The Moatman Interviews -S6- No.3 "Feline fine" ft @Tiysch

The camera's open on an underground bunker; wide stone steps spiraling downward to be supplanted by a smooth concrete floor. Then as the camera pans up a wall of TV monitors flickering with various news and CCTV feeds being piped in. In one corner of the room a large man sized table with a laser pointing at its centre, the scorch marks still clearly visible. Then there sat at the console with his back to the camera is the evil genius of this lair, one mechanical arm visible over the arm rest, as an angry feline tail twitches, clearly unhappy at being petted.

What follows next is a loud scuffle and crashing as an elderly gent with a bag over his head his brought down the stairs and thrown very woughly to the floor. Two menacing looking henchmen remove the bag to reveal a hot and flustered looking Boff. "Now, look here!" exclaims Boff, "I've done a lot of these interviews and I've never been so roughly treated, it's not on do you here?", "You're not even going to do me the common courtesy of turning around when I'm talking to you, are you?" continues Boff getting more grumpy. At which point a cat pokes its head around the side of the chair "Oh, Hi Boff" says the cat. "Tisch?" says Boff looking shocked. The cat then jumps down from the chair walks calmly across the floor to a small chez lounge not previously spotted, licks a paw, and then hops up. "You're bigger in real life" she replies.

"Wait? what? who's that in the chair? I thought I was interviewing an evil genius today?" says Boff. "Oh, that's just a mannequin, I use him as a scratch toy mainly, I mean who's going to believe a talking cat right? But he does come in handy for ordering pizza, yes, cats can like pizza too, it's a crazy modern world, Boffykins". "But what was with the bag and the henchmen and throwing me on the floor?" Says Boff looking a little hurt. "Oh, I just like the drama really, Trevor and Toby are nice boys, but they do get a bit over exaggerated, I'll claw their legs for you later" says Tisch, before licking a paw and cleaning her cheek. "So ask me your questions Boff, and don't hold back, I want you to probe my every corner".

*Boff straightens his clothing and retrieves a piece of paper from his pocket* Okay, right, well indeed, we should crack on. I wanted to start with a nice gentle ice breaker to help my readers get to know you. So lets start by asking what does a typical day look like for a talking cat?

Well Boffykins, says Tisch (looking at her retractable claws), like Jimi Hendrix I try and get up every day. Obviously there are times when napping takes priority over world domination but I do try and make a little time each day to subjugating my minions. After rising I will usually have a snack then I may run around the lair all batshit crazy. Then I'll nap again. Then maybe a spot of subjugation and another nap. [Being a supervillian is rather exhausting.] Then supper, then bed. 

"I see, sounds hectic", says Boff...."and when did you actually realise that you could talk? Is it just you or do other cats talk too?"

I've always been able to talk Boff. All cats can, but not all humans can understand us of course and this can lead to all sorts of upsets. Like being given whiskers chicken in jelly when you specifically asked for lamb in gravy. Most upsetting. It's this kind of thing that drives us to climb up curtains, that and the lure of catnip. Why do people hide catnip on the top of curtains Boff?

I'm not entirely sure Tisch, I guess it seemed logical at the time, and how did you get into this mad-cap world of crime and underworld catty plans for world domination?

Well, that's an interesting story. I was out doing my rounds, when I came across this strange little door in the side of a hill. I did some digging around and noticed a spare cat-flap, which was handy. I was suspicious at first, cats are always suspicious of stray cat-flaps. But then I thought what the hey, and I wandered in here one day when the previous occupant was still alive and never bothered to leave. He got hauled off by some chap called Bond and I thought it would be a shame to let the place go to waste and there were a few henchmen still kicking around [ nods at Trevor and Toby and waves a dismissive paw] so I thought I might as well take over the operation. With a few tweaks here and there obviously.

I see, that was lucky. But you mainly use your powers for good right? what's the best use of your feline prowess?

I've put a lot of effort in the development of high grade catnip, and toys as well, the two rather go together. Currently I have people working on a self emptying litter tray. Being a supervillian is sometimes about giving back to the community. I mean think of the possibilities dearest Boff, all those cats up and down the country having to suffer the indignity of having their poop inspected. Personally I don't mind, but it does bother others.

Personally, I think a self-emptying cat tray has its merits, for humans as well as cats. But lets keep going so, what does your owner make of this? are they aware of your shenanigans? or are they still talking to the mannequin?

Ah Boff, my darling, I can see you've learnt nothing. Cats don't have owners, well, not really, I mean we like to let humans think they own us. I do have a human who I'm particularly fond of, mainly for food, catnip, tummy rubs. But I'm an independent woman Boff, I can order my own pizza, and even scratch myself when I need to. To be honest though, why have henchmen and scratch yourself if you know what I mean. *Tisch purrs loudly to herself at that one*.

*Boff blushes* That's charming, why are you making big eyes at me? *Tisch shrugs and carries on staring*, SO....I'm sure you've also had some close shaves, how many of the nine lives are left? and can you tell us any good stories about the hot water you've found yourself?

Oh the nine lives questions always a tricky one. You see it's not always wise to advertise how many you've got left. Some people can be a bit funny about things like that. I can tell you that the setup when I first got here was more than a little tricky. There was that whole thing with the crocodile pit. And the sharks. Way too many things involving water. That had to be put a stop to. I'm afraid water of any temperature is a rather touchy subject. Although Mr Bond certainly seemed to enjoy a dip

Ah, was that the one with the sharks that had lasers on their head? ahem, anyway, I can't interview a talking cat without asking the question. So what's the deal with cats bringing in dead mice as treats?

Well us cats are terrific hunters, and love preying on the small rodent population, although mice are more rare these days than you'd think. I have to get mine from the pet shop on the precinct. The important part is 'why', you did ask that didn't you Boffykins? Well you see, good humans are hard to come by. So we like to make sure any other cats in the area know you're taken. What better way to scare off the competition than to recreate the village of the damned in your livingroom. There's always a reason we do things you know.  

I see, that's very informative, and what do the local Tom cats make of you? any juicy gossip you can share with us?

There's a rather lovely Bengal that lives just down the road. He's been quite keen but he can be a bit of a handful.. you know what orientals are like. [ sniggers ] and the people next door used to have a black panther. Probably best I don't go into details, he's on the loose you see and values his privacy. 

Wow, you prefer your cats big and powerful by the sounds of it then. Now earlier you mentioned humans and the cat - human relationship. So I wanted to ask what do cats really make of humans? are we really just your slaves?

I'm afraid so. We don't mind you doing your own thing from time to time as long as you're there for chin scratches, meals, entertainment and litter tray duties. I think I mentioned I was having a self emptying litter tray developed so you see I'm not always unreasonable. 

True, True, you are a feline with a big heart. I know you like to teach the youth of today some good strong morale values too. What's the best advice you could give them?

I would tell the kittens of today to avoid vole spleens at all costs and to point out the benefits of my new strain of nip which is available at all good pet stores now. It has all the hallucinatory goodness of nip without any of the yucky comedowns.

Indeed, I'll keep that in mind. I also know that you have strong views on politics, you're something of a politi-cat. If you could get into 10 Downing street what would you do first?

I have a list of things for Downing street. Crap in shoes, barf in handbag, leave very very dead rat in dispatch case. Larry does some sterling work on the whole shredding papers thing, which is why they keep losing their manifesto. *evil laughter*

Well, my darling Tisch, it's certainly been an experience. I'm going to end the interview in my usual silly style, so Garfield, Tom (of Tom and Jerry), and Sylvester - Snog, Marry, Avoid? and why?!


Snog Tom, he's a bit of a live wire but not too restful. Marry Garfield because you don't always want to be rushing around like a crazy cat. As for Sylvester well.. that whole thing with the bird - can't be doing with that. 

ahahah well it's been a pleasure, now, will I be leaving through the window or the door? asks Boff. Tiysch stretches her retractable claws, preens an ear and gives Boff a wink before gesturing to her henchmen to see Mr Moatman out.