Today's guest is a former Essex girl now settled in Dorsetshire, general coffee monster, mischief maker and plus-sized hand model. We'll be finding out in a little bit exactly what one of those is, but I'm sure you'll agree it sounds interesting. Today's guest is none other than our darling sweetheart Lady Anne (@SensualMuppet). Anne leans foward and waves to camera with a kitkat before relaxing back on the bench. At that, she gives Boff a nudge with her elbow, and nods at the shop in front of them, "what do you think Boff?". The shop in front of them is a well known 'adult' goods shop, with the same first name as today's guest. *Boff turns bright red* "oh no, I simply couldn't, the Wombles pushed me in there once and I've never lived it down" he says. "Oh come on Boff, it'll be fun, where's your sense of daring!"
At that, Anne gets up and grabs Boff's hand dragging him into the shop and almost head first into mannequin wearing stockings and suspenders. "Whoops, sorry Boff, are you okay?" Asks Anne, guiding him away from the underwear model and on to the relative safety of an aisle stacked with dildos in every possible conceivable colour and size. "Right, ahem" says Boff trying to ignore the paraphenalia and be brave, "questions! so many questions". I wanted to start with an easy one to help my readers get to know the real you a little bit, so I wanted to ask is it true you can take the girl out of Essex, but not the Essex out of the girl?
Damn straight! I’m proud of my Essex heritage, frankly there is more to us Essex Birds than Escorts, white stillettos and shagging behind the bins of the local boozer *grins* ok maybe not that much *bigger grin* I do hate that bloody TOWIE though we aren’t all spray tanned blonde bimbos that say “Basically” every other sentence but I do have my white bits *winks* There are 2 types of people, Essex people and Wannabe Essex people.
"hahahah indeed, they are a most unusual shade of orange don't you agree?" says Boff as Anne hands him a huge pink vibrator, "I mean honestly, I like the colour, but look at it Boff, it's ridiculous, who could be pleased to be confronted with that?" Boff just stands trembling, "shall I put it back? or are you going to keep hold of it?" says Anne as she gently prizes Boff's vice like grip, "Bless you; you are a bit shell-shocked aren't you, come on lets go and look at the bondage stuff down the back, that's probably less distressing for you..." *Boff shakes his head, coming to his senses* ahem yes, I also wanted to ask how you're getting on in Dorsetshire, is it much different to the home you grew up in and know so well? what do you love about Dorset?
I’ve lived here 20 years now, I do like Dorset its very pretty. There are a lot of Londoners here but I’ve yet to meet a fellow Essexian or Essexiest or whatever you call them…. There is a lot a lot a lot of REALLY OLD people…. It’s very different from Essex, we are a friendly breed and even though it’s a huge county theres an unspoken law that anywhere above Chelmsford is essentially fake Essex – thanks for the zoo though, Colchester.
Hahaha I see... *Anne picks up a leather paddle and starts patting it on her bottom* hmmm, it's okay, I suppose... come on Boff, you must have some tougher questions for me? probe away man! probe! I'm not sure 'probe' is a good turn of phrase considering where we are but yes, so lets get to a more in depth question. Perhaps starting with what exactly is a plus-sized hand model and how exactly did you become one?
It’s the same as a regular hand model, except I wear bigger knickers…. *spots chocolate willies* oooooooh, look Boff, 75% cocoa solids. I do think it's important to have at least 75% of solids in a willy, otherwise it's a bit of a disappointment. I'm not judging though, I just like the taste of proper chocolate.
*Boff almost chokes on his own beard* "are you okay darling, go easy, I can't carry you out of here" says Anne, before spotting something else she likes the look of, "I see" says Boff *Anne has now ducked down to something on the bottom shelf of the aisle and disappears from view*, Boff peering over the top of the aisle to see what she's looking at continues to ask and have you found your identical hand-twin yet?
Not yet….*looks at hands* I don’t think anyone could twin what these hands can do, and I suspect some of it is immoral or illegal :-D, but still perfectly lovely, a bit like Mr Kippling's cakes in that respect, except these are hands not cakes. "Do you have a beard twin Boff?" says Anne, I bet there must be one out there somewhere...
We aren’t old school friends, but we have known each other since our youngest kids started school so that’s about…*counts on fingers* about 8 years now. She’s a darling, bit crazy bonkers but a darling…she’s been a big support and a good friend, I’ve been a right ratbag to her sometimes but she always sticks by me. We do have some right belly laugh times…she does say she doesn’t laugh with anyone else the way she does with me. She’s a bloody nightmare when she is a passenger in your car, she will beep your horn and pretend it’s you and bark out the window at people….I love her to bits though. BTW that rumour about us being lesbians is NOT true…..or is it…*jingles handcuffs*
"No really", says Boff, "I can't do hand-cuffs, I have chubby wrists, look" *waves wrists about* "N'awwww, spoilsport" says Anne, before adding "ooooh this is nice", holding up a red corset, "can I try this on she calls to the attendant", before disappearing into a changing room with saloon doors. "keep going Boff, I won't be a minute, and I can still hear you in here", she says as she starts rustling around. Right, and Sandy is as mischievous as you, do you have any good stories you could share with us about scrapes you two have gotten into along the way?
Ooooh lots…she got me so drunk one night…adding vodka to my drink when I left the room, the biatch, and then making me wear a wonderwoman outfit at a new years party….
*A bra comes flying over the top of the saloon doors*, "Be a love and grab that for me please Boff" she calls as she continues wrestling with the corset. Okay, seeing as we're in a sex shop, perhaps a different kind of question. Given that the media is obsessed with the female form, and that most advertising these days from washing up liquid to cars is sexualised with scantily clad women, the male form is somewhat in decline. So I wanted to ask what do women really think about the male... ahem...body...
Well lets just say that one of the most surprising thing about willies is their ability to transform in size so dramatically. It’s so… purple! Yeah, yeah, we get it – it’s the blood flowing to your willy which makes it hard. But really, it’s just so *dark* It reminds us of other things too.. Gonzo’s nose, a Smurf house, mushrooms, aubergines. Hours of fun.
*more rustling continues, with the saloon doors almost bursting open at one point*, "This corset is a bugger to get on" Anne calls out, "hold on" *Boff is tempted to offer some assistance and then remembers Anne still has the handcuffs* ...and if you could change one thing about the anatomical design of the male body, what would you change and why?
Make semen taste better…like chocolate, strawberry, vodka… ya know. *adjusts knicker elastic* bit more girth…less hairy, the ability to see dirty dishes…to not spend 2 hours in the bog having a dump, I mean come on we’re not that different!
"Oh good grief, and now we're back to the Cocoa solids!" calls Boff
*Anne comes out of stall, almost overspilling from the corset* "Ta-dah!" she calls "I can tell by the way your eyes are almost on stalks that this is a keeper" she laughs, " Right I'll get changed back then lets get out of here", *Anne retrieves her under-garments from Boff and disappears back into the changing room*
Perhaps moving away from the anatomical, what do you think are the main differences between men and women? and have you developed any good strategies for handling men and their delicate male egos?
Strategies? We are different…we can multi task…we have a better memory…and no I’ve given up salving the male ego…done that been there got the t-shirt the divorce papers the dog the house and the kids and the broken heart (numerous times). I could tell you many stories about that Boff. I still like boys though, you're fiendishly addictive!
Frankly I think my eldest daughter is more mature in that way than me…she’s in a great relationship with a lovely fella I’m sure if anything she should be giving me advice lol…I make men run for the hills…can't think why.. *jiggles handcuffs again*
If I’ve learnt anything I’ve learnt to be myself and not what someone else wants me to be. I think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my time on this tiny planet so who am I to give advice…
*Anne arrives at the till with a penis shaped candle*, *Boff goes an even deeper shade of red*, "What? I couldn't let you go without getting a present for your little Wimbledon friends could I? "I'm sure that Bungo will love it" replies Boff, now also laughing.
Well our interview is almost at an end, so perhaps time for one more quick question before we wrap up, then I suggest we find a bar and I get a stiff drink. ahem. So then, if you were marooned on an island with Bear Grylls, what three items would you have with you to help your survival and why?
Who’s Bear Grylls? Is he in Emmerdale? *Wry smile and wink*
...and with that our interview is at an end, and Anne is going to treat Boff to a 'stiff' drink for being such a good sport and braving another trip around Anne Summers!
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