Hello friends! it's me Boff Moatman! I must admit I am filled with trepidation today, the last time I was in someones grotto I got mistaken for a festive deity and spent the entire afternoon having people shoving lists of goods under my nose for their approval. However today's guest has taken much better care of me and I must compliment him on the cheese toast sarnies we had earlier. So, lets begin....
Our guest today is the son of a greengrocer and part-time taxidermist, He grew up in O'Malleys famous 'stuff you and stuff your pets' emporium surrounded by dead parrots and men in brown coats. The young Master O'Malley was enthralled to see customer after customer come back to the shop to argue over the critical status of said parrotts at the time of purchase. However as he grew older he became bored with the grocer-taxidermy game and realising that his future was predestined to a life of shoving sand into cat's bottoms he joined a renegade band of badger's and escaped to the urban underground to craft sad ballads about his formative days, ladies and gentlemen I give to you Charlie Badger!
Charlie it's lovely to be here in your grotto today, and we have a lot of ground to cover, so I wanted to begin by asking what was it like growing up in a Grocery/pet-shop/taxidermist?
Hello Boff and welcome to my Grotto. My childhood was confusing. I was bought up in a Veterinary Surgery, since my Dad, strangely enough, was a Vet, but told me it was actually a Taxidermy shop and that's why all the people were coming in with their poorly pets. I realised something was afoot when my family dog Jessica was bought to the surgery and all I got back was a trip to Chessington Zoo and her dog lead. I felt betrayed, but the rides were good.
That's such a sad tale, I remember when the Wombles went to Chessington, to be fair they're all scared of the big rides and much prefer the tea-cups, except Bungo who thinks he's a hard man and likes to show off. I still have the photos of him being sick on the Vampire. I had it framed, it's magical. Anyway, what was it like being on the run with a bunch of badgers? Did you get into any trouble?
We were always in trouble, stealing peanut butter from Londis and Spar, Nipping into 'Our Price' and scratching Johnny Mathis records so the line 'when a child is born' would repeat until the buyer would be sent mad. The badgers and I made it onto a train Devon bound and found our way to Widdecombe on the Moor where we set up the sett and lost ourselves in the thrills and spills of underground life.
Boff knows all about underground dwelling and highly recommends it, although ventilation is important, particularly if you share a room with a flatulent housemate....and is it true that Hannibal Smith from the A-Team tried to recruit you into some kind of badger franchise co-op thing?
Yeah..it was quite tough at first, but as you say, Hannibal did manage to track us down and suggest a plan. As his cigar smoke wafted around the sett, he asked whether we would consider setting up a badger team, a B team, if you will, on the off chance they had forgotten to give Mr.T his sedative and air travel was out of the question. We of course agreed, for a price, and the promise that a piano and all asorted musical instruments would be delivered to our home.
Well that was it. I was shocked. My badger companions had never let on to me that they were indeed so musical. I knew squirrels loved the pan-pipes and otters were nifty on the old flute, but badgers?
Our 1st song was 'Only Love' by Nana Mouskouri which they insisted on playing in the key of B. In fact, every song they played was in the key of B. As a piano player, B is not one of the favourite keys, but never the less, there we were, blasting out Nolan Sisters' medleys and Jethro Tull Folk songs for all the Dartmoor Ponies to enjoy.
As for my influences, well, it's always hard to say. I was brought up on Argentine Tango, Irish, classical, and Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds, and of course anyone who played piano. Billy Joel, Elton John, Richard Clayderman, Les Dawson etc. But having 3 elder sisters meant everything Pop, was also forced into my ears.
*Ahhh the Bay City Rollers* you poor poor man... But indeed you're a multi-instrumentalist yourself, what was the first instrument you learned to play? and was it difficult to teach yourself?
The Piano was my first, I can't remember a time when I didn't play it. I did have lessons for a while aged 7 or 8, but the teacher turned out to be a raving alcoholic who would swear down to his wife during the lesson. I quite enjoyed it, but when I told my Mum, she took me away from him. The next teacher was no better. He spent the time playing me Pink Floyd and Soft Machine albums while combing the tassels around the edge of his rug.
I still can't read music, it's like mini-graffiti to me. I would watch someone play, then try to copy it but soon learnt to play whatever I had just heard on the radio or Stereo, but then at the age of 13/14, my sister gave me the Beatles Red album 1962-66, and my life changed forever
Boff is also a big fan of the Beatles as it goes, Yes, dear friends I love those ones where Ringo sings about Thomas the Tank Engine, and a big yellow submarine.... No, I'm joshing of cause, Infact for the last 40 years I've styled myself on John Lennon from his beardy, rose tinted glasses. Insider exclusive there for you, anyway, back on with the interview, what about the women folk? Are they attracted by your rugged charms and poetic soul? or is it more the cute badger thing that lures them?
Playing an instrument is very very interesting. When it comes to Women and girls, I was always shy and couldn't approach them,which could lead to one feeling ignored or just boring BUT, when I started the playing piano in front of them, my my, how things would change. and when I started writing songs for friends and girls I knew, well, let's just say, strings were plucked and ivories tingled.
It does of course matter WHAT you play, but since I have a Musical memory which includes, and I'm not boasting, thousands of songs, I could feel my way into their ears. As for badger songs, out of the 250 or so songs I've now written, only 4 or 5 are badger related, but nearly all, dedicated to.
My time with the badgers has led me to believe there is indeed much evil in this world when it comes to animal cruelty and abuse. Many badgers would return with tales of woe and such stomach sickening stories, I often despair.
It has also been confirmed to me that humans are indeed split into 'Owls and Larks'. I'm a night time person, always have been. 10pm has always seemed early to me, even as a child, and like the Owls, badgers and bats, I come awake after the blasted Sun has gone down. I've also learned, people like to blame. When their chicken fence is old and decrepit, they blame Foxes. When their cows are sickly, they blame badgers. When the park is full of litter, they blame the Womble strike.
Ah yes, the fateful Womble strike of 1997, the wombles really didn't like Tony Blair, and I would also like to ask you some hat related questions, you do have quite a fine array here in your grotto, do you have a favourite hat? and are there any hats you like to save for special occasions?
Oohh...let me see... My favourite hat has to be the hat I'm current working on...Sorry..Wearing. As for special occasions, I believe every moment IS a special occasion, so No, I don't have one set aside
I see and is it true that you learned your hat tossing skills from taking out rogue hecklers during gigs?
ahh Yes...but I did learn my skills from the badgers. They would often juggle hedgehogs during moonlight parties. The hedgehogs would love it though, it was a bit of a treat for them.
As for the gigs, I would indeed take aim at any heckler that would constantly shout out for ACDC songs, while I was playing the piano.
ACDC and the piano don't really mix. I did find that a decently creased Flat Brim Stetson Sovereign Quality Pinch Crown Fur Felt Fedora Hat would fly through the air and not variate from the target.
My 1st knockout was at the 'BoatRace' venue in Cambridge in 1999. A chap who chanted "Neil Diamond" at me for the first half, suddenly woke up in Adambrookes Hospital.
Hahahaha serves him right! ...and what does the future hold for Charlie Badger? Are you planning any major art heists cunningly staged around a big musical concert in Hyde Park?
I haven't any plans for Hyde Park as yet, but I'm still on the run from the Heist in Paris. While the band were playing a Instrumental section and drum solo, I slid out the back, into the Louvre and ran off with The Mona Lisa' and replaced it with the poster of the Tennis girl with the itchy buttock. A far more interesting picture I believe, and then of course there's the British Museum. While performing on the steps outside, I nipped in, stole the Elgin Marbles and replaced them with an assortment of 1970's Ronco Teasmaids. The public actually preferred them
...and who wouldn't!
Well thank you Boff, glad you liked the cheese toastie and to answer your last question, I suppose I would like to meet, and play with Neil Hannon from the 'Divine Comedy', and Ben Folds from 'The America' 2 songwriters who are a lot like me and my music. Jeff Lynne and Roger Waters I could happily chat with too. Freddie Mercury and Thom Yorke I would happily eat tea and crumpets with
But if I met the chaps from ABBA, I would simply say " You crafty old foxes you', and Beethoven " Pardon? " just to confuse the old Goat. So it leaves me just to say, thank you once again Boff and don't hit your head on your way out.
Some of my music can be found on Youtube in the 'Charlie O'Malley compilation',
Well dear friends, what a fascinating afternoon I've had, I shall bid you a fond farewell now until next time while I see if I can persuade Charlie to play his rendition of 'Do you really want to hurt me' on that ocarina of his.
No comments:
Post a Comment