Squatting down at the glass counter is an elderly gentleman looking through the various snow globes and ornaments on display, until it becomes apparent that another pair of eyes are staring back from the other side of the glass counter, 'aghhh' exclaims the elderly gent as he jumps back up. The attendant wearing a rather snazzy jumper does likewise. "Boff?" says the attendant. Ahhh yes! it's Boff Moatman, "Hello!! *ahem*, and welcome to an all new, and all exciting series of the Moatman interviews! Where better to start a new series of the show than here in Wakefield, the very heart of Yorkshire, and by goodness, judged on the tourist information they take their civic pride seriously up here". "Now then, are you the gentleman I spoke to on the phone?" enquires Boff. "I certainly am, we're so pleased to have you here, please come through we've got a room prepared for your interview"
Boff dutifully follows the attendant through to a back room where the cakey goodness of freshly baked parkin wafts through the air and a teapot of freshly brewed Yorkshire tea awaits - what else? Two more friendly faces await Boff, one wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a punked up Helen worth (ala Gail McIntyre) complete with safety-pin through her nose and the other younger gentleman who seems to be attired in what could be termed 'skater-wear'. "Thank you so much for coming" says punk-rock Gail McIntyre Tee, please help yourself to some cake, Beryl baked it especially. "Are the Wombles with you?" Asks Skater-boi, "They went to check out the Town replies Boff, but I did warn them to be on their best behaviour". "So then" says Boff, putting down his duffel bag and getting out a notepad. Questions! so many questions! Perhaps I should start with an easy one then. If you had to describe Wakefield to someone who had never visited before, how would you describe the town?
Punk Gail-McIntyre Tee (Ben): If you imagine the French Riviera, take away the sea, add unemployment, take away the bikinis, add a messy, inebriated and debauched night life, and you’ll come close.
Skater Boi (Yoof): Wakefield has many attractions designed to delight the easily pleased and will soon be announced as the country’s 1st northern power bungalow.
Sounds similar to Wimbledon, the Common is often festooned with bikini clad drunks, and that's just the blokes! Anyway, enough that, I wanted to ask what exactly makes Wakefield, the cultural phenomenon that it is?
Ben: We are home to some of the finest tourist attractions in the world: Yorkshire Sculpture Park, Museum of Pylons, Hepworth Gallery, over 400 miles of surfaced pavements, to name a few. The rich night life has inspired bands such as: Black Lace… erm to name but a few, to write countless chart hits.
Yoof: Our love of sculpture and alcohol has had a lot to do with the success of the city. You know, visitors from down south will pay an unbelievable amount of money for some of that real fucked up weird arty stuff.
Yoof: Well the event got off to a bad start when one entrant to the “guess the weight of Jane” contest suggested she may be over 10.5 stone. As you can imagine, this outrageous slur resulted in the gentleman being escorted from the city for his own safety. The highlight of the event was undoubtedly the auction for the piece of toast with the image of Jane’s face which raised over £13,000 for a local tourism charity.
Mmmmm, sounds marvellous, and I'm so pleased that there were no fatalities this year, after the unpleasantness of 1997. We won't dwell on that any longer. Suffice to say I know the rival factions of the 'I heart Jane' fan club have come to blows several times over the years. It's good to see the rift healing and also that the police are dealing with it in a sensitive manner. So, staying on the same topic, I wanted to ask, the police up here are amicable I take it? I imagined them all to be a bit like 'Heartbeat', but maybe that view's outdated?
Ben: Indeed, like Heartbeat, we have one lovable incompetent police officer serving the 76,000 population. Minor demeanours are dealt with by the local Women’s Institute and more serious crimes, the local lynch mob.
Yoof: We’ve recently entered into a partnership with the local bobbies whereby they let us know how many people are in the cells overnight and we claim these as genuine tourists to help with our lucrative EU and lottery funding claims.
How very ingenious of you, I must admit the women's institute were waiting for me at the train station to check whether I met their exacting standards. I'm just glad I could remember all the words to Ilkley Moor by tat. That was a close shave I can tell you, they mean business those old biddies. ahem. I mean fine Yorkshire ladies. So, then, what about the nightlife in Wakefield, with the opening of Wakefield College is the town flooded with students up for a good time?
Yoof: It can get a bit rowdy later on in the evening and I once saw a man receive a dead leg and a Chinese burn during a disagreement over a kebab.
Ben: Wakefield’s famous “Westgate Run” attracts stag parties and international dignitaries, alike. The local drink of choice is the “Cheeky Vimto”, a recipe passed down for generations, delivering a kick akin to being hit by a tractor.
I also heard that the cathedral is a good place to go for the more exotic night-life, are there any weird comings and goings you can tell us about?
Ben: The Cathedral is a place of worship Boff, but some speak of late night gatherings of heavily robed individuals chanting incomprehensible words. Masonic rituals? Ku Klux Klan? Who knows... Actually it’s the headquarters for the Wakefield branch of the highly secretive Illuminati… but I didn’t say that.
Yoof: If you are lucky you might receive an invite to the Bell End club which is of course run by the in-house campanologists but sadly we’ve never been asked to see their clappers.
Ben: Over the years Leeds has mocked us with their “Vibrant Culture”, “World Class Academic Institutions” and “Ample Tourism Budgets”. We were forced into declaring war on them when they made the passive aggressive move of opening an 18th Artisan Bakery. We are slowly building up an underground network to take them down from the inside. I myself am attending a course at the university and am considering buying a house there to… ahem… build up a cover.
Yoof: As far back as we can remember, maybe even back to 1987, Leeds residents have made fun of our dependence on the annual rhubarb harvest. This led to the cold war where we would deliberately sneeze on them and leave dirty tissues on their buses. They in turn would turn our thermostats down when we were out. Things got nasty for a while.
Blimey, I never knew that things had got that bad. A man's thermostat is his kingdom, it's all good and well saying turn it down to 17, but when those chills reach your lower back. Ahem, it's my age you see, I feel drafts now, it's horrible. Sorry, I'm oversharing, so, ahem what about the town's relationship with the fields of Yorkshire, namely Driffield, Darfield, Huddersfield and the mighty Sheffield, any ongoing feuds or drama you can tell us about there?
Ben: Obviously Wakefield was the first of the field based places. The others started to jump on the bandwagon soon after. We throw them a few scraps of tourists, but people know that Wakefield is Best-field! Interestingly although Patrick Stewart is from Mirfield near Huddersfield, he has never boldly gone to Wakefield, despite many attempted bribes and kidnappings.
Ahh but for every Patrick Stewart, there's a Jimmy Tarbuck, and I'm sure he'd be happy to grace the local theatre and bars for some of his cheerful glee. So, now, an important question for you, if I came for a day out, what good things are there to do in wakefield? and more importantly how likely am I to bump into some of the famous sons and daughters of Wakey?
Ben: If you’re into star spotting, I’d recommend hanging out on the famous Wakeywood Boulevard Walk of Fame. This morning Wakefield’s very own Jennifer Lopez and Will Smith were spotted in a romantic clinch by an anonymous reporter.
I see, so my chances of seeing Helen Worth in Lidl buying scampi fries are pretty good then, that's handy to know, and also and what about other 'famous' local celebrities. Every town and city has it's 50p Lil, what are the odder local heroes you might run into while in the town?
Ben: Wakefield’s very well know prison has been home to Harold Shipman, Ian Huntley, Charles Bronson and Reggie Kray. For a small bribe… I mean fee we know someone who can arrange a special HMP Wakefield meet the inmates experience.
I see, and can said friend also guarantee my safety? Sounds a bit scary to me, I also wanted to ask what kind of feedback you've had from the locals since the 'visit wakefield' twitter account has been up and running? all positive I hope?
Yoof: Feedback is generally either positive or semi-erotic. We get a lot of “private” photographs from some of our followers and we try to return the compliment with our own special series of naked rhubarb themed artistic Instagram shots taken at various world famous Wakefield landmarks.
I see, and how might one go about aquiring some of these arty rhubarb pictures, *Yoof points to a mocked up calendar on the desk opposite*, ahh see a charity calendar, clever thinking. well, our interview is pretty much at a close, and you've both been wonderful hosts, so perhaps one final question then. If Wakefield were an item of clothing, what item of clothing would it be and why?
Ben: That’s a bit of a weird question Boff. Wakefield is a city, and it would be incredibly abstract to compare it to an item of clothing. I supposed if pressed, I’d say a nappy, because what happens in Wakefield, stays in Wakefield.
Yoof: A pair of ladies tights, sometimes we are attractive and sexy and full of excitement but at other times we are capable of helping someone to carry out an armed robbery.
Wow, I did not expect that, so then ladies and gentlemen it's on that bombshell our interview is at a close, and I have to say I'm flabbergasted and a little bit in love with my new second home. Join us next week for more of the same!
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