The Moatman Interviews -S6- No.4 "High society" ft @CountessWessex

The camera opens on a refined stately home, with high picture windows, richly embroidered chairs and a large portrait of the former Count of Essex in the background. Sat at a little round oak table is a well dressed lady in pail blue Georgian dress playing gin rummy with an elderly gentleman in a fine grey morning suit. Every now and again the lady can be seen kicking the gent in the shins to distract him from her fiddling with the cards and taking a little slurp from a glass of gin and tonic sat on a doily next to the main deck. The game of cards is then interrupted by the 'butler' entering the room. The butler, a young, blond man, with a tan and rippling muscles is wearing nothing but a flimsy apron and carrying a silver trail with cake and tea on it. As he bends over to serve, his buttocks are in plain view, the lady pausing to admire them appreciatively and nodding in approval. The butler then places the items on the table and leaves.

Boff waits a full ten seconds before asking "Is that entirely normal", "No" replies the lady, "but I do like it" she then lays her cards on the table "gin!" she cries in a happy voice rocking from side to side at her victory. "shall we have another game, Boff? and do you play for money?" says the lady with a wicked grin. "Ah, dear friends, I fear I've been set up by a card shark" says Boff, "well, here we are in the rather beautiful home of the Countess of Essex, a mother to six wonderful children, who look nothing like their father, an entrepreneur and former glamour model". "Don't forget prize winning pugilist Boff, I showed that Madonna a thing or two" chimes in the Countess. "Indeed, she'll know better than to go rambling on country estates without a chaperone in future" concedes Boff, "You're a wonderful character with an amazing back story, shall we delve?"

*The Countess shuffles the cards, while nodding in the affirmative* Great, so I wanted to begin by asking about your formative years, what were your parents like? and do you have happy memories of your youth?

Both of my parents were American but in 1940 my father was convinced that Hitler had his sights on Lincoln Park, Michigan so to avoid the impending bombing he uprooted the family and moved to the East End of London where my eldest brother was born three months later in an air raid shelter. I was born several years later and have nothing but fond memories of my childhood.

"Ah I see, that may not have been the shrewdest of moves to be fair", notes Boff. The Countess shrugs, placing a new hard of cards on the table. "Daddy did love his air raid shelter so, the war time songs, the poster of 'dig for victory', and underneath it another poster of a blond with pointy bra" says the Countess fondly reminiscing. Indeed and like all young ladies of your breeding, you were soon packed off to boarding school. What kind of experience was that? did you get on with the other girls?

At that stage I wasn’t classed as a ‘lady of breeding’ and attended a regular Secondary Modern School in Dartford, Kent where our family had moved to in the mid 50’s.Sorry Boff, your wicked fantasies of me and Yvonne Browning in the dormitory practicing kissing are just that.

*Boff blushes* Clearly my research team have made a mistake, I do apologise, explains Boff. The Countess simply waves the mistake away with a hand as if no further explanation is needed. *ahem* Indeed and I'm told that you were something of a hell-raiser, do you have any good stories of getting one over on the matrons and head-mistress?

Yes, I suppose you could say I was a bit of a hell raiser. In the dinner hour Sally Grimshaw, Lilly Lovebite and I would slip out of school to sit on the swings in the park and if the all clear was given and we were really up for devilment then sometimes we would go on the slide too.

Goodness!! Then after finishing school, you went out into the big wide world? how did that feel? were you prepared for the world and what plans did you have?

I left school at sixteen and found myself working for a small publishing company in London where they churned out various periodicals but being young and naïve titles like ‘In Your Face’, ‘Lick This’ and ‘Big Boobed Babes in 3D’ meant nothing to me as I was tucked away making tea and cleaning the sofas (which now I come to think of it did require cleaning on quite a regular basis).

*Boff spits tea everywhere*, "Oh good grief man!" Cries The Countess, "a pair of norks is no reason to soil the Axminster" continues the Countess, before ringing a little bell and summoning the same tanned, muscled, semi-naked butler to begin scrubbing the carpet. The Countess positions herself for a good view while the butler cleans up, "odd really, reminds me of Freddy before he had the snip" says the Countess. Seeing a confused look on Boff's face, the Countess explains that Freddy is the family dog. "Okay, ahem, sorry about that, you caught me by surprise", says Boff, "so if we can continue. At this point you became a glamour model, can you tell us how that came about?"

One rainy day as I was preparing the editor's morning Darjeeling and slice of Battenberg he popped his head round the door and said he fancied a cream horn. Our eyes met and I don’t know if it was because of he way I had brushed my hair that day or simply because my dress was draped drying over a chair and I was standing there semi naked but he made the instant decision that I should be gracing the pages….not the kitchen.

I see ...and I dare say you had a few casting couch moments, did you use the tricks you learnt to protect you from their grabby hands?

My modeling career really took off from that moment and I could often be seen tits out and legs akimbo in various mens magazines (including ‘Tits Out & Legs Akimbo’ ). It wasn’t long before Hugh Heffner came calling and the Playboy Mansion beckoned. Those were the hessian days when we looked like we had sat on Davy Crocketts hat and I was responsible for many a bite mark on Hugh's well worn pipe.

hahahah you said 'pipe' as a metaphor for his manhood, good one, says Boff. "No" corrects the Countess, it really was a pipe, he had to have something to bite down on when I, you know, oh good grief, you're a grown up work it out Boff. Yes, well, perhaps changing the subject, what about the Count? how did you come to meet him? were your parents happy you found a suitable match?

Well as you can imagine having reached top shelf stardom I was invited to many celebrity and diplomatic functions and it was during one of these that I was introduced to the Count. He was over from Germany and had a name which I still can’t pronounce without sounding like I am choking on gravel. I simply called him Bobo and what he lacked in the wedding tackle department he certainly made up for in the wallet section.

Indeed, so you married for love then? "naturally, what are you implying Boff?" responds the Countess. Oh nothing, anyway, you're the talk of high society, your summer soiree's being a particularly highlight, what's the secret to throwing on a good bash?

Well Boff, the secret to ‘throwing a good bash’ is to let somebody else arrange and more importantly pay for it. I find that's usually the best way.

Ha! So anyway six children later here you are? what are your memories of child-birth?

My memories of childbirth are being surrounded by lovely flowers in a smashing private ward in an exclusive private hospital trying to remember who the father was. To be honest Boff, I'm not really inclined to listen to other expectant mothers screaming, it really puts you off your crossword.

I never knew you were into crosswords? says Boff. "I'm not" replies the Countess taking another generous slurp of her gin and tonic. Indeed, but you are a feisty mother. Aside from the Madonna unpleasantness, which we can't talk about for legal reasons. You also had something of a public spat with Pam Ayres? what's that all about?

Pam Ayres wrote a poem on Twitter to which I responded also in rhyme. She congratulated me in a clever manner to which I once again responded in a poetic mode. She then replied and with rapier wit I topped her response which then led to her blocking me. The whole thing, was a frightful shame. I really thought we were making progress.

I'm very sorry to hear that m'lady. As a member of the upper classes I also couldn't do this interview without asking what's your opinion of the Queen and the monarchy?

Well with regards to the Monarchy I can abide Liz and Pip but if it wasn’t for the Daily Mail and such I am sure the others would soon be forgotten about which is why I think they should adopt a rotation system on our postage stamps and coinage to remind people what they look like and who they are paying vast sums of money to support.

That sounds like a very astute suggestion. But as Countess of Essex you see both sides of the spectrum, is it true you were invited to go on 'The only way is Essex', to help give the show a bit of class?

Yes, I was invited to partake in ‘The Only Way is Essex’ but firstly I don’t think it is and secondly I refuse to be tanned, bleached, bejazzled and have a butterfly inked onto my buttocks whilst sounding like I have a mouth full of cockles. That's why one has staff Boff.

hahah oh dear....and what are your plans for the future now that your children are all rapidly reaching grown-up-hood. Will you be re-inventing yourself again? and growing old disgracefully?

My future plans are to continue writing a diary which will elaborate further on my intricate life and let the reader delve and probe into my inner secrets. Hopefully it will be finished soon and available online. 

That sounds a marvellous idea, I'm sure there's plenty of people who would love to learn more about what goes on behind your closed doors, smiles Boff. "You don't have to look quite so pleased with yourself Boff, it's nothing rude. well, it is a bit rude, but that's hardly a crime. Now I suggest we get back to Gin Rummy, Open hand is £50, and it's £75 to call my bluff. On that note Boff pulls out a copy of Snakes and Ladders from beneath his seat and suggests a real high stakes game.