Hello dear hearts! Today we're broadcasting from a very special venue, and I can tell you we had to pull some very well connected strings to get in here (the Wombles still have some Blue Peter connections at the Beeb). We also had to promise to leave the place as we found it and be out before 2pm. Anyway I digress, I'm here with a very aromatic guest for a special one off cookery edition of the Moatman Interviews, featuring Lord Pyssemolde himself, or as he's known to his friends Dirty Sid.
Now Sid, I believe we're going to show our audience how to cook a delightful two course meal featuring:
i An Offal Kedgeree, with Stinking Bishop and Ass Reaper Sauce, followed by
ii A viciously laxative Prawn Phaal, with Psycho Juice and tripe slices.
So if we refer to your carrier bag perhaps we can begin, now I know you take your cookery seriously, I wanted to ask firstly what kind of preparations do you take before cooking a meal?
Indeed there is I'm very much of the Floydian School, I find a pint of absinthe by far the best medium for the chef. As for the ingredients, any meat, fish or offal must be as rancorous as possible, and marinated in Psycho Pickle juice for a minimum of 36 hours in an overly warm room.
Trust me dear viewers, the ingredients today are particularly aromatic, which explains why the Wombles are no where to be seen, with their keen sense of smell, the aromatic juices in Sid's Kedgeree would blow their heads off. I see, and we're beginning with offal kedgeree, I wanted to ask do you source your ingredients locally? and what's your opinion of the big supermarkets?
As Lord of The Manor, we have a Delicatessen on the estate, selling all manner of upmarket products - but the damned philistines wont stock my tripe and chilli sausages, or Mushy Sprouts. I usually send Aunt Sebag down to pick up our weekly order, the staff always seem so fearful of entering Pyssemolde Abbey themselves, and the manager is very much opposed to my furtive naturism.... Hehehe
Supermarkets are the bane of my life. Quite why they all object to a Peer of The Realm fondling their products, whilst relieving a little trapped flatulence, is beyond me. Of course, having a psychotically violent Aunt in tow is something of a handicap, and the same could be said of Uncle Madeline's suffrage protests - chaining himself to a train of Waitrose trolleys didn't win any friends.... Hehehe
Indeed, and you're not a fan of TV dinners I understand, what is it exactly about home prepared cooking that makes it taste so much better than processed foods?
Other than the amazing products of Dr Burnorium - he of the marvellously volatile Psycho Products, I've yet to find any processed foods which move me sufficiently about the antipodes, or cause others to sprint so furiously in the opposite direction. I find chemicals no substitute for nature. No one needs damned preservatives, we British fought the crusades, and founded an Empire, on rancorous meats and semi-permanent diarrhoea. Its what Vindaloos and Phaal are made for.... Hehehe
Indeed I can, its absolutely vital to keep the bowels moving. Not just once a day, but a thunderous, buttock rippling, trouser tearing, rapture that runs (quite literally) from one mealtime to the next. I'm also a fervent advocate of pickles, whelks and eels as snacks between one's 7 meals a day, and a night should always be rounded off with a bar of Ex Lax, the insertion of a suppository, and a sleeping draft.... The chance effect always makes for interesting sleep patterns, and novel wall decorations..... Many a morning I've awoken to find my underpants welded to the tapestries..... Hehehe
I see, this offal is quite squidgy Sid, do you have any special techniques to get the right consistency before you add the Ass Reaper Sauce.
Indeed, its squidginess is in direct proportion to its grade of rancidity.... Hehehe.
For this reason, I always ensure I have a stock of marinating meat, prawns and offal. I have a quantity of vintage offal which Great Uncle Julius began preparing in 1966, its now a particularly heady vintage, most reminiscent of old Julius himself.... and he's been dead since 1976. We had him stuffed and mounted in the West Wing, well it was west until Aunt Sebag reoriented the Abbey, whilst I was in America last autumn. Its most disconcerting, arriving home to find ones West Wing is now facing South, whilst the northern (sinister) facade looks east toward Boston.... And the south facade has disappeared entirely..... Hehehe
For this reason, I always ensure I have a stock of marinating meat, prawns and offal. I have a quantity of vintage offal which Great Uncle Julius began preparing in 1966, its now a particularly heady vintage, most reminiscent of old Julius himself.... and he's been dead since 1976. We had him stuffed and mounted in the West Wing, well it was west until Aunt Sebag reoriented the Abbey, whilst I was in America last autumn. Its most disconcerting, arriving home to find ones West Wing is now facing South, whilst the northern (sinister) facade looks east toward Boston.... And the south facade has disappeared entirely..... Hehehe
Indeed, if you're following along at home you'll notice that we're preparing today's dishes without the use of a conventional oven. Mainly because they won't let us use the ovens here, but in this case Sid has his own method for heating the food. Sid, can you tell us a little bit more about how we are going to be cooking today's dishes without the use of a standard oven?
Certainly. Thanks to the damned Fire Brigade, and that HSE wallah over there (shakes fists, and throws a whole Stinking Bishop at a hi-viz clad, nervous looking, council official), we will be using a pair of my pre-worn leather jeans. They still retain much of last night's dinner.... it makes a remarkable Dutch oven, and adds a distinct piquancy to ones dinner.... Hehehe
...and of cause this dish is quite spicy, do you have any special tips for how are readers can prepare for the day after effects?
Well, I'm a firm advocate of free defecation, much like William Blake (though I rarely sit in trees expelling anything on passers by) But, doorsteps, letterboxes, chimneys, white BMWs. WI members, Jehovah's Witnesses.... all are fair game. Of course, if you're one of these damned soft city types, who feels compelled to use a bathroom, I'd advise putting a roll of Andrex in the chiller, and packing the privy seat with ice..... Hehehe
Now, I note that your second dish includes tripe. I know a lot of our readers will be less familiar with this meat product, but it's a focus of many of your dishes. What do you think it is that makes tripe so versatile?
Tripe is a wondrous substance in taste, texture and aromatics. And quite usefully, even when fresh from animal gives off a distinctively rancid aroma. I can't stress its versatility strongly enough, and of course if one serves a surfeit of honeycomb tripe, the leftovers can be used to mop up the excess spillages and vomit that true Pyssemoldean Cuisine generates.... Hehehe
Indeed so.... And prawns are really quite vile creatures, they'll hoover up anything. Their intestines are packed with all manner of interesting products that add to a curry's spiciness and texture. Its also the case that Aunt Sebag, who has remarkable hearing for a 70 yr old heavy metal loving bike, likes to hear them scream, and writhe agonisingly, as the intense heat and chilli oils overcome them
...I do also note that your cookery style is very Jackie Chan, where did you learn to cook? and who are your cooking heroes?
Well, Vlad the Impaler has always been a hero of mine. But its Keith Floyd and Viv Stanshall who were my greatest inspirations. Whilst Floyd's talents are widely lauded, its a little known fact that Stanshall was as much of a gourmet as he was insane. His mixed bean salads had to be expelled, through an alpine horn, to be believed. I learned to cook whilst serving as an explosives expert in HM Forces... Hehehe
It still has the laxative qualities of an SS officer with a reel of piano wire though, but it takes around 20 minutes after consumption for the intensity to fully mature..... Hehehe
Perfect, and if you just leave that to stand for about thirty minutes or so the heat should have gone down enough that it won't melt your face off. This prawn phaal is actually one of Sid's signature dishes, so I wanted to ask have you prepared this one for anyone famous?
I have indeed, we Pyssemoldes are noted for our lavish dinner parties. I once cooked Prawn Phaal for George Melly, this was just prior to when he began to bombard readers of his newspaper columns with notes on his uncontrollable bowel movements. This was before he died, obviously.... Hehehe
Well that explains the news reports at the time. Now obviously we are quite pressed for time today so have just focussed on a starter and main, but can you recommend any deserts to complement these dishes?
Well that sounds quite disgusting, I'm sure our guests will love it. So there you have it dear readers, a charming little dish for all the family. Finally, and I'm sure this one we'll all be interested in, are you planning to bring out a cook book so we can all enjoy these delightful dishes for ourselves?
I am indeed I was violently disappointed *shakes fists and riverdances furiously* with that damned literary lie Cooking With Poo, which most certainly fails to live up to its description. So I decided I should redress the balance and produce Pyssemoldes Big Brown Book - I'm hoping to publish it, in scratch'n' sniff format, just in time for the Christmas tripe rush.... Hehehe
...and with that our interview is done, and the meal is ready for it's taste test, as Sid has cooked it and I've already smelt it, we'll leave it to our guest taster Gino from Sheffield to give it a mouthful. Fortunately he's already had a pint of absinthe and is steaming drunk, he has already stripped to his kecks, so should be able to feel it's effects at a safely drunk state... toodle pips viewers.
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