The Moatman Interviews -S2- No.2 'Father and Son' Part 2. featuring @GODthegoodone and @SwearyJesus

*The camera opens on a heavenly scene where two deities and the ghost of an old man are drinking beer amongst the clouds and watching the world cup on a small portable television. Realising the cameras are back on they hastily turn back to face the camera*

Hello! and welcome back to the Moatman Interviews, to recap from last week, I suffered a rather unfortunate bathroom accident and died. Which at the time seemed some what drastic, especially given that it was episode 1 in a new series of the Interviews. Fortunately for me though it did give me the opportunity to float up here and meet with two of histories more popular deities. Yes, none other than God (the good one) and Jesus! (the sweary one). Thus far we've already covered some of the more weighty questions that any mere mortal might have for their maker, like why God created the Earth and Jesus' college years, but this week I want to probe more into their personal lives. 


Gentlemen, there's one person in this relationship we haven't yet touched upon yet, the Holy Goat!

Jesus, obviously that Goat was kind of a big deal for you, but you were estranged for 30+ years while you were on Earth, what's your relationship with the Holy Goat like now? do you take it out for Ice cream and stuff?

That fucking goat eats me out of house, home and jumpers. He likes cardigans for breakfast, tank tops for lunch and thick knitted sweaters for tea. He stinks, isn't house trained and won't keep off the furniture. I love him... and I have a special message from him for Mooey (@MMinniemoo ), he says "do you still have his hat, the one with the stains on?" apparently that will make sense to somebody...not me though I never know what the fuck he's on about...

 ... indeed! and God, what did Mary say when you explained that she would be visited by three goats, and that one of them (the Goat of Christmas future) was Holy and would get her up the duff? was she shocked?

 to be honest Boff, I just left her a note on the fridge in fridge magnets, it said something like "goats are coming today, expect a shag" we never spoke about it since, I forgot all about it.

*Boff nods his head* wow, that's quite a casual approach to saving humanity, I wonder if Al Gore ever did anything like that, in fact the mental image of it is very troubling. Staying with you God if I may, I'd also like to ask you a question about creationism and modern science fiction, what's your take on the big space debate and have you let Stephen Hawkins in on the joke yet?

haha you fell for that, Hawkins is just a dead body in a wheelchair, I operate him with a joystick and the voice is me or Jesus, whoever can be arsed really. We use him to sell books and stuff. When people started to turn their backs on Christianity, me Jesus invented this Hawkins character and science! Best of both worlds! It always amazes me that the people who don't believe in God (who created everything) will believe a dribbling mute in a wheelchair.

*Boff just stares into the camera shocked while Michael Landon gently pats his head and rubs his tummy at the same time* Bloody hell! ...I see, and what's your take on the other Gods? I'm specifically thinking about Greek Mythology here, do you and Zeus meet up and go bowling from time to time?

I don't really mingle with any of the other Gods, I only made them for a bit of company. Allah bobs around to our pub a bit, he's not really a God though, he's more of a dictator, you've got have certain mindset to believe his nonsense.

... Okay, coming back to you now Jesus, obviously you're most well known for your time on Earth as the son of God, but you have since tried your hands at a variety of other careers, a string of TV and movie appearances, the ill fated big hair 80s rock band, and obviously as a small businessman putting your face into a variety of objects, even a dog's bottom. Do you still have a keen urge to make your mark on the world?

I mostly hated people so everything I tried to was my attempts to make the human race suffer, the hair-metal era was, let's face it, an awful period in history and Mesus Me SuperStar was a fucking terrible musical that I think proved how much I wanted everyone to suffer but I've mellowed recently an now mostly just swear at idiots on Twitter. I don't really want to make a fuss anymore, religion is very old-fashioned and I think it's had its day.

...I see and coming back to your ill fated career in an 80s big hair arena rock band, do you have happy memories of being on the road? any major regrets?

Regrets? I've had a few....the clothes, boots, hair and make up actually really suited me but the music, I fucking hated it. I'm really a 3 minute, blast it out, punk type (ask any girl I've ever been with...) so all the guitar-wank twiddly diddly bullshit really got on my nerves. My happy memories of the time all involve not being on stage. The groupies (nuns mostly but what the hell) were fun if a little clingy, claiming to be my 'bride' for fucks sake. And the drugs obviously, we did a lot of drugs....tix-y-lix, cal pol, sherbet dib dabs and vics vapour rub were my favourites.

Boff confides with Jesus that he's also quite partial to vics vapour rub, but his personal favourite is Irn Bru and night nurse. anyway, coming back to you God you must be very proud of your son becoming a world famous celebrity with people often shouting his name, usually after hitting their thumb with a hammer or receiving bad news. Do you ever get the urge to have more children?

*God stares blankly into the camera before answering* No.

The three of us sit in a somewhat uncomfortable silence before Jesus reassures me that he is own man and that 'Dad' has never really taken much interest in his comings or goings, preferring instead to working on his own projects like creating new worlds with upside gravity or helping sponsor day time tv quizz shows. The rumour about about God being the banker on deal or no deal is still unconfirmed and God won't be drawn on the matter. Seeing that God is starting to become tired with the interview Boff returns to Jesus.

Coming back to you now Jesus, obviously your dad has an army of angels working for him, but are there any particular favourites? and what are the Christmas office parties like?

I like 37, 14 and 156 degrees are the best....what? Oh angels, sorry I thought you said something else....angels...hmmm...nope sorry, never like any of them, all to cherubby and flappy for me.
Christmas is OK but all I ever hear at the parties is "Come on Jesus do the wine trick" which is fucking annoying as, due to the amount of wine I drank in my teens, I'm now sort of allergic to it. It makes me dizzy and I throw up after only 7 or 8 bottles. I've started mixing in with redbull now too, I'm fucking class really...

...well I didn't expect that. Finally God I'd like to say after millennia in charge of 'up stairs', you're looking as fresh and vital as ever while the Pope, bless him, is looking a bit 17th Century. How do you maintain fashionable and ahead of the modern trends?

some things just never go out of fashion, sheets are pretty cheap too and Mary uses persil which keeps them looking nice are new. A good beard and a wash always helps. 

...and coming back to you Jesus for the final final question, as someone who has lived the ultimate near death experience, i.e. having been dead for three days, are you technically a zombie? and have you ever been tempted to play any practical jokes on other near death people, like standing in the tunnel of light in a clown mask?

Yes, I'm a zombie, I can't go out in the light and I have sleep hanging upside down in a coffin. That's not as easy as it sounds. It's also got nothing to do with the fact I'm a zombie either but I digress, I am technically a zombie but only in the biblical sense, I don't eat brains and I can walk without my arms sticking out in front of me so I don't think most people notice...apart from the smell but most folk are too polite to say anything.

I'm always playing jokes on the newly departed, it keeps me sane and sends them mental, it's a tough job but somebody's got to do it. I was saying to Sid Vicious just the other day that we should pretend he's Jesus to the Newds (that's our word for newly deads) and get them to try playing the bass as some sort of initiation into heaven but he wasn't happy, even the ones that had lost fingers, hands or whole arms could play better than him. Anyway, I'll shut up or it'll put people of dying and we can't have that...

Well gentlemen it's wonderful to hang out with you and I'm really looking forward to settling into heaven but for now our interview has come to an end. Just at that moment as Boff is getting prepared to kiss goodbye to the mortal world God gets out his Harry Potter glow stick. He explains that it's not Boff's time and that he's sending Boff back to Earth for another go, mainly because he doesn't want Boff wandering around Heaven talking to girls and cramping his style. With that and a big puff of smoke Boff wakes up on the shower room floor where Bungo is busy taking photos to stick online....