Yes, ladies and gentlemen, just like Will Smith, "we're finally here", the last in the current series. We've surfed the highs and lows of Boff's random questions across a dazzling array of guests, and we're going out on a high. Yes, today's very special guest is currently out on the 18th hole with Boff. You can spot them both by their golfing outfits and Boff's new hat, a gift from the Wombles no less, (although possibly ironic).
*The camera opens on a beautiful sunny green at the Merton golf club as Boff can be found on the 18th hole close to the bar alongside today's very special guest, Frank, the lovable Angry Ass Bastard. If truth be told neither Frank nor Boff are much good at golf, they just like hitting things and getting quietly plastered in the bar on light ales. But as the pair of them get away from the rat race here's the chance to get Frank's (the original Angry Ass bastard) philosophy on life, the universe and why most people are jerks.
Frank, it's a pleasure to have you here today, I am particularly liking your golfing slacks. It's fair to say you've had a rich and fruitful life and you're blessed with a lovely wife (Marie) and two boys, Robert and Ray, perhaps least said about Robert, but I wanted to begin by asking you what is the secret of your success?
Well, the truth is Boff, I’m a no talent hack who’s been graced with good fortune in my life, speaking in terms of my professional endeavors of course. How I ever got saddled with that battleax ol’ windbag of a wife, I’ll never know!
....and of course with a big family, snacks become a precious resource. Do you have any particularly strategies to ensure your foody goodies aren't snafooed by wandering hands?
If by snacks you mean copious amounts of alcohol, then my strategy is to restock the arsenal early and often! I’m not a very responsible person, but I do always make sure there’s enough alcohol in the house so I can tie one on at any given moment. Especially for those time when the mother in law decides to visit!
Talking of which, *Boff produces a small silver hip flask of something and takes a swig before passing it to Frank* but Ray grew up right and moved out to start a family of his own, that must have been a big day for you? how do you feel about that and the fact he now lives just across the street?
I’ll be honest Boff, I don’t care too much about whether I see Ray or not, but it’s great having the lovely Debrah around…a beautiful, take-no-bullshit kinda girl like that, just my type!
*Boff nods* Madame Cholet is a lot like that, she bosses the Wombles around and makes sure stuff gets done. Then again the Wombles are all in love her French accent. It's a complete lie of course, she's from Clapham. In fact she's more London than I am. Anyway, I wanted to ask about your other son, Robert, he has moved in and out a few times, do you have any particular fatherly advice to help him through his disastrous love life? Do you use your own relationship with Marie as an example?
Just between me and you Boff, I’m still not convinced that Frankenstein is even my kid! I mean, LOOK AT HIM! I seem to remember we had a rather large mailman around the time he arrived, so….yeah, I don’t know, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
I see, and coming to Marie now you two have been married for a long time, how do you keep the spark alight in such a long term relationship? is she your soul mate?
Hahahahahahahahahaha……OH that’s a good one Boff! She’s the very bane of my existence! We keep the so called ‘spark alight’ through constant bickering, banter and stinging insults! Let’s face it…when you’ve been married to someone as long I have, that’s pretty much the only form of communication that exists. I’ll tell you what though, that’s marriage. Anyone who thinks it isn’t hasn’t been married long enough. But you know what? She’s the only one for me and the only one I want. Oh, and soul mate? Yeah, I see people bandying about that idea….total fuckin bullshit if ya ask me.
Now I'd like to ask you some questions about what irritates you in life, I think we're both agreed that most people are Jerks, but what ticks you off the most and why?
You mean other than my wife???? How much time do you have? I’ll tell ya Boff, appearances to the contrary; I’m a pretty laid back kinda guy and get along with most people. I’m not all that bothered by assholes so much as I am by the disingenuous, condescending, passive-aggressive douche-bags we all have to deal with. I also can’t stand the jack-asses that want to inflict their negativity on others. Yep, the phonies and trolls, the two worst kind of people in the world...ya think we could start a Twitter campaign to get them all banished to Siberia, or something?
...that sounds fair, I once gave Mick Hucknall a nipple cripple for cutting in front of me at Lidls, and what about the work place? Have you had any bosses that particularly irked you?
Haha, remind me to never cut you off! Bosses? They’re all a bunch of do nothing pant loads. And I should know, I’m one of them! I can’t decide which bosses I hate more: the ones who don’t know what they’re doing and fuck everything up or the ones who do know what they’re doing but are intolerable to work with. Hey, maybe we should banish all the bosses to Siberia along with the phonies and trolls! YEAH!
...and if you had the chance to talk to Justin Bieber what advice would you give the jumped up little popstar?
Justin Beaver? Who’s that? I don’t pay attention to pop culture too much so I don’t know….maybe I’d tell him to try listening to some real, genuine music like the Pixies…or Nirvana…or like some of the lads from your neck of the woods like The Who, The Stones, The Kinks, Pink Floyd and The Beatles. THAT’S real music!
You're well know for your quick wit and dry lines, so I wanted to ask are there any memorable occasions where your quick wit got you into trouble?
You don’t have to suck up to me, ol’ pal, we both know very well that I’m neither of those! Haha…well, I grew up in the tough city streets as a kid with a chip on my shoulder and a bad attitude to match….so you can imagine there’ve been a number of times I’ve told some well deserving ass wipes to go fuck themselves. In fact there’ve been so many that I can’t remember just one, but I can tell you that each one felt reeeeally good.
...and what about the elderly? are there any good things about getting older?
Getting old sucks, plain and simple, as Bettie White once said, “Getting’ old ain’t for sissies”. I don’t know Boff, the older I get, the more I realize how little I know. Sometimes I just want it to be over with already but every once in a while I get fleeting glimpses into the beauty that surrounds us, and that helps with the day to day monotonies of life. Fuck, I need another shot….”Bartender!”
Well our interview is about at an end here, just time for one quick final question, coming now to your legacy, how do you want to be remembered in the future?
If I do it right Boff, I won’t have a legacy. As stupid as this might sound, you know, me being on Twitter and all, I usually don’t like drawing much attention to myself….so when I’m gone, it’d be cool if people looked back on me and thought, “he may have been an angry ass bastard, but you know what, he was pretty funny sometimes and overall, that guy was alright”. I’d take that.
...and with that, our interview and indeed the series is at an end. Frank and I are going to finish off our berrie daiquiris in the club house and you my darlings can read the whole crazy damn fool thing again. enjoy! *pinky fingers up*
The Moatman Interviews has always been big on imagination and low on budget, but this week, after a minor pools win we come to you from a more luxurious destination. Yes, today's interview opens on an elderly well tanned gentlemen stood on a golden beach, surrounded by a team of short, hairy, life guards in trendy beach wear.
Hello my darlings it's me Boff Moatman, and on tonight's 'wish you were here' it's none other than the Misschievous one herself, the enigma that is Ö. Originally born in Cyprus, before moving to the shadows of Arsenal as a small child, our intrepid explorer has not only lived in Cyprus and the UK, but also India and Bali, and now resides in the heart of the Catalan capital. Boff caught up with Ö in a local tapas bar here in Barcelona after a very reasonable package deal.....first of all my darling Ö thank you for inviting me out here to meet you, also thank you for assisting in arranging for the passports for my 'special' entourage (the Wombles aren't supposed to travel). Now I know you've lived in a lot different countries and we'll cover that in a bit more detail later on, but I wanted to begin by asking did you always have the travel bug and do you ever miss your homeland?
Well, Boff, before I answer any questions, I’d like you to know that the only reason the Wombles were allowed over is because I promised the Spanish government that they would be helping to clean the streets, so I hope they’re not going to let me down. As for the travel bug, I’ve been travelling from the age of 5 when I first went to the UK (from Cyprus) with my parents. That’s when it first bit me and mosquitos stopped biting me.
...and you've been a resident of Spain, specifically Barcelona for a while. Are there any specific things about living in Spain that differ to over places you've been?
I would say the only specific thing about Spain that differs from other places I’ve been is that most of the beaches are actually manmade. I remember living above the Café Del Mar (Ibiza) and opening the curtains after a particularly heavy thunderstorm in the middle of the night, to find the entire beach had disappeared and in its place was a huge mound of rocks!
Boff confirms that he experienced something very similar himself, after a particularly torrid thunderstorm on Wimbledon Common, Boff woke to find a pair of man's underwear and a carrier bag of empty bottles had appeared on his favourite bench. Anyway I digress, I see, and of cause you are originally from Cyprus, so how did that differ? And how were you received by the locals?
Well, I wouldn’t say the locals received me but more a case of me receiving the locals (of the male kind).
Haha, and that leads me to another question I wanted to ask, which was what have your experiences been like with the male populations of European? Any national traits?
Hmmmm, national traits of European men, let me see…I’d say a vast majority of Spanish and Greek men are short, fairly hairy, reek of garlic and adore their mothers to the point their mother will ALWAYS come before you ( Erm…not in *that* way, perish the thought!)
I also wanted to ask you about languages, living in a foreign country how quickly do you pick up the language? And any recommendations for youngsters who are learning a modern foreign language.
Languages are pretty easy to pick up if you mingle with the locals and watch local TV. I am now able to swear proficiently in 5 different languages. I don’t know any other words though ;-)
...and what have been your high points and low points of living abroad?
My highest point (literally) has to be when I went to Laddakh a mountainous region in northwest Jammu and Kashmir in north India and in the area known as the Trans-Himalaya (the lands beyond the Himalaya: Tibet, Xinjiang and northern Pakistan). That trip also contained a low point when I received a MASSIVE electric shock when I tried to turn the tap off after taking a shower. It was that bad I couldn’t let go of the tap and my friend had to come in with trainers on in order to turn it off.
I see and do you have any amusing anecdotes from some of the scrapes you've gotten into on your travels?
If you want to know about amusing anecdotes, there are a few on my blog http://misschievousone.wordpress.com/ and I plan to write some more. Just don’t laugh too much about the fact I once got my head stuck.
Perhaps now is a good time for a question not related to travel, it's clear you're loving life to the full, and from your own blog you're quite the capable writer, what do you like to do with your free-time?
I like to relax in my free time, after all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do after a hard day’s slog? Having said that, I love cooking and I draw. Boring I know but, it makes up for the fact I like getting off my nut and making a twat of myself every other weekend. I also like having a tan, so being in the sun is a must – whether it’s the beach, pool or just walking around (which I also do a lot of).
I see, and having seen at least three European countries on a day to day basis what's your opinion of the EU and is it still working?
I can’t comment on the EU without getting angry. It’s the worst thing that happened to Cyprus, for sure and to paraphrase the Life of Brian, what has Europe ever done for us???
I see, well my sweet our interview is close to an end, so I suppose the obvious question to ask is how much longer do you see yourself living in Spain, and where next takes your fancy?
I don’t have any plans to go anywhere anytime soon but, who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Finally, the less obvious question would be how do you sneak three wombles out of a Tapas bar who may have substituted the paella for something far less desirable.
That’s easy, dress them in women’s clothes, teach them Greek and they’ll pass as a few old Greek ladies, moustaches and all ;-)
..and on that bombshell, Boff is off to enjoy a glorious sunset with Ö, provided they can smuggle the Wombles out unseen, don't order the soup. Ö can be found living la vida loca on twitter or catch more of her exploits at http://misschievousone.wordpress.com/
