Sitting opposite Boff holding a glass of brandy is today's guest, flanked either side by his female honour guard. Two deadly but beautiful ladies, with legs so smooth and so long they seem to go on forever, and a machine gun resting in their laps. "Hail Fellows!" Calls Boff, taking another sip of his malibu and coke, welcome to yet another Moatman Interview coming to you today live and direct from the state vehicle of a modern day leader, some say rules with an iron fist, and others say is a gentle pussy cat, depending on what mood he's in. I can tell you I won't be trying my luck either way.
Indeed, today's Moatman guest is the very distinguish principal protagonist of Uganda, yes, today I'm interviewing @ImcousinRalph. Ralph nods in the direction of the guard to his left, who shells a cashew nut, before popping it in Ralph's mouth. "It's so difficult to get good cashews" says Ralph, "But I have them imported directly, you can't mess with these things Mr Boff" He continues, before opening a small box and offering Boff a large cuban cigar to go with his drink. "oooh thank you" says Boff, I don't actually smoke, but cigars are different aren't they; they don't count as real smoking. So then I've received confirmation from your press office that they've reviewed my questions and circled the ones I'm allowed to use, so perhaps we should crack on then, perhaps we could begin by asking about your rise to power and how you came to find yourself leader? can you tell us about that?
My rise to power was purely accidental. Mostly due to many of my opponents having unfortunate accidents, and I can tell you, I have such fond memories of those “accidents”.
*laughs loudly*
Don’t forget to laugh at my jokes Mr Boff. *Boff looks nervous, before letting out a loud laugh that lasts ever so slightly too long* Apart from that, I’m a born leader and my people love me. Some say it was my destiny, especially Alex Salmond, he sends me a bottle of scotch every St Andrew’s day without fail. I’m king of Scotland you know. But it hasn’t gone to my head.
Ahhhh, that explains the haggis I found in the glove box. *Ralph stares at Boff* "that is not haggis", ohh I see....errr.... so anyway, as a young boy, did you always harbour ambitions of one day leading this great nation?
As a boy, I wanted to join the Ugandan army, until one fateful day when I witnessed my first accident. I kicked a football in to our family pond and ordered the gardener to retrieve it. Watching the crocodiles attack and eat him was my eureka moment, for I knew then, that I was destined to be a great leader.
So, you could say that my gardener sacrificed himself so that I could fulfil my destiny as leader. I still joined the army of course, and it was this that propelled me to the presidency. I didn’t get all these medals out of a Christmas cracker you know.
They are very very shiny I must admit, and what kind of leader are you? a kind and fair man, or a ruthless tyrant, hell bent on glory, and a spot of Netflix and Chill?
Ruthless tyrant? Oh please Mr Boff.. *looks out of window*
Would a ruthless tyrant allow you to sit in a luxury car sipping Malibu and coke?
Of course, there is no denying that I am the greatest leader the world has ever seen. My people love me, they shower me with gifts on my official birthday. I’m admired for my kindness and my, ermm, modesty, etcetera etcetera, as the king of Siam would say *smiles* Some say the Dalai Lama is a tyrant. He forces his followers to wear those ridiculous saffron robes while ordering them not to step on ants. That’s bullshit in anyone’s book.
Hmmm, global politics. This is a subject close to my heart. World domination is so last year. But!... But, *waves finger* African politics, well that’s another matter. The whole of Africa looks to Uganda, and to me for leadership. (In admiration of course) The other leaders, they’re such amateurs. Mugabe, for example, always sleeping on duty. Has he been bitten by a tsetse fly?
*exchanges smiles with female body guards*
As for the international stage, I have ordered a remake of that awful work of fiction, Raid on Entebbe. Have you ever seen that movie? A joke, yes? Mark my words, Uganda will one day be famous for exporting luxury flip flops to Israel.
hahahah, that sounds like a shrewd goal, the world needs more flip flops, and what do you make of your other fellow leaders? what about the major players, like Obama, Putin, Jinping, Cameron, Merkel et al?
It makes my blood boil that the American people elected a Kenyan as president. A Kenyan? Why not a Ugandan?
If it walks like a lame duck and quacks like a lame duck, it’s a lame duck right?
But Putin, you have to admire him, now there’s a man who knows how to deal with trouble makers. Polonium 210, wow! And who else wrestles a bear before breakfast? As for Cameron and Merkel, well, we all know who is wearing the gimp suit in that relationship.
*laughs loudly*
Laugh Mr Boff. *Boff laughs loudly*
Anyway, how many of these so called world leaders have sexy body guards with golden machine pistols? None Mr Boff. None!
Yes, I offered Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a go in my “jacuzzi” well, until I saw her close up. No wonder her country’s in such a mess. Do you know she has a tattoo of some south Atlantic islands on her bottom? One of my henchmen saw it while he was giving her a cavity search. Oh boy what a cavity! Anyway, I sent her packing with a crocodile handbag and trowel for her makeup. I’m generous like that. Mind you, she would have taken it anyway.
I'm glad to see Ugandan ~ Argentine relationships are on such a positive level, that's reassuring, and in terms of national politics, Uganda does have a bit of a problem with over administration, with one administrative leader per 6 Ugandans, compared to one doctor per 300 Ugandans, will you be cutting through the red tape? How's cousin Bootsie by the way?
I don’t see over administration as a problem. With a high staff turnover, it makes sense to have people on standby, ready to fill the gaps when someone fails, Ermm has an unfortunate accident. And the higher your office, the higher you fall as I like to say. As for doctors, I have personally launched a system based on your 111 telephone service. When I say based on, I mean all calls are connected to your lovely operators thus saving my country a small fortune in medical bills.
That is both ingenius and incredibly devious, I am quite in awe of you. Now of cause I know all these different issues must take their toll, so I wanted to ask how do you relax after a day's work?
As for relaxation, I love to sit and watch my pet sharks, especially at feeding time.
Do you like James Bond Mr Boff? I like watching Bond movies. In fact that was the inspiration for my shark tank which sits directly under my cabinet meeting room. There’s a button fitted to my desk that when pressed, flips one of the chairs backwards dispensing its occupant directly in to the shark tank.*roars with laughter* Who needs discovery channel?
hahahah I'm starting to think your life is essentially the movie 'let and live die', except it's Mr Bond that dies at the end instead of Yaphet Kotto. *Ralph eyes Boff keenly* before explaining that actually his life is more like a cross between 'the King of Scotland' meets 'Boogie Nights' only with more gold and presidential meetings.
I see and do you enjoy attending the national sporting events? do you have any that are particularly close to your heart?
Ugandans are renowned for their sportsmanship and I love to attend national events. I always get the best seat in the stadium you know. I particularly like watching Rugby. Where else can you watch people getting beaten to a pulp? Apart from interrogation of course.
Then there’s beach volleyball and mud wrestling. Thunderpussy here *Ralph points to the bodyguard on his left* is three times champion and my Personal bodyguard. She’s particularly close to my heart Mr Boff. Do you know she can open a Coca-Cola bottle without using her hands or feet?
*Boff just sits agog for a moment* I see, now, it says here, I'm not allowed to ask this one, but I can't do an interview without asking, what's going on with this money transfer union business? and has the issue of this nine million Ugandan dollars been resolved yet?
Ask not what nine million Ugandan dollars can do for you. Ask what you can do for nine million Ugandan dollars, as my friend Mr Kennedy once said before his terrible limousine accident. Besides Mr Boff, what is a bag full of cash between friends? An investment, that’s what it is. Know what Amin. Get it? Amin?
As far as I’m concerned, there are lots of investments pouring in to my country. All financial business is legitimate and above board. In fact, my accountants are changed regularly for security reasons, so I have personally eradicated corruption.
Well, I'm glad that we sorted that little issue out then, and what about your future, are you busy working on producing a son and heir to take on the mantle when you come ready to retire? or are you planning to keep your grasp on control for as long as possible?
As for producing an heir, practice makes perfect as they say. But, seriously, my eldest son is in the army and has ten medals already, and a hit with the ladies apparently. A chip off the old block as you say in England.
So the future is rosy then, excellent! well our interview is almost at a close, so just time for one more quick question. Is it true you've been asked to be a judge on the national TV show Uganda's got talent? and if so what kind of acts will you be looking out for this year?
Yes it’s true that I’ve been asked to be a (the) judge on Uganda’s got talent. After all, it was my brilliant idea in the first place. But I’m a busy man Mr Boff. A role better suited to my glamorous bodyguards wouldn’t you agree?
Besides, I’m working on another far more impressive project. I’m a political prisoner get me out of here. There’s a twist Mr Boff, no one actually makes it to freedom.
*roars with laughter*
Anyway, I’m late for a medal presentation so this concludes the interview. Miss Totty will drive you back to the airport. Oh, and keep the cigar as a souvenir Mr Boff. Fidel Castro rolled that one himself. Send my regards to your Queen, the corgi was delicious!
and with that Ralph and Miss Thunderpussy exit the limo to bright flashes of cameras and cheers of excited people. The car door slams, leaving Boff sat sitting nervously opposite a beautiful young guard with a machine gun in her lap pointing at Boff. "Well, thank you for joining us, provided I don't have an accident on the way back to the airport I'll see you again next week".
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