An evening with Boff Moatman - Part 1 (of 2)

The camera opens on a busy TV studio floor, delightfully decked out in 80s style Parkinson colours with partition screening. As the camera pans across a packed and noisy audience, many familiar faces can be seen chatting to one another and trying to open bags of popcorn without spilling the contents on the audience member in front of them. The camera then pans to the stage, where the hip young boy band of the moment (Duran Duran) are sat up in the bandstand sipping Campari and relaxing. The camera finally comes to settle on centre stage where a garishly clad elderly gent with a big grey beard is sat reclining on a grey cloth couch. Then from the back of the stage an even more garishly dressed dog emerges to rapturous applause from the audience.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to an Evening with Boff Moatman, it's a huge honour to co-host this historic televisual extravaganza celebrating the man, the myth, the bearded behemoth that is Boff Moatman. We have some of Boff's closest friends in the audience tonight poised and ready to fire questions to the big man, fingering his massive brain for tales of past escapades, separating the fact from the fiction. We also have four sexy young things going by the name of Duran Duran who are premiering their new single ‘Ordinary World’ for the first time ever on TV, I've been backstage and they've made a right mess, it's stinks of cider, Wotsits and mischief in there. So without further ado let's welcome the man of the moment, the big kahuna, the chosen one, the Spanish call him El Boffo but we know him as Boff Moatman.

The Camera cuts away back to Boff on the Couch, as Sweaty walks across to a matching grey cloth armchair nicked from Pebble Mill's storage room.

"I’m so glad it’s you that hosting this evening dearest Sweaty, you’re such a dear friend, who already knows all of my deepest darkest secrets, but also because you know, that I know, about that thing with you and the Duchess of Kent and that other thing that won’t be mentioned *slyly winks*. *Sweaty laughs, placing a paw on Boff’s knee* “ohh you are a mischievous bugger, don’t worry mate, we’ll be gentle, and ixnay on the Duchess thing, she might be watching”.

“So, where shall we start, what stories can we tell to help uncover a little more about the man that is Boff Moatman, well maybe I can begin by telling you all about the time me and Boff first met, I was in Snappy Snaps getting my holiday photos developed when I heard a massive kerfuffle going on in the passport photo booth, I pulled the curtain aside and there sat a silvery bearded wonder that took my breath away, he had an air of something special about him, I think it was Kestrel Super as the booth smelled very boozy. He explained that he couldn't get his car started and someone kept flashing him, after a short struggle I managed to drag him outside and buy him a burrito to sober him up, we sat there for hours sharing tales of high seas and low cut hipster jeans, we laughed, cried and vomited stale Kestrel. I knew that day I'd met a special friend, we often get drunk and try to drive home despite being barred from Snappy Snaps. As a friend and drinking buddy I'd love to know what your best night out was that didn't result in a custodial sentence? 

Ah Sweaty, I wish I could tell you that I remember it like it was only yesterday, but needless to say, I was very very drunk. I had to knock the Kestrel beer on the head, it did terrible things to my bowels, or at least every time I got hammered on Kestrel I would get a yearning for one of Dirty Sid’s (@Dirtysid) special curries. I was never sure which did the more damage, but thankfully that’s all behind me. I think my best night out (that I can remember) was that time you and I popped down to the dog and ferret for a swift half at lunchtime. Five hours later, we were sat on a merri-go-round trying to race some 10 year olds, who swore more than we did. Then that nice lady with the false eye took pity on us and bought us each a candy floss. That was a great evening out, it’s always good when you return home wearing both shoes and don’t have vomit down the front of you.

The audience applauds with raucous laughter as Sweaty interjects. “Okay, as you know all of these shows are big on audience participation, and as you’ll be able to see many of your former interview guests are itching to get in on the act and ask their own questions, so lets begin…”

The camera cuts away to the second row where Willow (@paperhegemony) and her partner Quentin are sat patiently waiting to ask their question. A sound-boom comes down as Willow looks waiting to see if it’ll stop in time, clearing her throat, she says, ”Hello Boff, you lovely old rogue, I wanted to ask when you were at school as a young boy, what sort of things did you do to impress the ones you fancied?”

Hello my darling, so lovely to see you tonight, and a pleasure to meet you also Quentin. As far as your question goes, well, I had a full beard by the age of 6, so I did stand out somewhat from the other boys. But I must admit as a young lad I was terribly shy and bashful, so I didn’t discover the fairer sex until after school had finished. Other than a passing crush on the school librarian (even now horn-rimmed glasses on a gold chain get me going) which didn’t end well after I returned a book late, I didn’t have much to do with girls. I have of cause made up for lost time since you understand.

The sound-boom then moves to the middle of the audience where @Neillyfabi is waiting, having recently returned from visiting his in-laws in Argentina. “Hi Boff, it’s good to see you mate, you’re looking a little warm under these camera lights, I hope they’re keeping you boys well-watered, I wanted to ask a question about travel, I wondered if you could share with us the most embarrassing holiday experience you’ve had with us?”

*Boff reaches down behind the arm of the sofa and raises a fancy cocktail before chuckling* I must admit I do have a story, one that I haven’t told in many many years. When I was a young boy at school they encouraged us to have a pen-pal in France, and so I wrote to Jean-Pierre for an entire year, exchanged swear words, smutty jokes, the usual. Well, the school organised a student exchange for us, but back in those days’ photographs were expensive, so I had no idea what Jean-Pierre or his family looked like. So they sent me across on the Ferry, and then when I arrived, as I later found out, Jean-Pierre is quite a common name for French boys. At first his family seemed quite confused, especially when I handed them my bag and climbed into their car. They protested for the first few days, presumably because of cultural differences, but by the end of the second week we were firm friends, it was only when we got back to the ferry port and I met ‘my’ Jean-Pierre who was on his way to stay with my family that I realised the mistake. To this day, I still have no idea who I stayed with for two weeks.

The camera boom now moves to an executive box in the gallery where Commissar Ralph (@ImcousinRalph) is busy plotting world domination. “Good evening Mr.Moatman, I was not happy about being dragged away from my country, but the Cuban Cigars and 80 year old brandy is very much welcome. For me I like a particular movie quote, ‘There are three things I like; Kylie Minogue; small dimples just above a woman’s buttocks; and the fear in a man’s eyes who knows I’m about to hurt him’, what quote do you like?

Hahahah as ever my dear Ralph, you’re presence is easily felt across the whole studio, magnanimous as always. Well, as I’m sure you’ll know I love my comic book movies, so I think my favourite quote comes from the original Batman movie, because we all know that Jack Nicolson was the best Joker, so tell me dear fellow ‘Have you ever danced with the Devil by the pale moonlight? I just like to ask that question of all my prey’, *Boff bursts out laughing while Ralph nodes approvingly*

Sweaty now takes over again, “some excellent questions, we’ll come back to the audience again in a little bit, but I think you'll agree we're really getting to know our favourite former aristocrat. Now it’s time for another of my stories, and then a surprise for you Boff. So as well as being hell raisers Boff and I have shared the good and bad times together, the poignant and the erotic. As voted the winner of ‘Britain's best beard 1997’ by Hairy Studz magazine Boff was asked to do centre spread for the Christmas edition, he asked me to give him a lift to the shoot and carry his beard grooming kit. Having not read Hairy Studz before we hadn't realised there was more than just the pages being spread that day, however Boff was ever the professional and that issue broke all records for that magazine selling in excess of 40 copies. That beard opens a lot of doors for you mate, which is why we got you a little gift.

*From the stage right an assistant comes on carrying a bag of hair care accessories* We wanted to get you something from the Nicky Clark range but the Floor manager said we couldn’t afford it, so instead, we got you the complete Vanilla Ice hair care professional kit, now every day can be a ‘high top’ day. But before we let you get your mitts on the goodies, we wanted to ask how you maintain such a magnificent soup strainer?

Oh! Bless you, this really is too kind, I feel really embarrassed now because I didn’t get you a gift. As for hair, well I don’t have much up top, so it really is the beard. I tried various shampoos and potions, but often find that they leave it too light and fly-away. That’s why I now use my secret ingredient, irn-bru, it gives my beard a lovely weight, soft curls, and an ever so slight orange tint, which drives the dinner ladies at the care home up the road wild. I’m often mistaken for ZZ-Top you know, both of them, the old dears don’t see so well, but it does wonders for my pride. You’re coat is lovely and glossy too Sweaty, I can see you take good care of yourself.

Sweaty smiles, I brush my hair every day to avoid knots and tangles you know Boff, you’ve got to have a routine, anyway, enough of man-care tips, time to go back to our audience for a few more questions. I can see Tim (@TimGooderham) is itching to ask you a question. The camera cuts away to the front row where Tim is sat next to Lady Anne (@SensuaMuppet), sharing a box of popcorn “Hello Boff, I hope you’re enjoying your time in the lime-light, I wanted to ask what made you get into this Parkinson style interview business in the first place?

Hello dear boy! I must confess the interview thing was largely by accident. I mean, I was a fan of Parky growing up as a boy, but I also enjoy the contemporary interview shows like Alan Carr, and that young whipper-snapper Jonathon Ross. I think for me, I’ve met so many people down the road, and they all have fascinating insights to life and the human condition. On Twitter you are limited to the requisite 140 characters, but there’s such a rich tapestry of life, and people from all over the world that have had different experiences and upbringings. I wanted to shine a light and go beyond the 140 characters to help bring some of those things to the surface and really give people the opportunity to get to know their peers a little more. My only regret is that we’re limited to the English language, I’m sure there are others from far flung places that would be fascinating guests, but alas, as Jean-Pierre found out, my French is crap.

The camera and sound-boom now swing off to the far right, where in the third row the Elfish Witch (@elfishbitch) is waiting to ask a question. “Hello darling Boff! We’ve turned the tables *laughs* it was about time that we got to ask a few questions ourselves, oh bearded enigma. Talking of beards, what’s your beardspiration?

Ahhh my darling, you’ve been so wonderfully supportive of the Moatman Interviews, I’m so glad you were able to attend this evening. In terms of your question, obviously the ‘Blessed’ was a big impact on me, as a young boy with a full beard, seeing him shout ‘Gordon’s Alive’, has stayed with me for many years. Personally I prefer a full natural beard, that is well kept and washed regularly. This recent trend with over stylised beards leaves me cold, who needs designer stubble and tram lines on their chin? I must admit I steer clear of beard wax also, horrible smelly stuff. No, give me a proper Santa’s beard over a hipster twiddly number any day.

The camera then swings back to the middle where Trish Finley (@WTF_MYOB) is waiting. “Hello, you grizzly old love demon, *laughs Trish*, I’m really torn, I wanted to ask you a normal question like ‘tell us something you do, that we should all do/shouldn’t do’, but I’m really temped to ask you something sassy like ‘which famous lady (dead/or alive) would you like shtup’ ? I just don’t know.

Hahahah two for the price of one! Well in terms of things I do, I must confess I talk to myself, A LOT, to the point where friends and family enquire after ‘Philip’, I’m not sure whether I would recommend that, but you certainly get the right answers if you talk to yourself, and a better class of company, at least on occasion. As for your second question, goodness, so much choice hahaha, well, I do have a soft spot for Amy Adams, who’s delicate and gorgeous, with bags of sass and energy. But if we’re talking historical characters, Queen Elizabeth the first sounds fun, she’s got the body of a weak and feeble woman but with the heart and stomach of a king. Although I may insist that Miranda Richardson fills in for her, depending on the state of her teeth and pox. Ahem.

The camera now swings up to another of the executive boxes where @swearyJesus is waving away the cigar smoke from Commissar Ralph “You do know it’s no smoking in here don’t you?” says Sweary, as Ralph just shrugs and takes another toke on his cigar, “even as the son of God I get no respect *sighs* hello Boff, I wanted to ask you an important deeply biblical question, here goes, *takes a deep breath*, If you had a pigeon what would you call it and why?

Ahhhh that is a deeply philosophical question indeed. Obviously the name ‘Jon’ is taken, but I’m quite partial to the name Keith; Keith the pigeon. I just fear that he would get tarred with a Keith Lemon brush and be forced to wear garish suits and chair dodgy game shows for other pigeons. So lets go for something more noble. How about Michael. Michael the pigeon, he’s running for office in the local council elections. He’ll sort out the bird poo problem in the town centre.

The camera now comes to rest on the left-hand side of the audience where our dear Auntie Em (@AskAuntieEm1) has flown in especially from the United States. “Hello Boff, I’m so glad that you invited me to come along to this, it’s been a hoot! So I wanted to ask for those of us who are unfamiliar, what is a Womble?

Oh my God! I’m so pleased to see you, this is a wonderful surprise, I can’t believe you came all the way from the States to be here. I must admit Sweaty, I feel wonderfully spoiled with all the lovely people in the audience this really has touched me. In terms of your question, well, Wombles are native to the British Isles, but were cruelly hunted because they taste abit like chicken, so they are far rarer these days, with Wimbledon Common being sanctuary for their protection. In terms of how I would describe them, well, small, hairy, smell a bit odd, have a fascination with trash and tidying, but so lovable and funny too. So in that respect very much like Danny De Vito really.


The Camera now comes back to Sweaty. “N’awww see Boff, I’m feeling the love in the room, not least because of the idea of an Amy Adams / Miranda Richardson threesome, you sly old dog” says Sweaty. “We could listen to you and Philip ramble on all evening, but for those people in our wider audience reading our blog, it’s time for a break, I don’t want anyone wetting themselves because we deprived them of rest room breaks”, continues Sweaty. Besides to sing us into the break, we have a musical interlude, we are incredibly lucky to have this hot young band in the studio to sing us their new single, ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Duran Duran with ‘Ordinary World’, I’m sure you’ll like it. Join us next time for the second half of an evening with Boff Moatman.