interview more atmospheric" Says Boff. Once he explains the odd wooing noises, Patooty wets herself laughing, "I'm not sure they got it right but thank them for trying" she says taking a sip of cider and adjusting her glasses still laughing. "I've sent them indoors now, your daughter said she'd give them all a makeover", replies Boff, which just makes Patooty laugh even more.

Hail fellows!, Says Boff, and welcome to another Moatman Interview, coming to you live from inside a yellow tent, on a lawn. Now, today's guest is a fun loving girl about town, work hard, play hard, and intrepid adventurer to boot, having scaled Mount Everest no less. Yes, today's guest, sharing a tent with me is Moody Patooty! *Patooty grins and waves at the camera*, "yes, Boff, and as we are sharing a tent I do hope you haven't been eating baked beans!" Laughs Patooty. "I can tell you're going to be a whole lot of mischief" replies Boff also chuckling. Okay, then lets get started with this interview then. I like to ease my guests in with a couple of gentle questions, so I'd like to begin by asking you what the night life in Bristol is like? is it wall to wall cultural icons, Banksy at the bar, Portishead over at Maccers, Tricky arm wrestling with Damien Hirst in the dog and ferret?

Bristol nightlife! Mmmm personally I prefer Bristol day life! Especially in the summer! A few ciders in the sunshine in Bristol is one of my fave things. Night time in Bristol can be a bit of a mixture and sometimes I feel a little old and maybe my skirt is too long! I've tried to dance with Cary Grant in millennium square but he's a little stiff!!

I see, that's not like Cary laughs Boff, mind you he has been quite rigid for a while, anyway,  being something of a cultural icon yourself, what's the weirdest thing you've seen when you've been out and about around your home town?

The weirdest thing?!? Apart from some of my outfits.... Gloucester Road is a good place to see lots of different characters. When I was younger you couldn't go anywhere without seeing Stan The Man, in his vest tops tiny shorts and roller skates! He'd skate absolutely everywhere! Loved him!

N'awwww I do like a good local celebrity, every town and city has their Stan the Man, and perhaps in a related theme, how would you say Bristol is different from Mount Everest?

I don't think Stan the man would do well in his roller skates in Nepal or trekking to base camp! Bristols a little flatter and I much prefer the food here in Bristol, that and the fact I don't have to rely on a yak to carry my stuff!!

Ooooh you'll have to try one of Dirty Sid's curries, it'll make your toes curl and put hairs on your chest. hahahah, sorry I couldn't resist, and seeing as we've come to the topic of Mountains, perhaps a few key questions, firstly what on earth made you want to climb a Mountain?!

Right ok.... I didn't actually make it all the way to the summit of Everest! I trekked to base camp! And I wanted to do it firstly to raise money for charity and secondly to challenge myself and do something that not many people I know would ever get the chance to do! We had a sponsor so that made it easier too!

ahhhh I see, that's still a heck of a way up though isn't it, and what preparations did you have before going? did you have to do any special training for being at high altitudes?

Nope!!!! My other team mates all did a few hilly walks but i just put the treadmill on incline! Surely that's the same right?! I couldn't train for the altitude as I'm not loaded enough to gain access to anything like that!!!

You should have said, we could have put you on the Wimbledon special training scheme, I've got the Rocky sound track on casette tape and bags of shopping you could have used for weight training. Mind you the ducks around here are lethal as soon as they get a whiff of food. So anyway, when you were actually on the climb, were there any points where you were in fear of your own life? what kind of emotional journey did you go on?

So even though I didn't reach the summit, the climb to base camp is very serious as people still suffer serious side effects of the altitude! The only time I feared for my life was when I used one of the outside loos on our last stop before base camp, it smelled so bad my initial instinct was to hold my breath! At that altitude that was really not a good idea! My life flashed before me as I went very dizzy and nearly ended up falling through the hole straight into the pit of hell!!!! I can smell it now just thinking about it!!!!

Y'ouch that sounds biblical, but it must have been pretty special when you reached the top? did you have any euphoric girl on top of the world moments?

Well okay, Boff, I'm not sure how to answer this one because it was quite a personal experience for me. When I got to base camp, I had all the emotions you'd expect as well as being extremely cold as it was snowing. When I decided to do it my step grandad had recently been told he had terminal cancer he told me how proud he was of me and the last time I saw him I held his face I told him I was gonna do it for him!!! I'd also recently lost my cousin and God mum to cancer too so I took a flag up with there with their names on to leave! So as you can imagine the tears were flowing. As well as the fact I hadn't seen my children for two weeks and my son was heartbroken and I miss them madly!!!

Oh my goodness, I can imagine, that's a wonderful way to celebrate their life, ok then, so coming home to your family again must have been a special moment too, did they spoil you rotten? and did you get them any good souvenirs?

I arrived home in the middle of the night and had to go back to work and school the next day, so I woke my boy up and as soon as he saw me he burst into tears! I will never forget that moment!!! I bought them some yak wool blankets, and one for myself, it goes everywhere with me. Also some Buddhist prayer flags and lots of lovely Himalayan tea!

Mmmmm I do love a good cup of tea, and now you're home and back to reality, so I also wanted to ask you some questions about your everyday life to. I know you're studying at the moment, as well as holding down a job, is that proving tough? and how do you manage to juggle all these things?

Yes I'm studying, currently have three assignments left to do and I will graduate in November!! Yay! It's been extremely hard what with working and running a house and being the taxi driver!!! I've just handed in my notice with my current job, I have no job to go too but it needed to be done! This made me very happy! So it's last assignments and job hunting for me! With fitting in seeing my ace friends and drinking far to many thatchers!!!!!


And let's not forget the rugby! Bristol finally back in the prem!!! Yeeeesssss!! Brrriiisssstooll!!

Hahahaha indeed work hard, play hard, and what is the plan after your studies? are you going to hit the lecture circuit and be one of those cool explorer types?

Well the plan after studies at the moment is errrmmmm find a new job I guess!! Who knows what!?! I am currently the butt of my friends jokes and I might be getting a job in kfc!

Well if you do end up working at KFC can you get me mates rates *winks* I also know you have good set of friends around you, so how do you let your hair down? and when do you feel at your most happy?

As mentioned already I have the bestest friends and family, my friends have same age children so that's great. I'm a very social person and when it's the weekend I hate to be stuck in. It's currently Saturday night and I'm in but it's bank holiday weekend so it's super cider Sunday tomorrow with my friends minus children!!! Also I have great neighbours who are now also very good friends and many a drunken stagger home from the pub to their house happens as well as them bursting in on their way back from the pub to carry on the party!!! I love my extended rugby family and have many great days and nights at the club, incidentally that's where super cider is happening tomorrow. BBQ and supporting England against Wales cmon England!!!!

Ahhh yes the Rubgy, and obviously you're also close to your daughter, are you like partners in crime when you're out and about? what's the thing you're most proud about your daughter?

Me and my princess pants! We have our ups and downs! She 13 and full of attitude but she's the most caring and lovely person you'd ever wish to meet! She's fab with her younger brother and everyone she meets tells me how lovely she is, so I can forgive the attitude she has with me! She's absolutely beautiful and she makes me proud just being her!!! Both my children make me super proud!! Love them to infinity and beyond!!

N'awwww Patooty! Well our interview is almost at an end, so perhaps one last question then, what would be your best advice for sharing a tent with someone? particularly if they're of the opposite sex?

Sharing a tent! Always pre warn when there is a gas escape to give them a chance to vacate! That's the most important! Other than that if we are sharing a tent what's yours is mine so any midnight feasts you best be sharing!!!!!

hahahahaha, as if I'd hog the snacks, me, *innocent face* *Boff and Patooty chink glasses and take a long slurp of cider* ahhh my guest is a scamp and no mistake. Well that's it my loves, not just the end of another interview but the end of another series, and just in time for Wimbledon to start, anybody would think I plan these things. Take care of yourselves my lovelies and have a good summer. Adieu.

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.9 'Love to love, baby' featuring @SensualMuppet

The cameras open on a busy high street, where Boff sits on a public bench waiting for today's guest to arrive. Boff patiently nibbles at the chocolate flake of his 99, as suddenly a pair of hands gently clasp round his face, covering his eyes, "guess who?" says a lady's voice. "Ahhh I know who this is!" exclaims Boff, as today's guest moves round to oneside of him and sits down on the bench. "my feet are killing me, you never told me it was this far up the high street I had to walk miles", she continues, retrieving a kitkat from her bag and breaking it in half. "Hail fellows!" Calls Boff, and welcome to another of the Moatman Interviews, this week we've come window shopping with another of Twitter's darlings.

Today's guest is a former Essex girl now settled in Dorsetshire, general coffee monster, mischief maker and plus-sized hand model. We'll be finding out in a little bit exactly what one of those is, but I'm sure you'll agree it sounds interesting. Today's guest is none other than our darling sweetheart Lady Anne (@SensualMuppet). Anne leans foward and waves to camera with a kitkat before relaxing back on the bench. At that, she gives Boff a nudge with her elbow, and nods at the shop in front of them, "what do you think Boff?". The shop in front of them is a well known 'adult' goods shop, with the same first name as today's guest. *Boff turns bright red* "oh no, I simply couldn't, the Wombles pushed me in there once and I've never lived it down" he says. "Oh come on Boff, it'll be fun, where's your sense of daring!"

At that, Anne gets up and grabs Boff's hand dragging him into the shop and almost head first into mannequin wearing stockings and suspenders. "Whoops, sorry Boff, are you okay?" Asks Anne, guiding him away from the underwear model and on to the relative safety of an aisle stacked with dildos in every possible conceivable colour and size. "Right, ahem" says Boff trying to ignore the paraphenalia and be brave, "questions! so many questions". I wanted to start with an easy one to help my readers get to know the real you a little bit, so I wanted to ask is it true you can take the girl out of Essex, but not the Essex out of the girl?

Damn straight! I’m proud of my Essex heritage, frankly there is more to us Essex Birds than Escorts, white stillettos and shagging behind the bins of the local boozer *grins* ok maybe not that much *bigger grin*   I do hate that bloody TOWIE though we aren’t all spray tanned blonde bimbos that say “Basically” every other sentence but I do have my white bits *winks* There are 2 types of people, Essex people and Wannabe Essex people.

"hahahah indeed, they are a most unusual shade of orange don't you agree?" says Boff as Anne hands him a huge pink vibrator, "I mean honestly, I like the colour, but look at it Boff, it's ridiculous, who could be pleased to be confronted with that?" Boff just stands trembling, "shall I put it back? or are you going to keep hold of it?" says Anne as she gently prizes Boff's vice like grip, "Bless you; you are a bit shell-shocked aren't you, come on lets go and look at the bondage stuff down the back, that's probably less distressing for you..." *Boff shakes his head, coming to his senses* ahem yes, I also wanted to ask how you're getting on in Dorsetshire, is it much different to the home you grew up in and know so well? what do you love about Dorset?

I’ve lived here 20 years now, I do like Dorset its very pretty. There are a lot of Londoners here but I’ve yet to meet a fellow Essexian or Essexiest or whatever you call them….  There is a lot a lot a lot of REALLY OLD people…. It’s very different from Essex, we are a friendly breed and even though it’s a huge county theres an unspoken law that anywhere above Chelmsford is essentially fake Essex – thanks for the zoo though, Colchester.

Hahaha I see... *Anne picks up a leather paddle and starts patting it on her bottom* hmmm, it's okay, I suppose... come on Boff, you must have some tougher questions for me? probe away man! probe! I'm not sure 'probe' is a good turn of phrase considering where we are but yes, so lets get to a more in depth question. Perhaps starting with what exactly is a plus-sized hand model and how exactly did you become one?

It’s the same as a regular hand model, except I wear bigger knickers…. *spots chocolate willies* oooooooh, look Boff, 75% cocoa solids. I do think it's important to have at least 75% of solids in a willy, otherwise it's a bit of a disappointment. I'm not judging though, I just like the taste of proper chocolate. 

*Boff almost chokes on his own beard* "are you okay darling, go easy, I can't carry you out of here" says Anne, before spotting something else she likes the look of, "I see" says Boff  *Anne has now ducked down to something on the bottom shelf of the aisle and disappears from view*, Boff peering over the top of the aisle to see what she's looking at continues to ask and have you found your identical hand-twin yet?

Not yet….*looks at hands* I don’t think anyone could twin what these hands can do, and I suspect some of it is immoral or illegal :-D, but still perfectly lovely, a bit like Mr Kippling's cakes in that respect, except these are hands not cakes. "Do you have a beard twin Boff?" says Anne, I bet there must be one out there somewhere...

Well, I have many beard twins as it goes, men of a certain age you see. *Anne pops back up beaming with a big smile holding a fluffy pair of hand-cuffs* No! I draw the line at hand-cuffs, I had an unpleasant experience many years ago, that left me penniless and naked stuck in a London hotel, least said about that *blushes* I also wanted to ask you about relationships, you've been blessed in having a life-long friend, Sandy, who's been with you thorough thick and thin. So I wanted to ask  how has your friendship evolved over the years? are you still the same two giggling girls from school?

We aren’t old school friends, but we have known each other since our youngest kids started school so that’s about…*counts on fingers* about 8 years now.  She’s a darling, bit crazy bonkers but a darling…she’s been a big support and a good friend, I’ve been a right ratbag to her sometimes but she always sticks by me.  We do have some right belly laugh times…she does say she doesn’t laugh with anyone else the way she does with me. She’s a bloody nightmare when she is a passenger in your car, she will beep your horn and pretend it’s you and bark out the window at people….I love her to bits though. BTW that rumour about us being lesbians is NOT true…..or is it…*jingles handcuffs*

"No really", says Boff, "I can't do hand-cuffs, I have chubby wrists, look" *waves wrists about* "N'awwww, spoilsport" says Anne, before adding "ooooh this is nice", holding up a red corset, "can I try this on she calls to the attendant", before disappearing into a changing room with saloon doors. "keep going Boff, I won't be a minute, and I can still hear you in here", she says as she starts rustling around. Right, and Sandy is as mischievous as you, do you have any good stories you could share with us about scrapes you two have gotten into along the way?

Ooooh lots…she got me so drunk one night…adding vodka to my drink when I left the room, the biatch, and then making me wear a wonderwoman outfit at a new years party….

*A bra comes flying over the top of the saloon doors*, "Be a love and grab that for me please Boff" she calls as she continues wrestling with the corset. Okay, seeing as we're in a sex shop, perhaps a different kind of question. Given that the media is obsessed with the female form, and that most advertising these days from washing up liquid to cars is sexualised with scantily clad women, the male form is somewhat in decline. So I wanted to ask what do women really think about the male... ahem...body...

Well lets just say that one of the most surprising thing about willies is their ability to transform in size so dramatically. It’s so… purple!  Yeah, yeah, we get it – it’s the blood flowing to your willy which makes it hard. But really, it’s just so *dark* It reminds us of other things too.. Gonzo’s nose, a Smurf house, mushrooms, aubergines. Hours of fun.

*more rustling continues, with the saloon doors almost bursting open at one point*, "This corset is a bugger to get on" Anne calls out, "hold on" *Boff is tempted to offer some assistance and then remembers Anne still has the handcuffs* ...and if you could change one thing about the anatomical design of the male body, what would you change and why?

Make semen taste better…like chocolate, strawberry, vodka… ya know. *adjusts knicker elastic* bit more girth…less hairy, the ability to see dirty dishes…to not spend 2 hours in the bog having a dump, I mean come on we’re not that different!

"Oh good grief, and now we're back to the Cocoa solids!" calls Boff 

*Anne comes out of stall, almost overspilling from the corset* "Ta-dah!" she calls "I can tell by the way your eyes are almost on stalks that this is a keeper" she laughs, " Right I'll get changed back then lets get out of here", *Anne retrieves her under-garments from Boff and disappears back into the changing room*

Perhaps moving away from the anatomical, what do you think are the main differences between men and women? and have you developed any good strategies for handling men and their delicate male egos?

Strategies? We are different…we can multi task…we have a better memory…and no I’ve given up salving the male ego…done that been there got the t-shirt the divorce papers the dog the house and the kids and the broken heart (numerous times). I could tell you many stories about that Boff. I still like boys though, you're fiendishly addictive!

Boff allows himself a smile to himself with that one, *Anne emerges from the changing room, back fully dressed*. "Oooh, there's one more thing I need to get and then lets go", "I'll meet you at the till, here take this", she says handing Boff the corset. The shop girl on the till just watches quizzically trying to work out the relationship before assuming that Anne has come shopping for sex aides with either her grandad or hugh hefner. Errr okay, and what good advice would you give to your daughter for dealing with the male of the species, and picking a future partner? what things have you learned that could help guide our female readers?

Frankly I think my eldest daughter is more mature in that way than me…she’s in a great relationship with a lovely fella I’m sure if anything she should be giving me advice lol…I make men run for the hills…can't think why.. *jiggles handcuffs again*

If I’ve learnt anything I’ve learnt to be myself and not what someone else wants me to be. I think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my time on this tiny planet so who am I to give advice…

*Anne arrives at the till with a penis shaped candle*, *Boff goes an even deeper shade of red*, "What? I couldn't let you go without getting a present for your little Wimbledon friends could I? "I'm sure that Bungo will love it" replies Boff, now also laughing.

Well our interview is almost at an end, so perhaps time for one more quick question before we wrap up, then I suggest we find a bar and I get a stiff drink. ahem. So then, if you were marooned on an island with Bear Grylls, what three items would you have with you to help your survival and why?

Who’s Bear Grylls? Is he in Emmerdale? *Wry smile and wink*

...and with that our interview is at an end, and Anne is going to treat Boff to a 'stiff' drink for being such a good sport and braving another trip around Anne Summers!

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.8 'Presidential times' featuring @imcousinRalph

The cameras open on the outside of a luxurious limo, with tinted bullet proof windows, 28" chrome alloys, a thirty grand paint job, and a shiny front grill so big, it looks more like a garden gate than something you would find on the front of a car. The interior is no less lavish, hand stitched Italian white leather seating, with disco beaded lights on the apexs and a mirror on the ceiling. A drinks mini bar fitted into one console and the dulcet tones of Dr. Dre gently wafting through the interior from the fifty grand sound system. This is no shabby affair I can tell you, and Boff has taken the assignment seriously dressed up to the nines in his best suit (from Saville Row c. 1978 - but it still fits!).

Sitting opposite Boff holding a glass of brandy is today's guest, flanked either side by his female honour guard. Two deadly but beautiful ladies, with legs so smooth and so long they seem to go on forever, and a machine gun resting in their laps. "Hail Fellows!" Calls Boff, taking another sip of his malibu and coke, welcome to yet another Moatman Interview coming to you today live and direct from the state vehicle of a modern day leader, some say rules with an iron fist, and others say is a gentle pussy cat, depending on what mood he's in. I can tell you I won't be trying my luck either way.

Indeed, today's Moatman guest is the very distinguish principal protagonist of Uganda, yes, today I'm interviewing @ImcousinRalph. Ralph nods in the direction of the guard to his left, who shells a cashew nut, before popping it in Ralph's mouth. "It's so difficult to get good cashews" says Ralph, "But I have them imported directly, you can't mess with these things Mr Boff" He continues, before opening a small box and offering Boff a large cuban cigar to go with his drink. "oooh thank you" says Boff, I don't actually smoke, but cigars are different aren't they; they don't count as real smoking. So then I've received confirmation from your press office that they've reviewed my questions and circled the ones I'm allowed to use, so perhaps we should crack on then, perhaps we could begin by asking about your rise to power and how you came to find yourself leader? can you tell us about that?

My rise to power was purely accidental. Mostly due to many of my opponents having unfortunate accidents, and I can tell you, I have such fond memories of those “accidents”. 

*laughs loudly*

Don’t forget to laugh at my jokes Mr Boff. *Boff looks nervous, before letting out a loud laugh that lasts ever so slightly too long* Apart from that, I’m a born leader and my people love me. Some say it was my destiny, especially Alex Salmond, he sends me a bottle of scotch every St Andrew’s day without fail. I’m king of Scotland you know. But it hasn’t gone to my head.

Ahhhh, that explains the haggis I found in the glove box. *Ralph stares at Boff* "that is not haggis", ohh I see....errr.... so anyway, as a young boy, did you always harbour ambitions of one day leading this great nation?

As a boy, I wanted to join the Ugandan army, until one fateful day when I witnessed my first accident. I kicked a football in to our family pond and ordered the gardener to retrieve it. Watching the crocodiles attack and eat him was my eureka moment, for I knew then, that I was destined to be a great leader.
So, you could say that my gardener sacrificed himself so that I could fulfil my destiny as leader. I still joined the army of course, and it was this that propelled me to the presidency. I didn’t get all these medals out of a Christmas cracker you know.

They are very very shiny I must admit, and what kind of leader are you? a kind and fair man, or a ruthless tyrant, hell bent on glory, and a spot of Netflix and Chill?

Ruthless tyrant? Oh please Mr Boff..  *looks out of window*
Would a ruthless tyrant allow you to sit in a luxury car sipping Malibu and coke?
Of course, there is no denying that I am the greatest leader the world has ever seen. My people love me, they shower me with gifts on my official birthday. I’m admired for my kindness and my, ermm, modesty, etcetera etcetera, as the king of Siam would say *smiles* Some say the Dalai Lama is a tyrant. He forces his followers to wear those ridiculous saffron robes while ordering them not to step on ants. That’s bullshit in anyone’s book.

That does seem pretty silly to be fair, I much prefer a T-shirt and jeans if I'm honest, and as for ants, there are quite a lot of them. Besides, who goes shopping at their local supermarket in orange and white robes. I'm sorry, I'm quite nervours, can I have another cigar please. *The guard to Ralph's right forcibly pushes a cigar into Boff's face* Hmmm, what about global politics, what plans do have to advance Uganda's standing, both in African politics, but also on the wider international stage?

Hmmm, global politics. This is a subject close to my heart. World domination is so last year. But!... But, *waves finger* African politics, well that’s another matter. The whole of Africa looks to Uganda, and to me for leadership. (In admiration of course) The other leaders, they’re such amateurs. Mugabe, for example, always sleeping on duty. Has he been bitten by a tsetse fly?

*exchanges smiles with female body guards*

As for the international stage, I have ordered a remake of that awful work of fiction, Raid on Entebbe. Have you ever seen that movie? A joke, yes? Mark my words, Uganda will one day be famous for exporting luxury flip flops to Israel.

hahahah, that sounds like a shrewd goal, the world needs more flip flops, and what do you make of your other fellow leaders? what about the major players, like Obama, Putin, Jinping, Cameron, Merkel et al?

It makes my blood boil that the American people elected a Kenyan as president. A Kenyan? Why not a Ugandan?

If it walks like a lame duck and quacks like a lame duck, it’s a lame duck right?
But Putin, you have to admire him, now there’s a man who knows how to deal with trouble makers. Polonium 210, wow! And who else wrestles a bear before breakfast? As for Cameron and Merkel, well, we all know who is wearing the gimp suit in that relationship.
*laughs loudly*

Laugh Mr Boff. *Boff laughs loudly*

Anyway, how many of these so called world leaders have sexy body guards with golden machine pistols? None Mr Boff. None!

They are indeedy a heady mixture of over sexualised female beauty and ruthless killing machines, perhaps something that the fashion designers of Milan could learn from sir, and is it true that you offered the former female leader of Argentina (Cristina Fernández de Kirchner) a go in your personal jacuzzi?

Yes, I offered Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a go in my “jacuzzi” well, until I saw her close up. No wonder her country’s in such a mess. Do you know she has a tattoo of some south Atlantic islands on her bottom? One of my henchmen saw it while he was giving her a cavity search. Oh boy what a cavity! Anyway, I sent her packing with a crocodile handbag and trowel for her makeup. I’m generous like that. Mind you, she would have taken it anyway.

I'm glad to see Ugandan ~ Argentine relationships are on such a positive level, that's reassuring, and in terms of national politics, Uganda does have a bit of a problem with over administration, with one administrative leader per 6 Ugandans, compared to one doctor per 300 Ugandans, will you be cutting through the red tape? How's cousin Bootsie by the way?

I don’t see over administration as a problem. With a high staff turnover, it makes sense to have people on standby, ready to fill the gaps when someone fails, Ermm has an unfortunate accident. And the higher your office, the higher you fall as I like to say. As for doctors, I have personally launched a system based on your 111 telephone service. When I say based on, I mean all calls are connected to your lovely operators thus saving my country a small fortune in medical bills.

That is both ingenius and incredibly devious, I am quite in awe of you. Now of cause I know all these different issues must take their toll, so I wanted to ask how do you relax after a day's work?

As for relaxation, I love to sit and watch my pet sharks, especially at feeding time.
Do you like James Bond Mr Boff? I like watching Bond movies. In fact that was the inspiration for my shark tank which sits directly under my cabinet meeting room. There’s a button fitted to my desk that when pressed, flips one of the chairs backwards dispensing its occupant directly in to the shark tank.*roars with laughter*  Who needs discovery channel?

hahahah I'm starting to think your life is essentially the movie 'let and live die', except it's Mr Bond that dies at the end instead of Yaphet Kotto. *Ralph eyes Boff keenly* before explaining that actually his life is more like a cross between 'the King of Scotland' meets 'Boogie Nights' only with more gold and presidential meetings.

I see and do you enjoy attending the national sporting events? do you have any that are particularly close to your heart?

Ugandans are renowned for their sportsmanship and I love to attend national events. I always get the best seat in the stadium you know. I particularly like watching Rugby. Where else can you watch people getting beaten to a pulp? Apart from interrogation of course.

Then there’s beach volleyball and mud wrestling. Thunderpussy here *Ralph points to the bodyguard on his left* is three times champion and my Personal bodyguard. She’s particularly close to my heart Mr Boff. Do you know she can open a Coca-Cola bottle without using her hands or feet?

*Boff just sits agog for a moment* I see, now, it says here, I'm not allowed to ask this one, but I can't do an interview without asking, what's going on with this money transfer union business? and has the issue of this nine million Ugandan dollars been resolved yet?

Ask not what nine million Ugandan dollars can do for you. Ask what you can do for nine million Ugandan dollars, as my friend Mr Kennedy once said before his terrible limousine accident. Besides Mr Boff, what is a bag full of cash between friends? An investment, that’s what it is. Know what Amin. Get it? Amin?
As far as I’m concerned, there are lots of investments pouring in to my country. All financial business is legitimate and above board. In fact, my accountants are changed regularly for security reasons, so I have personally eradicated corruption.

Well, I'm glad that we sorted that little issue out then, and what about your future, are you busy working on producing a son and heir to take on the mantle when you come ready to retire? or are you planning to keep your grasp on control for as long as possible?

Oh my future is very secure, you can’t argue with destiny Mr Boff. My people love me so much they don’t want me to step down. and, an accident is most unlikely. My private jet funded by your government is maintained to the highest standards. Besides, Miss Thunderpussy and I never fly without our his & hers emergency parachutes.

As for producing an heir, practice makes perfect as they say. But, seriously, my eldest son is in the army and has ten medals already, and a hit with the ladies apparently. A chip off the old block as you say in England.

So the future is rosy then, excellent! well our interview is almost at a close, so just time for one more quick question. Is it true you've been asked to be a judge on the national TV show Uganda's got talent? and if so what kind of acts will you be looking out for this year?

Yes it’s true that I’ve been asked to be a (the) judge on Uganda’s got talent. After all, it was my brilliant idea in the first place. But I’m a busy man Mr Boff. A role better suited to my glamorous bodyguards wouldn’t you agree?

Besides, I’m working on another far more impressive project. I’m a political prisoner get me out of here. There’s a twist Mr Boff, no one actually makes it to freedom.

*roars with laughter*

Anyway, I’m late for a medal presentation so this concludes the interview. Miss Totty will drive you back to the airport. Oh, and keep the cigar as a souvenir Mr Boff. Fidel Castro rolled that one himself.  Send my regards to your Queen, the corgi was delicious!

and with that Ralph and Miss Thunderpussy exit the limo to bright flashes of cameras and cheers of excited people. The car door slams, leaving Boff sat sitting nervously opposite a beautiful young guard with a machine gun in her lap pointing at Boff. "Well, thank you for joining us, provided I don't have an accident on the way back to the airport I'll see you again next week".

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.7 'Modern art' featuring @Dawnymock

The Cameras open on a light and airy art studio, where a dozen or so artists are busy applying paint to their canvasses. On the stage a nude young woman is draped over a tall chair, doing her best to make the most of her womanly curves. The art teacher wanders around the back of the class surveying her students works, with an encouraging word here or a guiding hand there. The model on the stage remaining motionless except for the slight movement of her ribs as she breathes. At this point the circular clock on the wall strikes eleven o'clock, and the teacher claps her hands. "Okay, that's enough for today, please rotate so the next class can begin". The students pack up their things and the model puts on her dressing gown before leaving the stage through a little door at the back.

As one class leaves through one door, the next class enters the room through another. A dozen art students wander into the room chatting and setting up their easels. Amongst them an elderly gent with a big grey beard and an auburn haired lady discussing the finer points of art. "Hail fellows!" Calls Boff, as he sets down a small glass of water and wets his brushes. Today we're taking an art class with one of Canada's finest. An artist, inventor, mother, and all round good egg. Yes, today's guest on the Moatman interviews is Dawn Mockler (@DawnyMock). Before Dawn can introduce herself the next 'life model' enters the room from the back. It's none other than @DirtySid (see Episode 3, Series 3) who comes in carrying a bowl of something steaming which he proudly presents to the art teacher, whispering something in her ear. He then clambers on to the stage, throwing off his dressing gown before placing a fist on each hip and forming a striding pose.

Dawn sits agog for a full thirty seconds not knowing where to look, before turning to Boff. "He's with you isn't he?" she says half flabbergasted, half irked. "The male form is just as beautiful as the female form is" replies Boff. "I knew you'd try and pull something like this" says Dawn, before continuing "I don't embarrass that easily you know Mr Moatman". Dawn picks up a pencil and begins to trace lines on her canvass, paying attention to the 'life model' on the stage who breaks pose from time to time to wave or wink at the art students. "Ah, I'm sorry" Says Boff, "I couldn't resist, and you have to admit, he does make interesting subject matter", so anyway, lets not get too distracted, I did have a few questions for you. So to begin, perhaps a gentle, ahem 'warm up', question, before we get to the more weighty topics. To help my audience get to know you, which five words would you use to describe yourself and why?

Wow, you are making me think!  Funny and shy, those go together. One to cope with the other.  Strong.  I don't give up.  Caring.  Oh, and creative.  Even as a child I was drawing, knitting, writing silly commercials for the tape recorder with my sisters

N'awww that sounds like a fine selection my darling, and I do think it catches your essence well. So then perhaps continuing on a similiar introductory theme; as a resident of New Brunswick, what can you tell us about your home. What's it like? and how does Canada differ from the USA?

New Brunswick is very beautiful, lots of open spaces, as my friend's old boyfriend described it, "Miles and Miles of effing trees".  Ha ha  But you know I love trees. Fredericton has the best of both worlds, with the beautiful Saint John River for kayaking: many miles of trails for running/biking, Odell Park with so many mature trees. There is also a strong arts community, you can hike in the morning, listen to Symphony New Brunswick in the evening, and not have to take your car!

In terms of the difference between Americans and Canadians, Hmm... Canadians are funnier, don't you think?  Ha ha Sean Cullen, the late John Candy, Catherine O" Hara.  And we apologize more.  Sorry.  It's true.

hahaha no need to apologise! well I can't comment on the humour, I come from a very traditionally British sense of humour, but I do agree that John Candy was hilarious. Uncle Buck and Space Balls are a couple of classics, and who can forget Planes, Trains and Automobiles, *Boff allows himself a moment to chuckle at the dancing alien scene from Space balls* Okay then missy, that's enough of the warm up stuff, lets get back to the more artistic stuff, how would you describe your style? Are you more of an artist or an illustrator?

More of an artist I think.  My cartoons are only for fun. They haven't been published.  I am a physiotherapist and art is my way of unwinding.

mmmm okay, but I do think you're selling yourself short, there's a wry wit in your cartoons and quite a dry sense of humour that plays on the human spirit. Which reminds me, like others who have graced our interviews, your work also tends to carry a message or reflect experiences from real life. So I wanted to ask what inspires your art-work?

I love to make people laugh, a few people got a kick out of my scribbles so I kept drawing them.  For me it has become like a crossword puzzle: let's see if I can do one today. My teens are my test audience - if they smile I know it's good! 

My paintings are often inspired by nature.  I seem to get the best response when I paint trees.  Miles and miles of trees ha ha

*Boff laughs* we have quite a few trees on Wimbledon Common too you know. That and park benches, dog bins, empty cans of Thunderbird and White Lightning cider, it's quite the happening place I can assure you. Anyway, making people smile and laugh sounds like a pretty good motivation to me, and in terms of the art, what other inspirations do you have? are there any particular artists, or authors who inspire you? I do detect something of the Quentin Blake and Michael Heath in your style :)

Thank you Boff, somebody else compared my work to Quentin Blake before, he is so wonderful!  I'm not worthy!  I always loved Ben Wick's style, loved how he got his point across in the fewest lines possible.  I have every book Gary Larson ever published.  He is like a god to me.  Don't get me started.  I remember reading about Mary Pratt who got back to painting when her children were young.  She would set up in the dining room and just paint.  Making the time.  Now that's what I do!

Indeed, I know several other budding artists and writers on Twitter who juggle family life and their artistic pursuits. I'm in awe of all of you, it really isn't easy, so I do appreciate the determination. I also, think that your artwork does capture the human spirit well. So I wanted to ask what do you make of modern society? and our place within it?

Thank you Boff!   I think modern society is getting it right in some areas.  Let people dress the way they want to dress, marry whomever they choose.  I think we are failing in our relationship with nature.  Clear cutting forests and planting one species of tree to replace it.  Overfishing.  Not respecting the balance.  I will get off of my soap box now ha ha

ahhh see I knew you were a nature lover. I must admit I do sometimes worry about the Common, it can only be a matter of time before they decide to start builing houses on it. Too close to London you see, valuable land. If things get dicey, I'll call in that Swampy bloke, he knows a thing or two about helping protect natural land. Cause with the Newbury by-pass they lost, but Swampy does know a lot... ahem anyway, the point is we can see you're a nature lover, particularly birds, so I wanted to ask you whether the natural environment is close to your heart?

I grew up in Belledune, New Brunswick, which is on New Brunswick's north shore.  The Bay of Chaleur was in my back yard.  I was always outside.  It is still my happy place.  To me a house is a place to hold by stuff while I go outside! My father is a bird lover too, when I am home to visit there is always a pair of binoculars and a Petreson field guide handy!

N'awww that's lovely, it sound very relaxed and of cause Canada is well known for it's natural beauty, what thing are you most proud of Canada for?

I am most proud of Canada for socialized medicine.  If you get sick here you are looked after, of course the beauty of the land as well, but we can't really take credit for that.

Well indeed, I also wanted to ask what kind of mother you are (active/laid-back/outdoorsy etc)? and what hopes and aspirations you have for your own children? any good pearls of wisdom you can share?

I have always been the active/outdoorsy Mom, now it is trickier to get the kids off their gadgets.  (My boys are still at home. They are 17 and 13.  My daughter has successfully launched and comes home for Sunday dinners) My hope is that my children will do something they enjoy, and find balance in their lives.  I hope my husband and I have set a good example.  Then again, they need something to tell their therapist!!

As for pearls of wisdom - a tough one.  I guess learning to let them make mistakes and face consequences.  Easy to say, so hard to do.

hahahah indeed, and also not to be ashamed about the human body, particularly if you're names Sid! Now then, there's also been talk on Twitter of your inventive side, so I wanted to ask what's all this 'Breadbun' malarky is about?

ahaha the "Beard" Bun - it's from a cartoon I drew, also my million dollar Dragon's Den idea.  You in??  Boff, it would look lovely on you!

"Beard" aaaah that makes more sense, Wombles mubble, I'm forever telling them to speak up. As for Beard Buns, I'm more of a 'let it hang free' kind of guy, as I'm sure others would attest. The mention of food however has made me hungry, despite the view, ahem, so then are you a dab hand in the kitchen? what's your signature dish? and who would you invite to dinner given the chance?

Ooh, I make a mean lasagna.  It is from my Mom's recipe.  Which isn't really written down.  If I buy too many brushes/paints at Michael's, I just make that dish.  All is forgiven. :)

hahahah excellent! we're almost at the end of our interview, and I have to admit your drawing looks better than mine, so perhaps I could be so kind as to ask you what you make of our life model? More importantly can you ever forgive me?

Oh Boff, I can never stay mad at you! Wait, you just gave me an idea - Man Bun South?! You in?

hahahaha Sid does look like he could need some tidying up doesn't he? Then again part of the reason my picture is so crap is because he is a bit wiggly and errr ahem, whispy... and on that bombshell, it's time to say goodbye for today, and we'll return next week with another of our interviews...

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.6 'The life and times of a former green rage monster' ft @Halksmush

The Camera opens on a spacious conservatory with white patio garden furniture. Looking out from the conservatory is a neatly kept green lawn with a rabbit sitting peacefully nibbling some grass. Sitting at the circular conservatory table is an elderly gentlemen wearing what looks like a tea cosy on his head. It's a face that we recognise well from numerous Moatman Interviews, so numerous in fact that this is the 50th Moatman interview today. "Gosh" says Boff when he's told this, before expanding further to say "I didn't even realise that I knew 50 people..."

A few seconds later today's guest enters the conservatory carry two cups of tea and a small cake on a tray, which he places on the table next to Boff. "phew, it's a bit warm in here isn't Boff, do you want me to open some windows" he asks. "I was quite enjoying the warmth, its been so cold of late" replies Boff, as today's guest takes his seat and proceeds to cut himself a wedge of cake. It really is quite a refined little set-up you have here.

"So then!" exclaims Boff, "onward!" "Today, is a very special day as it is indeed my 50th Moatman interview, and I can't tell you how happy I am that today's guest agreed to take part. An old friend of ours who's been around since the start and brings his own sense of random and silliness to the Twitterverse. He's a former green rage monster who has since sort calmer pursuits, and today helps keep us all on our toes with his vast experience of hero-ing type stuff. Yes, today's guest is our very own Halksmush. *Boff raises his tea cup to Smush with a smile*

Smush straightens his hair with his hands and adjusts the lapels of his tweed waistcoat, pulling the T-shirt underneath down to remove any creases. On reflection, Smush seems a quiet fellow, his days of racucous chaos somehow behind him and a new zen calm palable from his demeanour. So I wanted to begin by asking when did you first realise that you could turn into a huge green rage monster??

Smush begins by refuting the claims that he gets his powers from eating a banana. Although he does endorse bananas as a healthy source of potassium. No, he got his powers by accident on night when trying to interface with his computer. Instead of making the Kelly Le Brock girlfriend he'd hoped for, the electric surging through him created the wild green breast. He was so cross that he smashed his SEGA Megadrive. After pausing for a moment and wistfully looking out at the lawn he shrugs and simply says "Anger gets the washing up done sometimes. it's useful when bottled".

Boff nods and agrees, and washing up liquid is green too. I bet that's not a coincidence. "May I have a slice of your cake" asks Boff "oh of cause" replies Smush slicing a wedge of cake and reaching for a small serving saucer. Boff continues "and to begin with, you found it a struggle to control your new powers, the incident in Bejams being a particular low. Can you tell us about those early heady days?"

Well Boff, I met ex-Bristol City and Scotish footballer Joe Jordan outside Bejams, completely by chance you understand. I don't normally frequent with such types. Anyway my dog didn't like him and started barking. Joe took offence to this and started swearing at the pair of us, I had no idea what he was saying but he prodded me with his finger and said something about dog and sunny Jim. Complete wanker to be honest, but that's when the savage beast came upon me. I'm not proud of what happened next, I'm not a violent man Boff.

I think that's entirely justified to be fair, no one likes being prodded outside Bejams, well, except for my Auntie Mandy, but she doesn't count to be honest. Another question I had was around wardrobe, did you get through a lot of clothes? any particular embarrassing moments when the stretchy trousers didn't quite stretch enough if get my gist?

I must admit I do get through a lot of boxer shorts Boff. I often wonder if it's even worth bothering with underwear at all sometimes. When you do the cost of washing versus just buying Asda pants once a week. I suppose on the flipside of the coin it does save on laundry detergent doesn't it. I should also say that I take my responsibilities seriously, thus far *touches wood* there haven't been any unfortunate boys out of the barracks moments when I've transformed.

Wow, Asda pants are alot more sturdy and forgiving than I had realised. That's marvellous to hear, now I know you're kind of shy about talking about your hero days, but you did get into the hero-ing after a bit, and joined a sort of team, so i wanted to ask what was your most proud moment from those days?

Smush pauses at this moment, looking down and smiling to himself as if recalling some glorious adventure from his past. He gives a little sigh and then says "I once won a chlli eating and vodka drinking contest against a biker the size of a mountain. Proud day, Proud day".

I see, so not all those people you saved?

or the time the Russian nuclear sub went haywire and you dived to a depth of 15,000ft to free it's propellers, and bring it back to the surface? "Nope" says Smush, "Definitely the Chilli, the guy was huge Boff". before adding "I did once climb into the Blue Peter garden for a laugh, it sort of didn't go as well as I had planned, but that was pretty cool too". Wait, wasn't that John Fashanu? oh my god! Best move swiftly on, err you soon went solo again, can you tell us what caused the split and how it was like coping on your own?

This particular question seemed to tug on Smush's heart strings more than the others, for a moment he clams up and tells Boff that he doesn't like to talk about it. Clearly even after all
these years the super hero rift thing has still causes him some pain. The President said at the time he was suprised by the sudden split and hadn't realised that Halksmush was quite such a big fan of Star Wars, probing a little further Smush looks glumly into his tea and simply says "Han solo dies" a cryptic answer, but perhaps eluding to the rumours that the rest of his team didn't respect the 'no spoilers' rule, particularly Future boy who had already seen all nine Star Wars films by 1992.

"ahh sad times" says Boff, also pausing for a moment, and you've since reformed and given up your green rage monster days, what was the motivation behind that?

Well Boff, I have a beautiful face and it was extremely selfish of me to deny the ladies of Twitter the chance to longingly gaze upon my pretty face. I hope you understand that I am a giver. I couldn't hide behind that green mask forever. Now the people of Twitter can gaze upon me in my true and final form. I've evolved Boff, it was time to grow up.

N'awwww that's beautiful Smush, and I must admit you do seem much calmer and happier for it. You look years younger infact, so perhaps we could ask then have you developed any particular techniques to help stay calm?

At this Smush seems to perk up a bit after the superhero question. He smiles and becomes more animated explaining how he likes to shout at inanimate objects or things happening on TV. There's nothing more relaxing and enjoyable than shouting at Gregg Wallace's face as he slurps some poor sods cooking creation. "Piss off you smug bald twat!" I shout, it's excellent Boff, you really should try it. I also make a concerted effort to stay away from buses pre 9am. That's just the way it is.

I see, and a little birdy also tells me that you've taken up drawing as a way to help maintain your calm and avoid any unnecessary agitation, so I wanted to ask I know you've taken up drawing super heroes mainly, how's that working out? and have you sorted out the bulge on the webbed heros pants?

Smush admits that he has taken up drawing but still finds it a struggle, there's certain elements of the superhero design that he hasn't quite perfected yet. He then gets up and goes inside to fetch his sketching book to show Boff exactly what he means. Returning momentarily he hands Boff a crude sketch of what looks like a deformed Spiderman(tm) with a massive trouser bulge and enormous head. Errr his head is quite big isn't it? asks Boff, "Yeah, it's quite difficult to fit all the stuff inside", replies Smush, "sorry the cock went a bit wrong as well, that bit is a work in progress" I see, I just thought he was really excited about his day's heroing or something replies Boff.

That's great mate, says Boff, the drawing is really coming along, so then what does the future hold for our dear Smush? and what have you been getting up to since your hero days?

"I am going to run for King and declare war on Luxembourg, purely because Luxembourg scored me 100 points on the Pointless board game last Christmas", Says Smush before laughing, "I'm only kidding Boff, I'm just taking it easy at the moment and seeing where life leads, sometimes its better not to make too many plans"

I see, and no calls from the President then? not even in an honorary fashion? what a bastard, but of cause you still have an adventurous heart, every day is a new thrill, so what have you been up to this week for example?

"Whisky".

Boff sits for a moment and waits for Smush to expand upon his answer, then realising that Smush isn't going to say more he eyes Smush quizzically. Smush responds by pulling a goofy face back, for a full two minutes the two men sit staring at eachother locked in some kind of perculiar face-off. Then Boff snapping back to his senses says, "Whisky" that's your answer is it. "It's what I've been doing Boff" smiles Smush, before they both laugh. well you're quickly becoming a legend of the Twitterverse, what has your twitter journery been like? how would you describe it to a friend?

Again this is another question that brings a big smile to Smush's face, "ahh Boff, Twitter is brilliant, I no longer ever walk alone anymore" Boff and Smush then talk about the firm friends they've made on Twitter and the joy of being woken to a friendly message, or general insult. It can be hard to tell sometimes, but it's all done in the spirit of love my friend.

hahaha, I couldn't have put it better myself, well my dear friend, we're pretty much at the end of our interview, although of cause when the cameras stop rolling we can take a proper look at these drawings of yours, I wanted to ask what advice you have for me? I've done 50 of these buggers now, where do I go from here?

Hmmmm a very good question, well I can't help much with interviews, but I would advise never lick a battery to test its power and always remember that when your'e down or even at your lowest ebb, there will always be me or someone offering you a hand or a backy on my BMX.

n'awww mate, that's a lovely thing to say, thank you, and with that our interview is at a close and Smush and Boff go off to get some paper and pencils to pen a new super hero comic of their own.

 

The Moatman Interviews -S5- No.5 'Cat Stevens and the wild Finleys' Featuring @WTF_MYOB

The cameras open on a night sky, lit up by the bright lights of downtown St Paul's, Minnesota. The beautiful lights of the city shimmering across the mighty Mississippi in the heart of the American mid-west. At a distance the city seems peaceful and still, the glow of the city lighting up the purples and dark blues of a clear night sky. Then as the cameras move in toward the banks of the river it becomes clear that even at 2am the city is still bustling, cafes and bars with couples and groups of friends mingling and chatting, the smell of food cooking in the air and then as we move along the river the gentle sounds of 'Moonshadow' eminating from an all night cafe. The camera passes a couple of bearded gentlemen sat outside smoking and talking about the result of the latest Minnesota Wild's hockey game.

Inside the cafe, the arched shaped windows and neon gives way to round tables and wicker backed chairs, with paintings depicting musicians and movie stars from the 50s and 60s. Two waitresses topping up the small number of clientele's coffee cups. An old style jukebox up one end of the cafe half hidden away in an alcove. Then panning the room we find a couple up the other end in deep conversation, one a beard gent sipping from a cup of coffee and the other, a laid back lady lounging in her chair and playing with the lava lamp that sits between. Ahhh so this must be Boff Moatman's next celebrity guest. "Oh hello", says Boff, putting down his coffee. "So here we are Stateside again, I caught the red-eye first thing and I still didn't arrive till this afternoon, but it's been totally worth it". "Today's guest is a fasinating mine of information, with her own cultural smarts, and plenty of Sass to boot". Today's guest is our very own Trish Finley. *Trish shoots the camera a grin, and then turns to face Boff*

Thank you for inviting me to come and see you, I must admit, I'm pretty excited. I have plenty of questions I've been dying to ask you, but to help ease us in, why don't you tell us all about your home town?

Well, says Trish, Assuming her best Alice Cooper from Wayne’s World Pose… "Saint Paul is the capital city of Minnesota and was founded near historic Native American settlements as a trading and transportation center. Saint Paul rose to prominence when it was named the capital of the Minnesota Territory in 1849 and lies mostly on the east bank of the Mississippi River.

Minnesota's official nickname is the North Star State, originating from the French motto that appears on MN's state flag and seal: l'étoile du nord (translation: the star of the North), lying to the northern most reaches of the USA and bordering with Canada.

Minnesota and North Dakota have the highest proportion of Scandinavians in the USA, with Norwegian immigration reaching its peak at the end of the 19th century. Historically, the majority of Norwegian Americans live in the upper Midwest, especially in Minnesota, western Wisconsin, northern Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota.

People who aren't familiar with MN may have the notion that the Academy-Award−winning film 'Fargo' is an accurate depiction of MN, and to be honest, they aren't missing the mark by much, albeit the film was a purposely condensed and exaggerated version of MN culture. 'Fargo' was written, produced, and directed by brothers Joel and Ethan Coen, natives of Saint Louis Park, MN, a first-ring suburb of Minneapolis.

Minnesota consistently ranks in the top three to five coldest of the United States. Minnesota gets so exceptionally cold in winter that it often places just behind Alaska, with the lowest air temperature (which excludes the windchill) recorded in Minnesota of −51 °C in 1996. The winter (approximately half the year) does mean that Saint Paul is able to host the annual winter carnival a tradition dating to 1886. Ice sculptures a most ;)

Saint Paul is also the birthplace of cartoonist Charles M. Schulz ('Peanuts'), who lived in Merriam Park until 1960. Schulz's cartoon inspired giant decorated Peanuts sculptures around the city in the late 1990s.

Yours truly is an alumna of Saint Paul's Hamline University, MN's first private, liberal-arts university, founded in 1854. I graduated cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa in 1989 with a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) degree in English, with an emphasis in creative writing, and minor degrees in anthropology and Spanish. Needless to say, I've made a fortune hand-over-fist with such a practical background!

*With that Trish calmly smiles to camera as she subtly slides her mobile phone back into her pocket, and sighs just under her breath 'thanks google'. Then she turns to Boff and says, "now tell me about Wimbledon?" To which Boff shrugs and says it's got a park, a crap football team and Wombles. Oh and it's not London! which makes them both laugh. Right then, time for the probing to begin *oooh lucky me, chuckles Trish*, I know you're a free spirit, happy in your own skin and comfortable with the world, but you've had quite the rollercoaster to get here, so, lets start at the beginning. You're one of eight children. So I wanted to ask what that was like growing up? were you more Waltons, Brady bunch or Adams family?

Yes, as you mentioned, I'm one of eight siblings (four boys and four girls) all born within a span of 10 years. I'm the sixth child, so I have five older siblings, and two younger ones. Frankly, my family isn't comparable to any of your suggested clans. Rather, I consider my entire life—from the time I became a freshly cognizant being to this day—a version of Edward Albee's seminal play 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?,' albeit with additional out-of-control, out-of-their-minds cast members and much more abusive behavior. I abhorred the chaos, cacophony, competition, contempt, and cruelty on which the rest of my siblings thrived, and still do. Around the age of four, I made the conscious decision that I was NEVER going to get married nor have kids, thus I'm single and childless, with absofuckinglutely no regrets.

Boff nods, I see, well if you ever get bored I have a house full of small hairy folks who would love to monopolise your time in various ways. What's your opinion on drum and bass? actually forget that; it's not a real question. Lets stick with the topic of family, what about your school days, I know you said that the eight of you fit within 10 years, did you all go to the same school? and how did you get on with your teachers?

During my 'formative years,' my family lived in a small, rural town. It was only when I turned 18 that I moved to 'the big city' to attend university, and I've never looked back. Because my childhood hometown supported only one primary school (kindergarten through sixth grade) and one high school (seventh through twelfth grades), all of my siblings did attend the same schools. When I attended kindergarten, my oldest sibling was in the sixth grade; and when my youngest sibling entered kindergarten, I was in the fourth grade. There was a lot of overlap in school attendance, and in some cases in high school, I actually was in the some of the same classes as my year-older sister. It was hell. It was nigh-on impossible to carve out space for myself at home, and the complication of spending school days brushing elbows with my siblings made the situation all the more untenable.

I was a diligent student who earned top grades in every subject, so my teachers thought I was 'a great kid.' However, my unhappy home life caused a schism in my personality, wherein the good girl next door increasingly frequently went on benders where she became the bad girl from the other side of the tracks.

Agreed, it is important to be independent and have your own identity, I remember when Bertie Phelps was daring all the boys to do home-made tattoos with a bottle of quink and a compass, I'm no sheep I can tell you. That and the compass would have probably hurt, so tell us more about how you managed to carve out your own place in the world?

There was a period during my 30s and 40s when I had to go into self-preservation mode by estranging myself from my siblings for 15 years. They're emotionally draining, and I have a form of PTSD as a result of my year-older sister physically, psychologically, and verbally abusing me from earliest memory to present day. Not until my parents died did I tell a select few that she was terrorizing me for two main reasons: first, no one would've believed me, and second, my sister threatened to kill me if I said anything about the abuse. I finally realized that reacting the way my siblings expected was exactly what they wanted. I learned to rise above their negative, scapegoating, hurtful tactics, and my behavior confounded them nearly to the point of apoplexy. People don't like it when you refuse to bend to their will or stoop to their level.

Vis-à-vis the second part of your question, I wasn't one or the other. In other words, I simultaneously was a wild teen AND the sensible, pulled-together type. I was performing a high-wire balancing act without a net.

It sounds like you've been through real cocktail of emotions and whirlwind of life, I must admit you're far more settled and stoic than I think I would be. Then, I'm sure you're well aware we all have our little quirks, Boff included (refers to self in third person ala Zlatan Ibrahimovic) and when we were talking before I know you said you suffer with cricopharnyngeal achalasia, so perhaps two questions and then we can move on, firstly can you explain to us what it is?

It really doesn't matter whether one fully comprehends the following discourse about CPA, but suffice it to say that this disease is the reason I'm 5'4" and 82 pounds. Swallowing is a complex function that affects the physical and mental health of all human beings. The mechanism of swallowing is a coordinated operation of the mouth; pharynx; and esophagus. Human beings swallow an average of 600 times per day. Under normal circumstances, swallowing is performed without thought or effort. Only the oral phase requires conscious effort.

Once the mass of a substance (including but not limited to food, liquid (including saliva), and pills) is swallowed, passing into the pharynx, involuntary reflexes serve to successfully pass it to the stomach. Dysphagia (from the Greek, translated as "difficulty swallowing") refers to two related, but distinct, clinical problems. In some circumstances, it refers to a patient's awareness of impaired transit of swallowed oral contents. In other situations, it refers more generally to any swallowing disorder. Disorders of swallowing may result from problems with neural control, muscular coordination, inflammation, or the formation or presence of an abnormal growth of tissue (neoplasia).

CPA is a type of dysphagia in which functional obstruction at the level of the upper esophageal sphincter (UES) is due to failure of relaxation (spasming) of the UES (aka cricopharyngeus muscle). The UES is located at the lower level of the larynx (voice box). This muscle is always contracted except at the moment of swallowing, when it relaxes briefly to let food or liquid pass through. The cause of CPA is usually idiopathic (unknown), as it is my case. Typically, individuals with CPA first notice that pills or solid food begin to lodge at the level of the lower part of the larynx. The problem tends to progress inexorably as the years pass. CPA never fully resolves. 

However, I'm extremely fortunate to have a truly amazing nurse practitioner/therapist who prescribed the right medication (clonazepam; trade name Klonopin) for me after my so-called GI specialists abandoned me after my diagnosis. In regard to my condition, clonazepam acts as a muscle relaxant and allows me to lead a relatively CPA-symptomless life. A lasting effect, though, is that CPA affects one's entire GI system, and try as I might, I can't regain the weight (about 30 pounds) I lost during the diagnostic process. A surgical procedure (cricopharyngeal myotomy), performed through the mouth with a laser or, only occasionally, through a neck incision, may be an option, but the efficacy of such a procedure is minimal, and the benefits of the surgery generally last a mere two to three years, after which the surgical patient's CPA symptoms fully return, often to a greater degree than presurgery

Good gracious, it sounds like a constant battle my love, and do you think coping with it was been a part of helping you find your own two feet in the world and being self sufficient?

In a way, I do think it has done so. I spent an inordinate amount of time online trying to self-diagnose my condition. However, it wasn't long before I was sure I hit upon the disease that was causing my symptoms. Frustratingly, my so-called GI specialist wouldn't listen to me when I told her I had CPA, and she refused to perform the gold-standard test to diagnose CPA until she ruled out other conditions that had no bearing on the symptoms with which I was presenting. The unnecessarily protracted diagnostic process ultimately made me an extraordinary and articulate advocate for myself.

Unfortunately my lovely I think that seems to be the way with so many things these days. But then my good old nan always said something worthwhile is worth the fight. So, talking of independence, you're your own business woman, how has it been in terms of working from home and being the master of your own destiny?

I'm in a fortunate position in that I'm financially independent, so I needn't work at all. However, I cherry-pick jobs to prevent myself from atrophying. In particular, the writing, editing, and proofreading I do keeps my mind agile, and because a lot of the work I do is for friends, I'm providing a service (pro bono, of course) that they otherwise wouldn't be able to afford or have the wherewithal to find a resource such as myself to help them.

The house- and pet-sitting part of my business came about in a very straightforward manner: I simply adore animals of every species. Animals are exceedingly intuitive, so they sense that I'm an unconditionally loving person, someone on which they can rely and trust. The truth is that I'd rather spend time with animals than with most humans.

The 'problem-solving' aspect of my venture veritably speaks for itself. However, lately I've been accused of being a source of problems rather than a solution. I shan't elaborate in order to protect the innocent, which in this case, is me.

Well, I'm glad you're fighting the good fight and helping others along the way. So, perhaps now a change of direction, something more mellow, what about music?, I know you're a big fan of Cat Stevens, what is it you love about him?

When I was four years old, my mom brought home Cat Stevens' LP Teaser and the Firecat, which was released in 1971, and in my opinion, is one of the best records ever produced. I listened to that album at least once a day henceforth, until it literally wore out from overuse during my final years of high school. Cat's always been my idol, and I consider him the greatest living singer / songwriter / musician / humanitarian / philanthropist. He's a beautiful person in every sense.

hahahah indeed, I can just imagine you in your office listening to him while beevering away at work and how does a busy business woman like yourself find time for ...ahem... men. More's to the point, what do you make of the other half of the species?

I lived with a guy for eleven years, but I booted his ass to the curb in 2002, having had about ten-and-a-half years more than my fill of a toxic relationship. I'm currently seeing someone, although he's "unavailable" for various reasons, which suits me just fine because I like feeling unfettered, and I'm one of those "odd" individuals who craves solitude.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm an incurably shameless flirt. I'm definitely not the type of person who requires validation from others to boost my self-esteem or gauge my self-worth, but I do enjoy titillating, straightforward, salty conversation and the potential acts that could ensue as a result of the former.

Well if it's salty you wanted, you came to right place, I'm well aquainted with innuendo you know, hard to believe I know, but true. I also know you're close to your adopted sister, so I wanted to ask whether you had any good tales of things the two of you got up to together?

Around 1990, when my mom was working as a community health nurse on a reservation in Shanto, Arizona, my mom "unofficially" adopted my Navajo sister, Shelley, who at age twelve, had been locked out of her family's house because she finally summoned the courage to tell her biological mother that her aunt's boyfriend has been sexually abusing her for years. Shelley lived across the road from my mom, and pretty much right then and there, Shelley became an integral part of our family. She's the most beautiful person inside and out, and she means so much more to me than any of my three biological psychopathic sisters ever has.

Unfortunately, Shel, husband Tim, and kids Alexandria (18), Ethan (16), and Timara (12) live in Spokane, Washington, and I'm in St. Paul, Minnesota, so I don't get to see them often. We write and call as frequently as possible, though. Because I seldom see Shelley in person, and we weren't afforded the opportunity of growing up together, as I'm about 15 years her senior, I don't have any anecdotes of our shenanigans. However, if it suits your needs, Boff, feel free to imagine that we had sleepovers at which babydoll pajamas were donned and giggly pillow fights occurred.

hahahah oh you are a scamp, now then you also had a special relationship with your mum, your namesake, what's your happiest memory of your mum?

I'm a lot like my mom, who passed away in May 2013, in that injustice and bull-headed ignorance really get my blood racing. My mom must've seen something in me when I was born that reminded me of her, other than the fact that I looked the most like her amongst her children, because it wasn't until I, her third daughter, came into the world before she named one of us after her. Her name was Patsy, but she preferred to be called Pat, so she named me Patricia, and gave me the nickname Trish, so people wouldn't call me Pat as well, which could've caused some confusion. She also called me 'Babe.'

As a sidebar, my dad died in June 2015 after being ill for a very long time. Of course his death saddens me, however, he was an abusive, alcoholic, absentee father-figure, rather than a real flesh-and-blood dad, so my mom basically raised eight kids on her own ... nine kids, really, if you take into account the fact that my dad was a selfish man-child who made all our lives more difficult, especially that of my mom.
It's difficult to pinpoint just one happy memory of my mom. She was the most amazing person, the have-it-all woman before such a concept entered the collective social conscience. In addition to raising eight children, she worked full-time as a registered nurse, then earned her master's degree in nursing instruction when her offspring ranged in age from primary school to neonate. When it came to choosing the different types of work she did, she inevitably followed her heart and went where she felt she could make the most impact on others' lives, not to be a Good Samaritan, but simply to make a difference in the world by being present for one person at a time. All the individuals with whom she crossed paths were not likely to forget her, nor she them.

N'awww she sounds like she was a lovely lady, I can see where you get it from now, well with that our interview is almost at a close, and we'll be thrust back out into the night. so perhaps then as a closing question I wanted to ask you what you enjoy about the solitude of the night?

The relative anonymity provided by the dark combined with feeling like you're part of something bigger than yourself, namely the entire universe.

and with that the interview is at a close, they pay the cheque and then Boff and Trish link arms and head off out into the night to see what mischief can be found.