It's not until the two figures have taken up their prayer matters and removed their hoods that we can see that one is Boff Moatman, and the other bespectled gentleman must be today's guest. "So why are in a Buddist monastrey?" whispers Boff, "shush" whispers the gentleman back, as he closes his eyes and chants something unintelligible but distinctly to the tune of a Bee Gees song. Boff looks around abit bewildered unsure of what's going on. It's then that he spots a particularly small monk with a long nose, who turns and gives him a wink and thumbs up. Hmmm thinks Boff, I wonder how many of these 'monks' are actually Wombles or people off the street.
The gentlemen next to Boff then claps his hands together, rubbing them so, before saying "right, that's that sorted, okay Boff, so how are you doing?", phew! thank god, this interview would have been a bit dull if the whole thing had been silent prayer. So, then, what can I tell you about today's guest, a favourite son of the Black Country, with a passion for the Albion, and real ale breweries, and most likely a monopoly on the letter 'L'. Yes, today, I'm in a Black Country Buddist monastrey with @Neillfabi. "It's not bad is it Boff", says Neill, "I don't care much for the incense, but it's got a nice relaxed atmosphere". "Indeed", replies Boff, so as a 'pre-question', I'd like to begin by asking why we're here? You said something about a spider and karma on the phone?
Well it’s quite an amusing story to be honest Boff. Unbeknown to me, Mrs 2H had agreed to look after a friend’s pet tarantula whilst she was on holiday. I came home from work and the bloody thing was scuttling round the kitchen. I screamed like a girl and after 15 minutes of frenzied activity, I managed to trap the thing under a bucket and flung it over the back fence in to the monastery grounds. Mrs 2H wasn’t best pleased and to cut a long story short insisted that I find the bloody thing and get it back. The only way I could gain entry was to pose as a wandering monk and that was 6 months ago.
"ahhhh, I see" says Boff. At this point Neill then gingering reaches into one of his loose hanging sleeves and pulls out a full pint of beer, takes a sip, and then puts it back. Boff just sits agog. "How did you do that?", "Do what?" replies Neill. "How did it not spill?" Neill just shrugs, and does a pretend praying pose. Right, blimey, okay, lets get to some proper questions then, what was it like growing up in the Black Country? Was Slade a big influence on the locals, and did you all have 'that' hair cut?
Growing up in the Black Country was wonderful, almost idyllic. We spent many a happy hour underage drinking M&B mild, frog blowing, apple scrumping, smoking dog ends and playing truant. Slade certainly had a big influence on our spelling. It wasn’t until I turned 17 that I discovered what cum actually meant! I preferred the mullet to the Dave Hill haircut.
The nightlife in Wednesbury was a bit limited to be honest, but I did like to glide into the Lounge Bar of the Dog & Lozenge for a sneaky pint of mild and a bag of scratchings as often as possible. Back then I didn’t get to see Albion play that much, because I had to do my paper round on a Saturday afternoon.
mmmm, this is quite nice says Boff, taking a swig of his pint, is it a local brewery? perhaps we should have a beer related question? So, you're a fan of the real ales? Which one is your favourite? and what's the strangest title/flavour you've come across? I'm quite partial to Bishop's finger myself.
Luckily when I was a choirboy I managed to avoid the bishop’s finger! I do like good ale. My current tipple of choice is anything from St Peters brewery in Suffolk, the ruby red ale if pressed to choose. The best name for a beer I have ever come across is ‘Old Peculiar’ which just about sums me up.
Oh I love Old Peculiar, says Boff, mmmm beer... *Both Boff and Neill take a swig of beer*....I'd also like to get on to the topic of lurrve. How did you meet your other half? She's Argentine is that right?
I met Mrs 2H playing backgammon on the internet, a complete fluke and to be honest the best fluke of my life. 5 months later we met in person for the first time in Naples (Florida) and we have never looked back. Communication was never a problem, if you get my drift! Love at first gammon!
N'awwww, love at first gammon sounds very sweet mate, and what was it like visiting Argentina for the first time? Did you meet the 'in-laws' out there?
My first trip to Argentina was amazing. I loved the place and still do. The people are the best thing and I have my own friends over there now. The family are great and have welcomed me with open arms from day one. I have eaten a lot of cow though, including bits I would never have contemplated before.
The mind boggles says Boff, before stoping a moment to take another slurp of his pint. This incense is growing on me, it's quite pleasant really, says Boff, and what did the local Argentine people make of a proper Black Country boy?
The Black Country bit confused them. They couldn’t understand why I was white, but with clever use of accent they’ve got it now. There are quite a few new ‘Baggies’ knocking about in Argentina now. I am spreading the love, and in exchange I follow River Plate for my sins. Vamos River!!
You’ve rumbled me Boff. Mrs 2H is not a fan of the ale, so I’ve convinced her that ‘Best Bitter’ is the equivalent of alter wine. Fancy another swift half?
Well, seeing as we're here now, I suppose it would be rude not to really says Boff. Neill then reaches into his inside pocket and pulls out half a pint for Boff. "There you go then", says Neill with a smile. I'm now wondering how many glasses of beer you have concealed about your person sir. So how religious are you really? do you believe in Karma?
To be honest Boff, I’m what you would categorise as a lapsed atheist. But I am a strong believer in Karma, every day I consider all the things in the history of history that had to happen for me to meet Mrs 2H and now I’m a believer.
I see, well, believing in the gammon is as good as anything I've heard to be fair. You do seem quite relaxed and comfortable with the world, what's your secret for a happy life?
Best Bitter and a sense of perspective. I’m not jealous of what others have got and am just grateful for the life I’ve lived and am determined to make the most of what time I’ve got left.
That does make a lot of sense actually, okay, how about an off topic question next. If you had the choice, which song would you have had at your Christening, Wedding and Funeral, and why?
That’s an interesting question. For my christening ‘Smells like Teen Spirit’ would be my choice (shame it was 30 years too late), because it’s dramatic and loud. My wedding would be ‘She’ for very obvious reasons, and for my funeral ‘Once around the World’ by It Bites, purely because it lasts 15 minutes and tells a great story.
I've heard of at least one of those, so I'm pleased, still though you can't beat a bit of the George Michaels at a wedding. Well our interview is almost at a close and I feel we're only just starting to scratch the surface, so perhaps I should close with two more probing questions... what's been your happiest moment?
It was meeting the love of my life Mrs 2H, for the first time in person. Nothing compares to that and nothing ever will.
No contest Boff. It was going to see them with my Grandad when the god that was Jeff Astle graced the Hawthorns pitch. That will never be beaten in my book. Or was it beating Wolves in the play-off semi-final? Or taking my nephew to his first game when he was 4? Too many choices Boff.
hahahah I can see you're a true fan mate, with the interview now at a close, there's just the question of sneaking back out unnoticed and taking our empties with us. Another interview next week...
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